Message Boards

Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Number of Replies: 7819
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 11:20:02 am
Author : dataimport
Have you read "Self Matters" or become familiar with the process of uncovering your authentic self from watching the show? Share your story here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 27, 2005, 11:40 am CDT

Kaatje...

Quote From: kaatje

Hello all,

 

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

 

Í'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

 

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

 

Thank you

 

I was very moved by your post. ( By the way your Engish is better than mine!)

 

I'm also curious about what you feel your mother's motives were. Is she a 'good' mother/person who was trying to protect her children when she felt that you may be too young to manage the adult truths. Has she acted in your best interests, by being reliable, dependable, trustworthy, acting as your ally before now? If so it maybe time to sit down with her and talk about how her choice impacted you personally.

 

If you feel/know that her motives/intentions were driven by other things NOT involving good mothering, that makes it a bit tougher.

 

At the very least this constitutes a significant breach. Impairing trust, as well as, for many, createing a sense of betrayl.

 

You may want to spend some time mending your wounds before rushing right into 'resolve mode'. Spend some time feeling your pain, having your anger and your tears.

 

The good news is you will survive this and hopefully emerge with a clearer understanding of yourself, your family and your mother.

 

My thoughts & prayers are with you,      

 

Brenda

 
July 27, 2005, 11:59 am CDT

Marcia...

Quote From: marcia52

How right you are about me rewriting my life.  When I realized that no matter what I did or how I did, I couldn't break lose from the awful victimized life style that I had written at work.  I choose to do something so totally different because I couldn't change things or people.  It was Dr. Phil's words regarding SABOTUERS in Self Matters that I had to spend time on.  He wrote that there were people who were jealous and if they were in power, I could never get pass them.  ANd he was soooo RIGHT! 

 

My organizational skills are a quirk that I have.  Ever since I was 5 years old (my earliest memory), I have always tore things apart and rebuilt them.  Luckily for me, Self Matters comes with a workbook which enabled to focus my energy on.  It's really about your learning style. 

 

For me, with over 20 years of schooling - I do well with homework assignments.  So if you ask questions, I will answer them.  It's hard isn't it when you are so afraid to be truthful to yourself because you will be shamed or humiliated or embarrassed.

 

But when I watch Dr. Phil and see those folks sitting with truths more horrendous than mine, I figure hey, I can tell folks everything and anything cause when I hide it, it owns me.

 

You don't have to work!  My mom goes to the neighborhood Senior Citizen group.  She gets there early to help put together the Meals-on-Wheels lunches.  She serves to the others (she's 72 now).  She goes to MARCs to purchase little items for their bingo games and picks up their coffee and all sorts of stuff.  She's a volunteer.

 

In Cleveland, the newspaper has a weekly column looking for volunteers.  Another woman I grew up with works as a teacher's aide (as a volunteer) and goes to the school about 3 days a week.

 

You don't have to WORK -- you just need to discover who you are.  What you have always wanted to do.  I figure my 7 months off is my vacation from life.  I knew my life wasn't right and when I did Self Matters, I realized that there was NOTHING I wanted to be or advanced to there.  My heart was some place else.  Luckily, I met the qualifications for an early retirement - it took 6% of my retirement to do it.  But, I've finally figured out I could be a Technical Writer.  It's what I did when I worked -- I enjoy writing processes & procedures & developing tools, forms to do work.  I've trained myself and I plan on going to the local college and get a certificate now.  That's my next career.

I, too am good at self-sabatage. If you read the post I wrote to Ritehere re:taking on a management position AND Acute Primary Care! Please note in that post I express anger at others, while I was the ONE who said nothing, did nothing and blamed everyone else.  Honestly, sometimes I look at ME and just shake my head! I think I may just qualify as the 2005 'VICTIM' Poster 'Child'.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience of your mother. I just love that. The little engine that could, will and DOES! I envy you, having a mother that special.

 

I also admire the ENORMOUS self work you've done. That isn't easy. You and Ritehere are EXTREMELY good role models for me. Again, I thank you.

 

 

Brenda

 
July 27, 2005, 4:11 pm CDT

Q: to SELF MATTERS readers

Hi, I finished reading Self Matters last APril and I've been spending the time since practicing challenging my thoughts.  But I know that I need to focus on my fears & anxieties now.

 

Have any of you tried to read LIFE STRATEGIES?  I know that the first time I read it was back in Jan 04 and I read up thru the 10 Life Laws in a weekend (I was really scared and doing my first ever standing up for myself).  I attempted to read it again afterwards but got angry because I kept having to remember that it was written before SELF MATTERS.

 

Well, I picked it up and I'm reading Life Law #5 (that where I believe I am in life right now) and it seems like I'm okay now with it.  But I was wondering if any of you had experienced the same when you picked up LIFE.  How did you deal with it? 

 

I'm hoping that I'm over getting the pain like the 2nd reading bought to me and that I can just read and do the exercises.

 

Marcia

 
July 27, 2005, 10:52 pm CDT

Difficulty balancing being authentic and correcting to social situations

 Please, whatever happens, when you read this, don't think me full of myself. I'm not. Although I do know the gift of my intelligence, I would sometimes love nothing better than to be an idiot.

I haven't read any of the books. Maybe someone could give me some good advice who has read them. I am an intelligent person. I have been labelled as "gifted" an "anomaly" "genius", etc. I have heard all my life how "lucky and different" I am. I am not sure of the idea of being different. I know that I am odd. I know that because I am mostly off the charts if I put any of me into it.

 I have a great difficulty in dealing with the social stigma associated with what I am. It isn't difficult when I am in social situations. It's not difficult not to respond when it's just a conversation. When I am in school and the purpose is learning and exploring knowledge, I stand out like a sore thumb. I am going back to school again. I love studying and learning. I love knowledge like it is water. I don't exactly fit into the classroom setting. I know I shouldn't care what others think, but I do. I am wounded when I hear groans after I announce a topic of study that may seem a bit over the heads of my fellow students. I am crushed to be the object of hostility from classmates who think I may have messed up their chance at getting an A off a curve, because I have one honestly. The honest joy that comes from learning is tempered by the fact that I don't seem to fit. I don't really wish to be a person who stands out, but melting in takes the joy out of study. I do feel that it inspires in some jealousy. I would rather be seen as a person on the same ground, just who is a little more inspired.  It is a little depressing to be outside the social circle. I have, in the past thrown my grade a bit. I never strive for a hundred percent. I really don't want a bad mark, but sometimes I just want to fit in more smoothly.

A couple of days ago, I ended up feeling very hurt and being more frank than I should have been. After one person said I was messing up the curve for the tenth time and asked the teacher how this was affecting their grades, I stood and said "Do you really think I am going to fall anywhere on your curve. My score will likely be discarded as an anomaly." Rather than making me fit in better, I am sure I just emphasized the differences between us and fostered more discord.

How can I honestly be what I am, and be part of what they are?

I'm a real person not a prodigy or savant or genius or whatever social label. I have a million hobbies. I love my dogs. I never remember where my keys are. I have to check the iron twice to make sure it's unplugged. If I lose my glasses, it's slapstick comedy (Think crawling around the house two inches from everything). I think sometimes people only see certain parts and forget I'm just like they are.
 
July 28, 2005, 2:43 am CDT

How to find myself?

Hello again,

 

Thank you all for your very sweet and good advices. It does me a lot of good to read other peoples opinions. It's going to take time to heal from this, and I am thinking of writing it all down for myself, to get it all on paper, but I know I will grow stronger after this. It was difficult to hear, but a lot of things fall together now.

 

My mother didn't lied to us for our own good. We think she is "ill" and has to lie all the time. I know for a fact now, she still lies about many things to me, to our family, to her boyfriend etc. We, me and my sister, have talked about confronting her but we don't think that will be very wize. We believe that our mother believes her own lies, we have heard she has been lying since her youth, and this maybe makes life "easier" to handle for her. She still is our mom and we don't want to lose her. We are afraid, that when we confront her, she will never want to speak to us again.

She has lied about many important things, like for example, my father. They divorced when I was a little girl, and she always has told very bad things about him, that now all turn out to be false. We have "hated" our father for many years and, as it now turns out, for nothing. Thank God we didn't loose contact with him and the relationship with our father is growing stronger.

I'm trying not to hold a grudge to my mom, but it's difficult. We have heard she has had help for her problems many years ago but she didn't want it and got away. It's very sad because maybe, with the right help, she wouldn't have to live with all the lies.

 

Thanks again for all the great and very sweet reactions.

 

And yes, Jo, I'm from the netherlands. I presume you are to by the sound of your name?

 

Greetings,

Cathelijne

 
July 28, 2005, 6:14 am CDT

Marcia,

Quote From: marcia52

Hi, I finished reading Self Matters last APril and I've been spending the time since practicing challenging my thoughts.  But I know that I need to focus on my fears & anxieties now.

 

Have any of you tried to read LIFE STRATEGIES?  I know that the first time I read it was back in Jan 04 and I read up thru the 10 Life Laws in a weekend (I was really scared and doing my first ever standing up for myself).  I attempted to read it again afterwards but got angry because I kept having to remember that it was written before SELF MATTERS.

 

Well, I picked it up and I'm reading Life Law #5 (that where I believe I am in life right now) and it seems like I'm okay now with it.  But I was wondering if any of you had experienced the same when you picked up LIFE.  How did you deal with it? 

 

I'm hoping that I'm over getting the pain like the 2nd reading bought to me and that I can just read and do the exercises.

 

Marcia

Did it bother you to have the read Self Matters first, even though Life Strategies was the first one written? I had to read SM first too. I think when LS was written, Dr Phil understood that there were those of us who weren't ready for it yet, and had to dig deeper. I had read Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Successful People years before, and couldn't get to first base with it.  Face it, how can you practice Proactivity, or really understand it, when you have "tapes" in your head telling you your worthless, etc.? Life Strategies is kind of like 7 Habits in that way, it's the next step after you've done the "cleaning house" that Self Matters takes you through. Reading the Life Laws puts you squarely in the driver's seat in dealing with others. You understand the way YOU think after SM, LS helps you to understand how OTHERS think. Good luck on the journey, onward and upward.
 
July 28, 2005, 6:41 am CDT

Kimbrem,

Quote From: kimbrem

 Please, whatever happens, when you read this, don't think me full of myself. I'm not. Although I do know the gift of my intelligence, I would sometimes love nothing better than to be an idiot.

I haven't read any of the books. Maybe someone could give me some good advice who has read them. I am an intelligent person. I have been labelled as "gifted" an "anomaly" "genius", etc. I have heard all my life how "lucky and different" I am. I am not sure of the idea of being different. I know that I am odd. I know that because I am mostly off the charts if I put any of me into it.

 I have a great difficulty in dealing with the social stigma associated with what I am. It isn't difficult when I am in social situations. It's not difficult not to respond when it's just a conversation. When I am in school and the purpose is learning and exploring knowledge, I stand out like a sore thumb. I am going back to school again. I love studying and learning. I love knowledge like it is water. I don't exactly fit into the classroom setting. I know I shouldn't care what others think, but I do. I am wounded when I hear groans after I announce a topic of study that may seem a bit over the heads of my fellow students. I am crushed to be the object of hostility from classmates who think I may have messed up their chance at getting an A off a curve, because I have one honestly. The honest joy that comes from learning is tempered by the fact that I don't seem to fit. I don't really wish to be a person who stands out, but melting in takes the joy out of study. I do feel that it inspires in some jealousy. I would rather be seen as a person on the same ground, just who is a little more inspired.  It is a little depressing to be outside the social circle. I have, in the past thrown my grade a bit. I never strive for a hundred percent. I really don't want a bad mark, but sometimes I just want to fit in more smoothly.

A couple of days ago, I ended up feeling very hurt and being more frank than I should have been. After one person said I was messing up the curve for the tenth time and asked the teacher how this was affecting their grades, I stood and said "Do you really think I am going to fall anywhere on your curve. My score will likely be discarded as an anomaly." Rather than making me fit in better, I am sure I just emphasized the differences between us and fostered more discord.

How can I honestly be what I am, and be part of what they are?

I'm a real person not a prodigy or savant or genius or whatever social label. I have a million hobbies. I love my dogs. I never remember where my keys are. I have to check the iron twice to make sure it's unplugged. If I lose my glasses, it's slapstick comedy (Think crawling around the house two inches from everything). I think sometimes people only see certain parts and forget I'm just like they are.
I feel your pain. Why is it that we revere some people with talent (athletes, actors, singers) and don't expect them to have a thought in their heads otherwise, and even excuse their bad behavior, but ostracise the more intelligent of us? I'm nowhere near the higher intelligence levels, but I have siblings who are. I once had the experience of moving from a progressive school system to a rather poorly funded (shall we say) rural one. I was 1 to 2 grades ahead of the class, because this school was not at the same level as the last, and heard alot of the groans you spoke of, so I can relate. The good thing was, the old school system taught us in a way that nobody was aware that some were ahead of others, and nobody felt dumb. It made for an atmosphere where learning was fun, that has stuck with me for life.
In answer to your question, yes you can be what you are, and be part of what they are. Try doing something that you have absolutely no talent for, and ask for help from one of the people who see you as a "brain." If you fall on your face, laugh at yourself. Others will see you in a different way. See, some of them fall on their faces everday in class, or that's what it feels like to them. Never compromise on tests though, throwing them is phony. Football players don't compromise their talents to make the rest of the team look better, why should you?
 
July 28, 2005, 6:51 am CDT

to Kaatje

Quote From: kaatje

Hello again,

 

Thank you all for your very sweet and good advices. It does me a lot of good to read other peoples opinions. It's going to take time to heal from this, and I am thinking of writing it all down for myself, to get it all on paper, but I know I will grow stronger after this. It was difficult to hear, but a lot of things fall together now.

 

My mother didn't lied to us for our own good. We think she is "ill" and has to lie all the time. I know for a fact now, she still lies about many things to me, to our family, to her boyfriend etc. We, me and my sister, have talked about confronting her but we don't think that will be very wize. We believe that our mother believes her own lies, we have heard she has been lying since her youth, and this maybe makes life "easier" to handle for her. She still is our mom and we don't want to lose her. We are afraid, that when we confront her, she will never want to speak to us again.

She has lied about many important things, like for example, my father. They divorced when I was a little girl, and she always has told very bad things about him, that now all turn out to be false. We have "hated" our father for many years and, as it now turns out, for nothing. Thank God we didn't loose contact with him and the relationship with our father is growing stronger.

I'm trying not to hold a grudge to my mom, but it's difficult. We have heard she has had help for her problems many years ago but she didn't want it and got away. It's very sad because maybe, with the right help, she wouldn't have to live with all the lies.

 

Thanks again for all the great and very sweet reactions.

 

And yes, Jo, I'm from the netherlands. I presume you are to by the sound of your name?

 

Greetings,

Cathelijne

Just remember, whatever you have learned, does not change who you truly are. The one you have been, will be the one that you remain. Best of luck with your mother, I used to be married to a chronic liar. They end up sad and alone in many ways.
 
July 28, 2005, 4:04 pm CDT

dear lynn

Quote From: lynne618

Thought I would drop in and say Hi and Thank you all for your thoughts & prayers through e-mail and also here on the board . You all have been wonderful support here , Thank - You !! Husband & I are hoping Doctors have more answers for us on Friday . I will post ; let you all know when we find out . It the waiting and not knowing is really getting to us both . It is very trying time . We will pull throw this - I hope . Thank you all so much for all the prayers and thoughts . Lynn

thank you for taking the time to write to us.My prayers are with you thu those bad times.

 

Hope everything clears up and the doctors gives you good news.

 

Take care lost of hugs and prayers coming you way

 

Sincerly Lyne

 
July 28, 2005, 6:09 pm CDT

You are right about Covey's book

Quote From: ritehere

Did it bother you to have the read Self Matters first, even though Life Strategies was the first one written? I had to read SM first too. I think when LS was written, Dr Phil understood that there were those of us who weren't ready for it yet, and had to dig deeper. I had read Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Successful People years before, and couldn't get to first base with it.  Face it, how can you practice Proactivity, or really understand it, when you have "tapes" in your head telling you your worthless, etc.? Life Strategies is kind of like 7 Habits in that way, it's the next step after you've done the "cleaning house" that Self Matters takes you through. Reading the Life Laws puts you squarely in the driver's seat in dealing with others. You understand the way YOU think after SM, LS helps you to understand how OTHERS think. Good luck on the journey, onward and upward.

where I worked at, Franklin Covey organizers are the in-thing.   I couldn't do it their way and had to admit that it was just too cumbersome because I kept making it harder.  I learned that a monthly calendar was the best thing for me until I ended up as a Team Coordinator then, it tooke me a while to get the hang of dealing with the daily one.  But the Covey training class was fantastic cause they introduced me to goal work which totally got sidetracked because I couldn't handle the "tracks/tapes".

 

I couldn't read LS after doing Self Matters - in fact, it was actually painful so I put it away.  But now, I'm trying to deal with putting an end to the treatment I've been on the receiving end by a close family member and I'm needing strength to face my fears about taking the big step to a career that I never thought existed and which I know I'm really good at.  Doesn't that sound crazy!?

 

So I picked up the book and realized that the first 4 Life Laws didn't apply to me - but LL #5 did.  I skipped LL #6 cause I got "perception" mastered too.  I just finished reading LL #7.  I want to do to the "goal planning" he has in the back of the book.  I'm ready now to face the unknown cause it's not as scary as I always thought it was.  For me, my fears of doing my long time goals (some since I was 13 years old and I'm 52 now) are the most painful. That's because I've written so many stupid ridulous tapes. 

 

And cleaning house is the perfect definition for what Self Matters is like. 

 
First | Prev | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | Next | Last