Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

You know, Life continues to be a learning experience.  My boyfriend and I have pack goats.  We take them into the mountains, and they faithfully carry anything we ask.  Our oldest goat, Mackay, was with us the last time we went in the middle of June.  While we were hiking, there was a rather large log we all had to cross.  Everyone made it across, yet afterwards, Mackay stumbled a bit.  He didn't complain or give us any indication that he was in pain, so we continued. 

 

 There have been may times since we came home from that trip that Mackay came and rubbed us with his head with tears in his eyes.  I even remarked that I did not know goats could cry, but seeing this had a deep effect on me.  Appearantly not deep enough.

 

Last Sunday we were in the barnyard giving the baby goats their last bottle and found Mackay laying down.  At first we thought he was dead.  He did pick up his head when I walked to him, and when I touched him, he was incredibly hot.  We immediately gave him water to drink, which he drank half a bucket in just a few seconds.  We got him to stand up and he stumbled on his front leg.  I felt over his legs, seeing if there was any heat or anything and when feeling under his chest I found a very old wound, infected and gangrenous. 

Turns out, when we crossed that log, my boyfriend remembered a stick poking up, and when Mackay crossed, he must have punctured his chest with that stick.  He had been suffering from this the whole time.

 

We started right away, doing all of the right things, trying to save our sweet goat.  He is doing better, but only time will tell. 

 

I have not slept well the last few nights because of the guilt I feel for not heeding those tears I saw.  I felt it in my gut that something was wrong, and I ignored it.  I have learned a huge lesson at an innocent friend's expense.  Thus, I am carrying guilt. 

 

I am not sharing this story for anyone to tell me not feel bad, how could I have known, etc.  I am sharing this because I am trying to own my part, which was not listening.  Anyone have any solid advice on how to help the guilt?  It is not really helping anything, yet it has even effected my appetite.  This sort of thing cannot be good, and in the past my M.O. has been to ignore it, pretend I didn't feel anything.  Well, being authentic means being real, and my real right now is I feel guilty and I am not sure what to with it.  Any input would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for "listening" to me.

Teri

I know you're not looking for excuses, but I'm sorry, you COULDN"T have known your goat was hurt unless you had been through this before. Animals instinctively hide injury and illness. In the wild, any indication of ill health marked the animal as a target for predators. Your goat hid it from you because that's what they do. As (sometimes) intelligent beings, we feel guilty because we project human qualities on our pets and other animals. You will continue to feel bad for awhile, it's inevitable, but Mackay does not hold you in any kind of reproach for not seeing his pain. On the other hand, now that you have learned this lesson, I know that you will keep a sharper eye on the rest of the herd, so Mackay's death was not in vain, and served a purpose. I'm sorry for your loss.

I have said a prayer for you.  You have and are doing all that you can for your beloved. And he knows it.  You feel guilty because you have 1001 things you should have done and didn't.   That is the past and you can not do anything to change it.  It wasn't done deliberately and dealing with guilt isn't going to help you with your beloved, Mackay. 

 

Give him your special attention and it means doing whatever you feel is the right thing. 

 

Know that you have learned from this sad time in your life.   You will never let it happen to Mackay again or to any of your other beloveds. 

 

I came home from a trip to find my beloved Victor (my cat) had an open sore.  He got hit by a car for the 2nd time.  I can't keep him in my home and I can't live with guilt because it's his choice to be an outside cat.  all I can do is pay the medical bill (for the 2nd time in 4 years) and pray that this time he's learned that when it comes between him and a car - he's going to lose.  The first, I felt so guilty but then I had to remember, they do not listen or behave in ways that we do.  In fact, an animal when hurt will hide it because in the wild, they would be left to die. 

 

Because you are doing your best and you are taking care of him with all that you can - know that Mackay understands.  He will survive because you give him strength and love daily. 

Your english is fine - you write better than I do at times.

 

I believe that our truths are all painful and when we face our truths, we discovered that our lives were based on untruths.  For many of us, it's because we made assumptions and then lived our lives with those assumptions.  For others, those that were the adults told us lies and we then lived to those lies.

 

I know it's painful to discover the truth but you will survive it and become stronger than you ever were before.  YOu now know the truth and what lies still exist will slowly surface and you can challenge them. 

 

Think of this as a rite of passage into wisdom not the end of all things that you know.  I believe that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.  Could you have handled the truth a year ago?  or even earlier? 

 

Know that inside yourself you have the strength and power to face what is going on.  Take it slowly and BREATHE.  Talk to your most closest friends about this.  ALlow yourself to voice your hurt and pain. It may take a while to work thru the emotions and the hurt.  But you are strong and a power person in your own right.

Brenda, the AHA moment you experienced was because for the first time in your life you were the adult and was able to open your heart and allow yourself to stop judging her or defending yourself.

 

I understand where you are coming from.  My mother is very much like your's.  I was raised to be her "slave when she got old and sick".  That's how she raised my niece as well.  We were never expected to have or do anything but be dependent on her.  It's the way she was raised and I understand it quite well - but I'm not her victim anymore.

 

For me, I could not stand up to her because I was so afraid to lose her until I realized that my whole life style was about her and not me.  Now it's about me.

 

Now that you understand her better, wait til you hear the tapes that run thru her head.  the one that floored me was:  You are the most unhealithiest person I know.  I'm 52 years old, I'm fat and I have hyperthyroidism which I feel is due to my menopause (they started on the same month).  The truth is of the 6 kids, I'm the only one who doesn't have diabetes, or breathing problems, or high blood pressure or whatever!  When I heard this I was so shocked by it that I realized that I had taken her tape and made it my own.  Now, I'm working hard to rewrite that tape and accept the fact that I'm healthy and by taking whatever measures I need to lose weight and work thru whatever stress I have due to going thru menopause, I am going to live a very healthy long life.

 

I can't wait for you to tell us the other AHAs ...  cause they don't hurt anymore - they are just tapes that you have listened to and now are able to challenge them.  Isn't it neat to be an adult at long last!

 

Marcia

I too found the first half of the book very very painful. But I stuck it out because somewhere in the beginning a couple of things registered in my head.

1. That in a year's time I will either be in the same place (unhappy and living a unfulfilling life) or I will have moved on to finding peace within my heart and soul.
2. That if I have painful memories, that means they are still running my life and until I face that pain and bring closure at long last, I will never be at peace.

When I did SELF MATTERS, what I discovered was that I was traumized at 8 years old.  It was the 1st time I had ever ever experienced a major life event that lasted for nearly a year.

 

It started the day before Easter when my sister got hit by a car and nearly died. Later, I joined a dance school which is my soul and 1 day the teacher said I was terrible and then I never went back (I thought I had been thrown out of school because I was so bad) and then that summer I was molested by 2 neighborhood teenage boys and then we had to move and then move again.  What made it worse was that at Sunday School I was told:  Bad things happen to evil people.  I took that as my truth.

 

The reality was:  My parents had to sell the house to pay the medical bills and I didn't go back to dance school because of the bills not because I was a terrible dancer!  When I moved the 1st school, I lost my friends and I was placed into a public school system where I was more advanced in Math than they were.  With learning difficulites, I got lost and never felt comfortable doing addition or subtraction.  And what that woman should have said was:  Bad things happen to good people by bad people.

 

When I realized all that had happened to me - I was so shocked by it.  No wonder I was screwed up!  If I hadn't been molested, I still would have been screwed up! 

 

Don't be afraid of what you will discover.  If you are still living in your past and those memories are still painful, then it's controlling how you live.

 

I have never been so peaceful or comfortable in my life.  It's like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Also know that once you have completed Self Matters, you can be a teacher to your children in  a way that will help them all adjust to life events better.

 

The 2nd half of the book is fabulous.  I choose to tackle a long time dream of learning to sew because I knew that I had some really negative tapes going on.  But it was a goal that I could easily sit down and write what I needed to do/learn/practice.  It helped me to adopt the tools into my every day life.

 

I would also suggest that if you get so anxious, maybe you should try meditation or BREATHING techniques to help you thru those periods.  I used Dr. Lawlis' WT LOSS cd's - I got one of the earliest sets so I was able to play it when I went to bed at night.  It was so cool!  He tells you that you are a wonderful person and that you deserve the very very best.  It was so amazing - I actually became addicted to them - especially the 1st one -- cause never before had I been told that I was a good person. 

How right you are about me rewriting my life.  When I realized that no matter what I did or how I did, I couldn't break lose from the awful victimized life style that I had written at work.  I choose to do something so totally different because I couldn't change things or people.  It was Dr. Phil's words regarding SABOTUERS in Self Matters that I had to spend time on.  He wrote that there were people who were jealous and if they were in power, I could never get pass them.  ANd he was soooo RIGHT! 

 

My organizational skills are a quirk that I have.  Ever since I was 5 years old (my earliest memory), I have always tore things apart and rebuilt them.  Luckily for me, Self Matters comes with a workbook which enabled to focus my energy on.  It's really about your learning style. 

 

For me, with over 20 years of schooling - I do well with homework assignments.  So if you ask questions, I will answer them.  It's hard isn't it when you are so afraid to be truthful to yourself because you will be shamed or humiliated or embarrassed.

 

But when I watch Dr. Phil and see those folks sitting with truths more horrendous than mine, I figure hey, I can tell folks everything and anything cause when I hide it, it owns me.

 

You don't have to work!  My mom goes to the neighborhood Senior Citizen group.  She gets there early to help put together the Meals-on-Wheels lunches.  She serves to the others (she's 72 now).  She goes to MARCs to purchase little items for their bingo games and picks up their coffee and all sorts of stuff.  She's a volunteer.

 

In Cleveland, the newspaper has a weekly column looking for volunteers.  Another woman I grew up with works as a teacher's aide (as a volunteer) and goes to the school about 3 days a week.

 

You don't have to WORK -- you just need to discover who you are.  What you have always wanted to do.  I figure my 7 months off is my vacation from life.  I knew my life wasn't right and when I did Self Matters, I realized that there was NOTHING I wanted to be or advanced to there.  My heart was some place else.  Luckily, I met the qualifications for an early retirement - it took 6% of my retirement to do it.  But, I've finally figured out I could be a Technical Writer.  It's what I did when I worked -- I enjoy writing processes & procedures & developing tools, forms to do work.  I've trained myself and I plan on going to the local college and get a certificate now.  That's my next career.

I was very moved by your post. ( By the way your Engish is better than mine!)

 

I'm also curious about what you feel your mother's motives were. Is she a 'good' mother/person who was trying to protect her children when she felt that you may be too young to manage the adult truths. Has she acted in your best interests, by being reliable, dependable, trustworthy, acting as your ally before now? If so it maybe time to sit down with her and talk about how her choice impacted you personally.

 

If you feel/know that her motives/intentions were driven by other things NOT involving good mothering, that makes it a bit tougher.

 

At the very least this constitutes a significant breach. Impairing trust, as well as, for many, createing a sense of betrayl.

 

You may want to spend some time mending your wounds before rushing right into 'resolve mode'. Spend some time feeling your pain, having your anger and your tears.

 

The good news is you will survive this and hopefully emerge with a clearer understanding of yourself, your family and your mother.

 

My thoughts & prayers are with you,      

 

Brenda

I, too am good at self-sabatage. If you read the post I wrote to Ritehere re:taking on a management position AND Acute Primary Care! Please note in that post I express anger at others, while I was the ONE who said nothing, did nothing and blamed everyone else.  Honestly, sometimes I look at ME and just shake my head! I think I may just qualify as the 2005 'VICTIM' Poster 'Child'.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience of your mother. I just love that. The little engine that could, will and DOES! I envy you, having a mother that special.

 

I also admire the ENORMOUS self work you've done. That isn't easy. You and Ritehere are EXTREMELY good role models for me. Again, I thank you.

 

 

Brenda

Hi, I finished reading Self Matters last APril and I've been spending the time since practicing challenging my thoughts.  But I know that I need to focus on my fears & anxieties now.

 

Have any of you tried to read LIFE STRATEGIES?  I know that the first time I read it was back in Jan 04 and I read up thru the 10 Life Laws in a weekend (I was really scared and doing my first ever standing up for myself).  I attempted to read it again afterwards but got angry because I kept having to remember that it was written before SELF MATTERS.

 

Well, I picked it up and I'm reading Life Law #5 (that where I believe I am in life right now) and it seems like I'm okay now with it.  But I was wondering if any of you had experienced the same when you picked up LIFE.  How did you deal with it? 

 

I'm hoping that I'm over getting the pain like the 2nd reading bought to me and that I can just read and do the exercises.

 

Marcia