Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Defining Your Authentic Self

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July 31, 2005, 3:11 pm PDT

You're right

Quote From: ritehere

I think I remember LS saying something about a family reunion at the end of July? Does anybody know for sure?

Longstory is away in North Carolina for an annual family reunion - will be back mid-week. Normally I would have helped out by steping up to the plate and putting the daily calendar up but things have been frantic around here and this new format for the boards leaves a lot to be desired!!!!

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kimbrem

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July 31, 2005, 9:59 pm PDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: teri_id

After reading your post and pondering for a bit, I found myself leaning two different ways as far as what I would suggest. I am currently working on Self Matters, yet some of what you mention in your post takes me to some things I learned years ago in a 12 step program.

I understand that you are not coming from a place of arrogance when you talk of your "gift" of intellect. Most people I have met that are gifted in this area often have a difficult time interacting with people on a pleasant social level. My son is gifted, and I see his tendency to isolate, thus I encourage him to be a kid, do normal teenage things and get into a little bit of trouble, as that is what builds the character that will enable him to interact with his peers. Of course, I also encourage him to use wisdom and be safe.

What I have learned is not one person is "terminally unique". We all have something in common somewhere, and it often is overlooked as we tend to focus on our differences. If your grades are an issue to your fellow students, do something to help them pull up their grades. If you know your area of interest is "above" their heads, bring it down a notch, or else look for peers who can identify. Join Mensa or some other group that will put you in touch with those who can relate. As far as grading on a curve, I have never liked it, yet there are students who depend on it. I am a current 4.0 student myself, and I have to work for it. It does come easy sometimes, yet I have to remain challenged, so I know I throw off any curve there is. I ask my instructors to allow my grades to stand alone, not affect any curve they may use. Most instructors are glad to do this, as well as ask me to tutor other students. Use your differences to inspire others, rather than to be inspired. Share some of the "real" things about you with others. If you continue to see yourself on a different plane as your peers, you will be. If you visualize you are all on equal ground, then you will begin to feel this way. Everyone has gifts. Yours is academic, intellectual. Maybe celebrate someone else's gift in a social area, or athletic. Celebrate all differences, as this is what makes it such an interesting world.

I wish good things for you and peace with yourself. I hope you will begin to feel comfortable in your own skin. Good luck!

Teri

My husband responds that I shouldn't be concerned with the reactions of others. I am,mostly because If there is something I am doing, I want to change it. Between us and the responses here, I have come to the conclusion that I may be coming off as arrogant. I've decided to ask a few peers if that is a possibility. If it is, or not, I am definitely going to work on that. I know that things can not be obvious to us. When my glasses prescription was out, some thought I was angry. I didn't realize that the squinting and concentration interpreting things visually was making me appear perturbed.

I agree with you about the differences. I've always assumed that my grades would not affect anyone else's. I have always assumed if they were out of the mainstream, they would be thrown out as an anomaly and not considered on any curve. That's one of the reasons I couldn't be a good teacher or tutor to my fellow students. I sometimes lack insight as to other people's knowledge. I also have difficulties conveying ideas. Sometimes it's impossible, even very frustrating to pull the ideas out of my head and put them into words for others to understand. My husband finds it comical sometimes. It extends to me referring to "thingies" and "you know". He is an excellent teacher, and communicator. It's just one of the differences that leave me in awe of him. I am amazed and often in awe of the gifts other people have. I accept most things about me that are flawed or different as just part of who I am. I would love to be tall, thin, beautiful, red-headed, organized and relaxed. I would love to be able to read electrical schematics, play an instrument, cook well or be able to distinguish easily two feet or two minutes from twenty or two hundred. I would love to have sweet, normal, adoring parents or a sibling who didn't suffer from some kind of severe issues. I am who I am. I admire those things in others, but I accept what I have been given. I admire them so much, I married an opposite. My husband is incredibly talented and gifted. We don't share the same knowledge, hobbies, or gifts. He is the almost utter opposite of me, and his gifts leave me feeling completely inadequate and in awe. We mesh perfectly inspite of and because of our opposites.

I get what you are talking about with your son. I have always had a tendency to get wrapped up in learning things. I sometimes want to explain to my peers that they may have the same knowledge I do if they had read the PDR for the first time at five or six. To explain that reading and acquiring knowledge was my addiction and my way of escaping some things in life. It's one of the reasons I don't feel as "gifted" as some people see me. I know the number of books I have read in my lifetime numbers in the millions. I think it's only logical that my knowledge and abilities should seem out of place for a second or third year student for that reason alone.

Thanks again, it's so helpful and wonderful to be able to see as others. As a person who is deficient in perceiving others perceptions, it's especially helpful and useful and wonderful.

Kim

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kimbrem

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July 31, 2005, 10:11 pm PDT

I think that is so wonderful

Quote From: blgspc

It doesn’t seem real to me yet, but I am ‘Officially’ retired.

I had a very interesting week. People said things that genuinely surprised me, some were even shocking!

I was taken aback by the shear number of people who made a point of stopping by to say, ‘Good-Bye’.

So many people made comments about how “different things (were) going be, now…” (I though they would miss me just because I came to work regularly.) However, folks made statements about the “standard” I set, pointing out that regardless of how “crazy” things got that THEY felt I had consistently REFUSED to compromise fundamental principals! Others, described ME as their ‘LEADER’ and “Captain of the Ship”! I didn’t even know that they even knew or cared about my stance on anything!

There were hugs, endearing gestures. I couldn’t believe it.! (Many had fussed and fumed over every single decision I reached!)

Others were there laughing and re-counting stories about everything from my response to the ‘System’, to the eulogy I once wrote for a very ornate spider, I killed. (Well, someone had to do it! He had no family, locally!)

I almost got a swelled head! Then it occurred to me, ‘Hey, Girl! This is just a send-off. If you hadn’t been here to do this job someone else would have. Maybe even better than you did! Don’t loses your head! You just did a job, period.’

Now, it’s on to the next step…

Brenda J

I know, I've often been surprised to find people shocked at things I finally expressed outright to them that I "just assumed" they knew, especially in an office setting.

It sounds as if you had a great impact there, even if you were left feeling out on your own sometimes. Wow! Retirement.... that just means graduating to a new series of more rewarding challenges.

I'm glad to see again, life moves forward and has it's rewards.

Kim

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kimbrem

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July 31, 2005, 10:39 pm PDT

Teri, Thanks again

Quote From: teri_id

I want to thank you for sharing your story with me. That must have been hard, realizing you left a loved one in danger. I am glad you can spoil your doggie and love him the way you do!

I gather from reading all of your posts that you have had many struggles in life. Amazing how abuse can become the great equalizer, isn't it?

You have much to offer people, and maybe by letting others see you as human, with the deep feelings you have, will help. I can relate with not wanting to be a part of a society where hostility is ok and acceptable. I know the best I can do is not be, and try to love everyone around me and be kind, be loving and be forgiving. This is not always easy, yet it has been worth it!

Thanks again for your kindness!

Teri

You seem like such a sweetheart. I read that your MacKay was doing well. I am so glad. I know how difficult it is to deal with guilt about not doing whatever. It always seems so clear in hindsight. I wish I had hindsight all the time! I would swear I would do everything the way I should have instead of the way I have!

It is amazing how equalizing it can be. How HUMBLING it can be. When some teachers told me how far I would go in life, I often wanted to tell them being me wasn't as easy as all that. Intelligence and knowledge don't hold the key to all the doors. Sometimes, they can lock the ones you need.

I guess my diligence about making others comfortable and censoring myself to society is a big bad thing in overcoming my personal issues. It's been so positive not to have anyone react with shock or disbelief. That, I suppose is my biggest fear. Meeting my husband and having an environment that was stable and loving has helped me in ways that are immeasurable. My husband has reacted much the same way as the people here. He doesn't look at the behavior of my family as my faults. He has helped me overcome and work through the emotions associated with my past. He is an angel. When I used to wake screaming or sobbing, he soothed me and reassured me that I was here. That's been the most calming and positive thing in my life. I don't have nightmares anymore. I think my vigilance was so built up, that it takes time in tearing down. I have to see myself as human before anyone else can.

Thanks,
Kim

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kimbrem

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July 31, 2005, 10:55 pm PDT

Thank you

Quote From: ritehere

It's a shame you didn't get to choose the family you were born into. In time you will be able to tell people right out that your family is dysfunctional, and that will stop any questions of why don't you visit, etc. Whether you choose to elaborate on the dysfunction will be up to you. I guess what I'm saying is that you will be completely free when you can openly admit to others what these people are. It casts no shadows on who YOU are. The good news is we all get to choose the people that surround us in adulthood. My very best to you on your jouney through the rest of your life.

It is so nice not to have a reaction which is shock or disbelief. It has been a learning experience growing up with my family. I know how that Paranoid guy got into the watch tower. I know how things aren't always what they seem. Goodness knows, I know all about manipulation and how not to get "taken".

Yes, we have a choice. I have to remind myself of that every time a family member calls. I remind myself of that often, not because I want to remember, but because I want to forget. The guilt sucks me back in, I haven't found anything but the anger to pull me out.

God love you for not seeing it as a shadow on me. I don't want to make the mistake as portraying them as monsters. They aren't. They were just my monsters. I suppose, I carry a quiet belief that I am somehow contaminated. That that contamination spreads and I am selfish in exposing myself to others. I guess that's one of the reasons that infertility is so hard to deal with. I feel like I contaminated my husband and our relationship. That may be a breakthrough of sorts in recognizing that influence.

Thanks again,
Kim

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teri_id

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August 1, 2005, 7:00 am PDT

Feelings

Quote From: molbio

Hi!! again

Thank you for your input. Sometimes you just need some one else to tell you what you maybe already know deep insight. And you are right, I have to embrace my emotions, stop looking at them as a weakness and try to be in the present, just try to be in the moment. It’s just hard.

As far back as I can remember I always had to ignore my own emotions and always had to keep track and be on the look out with everyone else’s feelings. I had the feeling that if I didn’t the people that I loved would stop loving me and then they wouldn’t have anything to do with me or if I messed up that would be the finale blow that would push them over the edge.

So you are right I have to remember that everything is new and that it’s a journey. I have to allow my self to feel the way I do. That’s the difference between then and now.

Kristina

Kristina,

Accepting you are a living thinking feeling being and have a right to have emotions just as anyone else does can be a real big challenge sometimes. I know I struggle with putting my feelings on the back burner so that those I love can have what they want. It is interesting, as the relationship I am in now is the first one where I am practicing expressing how I feel. As they say, practice makes perfect, yet I am far from perfect in this arena. I have done the similar thing as you, assuming my feelings would make me unlovable. Fortunately I am learning differently. I learn when I express myself, taking responsibility for my own feelings, people respect me more. I try to make sure I don't give an impression that someone has "made" me feel something, as that is just not possible. People's actions can influence my reactions, but ultimately the choice is mine.

I salute you on your journey of self discovery and self acceptance, as that is truly what this is about. Good luck!

Teri

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ritehere

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August 1, 2005, 7:18 am PDT

Thanks Grub

Quote From: grub48

Longstory is away in North Carolina for an annual family reunion - will be back mid-week. Normally I would have helped out by steping up to the plate and putting the daily calendar up but things have been frantic around here and this new format for the boards leaves a lot to be desired!!!!

I could never fill in with the finesse LS has, but I thought I would share some lyrics from a song by my favorite band- Runrig. It's for all of us touching our authentic selves, and those of us making the attempt.

Maymorning

I'm alive again on a maymorning
Gonna wipe the slate clean
Follow my dreams
All the yearning buds are here again
With the promise of a new life to come
Spring is here again

The sun is melting over the hills
All our roads are waiting
To be revealed
For this day in history has brought us to here
Now it's all there for the taking
The day is what you see

The light's returning, the work is in hand
All the cynics have vanished
From where we stand
All the chances wasted are drawing me near
And all around there's new life rising
From the winter fields

I'm alive again
I'm alive again!

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teri_id

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August 1, 2005, 7:18 am PDT

Oh, how we deflect....

Quote From: blgspc

It doesn’t seem real to me yet, but I am ‘Officially’ retired.

I had a very interesting week. People said things that genuinely surprised me, some were even shocking!

I was taken aback by the shear number of people who made a point of stopping by to say, ‘Good-Bye’.

So many people made comments about how “different things (were) going be, now…” (I though they would miss me just because I came to work regularly.) However, folks made statements about the “standard” I set, pointing out that regardless of how “crazy” things got that THEY felt I had consistently REFUSED to compromise fundamental principals! Others, described ME as their ‘LEADER’ and “Captain of the Ship”! I didn’t even know that they even knew or cared about my stance on anything!

There were hugs, endearing gestures. I couldn’t believe it.! (Many had fussed and fumed over every single decision I reached!)

Others were there laughing and re-counting stories about everything from my response to the ‘System’, to the eulogy I once wrote for a very ornate spider, I killed. (Well, someone had to do it! He had no family, locally!)

I almost got a swelled head! Then it occurred to me, ‘Hey, Girl! This is just a send-off. If you hadn’t been here to do this job someone else would have. Maybe even better than you did! Don’t loses your head! You just did a job, period.’

Now, it’s on to the next step…

Brenda J

Brenda,

I am giggling somewhat with your description of ego stroking. You know, sometimes it is OK to have a bit of a swelled head, to enjoy people telling you they appreciated your presence in their life.

Sometimes we tend to belittle the impact we have on other's lives. I was told once that this is quite arrogant, to assume we can interact and not impact. I don't know if I will go so far as to say arrogant, yet I do believe it is naive.

I am sure you brought something good to each person at your work. Aggravation can be a good thing, as it teaches us patience, their memory of you being solid when it comes to ethics, wow! What a legacy to leave behind!!! It is too bad they waited for you to leave to tell you, yes?

It is on to the next step, and never having retired before, I have no clue what it is other than DON'T STOP! Keep doing things that make you happy and help you grow as a person. I believe giving of yourself is something you would really appreciate. Who knows how many lives you can touch now that you are not wrapped up in the corporate world....

Teri

P.S. Maybe taking the time to develop a personal mission statement would be a good thing to do...here are some websites that may help if you want to check them out. http://www.franklincovey.com/missionbuilder/ http://www.nightingale.com/tMission_PersonalStatement.asp?source=INTROHR

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teri_id

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August 1, 2005, 7:25 am PDT

A touch of the poet

Quote From: ritehere

I could never fill in with the finesse LS has, but I thought I would share some lyrics from a song by my favorite band- Runrig. It's for all of us touching our authentic selves, and those of us making the attempt.

Maymorning

I'm alive again on a maymorning
Gonna wipe the slate clean
Follow my dreams
All the yearning buds are here again
With the promise of a new life to come
Spring is here again

The sun is melting over the hills
All our roads are waiting
To be revealed
For this day in history has brought us to here
Now it's all there for the taking
The day is what you see

The light's returning, the work is in hand
All the cynics have vanished
From where we stand
All the chances wasted are drawing me near
And all around there's new life rising
From the winter fields

I'm alive again
I'm alive again!

Ritehere,

Thank you for stepping in and sharing this wonderful poem with us! This is the feeling I have when I wake up, filled with excitement, knowing today is the first day of me living life authentically. I don't have to allow other's past experiences and interpretations to color my own. I got elated reading this poem! Thanks, cuz I need that!

Only two more days until we leave, and I am getting very excited! We will be gone about 3 weeks, and I will miss this board, yet I shall return when I get back. I will be carrying your wisdoms with me as I go! I want you to know I appreciate you.

Teri

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ritehere

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August 1, 2005, 7:34 am PDT

Kim,

Quote From: kimbrem

It is so nice not to have a reaction which is shock or disbelief. It has been a learning experience growing up with my family. I know how that Paranoid guy got into the watch tower. I know how things aren't always what they seem. Goodness knows, I know all about manipulation and how not to get "taken".

Yes, we have a choice. I have to remind myself of that every time a family member calls. I remind myself of that often, not because I want to remember, but because I want to forget. The guilt sucks me back in, I haven't found anything but the anger to pull me out.

God love you for not seeing it as a shadow on me. I don't want to make the mistake as portraying them as monsters. They aren't. They were just my monsters. I suppose, I carry a quiet belief that I am somehow contaminated. That that contamination spreads and I am selfish in exposing myself to others. I guess that's one of the reasons that infertility is so hard to deal with. I feel like I contaminated my husband and our relationship. That may be a breakthrough of sorts in recognizing that influence.

Thanks again,
Kim

If you haven't already, I urge you get a copy of SELF MATTERS. Like you, I was able to give everybody else the benefit of the doubt, except myself. My harshest judgments I reserved for myself: all the bad things wouldn't have happened if I had been smarter, quicker, etc. Free yourself from these judgments and self-condemnation, they are faulty. Begin to see yourself and the world from a new viewpoint, not the painful one imposed upon you by your family. I see someone who is warm, caring, articulate, and completely self-effacing. (You heard me right, I don't think you're arrogant at all!) You have wonderful gifts to share with the world, and yourself. You are more effective in the world when you are operating from a firm foundation.

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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

You're right

Defining Your Authentic Self

I think that is so wonderful

Teri, Thanks again

Thank you

Feelings

Thanks Grub

Oh, how we deflect....

A touch of the poet

Kim,