Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Defining Your Authentic Self

marcia52

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December 22, 2005, 6:57 am PST

Stuck at home ....

My sister/friend has my keys to my car so I didn't make it to the gym today! I really was looking forward to it.

Later she's coming over and we are going to do the cookie gig again. She's really in her element ....

She's been depressed cause she's got no family and she's got no one.... I laughed at her and said what about me! I told her that you can't keep living in the past ... that the only thing you can do is create new traditions and let go of the old.

It's really strange cause I see her living her patterns .. I told her that next year, if she does her STAYING IN BED FOR WEEKS AT A TIME, I was going to do everything without her. I also told her, I was going to do it different. That waiting for her was to stressful and I didn't appreciate having to wait until the last moment to purchase the necessary items. I'm not happy with her behavior and I know that only she is capable of changing herself.

I'm not angry or bitter or even upset. I knew what I was getting myself into. But next year, I'm going to be so much stronger than I am now! I'm going to write up my plan NOW!! I'm going to write on my calendar that in November, I'm to look at my cookie list. I can do this for me! and I'm going to be doing different again!

And yes, I was really nervous on Tuesday when we first started. I had to deal with some of my thoughts ... the ones where I want to run away. I also sat down with paper and pen to figure out what it was I was saying to myself. And it all was fear from when I was a kid. We weren't allowed to waste food and I was always told I wasn't allowed. It's just old stuff that I'm quickly rewriting tapes too.

And i'm going to continue this line of re-working my tapes throughout 2006. I can't wait to experience making cookies in 2006! I'm going to be doing different and making new memories that will help me to work thru the old HER. Isn't that the coolest!

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ritehere

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December 22, 2005, 8:26 am PST

Have to disagree with you...

Quote From: stango

There is alot of disscusion today about finding your authentic self and that just makes no self because that phrase is implying that it is predetermined who we are which is contradictory to the fact that the way people are is the result of learning behaviors from someone else. Wouldn't the message of "Become Who YOU Want To Be" be a better concept? Its almost like saying like saying "a white kid can't wear hip hop cloths because thats not where he or she comes from". Well, thats just something to think about and I would love to hear the opinion of others:)

"the way people are is the result of learning behaviors from someone else." How sad, if this was true, that those of us who had horrible teachers in life would be doomed to repeat the behaviors that they demonstrated. I was molested as a child, but I chose not to repeat this behavior as an adult. I was labeled shy, simple, slow, stupid, slut, as I was growing up, but realized that none of these were true and I could stop living up to the tags.
Your authentic self is the part of you that denies the negative labels and perceptions of others, allows you to see the lies and frees you from the prison of your own making. And yes, the message is "Become who YOU want to be." You've got the concept right. It's possible that because you've never been horribly scarred, the "slate of you" has never been negatively written on or gouged upon, that you don't realize that there are many of us who don't know that life is precious, OUR lives can be precious and worth living. This is what living our authentic lives is all about.

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ritehere

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December 22, 2005, 8:41 am PST

Change your perception of yourself...

Quote From: justsurfn

Well guess you are absolutely right, am a goof up, ha?? I must really have broken world's record with my driving and give it up all together. Anyways thanks so much and will think of all you mentioned above. take care friend.

jenn

YOU are not a goof up, you have had some goof ups. You're behavior has gotten you into trouble, but YOU are a worthwhile person.
I used to be terrified of driving. Well, technically it wasn't the driving itself, it was the thought of passengers critiqueing my driving that terrified me. I was the "goof up", the "scatter-brain" that couldn't do anything right. As long as I believed this I was a terrible driver.
Driving is a skill, it gives us freedom and choices. Is a fear of freedom or choice at the bottom of your fear?
I had a dream, where I was in hand-to-hand combat with a bull. I hand my hands on his horns and he was pushing me all over the arena. I interpreted this as my authentic self trying to tell me to "take the bull by the horns" and get over my fears. I applied for a job as a mail courier and got it. I knew I would probably be fired in no time because of my poor driving skills, but my goal was bigger, I decided that I was going to learn how to be a good driver and I was going to get over my insane fear of passengers watching my driving. And I did. They put you through some intense training, all with someone watching your every move. I ended up in that job for 9 years. I loved it!
But nothing would have been resolved if I hadn't taken that first terrifying step of getting that job.
When you take on your fears, you have to ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen? In your case I'd say the worst DID happen. But it didn't have to happen again. For some reason you have let that one mistake "take over" and permanently label you as a bad driver.
Maybe you should get some counseling?

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ritehere

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December 22, 2005, 8:58 am PST

I had to answer this one...

Quote From: taemanai

Living for love, that is very tempting. You could be onto something I haven't been doing, but would like to be. For some reason, in places that are cold, people do seem to be able do this much more easily. It may be the warm houses that are inviting, or the way the mind and heart is so much more open in the cooler weather, (with a more active mind) or it may be that priorities are different.

I didn't finish the degree I kind of wanted (a while ago), but a did learn a whole lot, and certainly is was about differences, staying calm and organisation. Things I did need to explore, also why do people enjoy the outdoors? I've never really spent the amound of time outdoors I'd like to answer the question properly.

It is a bit hot here, I myself are eager for a new year to begin. I'm happy and with what you've been telling me when you wrote and to be writing and gratefully relaxing. Thanks for the smile.

Taemanai

Taemanai, you asked why do people enjoy the outdoors?
For me, it's a "reconnection." When I spend too much time in the city, or indoors, my horizons become very limited and narrow. I imagine myself bigger and more important than I should. When you are outdoors your perspective widens. When you spend days outdoors, for instance while camping out, you begin to feel your rightful place in the universe, and how you belong to our local community here on the Earth. It can be humbling, beautiful, and "expanding." In a word, spiritual. The handiwork of nature is awesome, and the only way you can experience it is to get outside and move.

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ritehere

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December 22, 2005, 9:07 am PST

You are not getting it.

Quote From: taemanai

as an authentic self. It sounds kind of like 'authentic wool' as opposed to the synthetic type. It is a form of discrimination, that people would prefer only the side that came from the original thought to a reaction or experience. Are we more real, authentic to family or friends? If we think someone is not going to treat us right, I do think that affects which self we do give.

The loud, noisy type seems less authentic, but I guess, it is up to the individual. (this could be just the way I am)

Taemanai

Perhaps you don't get what we mean by authentic self because you would call it by another name. "Higher self", maybe, or "Inner Truth" or something. The authentic self does not change when confronted by different people or situations. These are the fake veneers that people assume, the masks that they think they need to present to the world to be liked or gain respect. The person living his or her authentic life has all of the personal regard and self-love they need. It comes from themselves and goes to themselves. Because they regard themselves highly, they don't allow others' perceptions to sway them from their personal truth. This is not to say that they are vain, selfish, or self-centered. When you regard yourself highly, you have the capacity to love others in an unselfish way, and to sacrifice for others like your family and children, without demanding or expecting that they be grateful, or owe you in some way. Unconditional love becomes possible.
Does this help you to understand?

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ritehere

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December 22, 2005, 9:23 am PST

Not exactly sure what you are asking.

Quote From: taemanai

with their kids there? Is it a universal law? Is it for other reasons of 'sanity'? Does it have to do with ideals and future-directions that will be altered or unattainable like 'developing independence'?

How does one have a healthy relationship?

I was at peace after the recruiter left because I felt that I had been an example of asserting personal integrity to all of the young men. If I had taken on the "mask" of complacent good will, I would have betrayed my authentic self, which was outraged by the behavior of the recruiter. I was not impressed by his excuses or his attitude, and I let him know it. I don't argue with people just to be "one up" or gain a feeling of superiority, this was a question of being disrespected. I do not teach people that it's OK to disrespect me anymore.

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ritehere

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December 22, 2005, 9:37 am PST

Sometimes it's hard to remember.

Quote From: popptart

I don't buy books normally but I couldnt wait to open 'self matters' I am such a fan of Dr. Phil and couldnt wait to find my 'authentic self' so i can see things as clearly as he does. Well I sat down with a journal and was ready to do my homework (knowing their would definatly be some), read frantically, until I reached my first task, remembering, I blocked so many things that we're my, critical moments, that I feel I can't get the work done right for lack of complete details.

If anyone could send advise I would love to hear it cause I have tried and tried but I cant get past it cause I feel like i'm not getting the work done correctly without exact facts.

Dawn

Don't worry too much about memories. Sometimes things come up later, when we are thinking of other things, like trying to remember a trivial fact that pops into your mind hours later. If you can't remember much at all for certain age groups, it may indicate that things were going smoothly at that time in your life.
And then, sometimes memories are repressed. Usually you will get an indication of a repressed memory by the emotions that come up. If you experience anxiety or other strong emotion when trying to think of certain age groups, or a partial memory comes up that brings on difficult emotions, you may need some help. Just remember that whatever it is you are denying and covering up, it's in the past and even though the memory is uncomfortable, you are safe now. Be calm, quiet, and patient with yourself. It may take awhile, but it will eventually come.
And don't get too fixated on exact facts either. Your memory of certain events may not mesh with anothers exact memory. What you are doing is bringing up the memory because it caused a strong feeling or reaction in you.

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stango

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December 22, 2005, 9:54 am PST

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: feliss75

Hello there,

You are of course entitled to define authentic in your way "in your world". To me authentic isn't what fashion you choose to wear or what kind of job you choose to work with, and I am sure a lot people would agree with me. You haven't as Dr phil would say "got it" yet.

I wish you all the best to develop yourself and to get what it means with findig your authentic self when you are ready and have the courage to discover this. I wish all the best in the mean time.

Love and light

Feliss

How can you say I don't have it yet, when you just repeated what I just said? You just used different words that mean the same thing:)!

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ritehere

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December 22, 2005, 10:01 am PST

Dear Brenda,

Quote From: blgspc

Hi All,

This will be my last posting before I move tomorrow, to the house near the beach. Needless to say I am having very mixed feelings about all of this. I’m sorry I’ve been off the board, PACKING.

Linda, I started working on the questions in chapter 11. Found out I was coming up with a lot of, “Don’t know…” OR “Not sure…” Unfortunately, while a friend was helping me with the down stairs packing they accidentally PACKED the ’Self Matters’ book. I have also considered talking to my father about my feelings about the financing arrangements but he typically WON’T discuss ’feeling’ matters. He typically just gets up and walks away, LITERALLY when issues like these surface in a conversation. I’m going to make an attempt to do that. He just DOES NOT care for talk about ’feelings’, PERIOD.

I intend to keep in touch as soon as I re-connect with the on line service once I move in tomorrow.

I’ve missed you all so much.

I’m going to have to catch-up with everyone when I’m settled. I now have to PACK UP the computer.

Keeping all of you in my thoughts.

Brenda

Don't feel too badly that you can't talk to your father about things. Sometimes it just turns into justifications, the COA, because they feel guilty or whatever. My mom leaves the room to this day when I bring up my molestation as a child. It's too painful, and in recent years, I've come to the conclusion that it may not be just guilt. I suspect that she was possibly abused as a child by her uncle.
Look to people's actions. They always speak louder than words. I will help you with one. In your post you stated that your father does not control your twin sister, even thought she has accepted his financial help in the past. So how true is your statement that by accepting his help, you would be accepting also his "control" over you? Wouldn't a more true statement be "If I accept financial help from my father, I feel like I'm giving up control to him"? Key words here have to do with your feelings. If you feel that his help has strings attached, where did you get that notion? If it were true at one time, is it true today? And who is REALLY in control of the strings?

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stango

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December 22, 2005, 10:02 am PST

Hey

Quote From: ritehere

"the way people are is the result of learning behaviors from someone else." How sad, if this was true, that those of us who had horrible teachers in life would be doomed to repeat the behaviors that they demonstrated. I was molested as a child, but I chose not to repeat this behavior as an adult. I was labeled shy, simple, slow, stupid, slut, as I was growing up, but realized that none of these were true and I could stop living up to the tags.
Your authentic self is the part of you that denies the negative labels and perceptions of others, allows you to see the lies and frees you from the prison of your own making. And yes, the message is "Become who YOU want to be." You've got the concept right. It's possible that because you've never been horribly scarred, the "slate of you" has never been negatively written on or gouged upon, that you don't realize that there are many of us who don't know that life is precious, OUR lives can be precious and worth living. This is what living our authentic lives is all about.

Listen hear, You learned how to become a good person and you learned to avoid the negatives alright. I wasn't here trying to write you off ok! I was only trying to down play this whole talk about being born a certain way and I wanted your opinion on that statement only. I didn't ask for you to call me a sheltered brat! And those weren't your exact words but they can be implied. Please stay within the perimeters here!

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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Stuck at home ....

Have to disagree with you...

Change your perception of yourself...

I had to answer this one...

You are not getting it.

Not exactly sure what you are asking.

Sometimes it's hard to remember.

Defining Your Authentic Self

Dear Brenda,

Hey