Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

It is my belief the chemical balances in our bodies have much to do with how we approach the world and how we react to it.   I believe the chemical balances in our bodies are influenced by how we eat, how we exercise, and the amount of sunlight we receive.  I also believe they are influenced by the people we choose to be around.   

  

I also believe stress changes the chemistry of our bodies.  I believe illness is one of the stresses that can take us one direction or another.  I have met many people with cancer and other terminal illness who have great energy.  To be around them is healing, loving and safe.  I have been around those with chronic pain and they have a very draining energy.  Being around them I feel tired, cranky, and sad.   

  

If I feel this way just being around someone in chronic pain, they could have the same feeling quite amplified.  This is called dual perspective.  We take the time to get out of our box and sit in someone else's for a bit.  I believe when we do this we get to know who we are NOT.  Often knowing who we aren't will help us understand who we are.   

Teri 

Thank you for your reply. Your last sentence "Often knowing who we aren't will help us understand who we are. "   

Of who we want to be or not want to be. Close to Shakespeare, but not trying to imitate. Being around certain people that are negative, I want to grow in a different direction. Bringing to light their short comings, does not help those. They only see their reflection in front of them. 

I do not want to be so narrow in my vision of the distance from me to the next  person. 

Linda 

I went to counselling today.  It was just what I want.  I can say what's on my mind out loud and figure out how to solve my dilemas.  First I am going to work on re-establishing who I am and what it is I want, then I will tackle the marriage, financesl, kids, career issues.  But my health comes first.  So I will continue to care for myself, eating healthy (I have a hard time eating solids), sleeping (even if it means a nap to make up for restless nights, exercise, medication for the clinical depression/migraines/deferred pain from the uterine tumors, etc.  But I will not drink any alcohol this year.  I stopped drinking in general about 8 years ago with an occasional 1/2 beer every so months.  But I've had 6 episodes since August and now all I do is think about drinking.  I drank after the funeral in september, at the october fest, on halloween, on my anniversary, on my birthday (2 parties).  Now I wake up in the night wanting a drink.  Before bed.  Even in the day.  So my rule is nothing no matter what excuse I can drum up.  For a whole year.  I have hypnotherapy on wednesday so I am going to work on not wanting to turn to alcohol or drugs in order to cope with anxiety.  Drugs are only for when I am sick or real pain.  Today is the first day towards recovery.

The one thing I know (and I just figured it out the last few weeks) is that whenever I'm seeking the RIGHTness of a decision, that fear has rose it's nasty little head up. 

  

When I keep going back to a time - then an emotional turmoil is going on inside of me.  The looking at the past and questioning means I need to do some deep emotional work and if I'm going back to a certain time, like when I was 16 and got fired for standing up for my morals -- I figure that I'm being shown that I have known strength and empowerment.  That my 8 year old thinking made it bad because of another's reaction -- well that's something I can not change. 

  

Facing our past means letting go of what you can not change.   

  

And I figure that the 16 year of living memory will help me as I go out into the world again to seek a position.   I have to do some role playing yet to prepare for the nasty places out there.  I figure I'm going to be tested and challenged to ensure that I'm really on track. 

  

However, it doesn't bring up fear tapes -- it's a new thing and not an old tape running amok. 

  

M 

what ever you are trying to force, will persist. 

  

it means simply that when you say DON'T, you'll do it.  It's just a simple response we learned over time. 

  

You are facing what I'm facing with chocolate, caffeine, and other foods that keep me fat.   The more I fight not to do it, the more I want it.  Acknowledging that I can have it in moderation is allowing me to let go of my cravings. 

  

And my cravings are stress-driven and the stress doesn't go away ever ....  I just need to learn an incompatiable activity when those moments occur. 

It's the end of the month so I'm busy once again doing family stuff.  It will slow down next week.  That's cool with me. 

  

Today, I simply started to organize my words I've been writing and collecting into a notebook for me to read over the upcoming new year.   I am at a different place and I know I will need to keep reinforcing my truths. 

  

After yesterday's postings, I figured out quite a bit of stuff out.  Like my 3rd year of healing will be different because I am different.  I can only use my past as a reference of what I did and what I don't want to do again.   Like my search for a job is linked to me being 16 and getting fired because I wouldn't sleep with the new manager.   I was powerful, I was empowered.  Over the years, I lost that piece of me. 

  

Now, I know that I'm facing tests & challenges.  That I have purpose dreams that I'm finally allowing myself to write down and acknowledge.  As I write them down, they generate so many new ideas. 

  

I also have to face the fact that I am no longer she who was.  I am different. I will handle life differently.  I want to go to school and yet, I really am not interested in being a student again.   

  

This morning, I realized that I needed to go back to when I was 8 and go over the events that took place.   What would my life be like if I had continued with dance, remained at the catholic school, & kept my old friends.  I want to explore what it was I wanted to do then so I can allow myself to see what it is I want to do now. 

  

I have thought of many things I can do.  However, isn't it really about the life style I want to live?  I don't want to live the famous life style ... I rather like an artistic one.    

  

As I allow myself to explore my current thoughts, I realized that many of the things I want to do as my purpose is linked to my "need" to teach and my work history was me teaching what I know and moving on.    

  

Going after my HEART's DESIRE means I'm going to explore all sorts of opportunities.   As I explore, I will allow many to go the way of NEVER.  I don't want to return to the corporate world again. I'm not able to deal with the politics.  Integrity and values is something I will live in.  You can't do that in politics.  

This morning I awoke knowing I needed to say thank you.  You took me back to 12 months ago and that took me on a long path of remembering where I was.  I guess that's why I've been so intense about doing goal work. 

  

Last year at this time, I was lost in knowing I had come back to the same list of WANTS year after year.  I had discovered the year before a list I had written a few years before and when I compared it to my current goal list, I saw that I had only changed the priority.  My same wants were on the list.  I even checked my old journals and saw the same list - year after year. 

  

I have never been here before.  I have never remember ever feeling self-confident and knowing that I have the ability and strength to take the next few steps. 

  

Your words show me that I'm on track and helped me to understand what it is I'm feeling right now.  The experience is so new to me and it's all about discovering that I'm not afraid of success anymore. 

  

In fact, every day, I experience a success.   Last April/May 05, I was so tormented. I actually thought I was going to die when I achieved success.   Now, I understand that I'm no way near finished with working towards goals.   I have finally stopped the wishing, wanting, and hoping. 

  

Now, I have to battle the scares of my last workplace.  I have to trust myself to stand up for myself and not allow others to abuse me because I deserve it (or so I believed).  I am different.   I am not her.  I am Marcia. 

i hope this is my last drink for tonite is my first time looking for help i dont want to be sick and tired any more single mom of two jobs and broken heart

Hi Teri, 

  

Your plans sounds great, and I thinks it's very nice of you to want to give back. 

  

By the way sorry for responding back so late, I've been out of shape somehow. Some fears that came up, and a person who been difficult. More issues to deal with. I have some thinking, and actions to do. 

  

Thanks Teri 

The one thing this board has shown me is that I'm not alone.  That there are others out there who have been where I am and have moved forward.  It wasn't easy.   

  

If this site isn't what you are looking for, then check out all the boards to see which one may fit ...   

  

I know what it feels like to be sick and tired; however, I've never been a mom or held down 2 jobs.  But a broken heart, well, I have had more than my share.