Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Hello

 

    I am pretty new to this. I am 25 years old, no job,  no car,  no happiness. I am embarrassed to even mention this but I want to get control of my life and get situated sooner than later.   I hate depending on others to basically help me live my life.  I think I am after things in life that are not meant to be and still try to go after them.  My authentic self is a nobody.  I don't know how to be an adult. That old saying good kids make bad adults, well I think I'm living proof. Tired of feeling sorry for myself looking for a change in pace.

Sounds like you are depressed in addition to being distressed. Is there a recent event, or series of events, that caused this state or do you usually feel this way?

Have you been to a doctor recently?

I can tell you that we all have contradictory feelings and emotions, confusion, but that if they become pervasive and seem to be never ending, it's best to ask for help.

It is a sign of inner strength and self-love that you came here and posted.

I can also tell you that in regards to your friends, you didn't somehow make them be friends with you. People gravitate towards those that they want to be around, and evidently you have some qualities that others like. Are you perhaps hard on yourself? This too is pretty common, we are all of us our own worst critics.

Please come back and elaborate on what is going on with you in your life.

This sentence of yours says it all: "...but I want to get control of my life...."

 

None of us "gets" control, we TAKE it! Life is a contact sport, and if your sitting in the stands watching it will pass you by.

I think the thing you have to understand is WHY you are "depending on others to basically help me live my life."  In a nutshell, because it's easy. There's no risk to you.

Dr Phil says that people often do things for other than the apparent reasons. In your case, you're not happy, you're even embarrassed that you are 25 and so behind the curve of many young people your age. So why would you stay in this state of suspended animation?

Because you're getting a pay-off, and that pay-off is that it's easier and less frightening to stay the way you are than to get out there and possibly fail.

By what you said, you obviously have a support system in place, people that allow you to skate, correct? Maybe they nag you, or try to lay guilt trips on you, but in the end, they allow you to keep up the same sort of behavior. This is called "enabling." They have their own reasons, other than the apparent, for doing this. Don't worry about them, just realize that they care about you, but are misguided, OK?

Since they are unable to teach you how to be an adult, you will teach yourself. I've never heard that old saying "Good kids make bad adults," and now that I have, I think I can ascertain the meaning. I think it means that if you were a "good" kid, never acted out or did anything against the wishes of your parents, you may be ill-equipped to deal with the world as an adult, as you've never learned to trust your own judgment. In return for being a "good" kid, your parents never let you fail at anything?

Look I'm saying alot of things that may or may not pertain to you. Come back and let me know if any of this makes sense to you? I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"The only time you can coast in life is when you're going downhill."  -A. Roger Merrill

       Yep that's pretty much me in a nutshell.  My family and friends want whats best for me but give me everything . I don't like this one bit. I am ready to earn a living. I have never had a job, only babysitted for a relative , in which I am doing as we speak. I don't enjoy the pitty streak I've heen on.  And yes I am afraid to do anything thinking I will fail.  When I said I go after things in life that are not meant for me, I meant my dreams I used to want to be an actress. Not anymore of course, but I went from that to writter to comic book, in which both have failed. I don't believe I am meant for these because if I were something would be somewhere in life.  But my friends constantly remind me of my present problem of not having a job or a car, makes me feel stupid and pathetic.   I feel they think I am lazy or making excuses cause they have a job or a car.  I've been looking for jobs but nothing ever comes through. I just feel life will never come into place. That  I am a failure. I want a purpose in life and don't think I have one.

We all have a purpose here, and I beleive that part of that purpose is learning everything we can about what it is to be human on the earth.

Right now you are exploring the uncomfortable zone of feeling stupid, pathetic, pitiful, failure. I know this sounds trite, but this is because you choose to do so. The way out of this is to take it in baby steps. The more little successes you wrack up, the better you will feel and the bigger steps you will take.

Consider what you have done in the way of looking for a job. Did you do everything in your power to land a job? Also, did you let the fact that you didn't get one right away cause you to get discouraged? You can't take it as a personal insult, the jobs market is pretty tight right now and you must put forth maximum effort and your very best attitude. It's difficult but not impossible.

If you go to Dr Phil's blog, there's a post on what Dr Phil would tell graduates if he were to give the speech. You might find it helpful.

Things don't happen overnight, and the first step you must take before you can enjoy your own car is the means to afford one, so landing a job is the first thing you must concentrate on. If there's nothing close enough to walk to or ride a bike to, can you get rides or is there public transportation available? These things must be considered. Networking is an excellent way to get on somewhere. Ask your friends if there are any openings where they work and if they will put in a good word for you. If you get hired you would then have a good shot at getting a ride, paying for gas money of course.

Things fall into place only when we begin to do the things that will contribute to the success of whatever we want to do. Nothing is ever handed to us unless we are children. Once we are adults, we have to take action on our own. Nobody can do it for you.

I think you sense that you will feel better emotionally when you take control too.

Come back and let me know what you're doing, OK?

I am not worried for me but for my sister.  She has three girls all in highschool.  They are sophmore junior and senior.  She is a divorced and very worried about when they are going to go to college.  she is a wonderful mother and has participated in every aspect of their education.  When the get out of highschool she will have no finaicial help from their father.  She has struggled most of her life after the divorce.If she could get some help to eleviate her worries or at least get something for herself just for a little breather from her life,  i know you probably get many letters like this but I pray this will somehow be read by Dr. phil.  I pray all the time for her to get something a little special.Thank you very much.      

                                                                                   Kathy Gerber

 

Man I wish i could help, tho i can look my profile for my msn [secondatt@hotmail.com]

And ur sis or u can talk about it to me, and about Dr.phil will read this, don't worry about that annymore, he never reads annything on the forum here, it are his 'adminastrators' that write and read evrything. But if u add me i can maybe help, [i'll try]

kind regards, huNthi!

Good job, Brenda! Nice to share ur advanture with us, i enjoy'd reading it, and say him HB from me to :-)

I have a very simple definition of authenticity - when your actions and your values are in sync.  And if they are not, your actions say more about your values than anything you say or think about them.