Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: teri_id

Linda, 

  

My boyfriend and I have tried from the very beginning to make certain agreements, and to keep them.  We don't always succeed, and he is much more adept at it than I am, yet it has been something we can refer to when we are having difficulties.   

  

Another thing we are recognizing is boundaries.  You mention something that reminds me of a problem we have recently had.  We have tried for the last 4 years to stop an argument before it gets heated.  Each of us has tried to stop talking and just go cool off, yet the other will not allow that to happen.  When the other, either me or him as we both have done it, goads us into returning to the argument, it really turns ugly.   

  

Now, why on earth would I think anyone would respect my boundaries if I cannot respect my own?  If I allow myself to be goaded back into the argument, he is not going to take my boundaries seriously.  If he does not respect his own boundaries, why would I?  If I perceive him as just wanting to control the situation, I am not going to have the respect for him and his position than if he is just trying to respect his own boundaries.  We saw this rather  clearly the other day and we were able to do a sort of incident review on our argument.  We looked where it got ugly and that was it.  When I said I was angry and needed to go calm down, that was not respected.  A few moments later when he said he did not want to argue, that was not respected...and the gloves came off!   

  

I am sure your husband is a wonderful person.  I know my boyfriend is as well.  Isn't it nice, however, to know we are not with men who are terminally perfect?  What that could be like!  Whew!   

  

I am learning to stand up for myself.  I am getting better at it.  I am trying to do with quietly, with dignity, yet I often find myself doing it with anger and defiance just as a child would.  I suppose again, this is where practice makes perfect, yes?   

  

Ah...who are you wanting to see in New York?  The Philharmonic?  A rock band?  I would think there is a myriad of cultural events in a mecca such as New York...sigh.  Here in good ol' Salmon, Idaho there is no hope to see the symphony, but you might find someone who can fiddle pretty good and someone who picks their guitar pretty well... 

  

Take care Linda. 

Teri   

Quote From: teri_id

You know, I had to have it recommended to me that I only read the whole book before I go back and actually do the exercises.  I found myself getting stuck as well, and it does make one want to put the book down and not pick it up.  So, I took this good advice Marcia gave me and I just started reading it...without a notebook and pencil.  It is becoming clearer to me how the exercises are supposed to work now, and what I do recollect is symbolic of each change to my authentic self.   

  

I still have parts of my growing up that I do not recall, nor do I think I want to.  I am grateful for the fog for the most part.  You do not have to clear the fog, as the best you can do is fine...you will get closer and closer approximations as you practice.  

  

I am 35, soon to be 36, and find I can put more energy into the years when I know in my heart a lot of the problems for me started.  Staying on track can be difficult unless you make an agreement with yourself that this is what you want for you.  Marcia has used some wonderful tools to keep her on track, and I know for me it has been realizing I am worth everything I invest in me.  If I don't keep a commitment to myself, how can I keep one to anyone else?  So, if I am to be a good mate to anyone, I must first understand what it is to be good to myself, and finding the authentic me is very, very important.   

  

Good luck!  We look forward to hearing more of your journey. 

Teri 

Quote From: marcia52

How about those that post!!???  Who has not written these words before.  Welcome to choas as you've never known before.   

  

Best advice I can give you.  Read the book from front to back & do the exercises.  DON'T GET UPSET that you can't remember.  Find out what the process is all about.   

  

THEN READ THE BOOK AGAIN ....  this time, you'll understand what it's all about ...   LISTENING TO WHAT YOU ARE TELLING YOURSELF and challenging your faulty thinking by CONNECTING-THE-DOTS. 

Quote From: teri_id

Brenda, 

  

It is great to "see" you!!!   

  

Boy, I know it isn't really funny, still I find myself laughing at your responses to your father.  Maybe you need to post an Emancipation Proclamation of sorts on your front door.  I do like the way you use humor in your responses.  I think it is infuriating when someone tells me what I want, what I need, or what my intentions are.  I don't handle that well and I don't know how you do it.   

  

I send a huge hug your way, and again, am soooo glad to see you!   

  

Oh, by the way, ask him why grocery stores are open 24 hours a day?  Is it just to get robbed if people don't go there after dark? lol. 

Quote From: ritehere

 Don't worry too much about memories. Sometimes things come up later, when we are thinking of other things, like trying to remember a trivial fact that pops into your mind hours later. If you can't remember much at all for certain age groups, it may indicate that things were going smoothly at that time in your life.
And then, sometimes memories are repressed. Usually you will get an indication of a repressed memory by the emotions that come up. If you experience anxiety or other strong emotion when trying to think of certain age groups, or a partial memory comes up that brings on difficult emotions, you may need some help. Just remember that whatever it is you are denying and covering up, it's in the past and even though the memory is uncomfortable, you are safe now. Be calm, quiet, and patient with yourself. It may take awhile, but it will eventually come.
And don't get too fixated on exact facts either. Your memory of certain events may not mesh with anothers exact memory. What you are doing is bringing up the memory because it caused a strong feeling or reaction in you.

Quote From: popptart

Thank you so much for saying what you said about being safe, I already feel more relaxed, that really hit home. I dont belive I feel safe when I think about major gaps in my life and I trust no one to ask for the facts. 

I belive im going to relax and just let it come to me and know that no matter what happend in my life, its ok now and I do belive it will come to me.