Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

 But don't you see that it was your optimistic, positive attitude, and leadership qualities that galvanized you into this move? To stay in an abusive relationship takes none of these virtues. Change is hard, but trust in your instincts. If your family lived this far away, they may not have had any idea how bad it was with your husband. Give them time. What has been brewing for you a long time, just sprang full grown on them.
Stress will cause immunities to weaken, if possible take some steps to learn how to reduce it when it rears it's ugly head. Yoga or meditation can be very beneficial in this area.
Keep us posted, take care.

Your user name is "hopeless." Is that truly what you want to present to the world? By labeling yourself that, you will live up to it as your personal truth.
Step number one, change it to "hopeful" and you will begin the process of changing your personal truth.
Step number two, get hold of a copy of SELF MATTERS and commit to going through it with a willing spirit in the attitude of HOPEFULLNESS. Many of us here have been through the book and are willing to help you through the rough spots. Many of us are going through it now, and can commiserate with you on your journey. It's very much a personal therapy that you go through at your own speed.
Welcome and good luck.

 You begin at the beginning. If you keep at it and work diligently to become your very best friend, I predict that you will eventually come to a place in your life where you are at peace with ages 9 to 24. In fact, I predict that you will not only accept them, but realize that they were exactly the lessons you needed to become the person you will become at the end of the book.
And that's not the end of it either. I read the book 3 years ago, and had some related counseling to get past the rougher spots. I've found that my life is an ongoing exciting learning experience, and I'm loving it more and more as time goes on.
Don' t wait to "be more emotionally sound", that's an excuse to keep avoiding the self-confrontation that scares you. You won't be more emotionally sound UNTIL you tackle the self-confrontations.
I went into it thinking I would prove to myself once and for all that I was a hopeless loser. The outcome is totally the opposite. DON"T WAIT, don't let your fears waste another day of your precious life.

 The funniest thing happened when I finally sat down to write this letter I have been dreading.

The first draft was simply a "vent" letter, and intended to let me just spew it all out without any restrictions; afterwards I could actually THINK for the first time in almost a year.  All the marbles in my head just stopped rolling around and it felt quieter than it had in years.

I waited a few days before I went any further; I wanted to experience this new feeling of "quiet" for a little while before I started messin' around with it.

When I came back to write the letter I had intended to send to him, another thing had changed.  Instead of this letter being a "This is what you failed to do for me" letter, it became a letter of positive affirmations toward ME.  Instead of venting some more, which he still wouldn't get, I began to write what I was no longer willing to have in my life.

That was life-changing; definately a new kind of defining moment in my life.  That was a few weeks ago, and those life-altering thoughts have really taken hold, and have helped me face another controlling situation.  I was able to keep my integrity, keep my boundaries and keep my cool in what could have been a giant step backwards for me.  The party in question sure isn't happy about it, and isn't shy about letting me know about it; that's okay, too.  I have realized that this is a learning experience for all of us in close proximity, and I need to be as tolerant of others as they learn as well.

In the end I never sent that letter.  I realized that he would never understand the gravity of it, and sending it would keep me locked in the battle of hate I no longer wanted.  I let the baggage go.

For the first time in years I found myself talking about the good things that had happened in the relationship, and the good things I have learned from him  --  i.e. I have a new appreciation of jazz that I would have never gotten into had this person not introduced me to it, and this is a new gift I enjoy nearly every day.

Healing sometimes creeps up on you in stockinged feet, but it is sweet when it does.

Now I can work on the bigger vision, and make the steps I need to in order to keep moving forward.

well today is a blue day I only know that I am so heavey hearted. I am looking for any idea for some baby steps, just something to keep me going so I do not just get depressed and give up. I want to change the way I think and feel if I could only get passed today. I will take any suggestion

 MER, the sweet warm breath of spring after a long cold winter!

Scroll up to the top to the ADVICE category. In the menu under it click on SELF MATTERS. This gives an overview of the book. I know reading a book isn't for everyone, and this one is a difficult read. It literally saved my life though, and I'm grateful to the bottom of my heart that the good doctor wrote it. Nothing ever means much to us unless it's difficult to obtain or accomplish, but what could be more meaningful than creating your own life? Nobody else is living in your skin with you, we can try to influence, we can encourage, we can stand by you, but we can't do it for you.
Hope the rest of the day is better. Linda

Dr. Phil Tip Of The Day :

I want to talk to you today about life, and that is a pretty broad topic. I know that it is. But what I want you to do is stop and think about how much fun you are having in your life.  

We live in such a hectic world. We live in a laser lane where everything is fast-paced. You keep your head down and it is all work. Even in relationships, if all you ever deal with are problems, then you are going to have a problem relationship.  

I just want you to step back and ask: Am I doing all work? Am I dealing with all problems? Experts tell us that if we are alive in the year 2010, our life expectancy is 120 years. Now think about that. If you are 40, that means you have got eighty years left, and that means it is going to be really dull and boring if you are not having some fun. This is no dress rehearsal, and you are burning daylight. Have some fun. Take a break.  

 

  

  

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I've cheated myself. It's clearer to me more every day that, although I feel I'm where I want to be in my life, it's not quite how I want it. When I met my husband, I had no romantic interest in him. He, on the other hand, did everything in his power to manipulate people and situations so as to control my life. He wanted nothing more than for me to be with him. He was my best friend, but I had no further interest in him. Finally, he gave up and moved on with another woman for a few months. When it was apparent that things would not work out with her and he came back into the area, I realized that I did love him very much and wanted to now be a part of his life. We've been together now for four years. And I am happy, for the most part. But somewhere along the way I started to give in. All the little things that aren't worth arguing about at first. But it snowballed into giving up on all sorts of things that mattered to me that he didn't agree with. Certain relationships, hobbeys, habits - the list goes on. I am not me anymore. I'm fed up with it and would love to change it, but I don't even know how to start. It's easy to say, just don't give in to him anymore. If I want to go to lunch with a friend, don't give in to his guilt trip. When it comes down to it, I am weak and cave in. I have three children I devote a LOT of time to and love more than anything, but I feel like I deserve to be me, too and shouldn't have to ask for things anymore. I moved out of my parents' years ago.