Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

With all the posts that have been going on between Teri, Felis, and others, I have been able to move thru quite a bit of thinking quickly.  It's something I taught myself to add to my thinking when my 2004 motto was:  DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.   

My thinking was:  If I'm in a pattern, then my thinking is in a pattern, so I need to do different so whatever conversation arises I will use it in my life to see if it can help me think differently.  I know that sounds weird.  Yet, the one thing I learned early on when I first started to do DAMAGE CONTROL was that I was a mirror - whatever I was - was reflected back to me by the people in my life.  I know that sounds strange; however, yesterday on STARTING OVER, the show discussed it - and it made me realized that you are all reflecting back to me what I need to look at as I contemplate bringing closure to my year.   

On December 31, 2004, I gave myself permission to drop out and let go of what wasn't working in my life.   I had to fight with myself NOT to get re-involved with life ... first it was 3 months, than another 3 months, and then another, and finally the final 3 months.  I have myself the most wonderful gift of all - a whole year!  And in that year, I gave myself the 2nd most important gift --I gave myself permission to use the Self Matters technique to help me challenge my faulty thinking. 

It was hard work cause it meant every month as I review my goals, I would discover that I needed to learn about FORGIVENESS or ANGER or FEAR.  I read so many books - every month it was either 1 or 2 books.  Sometimes, I turned to books I had read previously and finally understood what the author was teaching me. 

I know that I'm different now.  I know that my past is just what made me who I am.  That in the upcoming year, I will be experiencing many of the events, people, places, and life that has always been in my life. The only difference is:  I'M GOING TO BE DOING IT DIFFERENTLY. 

I told my dance partner that I wanted dance to be play for me.  I didn't really want to perform; however, I would go to her shows and be her biggest fan!  She laughed.   

Today, I went to a store that is opening up in the neighborhood about how I can submit my resume.  As I drove up the street, I thought about how it was going to be different now that I was moving on to my next phase of life with a strong foundation.  I remember what it was like when I was 16 years old going to work at the restaurant.  The store is actually right across from where the restaurant was - it's a donut shop now.  I remember how the world was frightening and scary; however, I was powerful.  I felt empowered.  I was young and I knew my self worth. 

Last night, my tapes started to roll when I laid in bed because my crown has chipped and my gum is bruised.  The guy at the hardware store said that the nails on the back of my garage could be coming out because the wood is rotted.  My garage is a historical building - it's even holder than my home which was 130 years old when I bought it in 1997.  My garage was the milkman's place of business.  It was so scary.  And then I remembered ... I was writing a fairy tale!  I was engrossed in writing all the horrors of one.  And then I remembered:  Whatever I'm writing is a lie - it's a fairy tale.  So I allowed myself to acknowledge that I needed to make a plan -- after I learn the truth.  (they used the wrong type of nails and my dentist will see me on Friday because my tooth and gum doesn't hurt.  If it had, he would have seen me today.  So on Friday, I'll learn what my options are.) 

I also want to thank whoever for reminding me:  WHATEVER i TRY TO FORCE, WILL PERSIST.   Cause I've been forcing myself to lose weight, to exercise, to maintain a budget... none of it is working!  And yet, they are when I allow myself to see where I've come from.  I'm doing it.  I'm just not speeding to the finish line.  I have a lot of work still to do.   

Like Oprah says:  I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS! 

THANK YOU ALL FOR HELPING ME GET TO THIS PLACE IN MY LIFE.  IT'S REALLY A WONDERFUL PLACE - I FEEL PEACEFUL AND CALM AND RELAXED! 

I was just thinking about your post ... the one in which you wrote that when you were 19 you quit drinking.  That you have had a drink and never returned to drinking.   

If you are my reflection and I did see myself in your words ...  then maybe instead of the sadness you wrote -- maybe look at what it took for you at 19 years old to STOP drinking (and smoking).   

What values did you display?  Me, I was empowered.  I felt strong.  I knew that I was being harassed and quit a job because I wouldn't cross the line. 

It helped me to remember how it felt. I can even remember the walk home!  It was a Defining Moment in my life - not one I've ever written about previously.  Now, I see that person in me once again. 

The strength, the power, the self you displayed at 19 was powerful!  Maybe that's why your memory is popping up now - why you are reflecting on it.   

What do you think? 

Being a 22 year old married woman is great.  Being 22 and married and a mother of two young children is simply exhausting.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and our children very much, but I do remember a time when I loved to take photographs, read a book, or even write short stories.  Now, it seems like all I do is change diapers, feed, and clean.  However, I know that the time I spend with my family is limited and so I cherish every moment.  Children are young for only a short time, and I realized that I can still do the things that I loved doing.  Maybe it won't be everyday that I can do these things, but every once in a while won't hurt.  As I like to think of it, I have my own little subjects to pose for a picture or maybe even write a story about.  Who knows, they might even appreciate it when they get older....maybe. 

Hello everybody! 

I see and hear about so many people that are searching (just as I have done) for love, respect and selfworth at/within other people. The thing is I believe that we all have to find and decide within ourselves, just like me, that I am worthy and loveable, and I have to start respecting and loving myself on a daily basis. 

I've always been very harsh towards myself, and to certain degree towards others. And I also have had (still have to a certain degree) problems to trust others because of my fears. I'm still struggling with trusting the universe and following the guidance I get. This is the most hardest part of my work with myself to trust and know that I'm loveable and worthy, and also trusting the guidance I get towards living the life I am meant to be living. I am having my ups and downs emotionally, like we all have. 

The thing is we all have to work with ourselves, and I believe I am worthy of taking the time to work with myself, and is honored to do so. Even if this a tough job that some people never have the courage to do. 

I welcome your opinions/feedback on this, please write. 

Feliss 

Hi,  I am new to the site and having difficulty with the concept of authentic self. I am currently going through a difficult time, particularly around the concept of saying NO to people. I have recently had to stand up to some people in my life who I felt were taking liberties e.g. I looked after a friends house and animals to allow her to go away on holidays, following a bereavement in her family. When she returned she left it a few days before calling to thank me. She wanted me to call over to pick up a present and money for what I did, I found the idea of calling over for this,  embarrassing. I said I would all her back. I eventually did and left a message but  I never heard from her since, thats over two weeks ago. I called and said I was dissapointed and hurt that she had not contacted me since, even to acknowledge the amount of work I had done for her -36 animals to care for and a house-she didnt take it well. I was told that I was on her list of things to do!!! Talk about putting a value on what I had done. I am really fed up with being treated like dirt. She is not the only one in my life who has taken it for granted that I will always be there, no matter how badly I am treated. I take responsibility for allowing this to happen, I have obviously taught these people that it is ok to treat me like this. It hurts a lot though. She wants me to go over and meet her , in her house to resolve this and I suppose pick up my reward! Again its on her terms, where she wants to meet, when she wants to meet etc etc. Apparently she is just too busy to see me until then.  

My gut feeling is not to go and not to resolve this, but put her out of my life. I am very dissapointed.  

A child to be happy will experience peace, calm, and can predict the consequences of their actions.   That's also true for adults. 

Today, I just allowed myself to commit to family and friends. I hear my "leave me alone" tapes running amok and I'm dealing with them.  I can't think of anything that really needs to be addressed in my life.    

And I know that the last few times this happened, I experienced an event that I needed to seek answers to.  So I'm enjoying the short time I have right now ... it's calm and peaceful and I can predict the consequences of many of my actions and I'm making choices that are good for me. 

I guess that means I'm happy.  hmmm.....  I've never really ever been happy with myself ...  I always looked for others to give it to me. 

You wrote that you took care of this friend's home & animals while she went on a holiday following a family beheavement.   Did you make a verbal contract or were you expecting her to do something afterwards?  Did you leave it up to her to choose your reward? 

The real question is:  if you don't resolve it, will you be able to let it go?  It sounds like you were where I was a year ago.   You are playing quite a bit of WHAT IF? 

I'm not sure how to answer any of your questions.  For me, I ended up writing up questions to ask myself about situations.  For example: 

When XXX happens, my response is:___ 

Then their response is: ______ 

Then my response is: ______ 

Then their respone is:  ______ 

And when all is said and done, I am ____________________ in my life. 

So what can I do differently this time:  ______________ 

Sometimes I had to turn to a book - there are so many on so many issues on life.  I would go to the library and just search for a title that felt right to me and use it to help me learn to do differently. 

Sometimes, I just let it go until I understood what my feelings were and deal with them before I would take action.  Funny thing is, nobody missed me - they were so enmeshed in their own crappy lifes that they just kept on going on without me. 

It hurt me when I discovered this - and yet, it was freeing as well cause it allowed me to stop and take a real good hard look at myself. 

And yes, you do teach people how to treat you.  Getting angry at them because you taught them how to treat you isn't fair to yourself.    

And if the breavement has lead your friend into grieving, your friend isn't conscious of what's going on around her right now.  She may sound like she's all there; she's not.   

I'm not sure my words are helpful or not.  I wish you well in learning what the next step is you want to take to learn to treat yourself better. 

Feliss, I believe that we all were raised to take care of others before ourselves.  That it's better to give than receive.  and it's true if you are doing it the right way. 

I heard something last week that really has me reflecting on my life:  Just because I forgive someone doesn't mean I have to get stupid. 

It was said during a conversation when a woman asked another:  I keep forgiving and forgiving and they keep walking all over me.  Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? 

The answer was:  forgiveness is about "me".  Forgiving a person who will use you, take advantage of you, or abuse you isn't about allowing them to continue it.  It's about forgiving them and you --- as you both have played a role in the relationship.  It's also about acknowledging that you can not change anyone but yourself. That you are the only person who controls what you think, feel, and do. 

Acknowledging and forgiving the other person means accepting them for who they are and taking care that you do not fall victim again. 

It's about taking care of yourself - cause the truth is, once you do you do different.  And you meet new people who do as you do.    

I really do believe that we bring to us people like us.  That as we mature and grow, we will bring to us people of like.    

And it's true for me now.  When I met guys who I would have felt honored to go out with 3 years ago, I now see them as what was/has been wrong for me.  I hear what they are saying, I see what they are doing and I understand now that my needs are so much different now. I respect myself.  I live with in the boundaries of my values and with integrity.  When I don't, I hurt.  And if the new people in my life do not live to values and integrity that I feel are bottom lines for me, I allow them to leave my space.  I do not expect them to live my values/integrity --however, truthfulness, honesty, & loyalty are high on my list now.   

did I answer your question?