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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 11:20:02 am
Author : dataimport
Have you read "Self Matters" or become familiar with the process of uncovering your authentic self from watching the show? Share your story here.

 
marcia52
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January 30, 2006, 7:31 am PST

Hi Kathy and welcome ....

Quote From: blue_white

Hello again! MY NAME IS Kathy. This is some of "my story."

I have posted on the drphil.com boards for over two years as Blue. As Blue, you know, I usually write rhymes. But in the last few months I have used MORE THAN ONE USERNAME. My thinking here WAS something like different strokes for different folks --or perhaps I was just afraid to be REAL. Its not easy being Blue here.

Just FOR NOW I wanted you to know that Im struggling. It is hard for me to come here and tell you this. I am just coming to grips with a diagnosis of BIPOLAR DISORDER that I have sidestepped for many years. Very recently, I started posting on the Bipolar Disorder Message Board and found support there.

I know, from personal experience, that these boards really help! I need the support I have found here as well. I am afraid of the STIGMA of MENTAL ILLNESS but feel I want to be honest with you folks before I go any further here. Admitting I am mentally ill really doesnt bother me all of a sudden! I know this has nothing to do with my character. Im proud of WHO I AM and WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED in my life generally, and specifically, on these boards. This is just another step forward, I guess.

What gives me problems is taking the medication that has been prescribed! Its like Im GIVING IN! For 10 years I accepted other diagnosis's MAJOR DEPRESSION/ Borderline Personality Disorder/ Post Traumatic Stress etc. etc. LABELS the different doctors stuck on me. I took their drugs. Did the cognitive work... Ya-da-Ya-da!

In the summer of 2003 I lost my medical coverage and WENT OFF MY MEDS, as we say. I was looking for an excuse anyway because medications really didnt help. But the COGNITIVE THERAPY I received worked! So then I started to work on what I could do FOR MYSELF. I read a lot about mental and emotional problems etc. AND ate up SELF HELP books and tapes. Then I found Dr. Phil at the library (Life Strategies) --Started watching the show --Got on the Weight Loss Challenge (WLC) boards. Started my own board here. Lost over 65 pounds! Started another support board here for military families. AND FOUND MY WAY HERE/ WOW! WHAT A LOOK IN THE MIRROR! /

You will notice the NEW profile picture for Blue. Its only temporary for something Im doing on another board. --by the way thats one of the reasons Im explaining all this. I (sort of) FORCED this OUTING of myself because I uploaded this picture recently and I post a lot of places on these boards. Previously I didnt want folks to know much about the person behind the Blue mask.

Anyway... Its really scary for me to be posting this for the WHOLE WORLD to see. But its PAST TIME for me to Get Real! I have posted a version of this on my Shared Diary, so my friends will know --But dont think its necessary on other boards because Its just wont be relevant to those discussions.

This is probably all part of this SELF MATTERS process. For now, my plan is to be at peace with:

1.) MY DECISION to accept the PROFESSIONAL opinion of my doctors and my Therapist.

2.) The reality that I am STRUGGLING and need MORE help then I can get on-my-own. --So I have started taking the proper medication prescribed for Bipolar Disorder. (Lamictal --somewhat similar to lithium) I am also in individual and group therapy and will now see the Psychiatrist every month (formerly it was every 3 months.)

3.) The fact that there are other people and resources that will HELP ME LIVE this NEW chapter. I know this is one safe place. Many of you have faced your "demons here and have survived!

Thanks ahead-of-time for everything! Thanks for listening and standing with me in this struggle! I appreciate your understanding!

Kathy
______________________________________________________

USERNAME red_white
(a.k.a.) Mikes Mom

BETTER known in the drphil.com neighborhood as:
USERNAME blue_white
Blue

I was diagnosed as Manic Depressive back in the late 80's ... I was on Lithium for years ... and you are right that you do need to see your doctor and take the meds cause you can only get better with them. 

  

I chose, like you, to challenge the perception of my illness ... back in the early 90's, a local hospital was looking for test subjects for a new med ...  I called and when I went in to do the tests, I was in a full-blown manic ... just the thought that I was taking this BIG step to finding answers and getting top notch medical attention just sent me over. 

  

Long story short, the last part of the tests was meeting with a specialist.  He (1) told me I couldn't participate becuase I wasn't stable and (2) I would know when I had to admit myself.  The last words hit me the hardest. 

  

He said I would know ... up unti then, my doctors were telling me ....   So I went on a crusade to know when I had to admit myself.  Bottom line, I was able to call my doctor to tell them, raise my meds ... I discovered that withdrawing from music with words, TV, etc. for a weekend,  along with meditation and doing visuals and journaling allowed me to understand what set me off and then how to pull myself back.    

  

You are in an okay place.   I'm a firm believer to do the drugs and follow the guidance of a doctor .... and as you slowly learn about yourself and the moods that put you in an unsafe place ... you will get better and better and better.    

  

p.s.  my manics are nearly non-existant now.   Learning cognitive therapy has been the saving grace in my life. 
 
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ritehere
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January 30, 2006, 7:40 am PST

Red, white, and blue,

Quote From: blue_white

Hello again! MY NAME IS Kathy. This is some of "my story."

I have posted on the drphil.com boards for over two years as Blue. As Blue, you know, I usually write rhymes. But in the last few months I have used MORE THAN ONE USERNAME. My thinking here WAS something like different strokes for different folks --or perhaps I was just afraid to be REAL. Its not easy being Blue here.

Just FOR NOW I wanted you to know that Im struggling. It is hard for me to come here and tell you this. I am just coming to grips with a diagnosis of BIPOLAR DISORDER that I have sidestepped for many years. Very recently, I started posting on the Bipolar Disorder Message Board and found support there.

I know, from personal experience, that these boards really help! I need the support I have found here as well. I am afraid of the STIGMA of MENTAL ILLNESS but feel I want to be honest with you folks before I go any further here. Admitting I am mentally ill really doesnt bother me all of a sudden! I know this has nothing to do with my character. Im proud of WHO I AM and WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED in my life generally, and specifically, on these boards. This is just another step forward, I guess.

What gives me problems is taking the medication that has been prescribed! Its like Im GIVING IN! For 10 years I accepted other diagnosis's MAJOR DEPRESSION/ Borderline Personality Disorder/ Post Traumatic Stress etc. etc. LABELS the different doctors stuck on me. I took their drugs. Did the cognitive work... Ya-da-Ya-da!

In the summer of 2003 I lost my medical coverage and WENT OFF MY MEDS, as we say. I was looking for an excuse anyway because medications really didnt help. But the COGNITIVE THERAPY I received worked! So then I started to work on what I could do FOR MYSELF. I read a lot about mental and emotional problems etc. AND ate up SELF HELP books and tapes. Then I found Dr. Phil at the library (Life Strategies) --Started watching the show --Got on the Weight Loss Challenge (WLC) boards. Started my own board here. Lost over 65 pounds! Started another support board here for military families. AND FOUND MY WAY HERE/ WOW! WHAT A LOOK IN THE MIRROR! /

You will notice the NEW profile picture for Blue. Its only temporary for something Im doing on another board. --by the way thats one of the reasons Im explaining all this. I (sort of) FORCED this OUTING of myself because I uploaded this picture recently and I post a lot of places on these boards. Previously I didnt want folks to know much about the person behind the Blue mask.

Anyway... Its really scary for me to be posting this for the WHOLE WORLD to see. But its PAST TIME for me to Get Real! I have posted a version of this on my Shared Diary, so my friends will know --But dont think its necessary on other boards because Its just wont be relevant to those discussions.

This is probably all part of this SELF MATTERS process. For now, my plan is to be at peace with:

1.) MY DECISION to accept the PROFESSIONAL opinion of my doctors and my Therapist.

2.) The reality that I am STRUGGLING and need MORE help then I can get on-my-own. --So I have started taking the proper medication prescribed for Bipolar Disorder. (Lamictal --somewhat similar to lithium) I am also in individual and group therapy and will now see the Psychiatrist every month (formerly it was every 3 months.)

3.) The fact that there are other people and resources that will HELP ME LIVE this NEW chapter. I know this is one safe place. Many of you have faced your "demons here and have survived!

Thanks ahead-of-time for everything! Thanks for listening and standing with me in this struggle! I appreciate your understanding!

Kathy
______________________________________________________

USERNAME red_white
(a.k.a.) Mikes Mom

BETTER known in the drphil.com neighborhood as:
USERNAME blue_white
Blue
 Dear Kathy,
I suspected as much, and I'm so happy for you. It never matters what we think, as long as you have you're own acceptance, approval, and encouragement. Our opinions only carry the importance you attach to them, but the opinion you have of yourself you carry with you everywhere and always.
Our challenges, and how we deal with them, are what makes us the individuals that we are.
Much luck to you in your struggles.
Linda

PS, You'll still grace us with rhyme once in a while?
 
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marcia52
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January 30, 2006, 7:41 am PST

PRACTICE phase is such a BiTcHy place to be!

Yesterday, I became a vegetable ... I mean it ... I just couldn't do anything ...  I haven't journaled in 2 days, I haven't done my bills ....   Last night I had to acknowledge that I'm not there anymore ... it's what I've been waiting for ... the AHA ....   

  

Last night, I had to acknowledge that I'm in the throes of PRACTICE  PRACTICE  PRACTICE  and that means, I'm going to be picking myself up over and over and over again until my new habits become automatic.  And thankfully, this time, instead of focusing on 30 days, I allowed msyelf to go to 45 days.   

  

My chore log shows that the last time I vacuumed my floors was on 12/31 ... I was able to vacuum my floors today -- that's a 30 day cycle ... not bad ... I used to do them once-twice a year.  (I wasn't kidding when I said I a vegetable learning to unroot herself). 

  

I also stopped doing chores on Jan. 10th.   I just reviewed my logs going back to August and there are periods where I show I'm focusing and unfocusing.  I have data now that I can analyze.  I can see what's going on and now do different.   I'm doing so well. 

  

Practice is just so hard .... picking myself up ...  picking myself up .... picking myself up....  I have battling 30-year+ habits.   
 
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marcia52
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January 30, 2006, 7:59 am PST

One way to use the diaries....

When I first started the weight loss challenge back in 11/03, I posted daily to an on-line diary.  Then one day, I decided I wanted to read what I was writing ...  So I copied and pasted all my entries and read them.  I realized that I was able to see a pattern emerging and realized that I had a pattern that showed me I needed to stop and re-evaluate where I was. 

  

Now, I still continue on.   Currently, I have 2 on-line journals ... One I did in September 04 when I finally bought closure to a long time FEAR tape and began to really challenge the family LIFE patterns.  I wanted to write what I was doing and where I was going ... I wanted to see if there was a pattern in my behaviors/thoughts which were built around that FEAR tape ... I soon discovered there was and had to do different. 

  

My 2nd journal is my focus on my current 45-day pattern.  I know that I'm experiencing stuff over and over again.  I know that I'm having accomplishments and that I'm moving forward in leaps and bounds ..... HOWEVER, something isn't quite right ....  I also feel a pattern ... 

  

My weight journal was mostly written about my abuse issues ... work, home, family, me ....    

  

The last 2 have been the most beneficial.  I've written about what I'm currently working on.  Or how I'm feeling Or my acknowledgements.   It's a brief synposis of what's going on with me.  And after I post to the site, I copy and paste them into 1 document. 

  

At the end of this 45-day cycle, I'm going to re-read the WORD document and see if there is a pattern emerging ...  I know I'm feeling something ... I just need to name it. 

  

And, like BLUE, if you want to tell the world about your life experiences and feelings OR you are embarrassed or even ashamed, get yourself a new userid and write with it.  It allows you to be open and free.   Remember, by acknowledging your truth, it sets you free.    

  

And I've been acknowledging for the last 2+ years and been moving steadily forward ever since. 
 
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blue_white
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January 30, 2006, 9:03 am PST

Marcia and Linda --Thank You!


I’m on my way out to see my therapist in a little while, so no “book” or rhyme right now. But --yes! about the rhymes! HOPEFULLY I will/ still!!! / even “on-the-pill!” /

You got it right --ritehere!
RED-WHITE-and-BLUE! That’s why I posted here with the purple italic Kathy. Most posters don’t use HTML code here so I knew if someone CARED they would notice the similarities in the posts. Kind of childlike. But that’s where I am most of the time. It’s comfortable. Growing-up IS NOT COMFORTABLE for me. I’m afraid of losing Blue!

And as for you/ marcia52/ Your “story” really helps Blue!/
I’ve been hearing a lot from others about the difference the proper medication made in their lives. But it is still so hard for me to believe that I WILL BE OK! I have been struggling with this for my whole life. You understand. I really think many of you understand. It’s just so STRANGE to be coming here and to lay myself so bare. It was so much easier to be in denial!

DE NILE! Up to my neck in that familiar “stream” / Life as I knew it --didn’t seem/ So very hard --like this deep hole/ I am fighting NOW FOR MY VERY SOUL! / I don’t plan to write like this --it just comes/ Some times it HELPS --sometimes it BUMS! /

Really must go. I just want you all to know that I appreciate what you have to say. I’m so afraid of rejection and abandonment. I’m in a very difficult spot but I have always been able to reach-out for help --not always in the best direction, however (sex-drugs-rock’n’roll!) lol!

I feel SAFE here and SUPPORTED. I am a VERY TRUSTING person and quite naive for my age and experience. So be it!!! “See” you tonight...thanks again everyone!

You Know Who!
 
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marcia52
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January 30, 2006, 10:41 am PST

Growing up is scary isn't it...

Quote From: blue_white


Im on my way out to see my therapist in a little while, so no book or rhyme right now. But --yes! about the rhymes! HOPEFULLY I will/ still!!! / even on-the-pill! /

You got it right --ritehere!
RED-WHITE-and-BLUE! Thats why I posted here with the purple italic Kathy. Most posters dont use HTML code here so I knew if someone CARED they would notice the similarities in the posts. Kind of childlike. But thats where I am most of the time. Its comfortable. Growing-up IS NOT COMFORTABLE for me. Im afraid of losing Blue!

And as for you/ marcia52/ Your story really helps Blue!/
Ive been hearing a lot from others about the difference the proper medication made in their lives. But it is still so hard for me to believe that I WILL BE OK! I have been struggling with this for my whole life. You understand. I really think many of you understand. Its just so STRANGE to be coming here and to lay myself so bare. It was so much easier to be in denial!

DE NILE! Up to my neck in that familiar stream / Life as I knew it --didnt seem/ So very hard --like this deep hole/ I am fighting NOW FOR MY VERY SOUL! / I dont plan to write like this --it just comes/ Some times it HELPS --sometimes it BUMS! /

Really must go. I just want you all to know that I appreciate what you have to say. Im so afraid of rejection and abandonment. Im in a very difficult spot but I have always been able to reach-out for help --not always in the best direction, however (sex-drugs-rocknroll!) lol!

I feel SAFE here and SUPPORTED. I am a VERY TRUSTING person and quite naive for my age and experience. So be it!!! See you tonight...thanks again everyone!

You Know Who!

Kathy, what I just recently learned is that when we experience a traumatic event as a child, we stop maturing/growing and make life decisions that we live to as adults.  The event doesn't have to be anything major ... it's just something that derails us and we have to figure out on our own how the world works. 

  

What I learned was that even though I may have emotionally shutdown in other areas of my life, I did not stop maturing in others.  I kept thinking I was going to grow up to be a teenager, etc. etc.  However, the truth is, as I connect-the-dots from what is the TRUTH vs what are my lies, I have begun to be an adult. 

  

Oh yeah, you are not going to lose Blue ... just think about it....   as a child you can not do anything but write ... as an adult you can publish, you can explore all the areas of your poetry.    

  

I believe that's what scares the most of all us Bipolars ...  we have gifts that are unique and we fear that we will lose them when we "heal" -- the truth is, as we mature and develop and HEAL, our gifts become clearer and we see how we can use them in our lives ...  I'm not afraid I'm going to lose mine, in fact, I've thought about publishing them ...  I'm just not sure I want to do the work to do it.    

  

I'm rather thinking about writing a novel or something ...  taking my gift to an entire new level. 
 
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leahfran
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January 31, 2006, 8:40 am PST

You go girl!

Quote From: teri_id

Moira,

 

Something I have learned is that a good therapist will listen and guide you to find your own answers.  Quite often we know the appropriate answers for our life's challenges, it just takes saying them outloud to be recognized.  Good job! 

 

It is wonderful that you get to share this gift with your children and grandchildren.  Often we don't go towards our lives confused on purpose...and our children usually figure that out.  Your gratitude shows, and I celebrate it with you!

Teri

Moira you sound great!  Thank you for sharing your story.  I do not know how you  did what you did but I am proud of you for doing it.  I have done some soul searching over the past 30 years myself and still have a way to go, If you can share how you did some the work I'd appreciate it. 

  

Leigh 
 
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enzymbia
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January 31, 2006, 9:42 am PST

I'm BACK - well, for a rant at least...

  

  

Hi all! 

  

I decided that since it's been a few months since I wrote here the last time, I might give you an update. I decided somewhere to STOP hiding online and to STOP runing away from LIFE - and in doing this, I realised that Self Matters was not the tool for me. Self Matters is about your past, and many "bad" things that happened. I realised I have spent YEARS in therapy talking about these things, and that I just wasn't MOVING on... So basically I did a one-eighty turn and decided to focus on here and now and that kind of stuff... 

  

In many ways it has worked out for me very well, in others it hasn't. I am currently not on talking basis with my mother, nor do I live with her. We got into this huge row in mind/end of November about how my mother have/have tried to manipulate me, controll me and threathen me and my bf. We haven't spoken since mid-December. I am currently living with (and off) my bf and others that I know, on the other side of the country. It is an annoying situation to be in, because I am 6 months away from becoming of age, and NOW, all of a SUDDEN everybody (here meaning my mother and social services, etc) decides to tell me that I'm "a child" and need "to be taken care of"... Let me just vent a bit, and please excuse the language. HOW THE F**K CAN THEY SUDDENLY BUTT INTO MY LIFE, TELLING ME ALL THESE THINGS, WHEN FOR FREAKING 4 OR 5 YEARS, NO ONE HAS SAID A S**T?!?!?!?! Explain it to me! How is it that after I moved away from home (August), everyone decides that I am not cabable of taking care of myself, when before that I have handled SCHOOL, MEDICAL CARE, PSYCHIATRIC CARE and INVESTIGATIONS by myself - and at the same time STARTING UP and RUNNING an organization, all these things that I have taken care of since I was 13, WHY IS IT THAT NOW THAT I AM FREAKING 17, 6 MONTHS FROM TURNING 18, IT'S TIME TO TELL ME THAT I'M A "CHILD" AND THAT I NEED "TO BE TAKEN CARE OF!??! ) BS, is all I have to say.  

  

And all the while I "need to be taken care of", NO ONE sees fit to support me (except the friends I move around at, and my bf). How come they cannot help me financially?? My mother has given me NOTHING between November and last week, when she suddenly decided to give me the money that she used that was in reality MINE. And that's probably because I call this one guy that is supposed to look over my finances, my "econom" if you so wish. (Dunno the term in English - sorry)  

  

All social services can offer is to ship me back to my mother's untill I have finished junior college (I got expelled for not showing up - even tough I tried to explain why I wasn't and what was going on when they called me) and/or turned 18. I will not go back up there. I will not go back up to a situation where I have literary NO emotional support, NO friends and NO "allies". I refuse to be put in a home for crazy kids, I refuse to have to spend 6 months in a "new family" or in what I believe to be hell, just to please social services.  

  

  

  

I do understand that the cursing and ranting is far far from adult and mature behaviour. Please do not mistake this for being how I am at all times - right now I am ANGRY and I am HURT and CONFUSED and DISAPPOINTED. 
 
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enzymbia
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January 31, 2006, 9:53 am PST

a little tip

Quote From: blue_white

Hello again! MY NAME IS Kathy. This is some of "my story."

I have posted on the drphil.com boards for over two years as Blue. As Blue, you know, I usually write rhymes. But in the last few months I have used MORE THAN ONE USERNAME. My thinking here WAS something like different strokes for different folks --or perhaps I was just afraid to be REAL. Its not easy being Blue here.

Just FOR NOW I wanted you to know that Im struggling. It is hard for me to come here and tell you this. I am just coming to grips with a diagnosis of BIPOLAR DISORDER that I have sidestepped for many years. Very recently, I started posting on the Bipolar Disorder Message Board and found support there.

I know, from personal experience, that these boards really help! I need the support I have found here as well. I am afraid of the STIGMA of MENTAL ILLNESS but feel I want to be honest with you folks before I go any further here. Admitting I am mentally ill really doesnt bother me all of a sudden! I know this has nothing to do with my character. Im proud of WHO I AM and WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED in my life generally, and specifically, on these boards. This is just another step forward, I guess.

What gives me problems is taking the medication that has been prescribed! Its like Im GIVING IN! For 10 years I accepted other diagnosis's MAJOR DEPRESSION/ Borderline Personality Disorder/ Post Traumatic Stress etc. etc. LABELS the different doctors stuck on me. I took their drugs. Did the cognitive work... Ya-da-Ya-da!

In the summer of 2003 I lost my medical coverage and WENT OFF MY MEDS, as we say. I was looking for an excuse anyway because medications really didnt help. But the COGNITIVE THERAPY I received worked! So then I started to work on what I could do FOR MYSELF. I read a lot about mental and emotional problems etc. AND ate up SELF HELP books and tapes. Then I found Dr. Phil at the library (Life Strategies) --Started watching the show --Got on the Weight Loss Challenge (WLC) boards. Started my own board here. Lost over 65 pounds! Started another support board here for military families. AND FOUND MY WAY HERE/ WOW! WHAT A LOOK IN THE MIRROR! /

You will notice the NEW profile picture for Blue. Its only temporary for something Im doing on another board. --by the way thats one of the reasons Im explaining all this. I (sort of) FORCED this OUTING of myself because I uploaded this picture recently and I post a lot of places on these boards. Previously I didnt want folks to know much about the person behind the Blue mask.

Anyway... Its really scary for me to be posting this for the WHOLE WORLD to see. But its PAST TIME for me to Get Real! I have posted a version of this on my Shared Diary, so my friends will know --But dont think its necessary on other boards because Its just wont be relevant to those discussions.

This is probably all part of this SELF MATTERS process. For now, my plan is to be at peace with:

1.) MY DECISION to accept the PROFESSIONAL opinion of my doctors and my Therapist.

2.) The reality that I am STRUGGLING and need MORE help then I can get on-my-own. --So I have started taking the proper medication prescribed for Bipolar Disorder. (Lamictal --somewhat similar to lithium) I am also in individual and group therapy and will now see the Psychiatrist every month (formerly it was every 3 months.)

3.) The fact that there are other people and resources that will HELP ME LIVE this NEW chapter. I know this is one safe place. Many of you have faced your "demons here and have survived!

Thanks ahead-of-time for everything! Thanks for listening and standing with me in this struggle! I appreciate your understanding!

Kathy
______________________________________________________

USERNAME red_white
(a.k.a.) Mikes Mom

BETTER known in the drphil.com neighborhood as:
USERNAME blue_white
Blue

  

If you haven't found www.walkers.org, I strongly recomend it. I am diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, but found Walkers (a bipolar forum/chat room) when I was 14 and thought I was borderline. The people there have helped me greatly through the years.  

  

Cheers, 

Sanna-Terocia. 
 
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marcia52
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January 31, 2006, 1:38 pm PST

Welcome back....

Quote From: enzymbia

  

  

Hi all! 

  

I decided that since it's been a few months since I wrote here the last time, I might give you an update. I decided somewhere to STOP hiding online and to STOP runing away from LIFE - and in doing this, I realised that Self Matters was not the tool for me. Self Matters is about your past, and many "bad" things that happened. I realised I have spent YEARS in therapy talking about these things, and that I just wasn't MOVING on... So basically I did a one-eighty turn and decided to focus on here and now and that kind of stuff... 

  

In many ways it has worked out for me very well, in others it hasn't. I am currently not on talking basis with my mother, nor do I live with her. We got into this huge row in mind/end of November about how my mother have/have tried to manipulate me, controll me and threathen me and my bf. We haven't spoken since mid-December. I am currently living with (and off) my bf and others that I know, on the other side of the country. It is an annoying situation to be in, because I am 6 months away from becoming of age, and NOW, all of a SUDDEN everybody (here meaning my mother and social services, etc) decides to tell me that I'm "a child" and need "to be taken care of"... Let me just vent a bit, and please excuse the language. HOW THE F**K CAN THEY SUDDENLY BUTT INTO MY LIFE, TELLING ME ALL THESE THINGS, WHEN FOR FREAKING 4 OR 5 YEARS, NO ONE HAS SAID A S**T?!?!?!?! Explain it to me! How is it that after I moved away from home (August), everyone decides that I am not cabable of taking care of myself, when before that I have handled SCHOOL, MEDICAL CARE, PSYCHIATRIC CARE and INVESTIGATIONS by myself - and at the same time STARTING UP and RUNNING an organization, all these things that I have taken care of since I was 13, WHY IS IT THAT NOW THAT I AM FREAKING 17, 6 MONTHS FROM TURNING 18, IT'S TIME TO TELL ME THAT I'M A "CHILD" AND THAT I NEED "TO BE TAKEN CARE OF!??! ) BS, is all I have to say.  

  

And all the while I "need to be taken care of", NO ONE sees fit to support me (except the friends I move around at, and my bf). How come they cannot help me financially?? My mother has given me NOTHING between November and last week, when she suddenly decided to give me the money that she used that was in reality MINE. And that's probably because I call this one guy that is supposed to look over my finances, my "econom" if you so wish. (Dunno the term in English - sorry)  

  

All social services can offer is to ship me back to my mother's untill I have finished junior college (I got expelled for not showing up - even tough I tried to explain why I wasn't and what was going on when they called me) and/or turned 18. I will not go back up there. I will not go back up to a situation where I have literary NO emotional support, NO friends and NO "allies". I refuse to be put in a home for crazy kids, I refuse to have to spend 6 months in a "new family" or in what I believe to be hell, just to please social services.  

  

  

  

I do understand that the cursing and ranting is far far from adult and mature behaviour. Please do not mistake this for being how I am at all times - right now I am ANGRY and I am HURT and CONFUSED and DISAPPOINTED. 

Sounds a little like what was going on with me at work ...  I just couldn't figure out why my supervisor & friend continued to treat me as a moron while the folks I work with on teams and with upper management treated me as an equal.  I finally figured out that I had to do what I needed to do to survive - and when the opportunity arose for me to take an early retirement, I grabbed it! 

  

You are angry and bitter and confused ...  and until you turn 18, you are a child.  If the U.S. a child can go to court and become an adult ...  however, they have to show they are an adult. 

  

Remember, that the anger that is feeding you is going to run over you and take you places where you don't want to go.   Deal with the anger - cause that's what they want .. keeping a person in anger/pain keeps that person angry because that person will continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. 

  

To win over the situation means to deal with the anger so that you free up the mental self-talk and tapes you have written so you can DO DIFFERENT ...  it sounds crazy but it really does work.  I actually was able to do things and make changes in my work life that allowed me to win over them - they thought they won; however, I always got what I wanted ...   
 
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