Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Sanna-Terocia -- how are you feeling now?   

When I did this, I discovered that I had a week or longer reaction time and slowly when I got it down to 3 day reaction time - that's when I was able to deal with my binging and downward spiral. 

If you are an emotional being, that means that you are a drama queen and live with your emotions daily, you want to turn to Harriet's book --  learning what feelings and the symptoms/reaction to those feelings are important.  That's why Harriet's book is so cool.  I understand NOW that the anger I felt was based from REJECTION.  It took me 2 readings to get it!!   

and don't forget to cut & paste this into your journal or memory book so that you can look it over ...   facing the fear and moving forward is the hardest step you are going to take ...   when I first started I found this poem by Robert Frost:  The Road Less Traveled that I put on my wall at work and read it every day. It was me and I felt that it was RIGHT for me.   I'll send it on a separate post. 

It's the only poem I've ever read and kept in my life.  The others bored me or I couldn't understand them -- but this one has been in my life since the early 90's.   

Hi,  

I'm 30 year old girl/women, that is currntly in between jobs. I'm single and unfortunatley have to live in my mother's house at the moment, the reason to this is because I moved back home from Britain not to long ago and is looking for a new job. Anyway my life hasn't been and isn't a walk on roses, and it has its ups and downs. 

I have been working hard to "see" my fears and getting to know myself. I'm still not done, and I believe there always will be some new issue to deal with.  

I've realized that this is life. We people will never come to a point were we can sit down on the couch and say that we are done with our life (only when we die), we always have to deal with something. 

The great thing is that I know "God" will support me in this process, And is truly greathful for this, so This makes it easier when life feels rough.  

Feliss 

When you get the new lights, keep in mind your goal when you turn it on.  It helps to remember what the goals are and the lamps will be a visual and hands-on memory. 

Yes that tight knot is awful isn't it?  I'm just starting on the anxiety chapters myself ...   I want to read at least 1 chapter next week -- it will give me time work thru each section.  When I read it, I always have thoughts surfacing and by judging what I'm feeling, I can connect it to the KNOT IN  MY STOMACH ...   for me it's all about naming ... and then remembering the naming. 

This is my story:

In all my 29 years I have lived enough lives for several people. My story could be a set of novels and maybe a mini-series. I am tired and growing old quickly. There is so much I barely know where to begin. I hope it is not too confusing, for I am in desperate need of help.

             Ages 1-4 lived with my mother and younger half sister and brother. Mom supported use by becoming a stripper, and leaving us in the care of her family, which included her two brothers, who would molest us on numerous different occasions. Otherwise we were left in the care of whichever boyfriend she was on good terms with that week. After a fight with one of those men, he took my baby sister, 2 or 3 years old at the time and placed her in the bath, leaving her there with only the hot water on. Vicki received scalding burns on a majority of her legs and spent time in the hospital. Not long after we were removed from the home by the division of family and youth, and placed with our fathers. I moved in with my dad, grandmother and two very kind uncles. Vicki and George went with their father and I never saw them again.

             Age5; my mother and an aunt showed up at my grandmother’s house for a visit with me and ended up kidnapping me. I was only gone for a few days, before I was returned to my father. I did not see my mother again till I was 7.

             Ages 7-10 my mother shows up in my life again with another child, named Shawn. She is inconsistent in her visits as she is pregnant with her fifth child Ian. She marries, and moves around a lot. In the meantime my father marries as well and I surprisingly do not get along with my new step-mom.

             Ages 10-15 I move from my grandma’s house and begin a new school. I begin to have problems in school and home. Mostly, lying, cheating, stealing, and running away. I was hospitalized several times for attempted suicide. In the middle of my sophomore year in high school I attempted once again, this time my father found me unconscious and nearly dead. I remained in a coma for three days. After my stay in what seemed to be my third mental health facility, I was sent to live with my mother.

             Ages 15-16 I lived with my mother for a year, a month and 22 days. She saw me as her personal babysitter, and would disappear for days, or weeks. Then she became violent when she drank. Even knocking me out with a 2x4 and dragging me across the lawn by my hair. If it hadn’t been for Shawn and Ian’s cries for her to stop hurting me, I believe I would be dead. When she found out I had gone to the school and told them, she drove me to another hospital and had me committed. I was grateful to be away from her, but I was terrified of how she would treat my half brothers. I remained in the hospital for a month because she refused to sign papers to allow my dad to take me home. The court had to step in.

Ages 16-18 I lived with my dad and step mom and half baby brother Robert, until I turned 18. It was a mess; I would not go to school or classes. I would stay out all night with my friends and not come home. Although I must say I only drank on 2 maybe 3 occasions, did not smoke, and I did not do any drugs. I did not graduate high school and went on to become a masseuse in an adult massage parlor. When I was asked to perform sexual acts, I left to work at a bagel shop. Then I moved in with my best friend and very religious family.

             Ages 18-19 Soon afterwards my mother came looking to make amends, she had lost her house due to her incessant drinking and was in a very bad place. I decided to help, only to find that while I was there she stole checks from my check book and withdrew every cent I had, as well as bounce a ton more. I lost my mind, began stripping to make ends meet and stole my best friends MAC card. I was thrown out of their house and lost an amazing friend.

I moved to Pennsylvania to stay with my mom. We fought constantly, and I’d had enough when I came home one day to find that my aunt had brought my 4 month old baby cousin over to my mother’s house with no car seat. She had laid the baby on the floorboard of the passenger seat, and drove over very drunk. I moved out of my mother’s house and into my car. I worked as a stripper going from club to club. Sometimes I would make enough money to stay at a hotel, but mainly slept in my car. It was in one of those clubs that I met my husband.

             Ages 20-22 Scott and I met and shortly after moved in together. I quit dancing and started working as a bridal consultant for a retail store. Almost 4 months later we were engaged. I began planning our wedding and then it happened. He threatened me. A friend of mine from back home wanted to visit me on his way back from a bible camp. Scott was outraged; telling me that men and women cannot be platonic friends. I went to dinner anyhow and when I got dropped off home Scott was waiting. He said he was so mad he wanted to strangle me. He had me with my back pinned against the wall, his arms on either side, and he was screaming at me. He later apologized, but I told him maybe we should call off the wedding. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant and we got married a month later.

Throughout the pregnancy, he was wonderful. There were little things though…like he no longer wanted us to be friends with another couple we had befriended, and he made remarks about how my dad’s sister-in-law had hit on him at the baby shower. These things isolated me from everyone I knew. The only other person I could spend time with was his mother. She was also supporting us since I was not allowed to work with a child, and he had not had a steady job since we met. He borrowed money from her like crazy, to pay bills, start a business, but it was never enough. He was told me he could not wait till she died so he would have control over their estate.

After Jacob was born the verbal threats continued, but the comments he made about me were worse. He would tell me that I was nothing but a stripper whore, though I had not danced in years. He told me I’d better lose the baby weight or he would not stay with me, when he himself was over 300lbs. Finally we got into a huge argument after I entrapped him online. He was telling women in chat room we were separated and I was a bad mother, etc. he left the house and separated. A few weeks later he was watching our child while I worked as a waitress, I was a long tiring day and I wanted to go to bed. He started telling me how messy the house was and how he had to put pajamas on our son that smelled like urine, (even though I had told him there were clean clothes in the dryer) I lost my temper and started yelling, his response was how he wanted to snap my neck. I told him go ahead and do it, put me out of my misery. He beat the crap out of me, and the responding officers played high school football with him.

Scott filed for divorce and custody. When I received the custody notice, I had a breakdown and was admitted to the hospital. When I was released my world collapsed. I got a phone call from my father telling me that my half brother Shawn had died. He was 15 and committed suicide.

Shawn had found out that his favorite cousin Keith was his half brother. People on my mother’s side of the family went as far to blame me for his death. Somehow they believed that had I not attempted all those times, Shawn wouldn’t have known about suicide. My doctors put me on medication immediately after hearing the news. The whole ordeal was utter torment and Scott made it worse by trying to comfort me with things like, “He’s better off, he would’ve been a juvenile delinquent”. He also kept telling me to let him take Jacob for a while so that I could grieve. At first I opposed, I needed my son, but the medication the doctors had me on made me sleepy and loopy. I finally agreed, after which I got a call from his lawyer saying I needed to sign forms saying that Scott could sign for medical attention if he needs it. So, 7 days after my brother’s funeral I signed forms at my soon to be ex-husband’s attorney’s office. Those forms gave him full custody of our child.

            Ages 23-25 At first he denied me visitation, but I came up with some money and took him back to court. I had a new boyfriend who loved Jacob so much he went along with the courts requests at background checks and home visits, etc. My new boyfriend Rob and I lived together and I got a job as a radio DJ. I also went back to dancing to pay for lawyers and court costs.

In March of 2000 my coworker, and best male confidant committed suicide. I did not go to his funeral, instead I checked myself into a hospital. I felt as though everyone I loved was being taken away from me. This time I had incredible guilt because Rich had tried talking to me about his problems, even going to a club I worked at, but I blew him off. I kept telling him he would be fine, and that things could only get better. He didn’t believe me, an instead drove to the state police barrack’s parking lot and put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. This guilt brought everything back from my brother’s death, including the divorce and stupidity I felt for signing those papers. Scott caught wind of my hospital admission, and went straight to the courts.

I was denied visitation at first, on the grounds of mental instability. Then Scott, of all people supervised visitations. A few months later, Scott called me to tell me that he had learned how I got my money to hire a lawyer. Not only was I dancing but I had done an x-rated movie as well. He vowed that I would never see my child again. On November 7, 2000 I arrived at his house for my visit and he was gone. The week before was the last time I ever saw Jacob again.

I got pregnant with my second child, Nathan a few months later. If it had not been for Nathan, and his unplanned arrival, I would not be here today. I had lost Jacob again and did not feel the need to live.

             Age 25-present: Rob and I have since broken up, but we remain friends. Rob sees Nathan almost everyday, how I could not let him see his son whenever he wanted after what was done to me.

November will mark 5 years since I have held Jacob in my arms. I have heard rumors that Scott has told him that I was dead. What is going to happen to this innocent child when his Mommy walks, very much alive, into the room?

              My last court order for re-instituting visitation was to obtain a family psychiatric evaluation. Furthermore because I was requesting the visitation, I would be responsible for paying for it. Where is a single mom supposed to come up with $3500? Most people would turn to their immediate families. Not I, but for good reason.

 For the pure desire to protect my children, I have chosen not to expose them to my mother’s family. I also decided to have extremely limited contact with my mother as well for the same reason. She has never met either of my children, if they wish to know who their grandmother is when they are adults, the will at least be armed with all the facts before they do so.

 My relationship with my father’s side of the family is very out of the ordinary. Everyone has a “black sheep” in his or her family, I am that sheep. After my divorce to Scott, both of my uncles stopped talking to me. My one uncle’s wife, who was the matron of honor at my wedding, and my best friend, has written me out of her life. When Nathan was born, no one called to congratulate me, as a matter of fact, with the exception of my father; no one met Nathan until last May. Nathan was almost 3 years old by then.

 My father and stepmother have two incredible children. Wherein lies the problem, any stranger entering my father’s home would be under the impression that he has only two children. My father can hardly be called even a part time dad/grandpa to Nathan and I.  The second concern is that his other two children are wonderful. They are eager students, polite, and mentally sound. Thankfully they will never experience the type of childhood atrocities that I did. In addition to my father and step mom becoming, older, wiser and experienced parents now.

 I am responsible for who I am as a person, yet I refuse to absolve them from any blame. I was not given the same opportunities that my brother and sister receive. There is no resentment or jealousy, because I would never want anyone’s child to become what I have become. I am proud to tell people that not only does my brother want to go to the University of Duke, but also he has one hell of a shot at doing so. I am delighted to know that my sister continues her dance classes. But, where was my dad at opening night of my high school play? Where was he when I had to attend my 15 yr old brother’s wake, where those people who are technically my family spit on me, calling me names because to them it was my fault Shawn was dead. Did my dad really think that the $50 he sent for me to obtain legal counsel during my divorce was going to help me in any significant manner? And where the hell was he when his daughter loaded on Paxil, Xanax and Valium walked into her husband’s attorney’s office and sign papers giving away custody of his first-born grandchild?

Am I supposed to believe that he will help me to pay for the evaluation? I asked him to help and I never got an answer.

             Today I am a 29-year-old woman who has COPD, with the life expectancy of 10 years. I continue to smoke a pack a day, partially because I am trying to kill myself. I am in fact dead on the inside, there is no joy left. I look at my son Nathan and wonder how such a beautiful, loving child could come of someone so empty and broken. He is amazing, and unbelievably kind, the heart of a wise old man, in the body of a 4-year-old boy. He is the only reason I get out of bed each morning and continue to have hope each night.

 Except I am getting weak and my hope is fading. I have no one to hold on to when the floodwaters come, and I am really scared. I’m afraid there will come a time when I will have an asthma attack and I won’t pick up my inhaler, or call for help. I will just let go. There is only so much a single person can take, and I have endured my share and then some.

 I am in search of guidance. I am aware that only I can make my way out of this hole. I just need someone to show me the top. Please help me to see the top?

Exercise is good ....  if it continues; contact your therapist --  see if he'll do a phone meeting with you --  talk to him about all that's going on in your life -- maybe he can suggest ways to help you cope. 

Handling LONG TERM LIFE EVENTS are hard to deal with -- if it's not one thing  - it's another that pops up.   It gets really hard to move forward much less remain where you finally made it to. 

I know that I always wanted to FIX EVERYTHING - and I finally realized that all I could do was just 1 thing and focus on it.  The way my life was going - my script had me reliving the same crap on a regular basis.   It was so hard ....  I talked it over with friends and I made a promise to myself that I was going to change my life - that I knew there was happiness out there and that I was just thinking WAY TO MUCH!   

I hope you can sleep sometime tonite - if you don't do call your therapist!  stop what's going on at it's beginning - not it's middle or end -- then you can stand a good chance of doing DAMAGE CONTROL.