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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self
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October 25, 2005, 12:02 pm PDT
 Quote From: taemanai I never forget good will, no matter how long ago, and one can't help but be affected by things that are for someone else.
Keep going strong, Lynn618! That's all,
Taemanai
Thank you for your thoughts - Your appreciated beyond words . Enjoy your life to fullest , Take Care ~ Lynn
http://webpages.charter.net/sackerman/Positive%20Poems/Cover%20-%20%20Positive%20Poems.htm. |
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October 25, 2005, 12:25 pm PDT
Quote From: blgspc A little worse for the wear. I again returned to the beach area. The house is very nearly complete. It will require about a week’s worth of actual work, then inspections and because the siding acquired was not the one that I chose that’s now on order. So there will be more delays. I stood at my parents kitchen window and gazed out at the large structure in a place where the grape arbor and an open field used to be….My father was excited and said, “Let’s go and see your new house!” I actually had very mixed feelings and was a bit queasy about the WHOLE thing but I went inside and walked around. As I thought about how lovely it seemed ….I was very aware of how close it was to my parent’s home. As I milled around from room to room, I softly said, “I have just begun my decent into hell….” I had NO idea that my father could hear me speak but he could though-thankfully- he didn’t hear what I actually said. I told him I was just thinking out loud. Returning to live next door to my mother will probably be the BIGGEST and perhaps the STUPIDEST challenge of my life. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?! Oh well, the dye is cast. There was a huge family reunion of my mother’s family. I went. They were so wonderful. Sweet, kind, very well intentioned folks all saying, “So when will you be moving down permanently?!?” My aunts and cousins are all very supportive. They always make me feel special. I think that it’s because I’m an identical twin and we’re both known for our sense of humor. I’m about to make an enormous change in my life. I wish that I felt more confident about the whole idea of returning to the beach area. I’ve done very little packing, thus far. Brenda
One song can spark a moment, One life can make a difference,
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October 25, 2005, 2:33 pm PDT
Good Afternoon everyone,
I have spent the too many years trying to fight the anger and rensentment that I have had inside me because for so many reasons it's not even funny.
I don't know what to do or what not to do anymore and I thought I would start documentating my journey that I have had over the last 6 months and ask if there is anyone that would be my accountability person and let me explain why with my past history.
My childhood was a good one except for I could never understand why my biological mother would give away a 3rd child and keep the other two? The bottomline for me when I had to seek the answer to being angry at a woman who probably made a very hard decesion and had nothing to do with Me as a child or person. I was raised by two incrediable people who were not able to have children but as I grew into an adult I was basically your average teen but was reminded by other family members that I was not a true "smith" or if you don't behave we can take you back.
I met my husband and we were married within a year, we have been married for 20 years and have two children ages 16,13. I wanted out and wanted to spread my wings and My husband who came for a broken family wanted the same.
Our marriage wasn't easy, we were young and immature. We had nasty fights which would turned physical. The first four years were devastating and I kept it a secert after one night when I called my parents because I thought they would help to only hear, " You have to stay and work it out" Divorce isn't an option.
My husbands father came and got me because my dad called and told him that there was only one out....
I stayed and worked it out..I spent the next who knows how many years living without physical abuse to only be tormented with emotional, mental and spiritual abuse. I functioned and learned what not to say or do because I didn't want to upset him and argue because it never failed I would fight back just as nasty or if not worse because of the pain I woud experience verbally.
But the fact remained I was in love with this man, not because I had to but because my heart and soul didn't have a choice. He truly completes me when we are doing good.
I have been a stay at home mom a majority of our marriage, at one time we were apartment managers in order to support our family till his career reached the cap for his line of work. His line of work caused him to be away for long periods of time. The company left him no choice if he choose not to go out of town he was fired.
We are in the 3rd generation of welders/pipefitters I know the drill and I know how hard the work is.
I became so depressed after years of fighting, begging, pleading and wondering where I stood and why I was here and the lack of realtionship I had with my husband that I started popping pills vicoden,xanax, valium and getting high that I literally started destroy myself because I couldn't ever imagine that my realtionship would get better, that I would be somewhere on the list and that the man I loved more than anything just didn't seem to care anymore.
We had devastating news my grandmother/best friend only had 9 months left and this was the one person in my life I never had to questioned whether she loved me or not because her love flowed freely and the advice was real and she always understood.
After her death...I couldn't cope the depression got worse the pill poppin was drastic. I got to the point where ending my life was what I thought to be the answer. the reason i didn't was because of my kids and how could I do that to them...
I ended up cheating on my husband and there is no true justification for my betrayal and I had to learn the hard way the contribuating factors. My hubby found out thru an investagtor and only thru an email because at that time I had stopped the affair for close to two years.
I always wanted to tell him because i wanted our realtionship more, but feared he would either beat me or kill me because I knew how angry this would make him. To my surprise and my best friends he didn't and we were proud of him for not resorting to physica abuse.
We spent 6 months fighting and hating each other and living under the same roof, The verbal abuse was deadly. I would respond with just as much hate as he did. One day I couldn't take it anymore and demanded we see a local pastor and after spending 6 months degrading me and humilating me he comes to me with more truths...
He has cheated on me with one of my best friends and two one night stands and call girls/whores both locally and out of state.
I'm the reason he did this, I am the reason he turned out the way that he is when it comes to his anger. I didn't do the laundry, didn't cook and laid in bed all day and there are more reasons why he choose to cheat on me and through being told this I can only hear the one thing I have told myself since day one,
I have to be honest with myself and with him in order for us to heal from what I thought was my mistake and understanding why I would do this, as I have always had high morals when it came to my realtionship with my husband to find out that I was not the only "whore" and that if I expect to be forgiven I had to forgive him for his betrayal. I told him that and I also told him that it will not be easy to forgive when it came to the way I was treated and the lies that were told.
We are now past the year mark and our realtionship has gotten better to a point, but the moment something goes wrong or frustration from me is expressed it only takes a few before anger shows it's ugly head and the pain starts all over again.
I have spent the last 6 months trying to understand and trying to find a way to make him see or realize that the anger has always been there and the damage and heartache are still there because I haven't had chance to experience anything different.
I waited too long to find my authentic self and understand the past pain and heartache. to realize my own faults and acknowledge/accept them and make changes in order to be true to myself and to be true to my family.
I have an anger management problem but when I worked through the past/pain I started to become a different person and reacting different to situations and started laughing more, my feelings of what I wished for or dreamed of were and are clearer to me then ever before.
I can not say THANK YOU enough Dr. Phil for your books of wisdom and clarity in order to become the person I was hiding from because of hurt and pain and resentment and anger.
Its great to be free from all that. My husband today realizes that anger rules before anything else and he has thought/felt and still does that he can do it by himself, but also is taking the initative to pick up Family first but maybe thinks he needs to close that book and pick up another.
Right now, today...Im tired of wondering where our realtionship is going because of personal isolation and fear and doubts but yet don't want to give up as it's both of us, not just one that need help healing the pain and heartache we both caused.
I have struggled for years wodnering if I'll ever be worth it, or if I belong. for the first time in a long time I realize that it doesn't matter if I'm worth it in any others eyes/heart. I know I am worth it because of who, what and where I stand when it comes to my perception and feeling of MYSELF and for my family. If others don't like it or wish to accept what I have had to realize about myself in so many different areas and make changes for themself when it comes to what is wrong in our realtionship whether it be parents/friends/kids/hubby.. well then it's there lost but I'm done being my own personal whipping boy and everyone elses.
I have found myself and for the first time I know myself!!!!
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October 25, 2005, 8:07 pm PDT
my first time here~ i dont have much time to spend on the computer 'alone'..so not sure how often i can really have a chance to visit. i am a caretaker. i have managed a home for adults with developmental disabilities for the past 16 years. i have recently moved into an apt. with my uncle to help him after an accident left him a parapalegic. i am the oldest (eldest...?) of 4, and have a sister who i think looks up to me more than our parents. i am 35. i am single. i am not sure where to begin or why i actually came to the site. well, i do...i need to get stuff out, but dont really know where to begin. in my adult years- i have had some intense things to deal with...a tragic death of my boyfriend for one. but its coming on 5 years, and i know i can get over it. but, there are other things. my overall view of life is positive and good- and i think the most important thing in life is being happy. i believe everyone has that right. my most important thing in life is family and loved ones. and when they are not happy----- i try to fix it. but i cant all the time. i believe i am built to take it all in.......but i am not a proffessional and i dont feel i have all of the right answers. i need help to give help. and thats it..at this moment....i have just learned something about a loved one that has overwhelmed me, and i dont know where to begin............. |
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October 25, 2005, 8:37 pm PDT
Quote From: nwlife2005 Good Afternoon everyone,
I have spent the too many years trying to fight the anger and rensentment that I have had inside me because for so many reasons it's not even funny.
I don't know what to do or what not to do anymore and I thought I would start documentating my journey that I have had over the last 6 months and ask if there is anyone that would be my accountability person and let me explain why with my past history.
My childhood was a good one except for I could never understand why my biological mother would give away a 3rd child and keep the other two? The bottomline for me when I had to seek the answer to being angry at a woman who probably made a very hard decesion and had nothing to do with Me as a child or person. I was raised by two incrediable people who were not able to have children but as I grew into an adult I was basically your average teen but was reminded by other family members that I was not a true "smith" or if you don't behave we can take you back.
I met my husband and we were married within a year, we have been married for 20 years and have two children ages 16,13. I wanted out and wanted to spread my wings and My husband who came for a broken family wanted the same.
Our marriage wasn't easy, we were young and immature. We had nasty fights which would turned physical. The first four years were devastating and I kept it a secert after one night when I called my parents because I thought they would help to only hear, " You have to stay and work it out" Divorce isn't an option.
My husbands father came and got me because my dad called and told him that there was only one out....
I stayed and worked it out..I spent the next who knows how many years living without physical abuse to only be tormented with emotional, mental and spiritual abuse. I functioned and learned what not to say or do because I didn't want to upset him and argue because it never failed I would fight back just as nasty or if not worse because of the pain I woud experience verbally.
But the fact remained I was in love with this man, not because I had to but because my heart and soul didn't have a choice. He truly completes me when we are doing good.
I have been a stay at home mom a majority of our marriage, at one time we were apartment managers in order to support our family till his career reached the cap for his line of work. His line of work caused him to be away for long periods of time. The company left him no choice if he choose not to go out of town he was fired.
We are in the 3rd generation of welders/pipefitters I know the drill and I know how hard the work is.
I became so depressed after years of fighting, begging, pleading and wondering where I stood and why I was here and the lack of realtionship I had with my husband that I started popping pills vicoden,xanax, valium and getting high that I literally started destroy myself because I couldn't ever imagine that my realtionship would get better, that I would be somewhere on the list and that the man I loved more than anything just didn't seem to care anymore.
We had devastating news my grandmother/best friend only had 9 months left and this was the one person in my life I never had to questioned whether she loved me or not because her love flowed freely and the advice was real and she always understood.
After her death...I couldn't cope the depression got worse the pill poppin was drastic. I got to the point where ending my life was what I thought to be the answer. the reason i didn't was because of my kids and how could I do that to them...
I ended up cheating on my husband and there is no true justification for my betrayal and I had to learn the hard way the contribuating factors. My hubby found out thru an investagtor and only thru an email because at that time I had stopped the affair for close to two years.
I always wanted to tell him because i wanted our realtionship more, but feared he would either beat me or kill me because I knew how angry this would make him. To my surprise and my best friends he didn't and we were proud of him for not resorting to physica abuse.
We spent 6 months fighting and hating each other and living under the same roof, The verbal abuse was deadly. I would respond with just as much hate as he did. One day I couldn't take it anymore and demanded we see a local pastor and after spending 6 months degrading me and humilating me he comes to me with more truths...
He has cheated on me with one of my best friends and two one night stands and call girls/whores both locally and out of state.
I'm the reason he did this, I am the reason he turned out the way that he is when it comes to his anger. I didn't do the laundry, didn't cook and laid in bed all day and there are more reasons why he choose to cheat on me and through being told this I can only hear the one thing I have told myself since day one,
I have to be honest with myself and with him in order for us to heal from what I thought was my mistake and understanding why I would do this, as I have always had high morals when it came to my realtionship with my husband to find out that I was not the only "whore" and that if I expect to be forgiven I had to forgive him for his betrayal. I told him that and I also told him that it will not be easy to forgive when it came to the way I was treated and the lies that were told.
We are now past the year mark and our realtionship has gotten better to a point, but the moment something goes wrong or frustration from me is expressed it only takes a few before anger shows it's ugly head and the pain starts all over again.
I have spent the last 6 months trying to understand and trying to find a way to make him see or realize that the anger has always been there and the damage and heartache are still there because I haven't had chance to experience anything different.
I waited too long to find my authentic self and understand the past pain and heartache. to realize my own faults and acknowledge/accept them and make changes in order to be true to myself and to be true to my family.
I have an anger management problem but when I worked through the past/pain I started to become a different person and reacting different to situations and started laughing more, my feelings of what I wished for or dreamed of were and are clearer to me then ever before.
I can not say THANK YOU enough Dr. Phil for your books of wisdom and clarity in order to become the person I was hiding from because of hurt and pain and resentment and anger.
Its great to be free from all that. My husband today realizes that anger rules before anything else and he has thought/felt and still does that he can do it by himself, but also is taking the initative to pick up Family first but maybe thinks he needs to close that book and pick up another.
Right now, today...Im tired of wondering where our realtionship is going because of personal isolation and fear and doubts but yet don't want to give up as it's both of us, not just one that need help healing the pain and heartache we both caused.
I have struggled for years wodnering if I'll ever be worth it, or if I belong. for the first time in a long time I realize that it doesn't matter if I'm worth it in any others eyes/heart. I know I am worth it because of who, what and where I stand when it comes to my perception and feeling of MYSELF and for my family. If others don't like it or wish to accept what I have had to realize about myself in so many different areas and make changes for themself when it comes to what is wrong in our realtionship whether it be parents/friends/kids/hubby.. well then it's there lost but I'm done being my own personal whipping boy and everyone elses.
I have found myself and for the first time I know myself!!!!
I was in a marriage for 28years that was explosive, I found the courage to leave because after trying ever thing l could think of to save it , it was never good enough in my ex-husband eyes, I had to take a step back and look at my life and found for the LITTLE bit of happiness that was in my marriage was not worth all the TORMENT which was in it for so many years, because as you, every time something would happen within the relationship all the pain and hurt would come flooding back and all the angry would resurfaces.
I have been separated for almost 2years. In the first year of the separation I would still get very angry and frightened if my ex-husband contacted me but after more time in finding myself I have come to realize the way my ex- husband acted or treated me had nothing to do with me! this is the way he is and what he has become, because know he hasn't got me there to blame for all his shortcomings! you see it was all about what made him happy not about what would make US HAPPY. I did"t take any pills or have an affair I did drink but when I saw that I had less control of what I was doing I had to stop and did, you can't see things as they really are when your in a fog and you have no control of your own mind.
So you know ,I had five children in this marriage and I always hoped things would change THEY DIDN'T the small amount of happiness never outweighed the sadness, hurt and anger. It took me 28years to leave I should have left long before, the only joy from this relationship is my wonderful children who unfortunately had to live around the turmoil of this marriage.
I have started my new life at fifty three, every day I am amazed of the peace I have found in my heart and soul, I am still looking for who I am ! and what I need, but I'm shore it will come in time, by the way when I left my marriage I had nothing except for some furniture we has nothing in our account and my ex-husband never wanted the responsibility of buying a home.
You should take a step back and look at your life is it worth the small amount of happiness to the pain that in your heart from years of torment. I deserved better and you do to. I know now , I am a good person and I am a good mother and I WAS a good wife!!!!!
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October 26, 2005, 8:38 am PDT
Quote From: nwlife2005 Good Afternoon everyone,
I have spent the too many years trying to fight the anger and rensentment that I have had inside me because for so many reasons it's not even funny.
I don't know what to do or what not to do anymore and I thought I would start documentating my journey that I have had over the last 6 months and ask if there is anyone that would be my accountability person and let me explain why with my past history.
My childhood was a good one except for I could never understand why my biological mother would give away a 3rd child and keep the other two? The bottomline for me when I had to seek the answer to being angry at a woman who probably made a very hard decesion and had nothing to do with Me as a child or person. I was raised by two incrediable people who were not able to have children but as I grew into an adult I was basically your average teen but was reminded by other family members that I was not a true "smith" or if you don't behave we can take you back.
I met my husband and we were married within a year, we have been married for 20 years and have two children ages 16,13. I wanted out and wanted to spread my wings and My husband who came for a broken family wanted the same.
Our marriage wasn't easy, we were young and immature. We had nasty fights which would turned physical. The first four years were devastating and I kept it a secert after one night when I called my parents because I thought they would help to only hear, " You have to stay and work it out" Divorce isn't an option.
My husbands father came and got me because my dad called and told him that there was only one out....
I stayed and worked it out..I spent the next who knows how many years living without physical abuse to only be tormented with emotional, mental and spiritual abuse. I functioned and learned what not to say or do because I didn't want to upset him and argue because it never failed I would fight back just as nasty or if not worse because of the pain I woud experience verbally.
But the fact remained I was in love with this man, not because I had to but because my heart and soul didn't have a choice. He truly completes me when we are doing good.
I have been a stay at home mom a majority of our marriage, at one time we were apartment managers in order to support our family till his career reached the cap for his line of work. His line of work caused him to be away for long periods of time. The company left him no choice if he choose not to go out of town he was fired.
We are in the 3rd generation of welders/pipefitters I know the drill and I know how hard the work is.
I became so depressed after years of fighting, begging, pleading and wondering where I stood and why I was here and the lack of realtionship I had with my husband that I started popping pills vicoden,xanax, valium and getting high that I literally started destroy myself because I couldn't ever imagine that my realtionship would get better, that I would be somewhere on the list and that the man I loved more than anything just didn't seem to care anymore.
We had devastating news my grandmother/best friend only had 9 months left and this was the one person in my life I never had to questioned whether she loved me or not because her love flowed freely and the advice was real and she always understood.
After her death...I couldn't cope the depression got worse the pill poppin was drastic. I got to the point where ending my life was what I thought to be the answer. the reason i didn't was because of my kids and how could I do that to them...
I ended up cheating on my husband and there is no true justification for my betrayal and I had to learn the hard way the contribuating factors. My hubby found out thru an investagtor and only thru an email because at that time I had stopped the affair for close to two years.
I always wanted to tell him because i wanted our realtionship more, but feared he would either beat me or kill me because I knew how angry this would make him. To my surprise and my best friends he didn't and we were proud of him for not resorting to physica abuse.
We spent 6 months fighting and hating each other and living under the same roof, The verbal abuse was deadly. I would respond with just as much hate as he did. One day I couldn't take it anymore and demanded we see a local pastor and after spending 6 months degrading me and humilating me he comes to me with more truths...
He has cheated on me with one of my best friends and two one night stands and call girls/whores both locally and out of state.
I'm the reason he did this, I am the reason he turned out the way that he is when it comes to his anger. I didn't do the laundry, didn't cook and laid in bed all day and there are more reasons why he choose to cheat on me and through being told this I can only hear the one thing I have told myself since day one,
I have to be honest with myself and with him in order for us to heal from what I thought was my mistake and understanding why I would do this, as I have always had high morals when it came to my realtionship with my husband to find out that I was not the only "whore" and that if I expect to be forgiven I had to forgive him for his betrayal. I told him that and I also told him that it will not be easy to forgive when it came to the way I was treated and the lies that were told.
We are now past the year mark and our realtionship has gotten better to a point, but the moment something goes wrong or frustration from me is expressed it only takes a few before anger shows it's ugly head and the pain starts all over again.
I have spent the last 6 months trying to understand and trying to find a way to make him see or realize that the anger has always been there and the damage and heartache are still there because I haven't had chance to experience anything different.
I waited too long to find my authentic self and understand the past pain and heartache. to realize my own faults and acknowledge/accept them and make changes in order to be true to myself and to be true to my family.
I have an anger management problem but when I worked through the past/pain I started to become a different person and reacting different to situations and started laughing more, my feelings of what I wished for or dreamed of were and are clearer to me then ever before.
I can not say THANK YOU enough Dr. Phil for your books of wisdom and clarity in order to become the person I was hiding from because of hurt and pain and resentment and anger.
Its great to be free from all that. My husband today realizes that anger rules before anything else and he has thought/felt and still does that he can do it by himself, but also is taking the initative to pick up Family first but maybe thinks he needs to close that book and pick up another.
Right now, today...Im tired of wondering where our realtionship is going because of personal isolation and fear and doubts but yet don't want to give up as it's both of us, not just one that need help healing the pain and heartache we both caused.
I have struggled for years wodnering if I'll ever be worth it, or if I belong. for the first time in a long time I realize that it doesn't matter if I'm worth it in any others eyes/heart. I know I am worth it because of who, what and where I stand when it comes to my perception and feeling of MYSELF and for my family. If others don't like it or wish to accept what I have had to realize about myself in so many different areas and make changes for themself when it comes to what is wrong in our realtionship whether it be parents/friends/kids/hubby.. well then it's there lost but I'm done being my own personal whipping boy and everyone elses.
I have found myself and for the first time I know myself!!!!
First, let me say that I'm sorry for the hell that your life has apparently been. I was married for over 20years to a man who became an intravenous drug addict 12 years into the marriage. We separated for good, and I spent the next 3 years getting my head on straight. I never divorced him, b/c I didn't want him to have visitation with the kids..even supervised. He was too unhealthy emotionally, and my kids had some healing of their own to do. He died of a drug overdose. I never intended on reuniting with him. There is much much more to this story, I just kind of wanted to let you know that I understand unhappiness. And belief. Fast forward to now....I'm living with a man ten years my junior (I'm 47) and I am happier than I ever could have dreamed. I could gush on about this man, but I won't. I learned my lessons from the past well and I corrected the mistakes that I made in my choice of men. I went for the "good guy" this time. The one who didn't need "fixing". He had all of his eggs in the basket...his ducks in a row. And the kindest, gentlest heart you could imagine. Happiness is possible. Sometimes just letting go is the greatest happiness of all. I didn't turn to drugs when I was miserable...I turned to food. My top weight was 256lbs. I'm at 135 now. Things can and do get better but it's when you realize that you're in control of your life...God is there but He expects you to do your part. I finally realized that He doesn't expect or want us to be miserable, or abused. Your husband isn't doing his part as is his covenant with God when he agreed to take you as his wife. All bets are off then. How can you do your part as his wife when he isn't doing his part as your husband? I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this, or why I posted to begin with. Something about your post...I just want you to know that I've been where you're at, and there can be another side to the story. But it starts with YOU. If you need a friend...I'm here. I'm a big talker but a good listener, too. Feel free....... |
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October 26, 2005, 9:27 am PDT
Wow! I feel like my brain is on vacation! As you might have noticed, I have been quiet the past few days. Well, this is what has happened: The past few days, I have found myself falling into old tracks and I've fellt rather useless. Then, yesterday, my ex said something that got me to react. I got angry at him, and basically stormed off. While walking, I kept thinking about it, wondering what had really made me so upset and I came to the conclution that it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. I got angry because I got "caught with my had in the cookiejar". I got caught doing something that I hadn't thought through. Later I realised that wasn't the only thing I was angry about. I've basically been a black, gloomy could the past few days. I kept blaiming my ex for "making me" change, and this nagging little voice in my head kept telling me I'd have been "happy without him, yes, happy in my old misery"... That I'd have been happy staying in that crazy relationship I was in before I met him, that I'd be happy to continue cutting and harming myself, that I'd have been happy to STAY AS I WAS, thank you very much. - Then it just hit me, a few minutes ago. This isn't about him. At all. This is FEAR popping up. This is FEAR that wants me to stay with what I know. It realises that to change I have to let my old safety nets wither away. I wont be able to harm myself in any way, nor manipulate anyone else to do so for me, I wont be able to hide, lie, justify and forget. I wont be able to blame anyone else, I wont be able to run away from what scares me... For days I have felt like "I'm so dark and sick and twisted"... And now I know I'm not. I'm just feeling scared and now that I have identified it, I think I can handle it (I welcome suggestions, though). There's no waiting phase, there's no learning how to phase. There's just quitting. Paying attention to these elements listed above and stopping myself from doing them. Damn, I'm scared and I really feel like shutting the door saying "well, I'm happy and safe here, goodbye". I am really terrified. The next step I'm looking into is: What healthy things can I replace these patterns with? Cheers from a slightly stunned Sanna-Terocia. |
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October 26, 2005, 9:55 am PDT
THANK YOU MARCIA Because of all your writings here about FEAR I was able to identify this feeling, and now I'll be able to work with it. I also wish you a happy birthday and congrats to achieving all your goals. Cheers, Sanna-Terocia. |
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October 26, 2005, 1:08 pm PDT
i have the self matters book and i did the exercises but it didnt work, i am trying to find out who i am, i thought i knew but now im not sure. i have been modeling off and on for eight years, and now i want to stop because i have not got where i thought i would be by now and the industry has seemed to have gotten really sexual. i dont want to be in porn i am into fashion. well so for eight years it has been about how i look my "image". i think that has had an effect on me and the rejection you deal with because of the competition on who gets the job. so now i have to figure out what i want to do now, and i feel i wasted eight years of my life chasing a dream. so im depressed that i didnt try or pursue a "real" career. All i want is to take care of my family and help my mom out. so thats my career issue that effects me, ill get some feedback on that before i go into my personal issues. :) thank you. |
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October 26, 2005, 2:08 pm PDT
Quote From: enzymbia Wow! I feel like my brain is on vacation! As you might have noticed, I have been quiet the past few days. Well, this is what has happened: The past few days, I have found myself falling into old tracks and I've fellt rather useless. Then, yesterday, my ex said something that got me to react. I got angry at him, and basically stormed off. While walking, I kept thinking about it, wondering what had really made me so upset and I came to the conclution that it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. I got angry because I got "caught with my had in the cookiejar". I got caught doing something that I hadn't thought through. Later I realised that wasn't the only thing I was angry about. I've basically been a black, gloomy could the past few days. I kept blaiming my ex for "making me" change, and this nagging little voice in my head kept telling me I'd have been "happy without him, yes, happy in my old misery"... That I'd have been happy staying in that crazy relationship I was in before I met him, that I'd be happy to continue cutting and harming myself, that I'd have been happy to STAY AS I WAS, thank you very much. - Then it just hit me, a few minutes ago. This isn't about him. At all. This is FEAR popping up. This is FEAR that wants me to stay with what I know. It realises that to change I have to let my old safety nets wither away. I wont be able to harm myself in any way, nor manipulate anyone else to do so for me, I wont be able to hide, lie, justify and forget. I wont be able to blame anyone else, I wont be able to run away from what scares me... For days I have felt like "I'm so dark and sick and twisted"... And now I know I'm not. I'm just feeling scared and now that I have identified it, I think I can handle it (I welcome suggestions, though). There's no waiting phase, there's no learning how to phase. There's just quitting. Paying attention to these elements listed above and stopping myself from doing them. Damn, I'm scared and I really feel like shutting the door saying "well, I'm happy and safe here, goodbye". I am really terrified. The next step I'm looking into is: What healthy things can I replace these patterns with? Cheers from a slightly stunned Sanna-Terocia. You have already seen how the tools in Self Matters is working .... once you finally read it from front to cover, you can finally begin to pull it together for the rest of your life. |
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