Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

I believe that everything is an opportunity - moving back is one of them.   

What you dislike about them is your best test ...  I know that facing my own personal family takes a lot of work for me.  Today I got a killer headache dealing with my mom.  She's really got a good heart, she's just so disorganized and I never know from 1 moment to the next what the plans are.  I do so much better 1-on-1 with her or with my 1 sister that I make it a point to only spend time with her.   When she's with my brother, I get put down a rung - it was the way I was raised and the way she was raised. 

Hell her grandfather never forgave her grandmother for having a girl and my grandmother knew it all her life. If I remember the story right, my grandmother's name was WILLIAM for a few days until he finally allowed it to be changed to Billie.  Hell, for that matter, she might have had to keep WILLIAM.   

Get a plan in place - you'll do well that way.  I used my goal work to ask me where I am with family and friends.  So when I got derailed, I could pick myself up again. 

Blue & Teri, I started journaling the day I lied to my therapist and said I had purchased THE COURAGE TO HEAL and had begun to journal.   I never was good at lying and got busted.   

Blue, I do have an online journal ... I used it to keep track of what was going on in my life in September 05.  It was my 1st attempt at doing what I'm doing now - a review. It's been hard trying to figure out what's going on in my life; however, I do got it now! 

Yesterday and today has been really spacey for me.  I'm here and yet my mind is like marshmallow.  I know it's a crazy description; however, I'm here! 

I did my goal notebook again.  It really has turned out really nice.   I'm using Jan. 06 issue of O Mag as my entrance into the new year.  I've been clipping stuff out for months now, tearing out articles, pictures, whatever.   I mean, I'm really opened to my new phase of my life and I'm really not sure what there is I want to do.  I have until the 15th so I'm just allowing myself a vacation from it.   

Well, my AHA came today ... I was tearing out stuff from O Mag while watching STARTING OVER.  The one girl is seeing specialists regarding her sexual child abuse issues and with me having finished reading and living Self Matters for the last few months, I really do understand better ... I mean, when I read or listen to something I nod my head and go, YEAH YEAH that's so true for me too!   

Today I just lifted my head to hear the sex specialist she was sent to and HER WORDS WERE SO POWERFUL.  She told the woman to close her eyes and see her 10-year old self -- then she said:  A 10-YEAR OLD HAS NO BUSINESS GOING ON A DATE.  It was like being hit with a hammer.   I'm a visualist - it doesn't take me much to go to my safe place within and I did --- I continued on with that thinking with:  AN 8 year old  has no business going on a date   OR  dealing with money   OR going to work.   AN 8 YEAR OLD SHOULD BE PLAYING!! 

It was very powerful for me - I'm receiving answers from everywhere ...  Even Oprah. 

Today, I read Martha Beck's article and I saw my description immediately:  I need facts and data so I can make a decision.  That's why this program has been so hard for me.  I had to validate everything Dr. Phil has said, done, and written.  I went out to prove the man wrong and -- I never could! 

There was another too from the show.  It was really intense for me today.   It always is when I go to the Support Group.  We are working on goals ...  It was a Weight Loss Challenge support group; however, we are all at different places in our lives and we have come together and have been together for a while.   I'm not sure if we are going to make it to next month or even another year.  If we do, then we are uniting as a sisterhood.  That's something totally different and it will be another challenge I will gladly face.  I can stand up to my fears when they surface and have been learning to figure out when it's happening as it does. 

Hmmmm   overall, it's been a good day for me. 

If I were to define my "self", the words are positive; most consider me to have leadership skills with an optimistic, positive attitude. However, my existence doesn't reflect this. 8 mos. ago, left 19 yr (2nd) marriage I considered "abusive".  Took my 16 yr old son, moved 1,400 miles away from husband, 18 yr old son, 2-daughters (34 & 36) 2 grandkids (7 mos & 15 yrs), and the transition has me in a whirlpool of thoughts and revelations as I attempt to just live and improve versus wallow and stagnate.  My income is hourly; this month I've lost 80 hours due to illness (brought on by climate, stress, and probably stinking-thinking); have no "safe" friends, lots of family close by but miles away in emotional support, love-hate with "churched" people and at 57, desperate to get it together before I'm taken out of this world! HELP!  Please dialogue with me!   

I would be afaird to go on this show it would probley be his biggest test yet. I would be a years worth of shows and then maybe we could get to the root of me. I know what you mean by saying you do not know where to begin. I am sure you will do good with making little steps atleast you have the courage to make a step. I feel so overwhelmed I can not seem to move. I sit and wish I had the guts to make a move I want things to change just have no clue how to even start.