Message Boards
Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self
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January 31, 2006, 8:40 am PST
 Quote From: teri_id Moira,
Something I have learned is that a good therapist will listen and guide you to find your own answers. Quite often we know the appropriate answers for our life's challenges, it just takes saying them outloud to be recognized. Good job!
It is wonderful that you get to share this gift with your children and grandchildren. Often we don't go towards our lives confused on purpose...and our children usually figure that out. Your gratitude shows, and I celebrate it with you! Teri Moira you sound great! Thank you for sharing your story. I do not know how you did what you did but I am proud of you for doing it. I have done some soul searching over the past 30 years myself and still have a way to go, If you can share how you did some the work I'd appreciate it.
Leigh |
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January 31, 2006, 9:42 am PST
Hi all!
I decided that since it's been a few months since I wrote here the last time, I might give you an update. I decided somewhere to STOP hiding online and to STOP runing away from LIFE - and in doing this, I realised that Self Matters was not the tool for me. Self Matters is about your past, and many "bad" things that happened. I realised I have spent YEARS in therapy talking about these things, and that I just wasn't MOVING on... So basically I did a one-eighty turn and decided to focus on here and now and that kind of stuff...
In many ways it has worked out for me very well, in others it hasn't. I am currently not on talking basis with my mother, nor do I live with her. We got into this huge row in mind/end of November about how my mother have/have tried to manipulate me, controll me and threathen me and my bf. We haven't spoken since mid-December. I am currently living with (and off) my bf and others that I know, on the other side of the country. It is an annoying situation to be in, because I am 6 months away from becoming of age, and NOW, all of a SUDDEN everybody (here meaning my mother and social services, etc) decides to tell me that I'm "a child" and need "to be taken care of"... Let me just vent a bit, and please excuse the language. HOW THE F**K CAN THEY SUDDENLY BUTT INTO MY LIFE, TELLING ME ALL THESE THINGS, WHEN FOR FREAKING 4 OR 5 YEARS, NO ONE HAS SAID A S**T?!?!?!?! Explain it to me! How is it that after I moved away from home (August), everyone decides that I am not cabable of taking care of myself, when before that I have handled SCHOOL, MEDICAL CARE, PSYCHIATRIC CARE and INVESTIGATIONS by myself - and at the same time STARTING UP and RUNNING an organization, all these things that I have taken care of since I was 13, WHY IS IT THAT NOW THAT I AM FREAKING 17, 6 MONTHS FROM TURNING 18, IT'S TIME TO TELL ME THAT I'M A "CHILD" AND THAT I NEED "TO BE TAKEN CARE OF!??! ) BS, is all I have to say.
And all the while I "need to be taken care of", NO ONE sees fit to support me (except the friends I move around at, and my bf). How come they cannot help me financially?? My mother has given me NOTHING between November and last week, when she suddenly decided to give me the money that she used that was in reality MINE. And that's probably because I call this one guy that is supposed to look over my finances, my "econom" if you so wish. (Dunno the term in English - sorry)
All social services can offer is to ship me back to my mother's untill I have finished junior college (I got expelled for not showing up - even tough I tried to explain why I wasn't and what was going on when they called me) and/or turned 18. I will not go back up there. I will not go back up to a situation where I have literary NO emotional support, NO friends and NO "allies". I refuse to be put in a home for crazy kids, I refuse to have to spend 6 months in a "new family" or in what I believe to be hell, just to please social services.
I do understand that the cursing and ranting is far far from adult and mature behaviour. Please do not mistake this for being how I am at all times - right now I am ANGRY and I am HURT and CONFUSED and DISAPPOINTED. |
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January 31, 2006, 9:53 am PST
Quote From: blue_white Hello again! MY NAME IS Kathy. This is some of "my story." I have posted on the drphil.com boards for over two years as Blue. As Blue, you know, I usually write rhymes. But in the last few months I have used MORE THAN ONE USERNAME. My thinking here WAS something like different strokes for different folks --or perhaps I was just afraid to be REAL. Its not easy being Blue here. Just FOR NOW I wanted you to know that Im struggling. It is hard for me to come here and tell you this. I am just coming to grips with a diagnosis of BIPOLAR DISORDER that I have sidestepped for many years. Very recently, I started posting on the Bipolar Disorder Message Board and found support there. I know, from personal experience, that these boards really help! I need the support I have found here as well. I am afraid of the STIGMA of MENTAL ILLNESS but feel I want to be honest with you folks before I go any further here. Admitting I am mentally ill really doesnt bother me all of a sudden! I know this has nothing to do with my character. Im proud of WHO I AM and WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED in my life generally, and specifically, on these boards. This is just another step forward, I guess. What gives me problems is taking the medication that has been prescribed! Its like Im GIVING IN! For 10 years I accepted other diagnosis's MAJOR DEPRESSION/ Borderline Personality Disorder/ Post Traumatic Stress etc. etc. LABELS the different doctors stuck on me. I took their drugs. Did the cognitive work... Ya-da-Ya-da! In the summer of 2003 I lost my medical coverage and WENT OFF MY MEDS, as we say. I was looking for an excuse anyway because medications really didnt help. But the COGNITIVE THERAPY I received worked! So then I started to work on what I could do FOR MYSELF. I read a lot about mental and emotional problems etc. AND ate up SELF HELP books and tapes. Then I found Dr. Phil at the library (Life Strategies) --Started watching the show --Got on the Weight Loss Challenge (WLC) boards. Started my own board here. Lost over 65 pounds! Started another support board here for military families. AND FOUND MY WAY HERE/ WOW! WHAT A LOOK IN THE MIRROR! / You will notice the NEW profile picture for Blue. Its only temporary for something Im doing on another board. --by the way thats one of the reasons Im explaining all this. I (sort of) FORCED this OUTING of myself because I uploaded this picture recently and I post a lot of places on these boards. Previously I didnt want folks to know much about the person behind the Blue mask. Anyway... Its really scary for me to be posting this for the WHOLE WORLD to see. But its PAST TIME for me to Get Real! I have posted a version of this on my Shared Diary, so my friends will know --But dont think its necessary on other boards because Its just wont be relevant to those discussions. This is probably all part of this SELF MATTERS process. For now, my plan is to be at peace with: 1.) MY DECISION to accept the PROFESSIONAL opinion of my doctors and my Therapist. 2.) The reality that I am STRUGGLING and need MORE help then I can get on-my-own. --So I have started taking the proper medication prescribed for Bipolar Disorder. (Lamictal --somewhat similar to lithium) I am also in individual and group therapy and will now see the Psychiatrist every month (formerly it was every 3 months.) 3.) The fact that there are other people and resources that will HELP ME LIVE this NEW chapter. I know this is one safe place. Many of you have faced your "demons here and have survived! Thanks ahead-of-time for everything! Thanks for listening and standing with me in this struggle! I appreciate your understanding! Kathy ______________________________________________________ USERNAME red_white (a.k.a.) Mikes Mom BETTER known in the drphil.com neighborhood as: USERNAME blue_white Blue
If you haven't found www.walkers.org, I strongly recomend it. I am diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, but found Walkers (a bipolar forum/chat room) when I was 14 and thought I was borderline. The people there have helped me greatly through the years.
Cheers, Sanna-Terocia. |
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January 31, 2006, 1:38 pm PST
Quote From: enzymbia
Hi all!
I decided that since it's been a few months since I wrote here the last time, I might give you an update. I decided somewhere to STOP hiding online and to STOP runing away from LIFE - and in doing this, I realised that Self Matters was not the tool for me. Self Matters is about your past, and many "bad" things that happened. I realised I have spent YEARS in therapy talking about these things, and that I just wasn't MOVING on... So basically I did a one-eighty turn and decided to focus on here and now and that kind of stuff...
In many ways it has worked out for me very well, in others it hasn't. I am currently not on talking basis with my mother, nor do I live with her. We got into this huge row in mind/end of November about how my mother have/have tried to manipulate me, controll me and threathen me and my bf. We haven't spoken since mid-December. I am currently living with (and off) my bf and others that I know, on the other side of the country. It is an annoying situation to be in, because I am 6 months away from becoming of age, and NOW, all of a SUDDEN everybody (here meaning my mother and social services, etc) decides to tell me that I'm "a child" and need "to be taken care of"... Let me just vent a bit, and please excuse the language. HOW THE F**K CAN THEY SUDDENLY BUTT INTO MY LIFE, TELLING ME ALL THESE THINGS, WHEN FOR FREAKING 4 OR 5 YEARS, NO ONE HAS SAID A S**T?!?!?!?! Explain it to me! How is it that after I moved away from home (August), everyone decides that I am not cabable of taking care of myself, when before that I have handled SCHOOL, MEDICAL CARE, PSYCHIATRIC CARE and INVESTIGATIONS by myself - and at the same time STARTING UP and RUNNING an organization, all these things that I have taken care of since I was 13, WHY IS IT THAT NOW THAT I AM FREAKING 17, 6 MONTHS FROM TURNING 18, IT'S TIME TO TELL ME THAT I'M A "CHILD" AND THAT I NEED "TO BE TAKEN CARE OF!??! ) BS, is all I have to say.
And all the while I "need to be taken care of", NO ONE sees fit to support me (except the friends I move around at, and my bf). How come they cannot help me financially?? My mother has given me NOTHING between November and last week, when she suddenly decided to give me the money that she used that was in reality MINE. And that's probably because I call this one guy that is supposed to look over my finances, my "econom" if you so wish. (Dunno the term in English - sorry)
All social services can offer is to ship me back to my mother's untill I have finished junior college (I got expelled for not showing up - even tough I tried to explain why I wasn't and what was going on when they called me) and/or turned 18. I will not go back up there. I will not go back up to a situation where I have literary NO emotional support, NO friends and NO "allies". I refuse to be put in a home for crazy kids, I refuse to have to spend 6 months in a "new family" or in what I believe to be hell, just to please social services.
I do understand that the cursing and ranting is far far from adult and mature behaviour. Please do not mistake this for being how I am at all times - right now I am ANGRY and I am HURT and CONFUSED and DISAPPOINTED. Sounds a little like what was going on with me at work ... I just couldn't figure out why my supervisor & friend continued to treat me as a moron while the folks I work with on teams and with upper management treated me as an equal. I finally figured out that I had to do what I needed to do to survive - and when the opportunity arose for me to take an early retirement, I grabbed it!
You are angry and bitter and confused ... and until you turn 18, you are a child. If the U.S. a child can go to court and become an adult ... however, they have to show they are an adult.
Remember, that the anger that is feeding you is going to run over you and take you places where you don't want to go. Deal with the anger - cause that's what they want .. keeping a person in anger/pain keeps that person angry because that person will continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
To win over the situation means to deal with the anger so that you free up the mental self-talk and tapes you have written so you can DO DIFFERENT ... it sounds crazy but it really does work. I actually was able to do things and make changes in my work life that allowed me to win over them - they thought they won; however, I always got what I wanted ... |
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January 31, 2006, 1:45 pm PST
I've been really scared since I cut out the job fair ad out of the paper. I've been telling myself over and over again how safe I am. That I am okay. I feel like a loser .. I know better ... it's just my old old tapes running amok ... Just old habits that I've written over the years and live to without ever knowing they are playing.
I slept thru the alarm this morning, had to read my emails on yahoo, and then fiddled around before I finally took my shower and got dressed. then I lost the ad in my car and couldn't find ... found it ... parked my car and walked in ... I was like the youngest person in the room (they are looking for 50+ folks) ...
I put in for 3 jobs and they have a real part-time job available too. I'm going to send my resume in ... just as soon as I put one together ... and of course, I'm just not doing it.
It's just so hard dealing with habits isn't it? I've done so much work on myself, I really felt I had taken major steps in my life and here I am shaking in my boots ... what if I'm too overly qualified ... what if I don't qualify ... what if ...
I really got damaged working .... I have little or no self-confidence ... I feel ... like I'm worthless again. It's just a habit ... I'm just glad that I can see it for what it is cause I'm picking myself up and doing it. It's hard, it feels awful .. I wasn't able to eat for hours today ... I'm not sure I want to eat ...
It's not as bad as last May or August ... I know what is happening and I'm writing new tapes / new memories ... I will focus tonite when I go to bed on how well I did today! I am rather proud of me.
One day, I will laugh at me now. I know it ... it gives me strength. |
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January 31, 2006, 4:02 pm PST
Quote From: marcia52 I've been really scared since I cut out the job fair ad out of the paper. I've been telling myself over and over again how safe I am. That I am okay. I feel like a loser .. I know better ... it's just my old old tapes running amok ... Just old habits that I've written over the years and live to without ever knowing they are playing.
I slept thru the alarm this morning, had to read my emails on yahoo, and then fiddled around before I finally took my shower and got dressed. then I lost the ad in my car and couldn't find ... found it ... parked my car and walked in ... I was like the youngest person in the room (they are looking for 50+ folks) ...
I put in for 3 jobs and they have a real part-time job available too. I'm going to send my resume in ... just as soon as I put one together ... and of course, I'm just not doing it.
It's just so hard dealing with habits isn't it? I've done so much work on myself, I really felt I had taken major steps in my life and here I am shaking in my boots ... what if I'm too overly qualified ... what if I don't qualify ... what if ...
I really got damaged working .... I have little or no self-confidence ... I feel ... like I'm worthless again. It's just a habit ... I'm just glad that I can see it for what it is cause I'm picking myself up and doing it. It's hard, it feels awful .. I wasn't able to eat for hours today ... I'm not sure I want to eat ...
It's not as bad as last May or August ... I know what is happening and I'm writing new tapes / new memories ... I will focus tonite when I go to bed on how well I did today! I am rather proud of me.
One day, I will laugh at me now. I know it ... it gives me strength. Take it easy on yourself. I am reading the progress your making and now you know that it's the old tapes. Yep their going to pop up, but just keep popping them baCK DOWN.
Just keep telling yourself that YOUR Worth it.
R |
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January 31, 2006, 4:45 pm PST
Quote From: renagade Take it easy on yourself. I am reading the progress your making and now you know that it's the old tapes. Yep their going to pop up, but just keep popping them baCK DOWN.
Just keep telling yourself that YOUR Worth it.
R You know, I'm just so tired of dealing with these tapes ... at least I know what's going on and tonite, I'm going to lay in bed and do a visual to help me to reprogram the tapes ... I know that I've come so far in such a short time compared to the 14+ years it took me to get to NOW.
I'm going to work on my resume for a Helpdesk Support Specialist position. It's been a long time since I've actually performed those duties ... they outsourced those duties and it's been over 10 years since I was allowed to do those duties. However, I enjoyed doing it and it is a part-time job in the neighborhood.
It's a good thing I do understand where I'm at. Knowing it and posting it on-site allows me to show that it's scary and hard. Yet, I'm still taking those tiny wee little steps forward ... I feel like I'm crawling.
Thanks again for your support. |
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February 1, 2006, 6:50 am PST
Quote From: chickadee_ My True Authentic Self Buried deep inside me is my true authentic self. “I feel when you're not happy, you know it hurts me too?” I grabbed my self up off the couch and looked into her soul. Feeling sorry for my self I stroked her soft and smooth. She jumped upon my tired legs and put herself in place. “Hear my words and heed them dear, right 'til the very end. “The lines from laughter as a child, a Mother and a wife, “The key to life is “make your self feel good when you don't want to.” “You must learn to celebrate, your work here is not done. I told my self, “You are so wise, I really needed this talk.” “Put your hand against the glass, with mine as its reflection. I examined her much closer now, and saw my inner beauty. “Don't miss a chance to see your self when going past this mirror. “That's great advice,” I told her “and I think I'm going to take it. She jumped up in my folded arms just like a little elf. How do I look at life these days and celebrate my changes. Embrace your self my sisters, accept just who you are.
Andria Donnelly copyright june 2005 Thank you for posting this poem. It moved me as it has moved so many others. Thank you. I needed that! Teri |
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February 1, 2006, 7:04 am PST
Quote From: blue_white Hello again! MY NAME IS Kathy. This is some of "my story." I have posted on the drphil.com boards for over two years as Blue. As Blue, you know, I usually write rhymes. But in the last few months I have used MORE THAN ONE USERNAME. My thinking here WAS something like different strokes for different folks --or perhaps I was just afraid to be REAL. Its not easy being Blue here. Just FOR NOW I wanted you to know that Im struggling. It is hard for me to come here and tell you this. I am just coming to grips with a diagnosis of BIPOLAR DISORDER that I have sidestepped for many years. Very recently, I started posting on the Bipolar Disorder Message Board and found support there. I know, from personal experience, that these boards really help! I need the support I have found here as well. I am afraid of the STIGMA of MENTAL ILLNESS but feel I want to be honest with you folks before I go any further here. Admitting I am mentally ill really doesnt bother me all of a sudden! I know this has nothing to do with my character. Im proud of WHO I AM and WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED in my life generally, and specifically, on these boards. This is just another step forward, I guess. What gives me problems is taking the medication that has been prescribed! Its like Im GIVING IN! For 10 years I accepted other diagnosis's MAJOR DEPRESSION/ Borderline Personality Disorder/ Post Traumatic Stress etc. etc. LABELS the different doctors stuck on me. I took their drugs. Did the cognitive work... Ya-da-Ya-da! In the summer of 2003 I lost my medical coverage and WENT OFF MY MEDS, as we say. I was looking for an excuse anyway because medications really didnt help. But the COGNITIVE THERAPY I received worked! So then I started to work on what I could do FOR MYSELF. I read a lot about mental and emotional problems etc. AND ate up SELF HELP books and tapes. Then I found Dr. Phil at the library (Life Strategies) --Started watching the show --Got on the Weight Loss Challenge (WLC) boards. Started my own board here. Lost over 65 pounds! Started another support board here for military families. AND FOUND MY WAY HERE/ WOW! WHAT A LOOK IN THE MIRROR! / You will notice the NEW profile picture for Blue. Its only temporary for something Im doing on another board. --by the way thats one of the reasons Im explaining all this. I (sort of) FORCED this OUTING of myself because I uploaded this picture recently and I post a lot of places on these boards. Previously I didnt want folks to know much about the person behind the Blue mask. Anyway... Its really scary for me to be posting this for the WHOLE WORLD to see. But its PAST TIME for me to Get Real! I have posted a version of this on my Shared Diary, so my friends will know --But dont think its necessary on other boards because Its just wont be relevant to those discussions. This is probably all part of this SELF MATTERS process. For now, my plan is to be at peace with: 1.) MY DECISION to accept the PROFESSIONAL opinion of my doctors and my Therapist. 2.) The reality that I am STRUGGLING and need MORE help then I can get on-my-own. --So I have started taking the proper medication prescribed for Bipolar Disorder. (Lamictal --somewhat similar to lithium) I am also in individual and group therapy and will now see the Psychiatrist every month (formerly it was every 3 months.) 3.) The fact that there are other people and resources that will HELP ME LIVE this NEW chapter. I know this is one safe place. Many of you have faced your "demons here and have survived! Thanks ahead-of-time for everything! Thanks for listening and standing with me in this struggle! I appreciate your understanding! Kathy ______________________________________________________ USERNAME red_white (a.k.a.) Mikes Mom BETTER known in the drphil.com neighborhood as: USERNAME blue_white Blue Kathy,
It is good to get a glimpse of who the person is behind the persona, if you will.
There are so many here facing demons and surviving. I admire everyone here. I pray I have the strength to do what I see so many others doing...get real with myself. It can be hard, it can be frightening, yet it is not impossible.
Take care Kathy. Teri |
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February 1, 2006, 7:49 am PST
Quote From: enzymbia
Hi all!
I decided that since it's been a few months since I wrote here the last time, I might give you an update. I decided somewhere to STOP hiding online and to STOP runing away from LIFE - and in doing this, I realised that Self Matters was not the tool for me. Self Matters is about your past, and many "bad" things that happened. I realised I have spent YEARS in therapy talking about these things, and that I just wasn't MOVING on... So basically I did a one-eighty turn and decided to focus on here and now and that kind of stuff...
In many ways it has worked out for me very well, in others it hasn't. I am currently not on talking basis with my mother, nor do I live with her. We got into this huge row in mind/end of November about how my mother have/have tried to manipulate me, controll me and threathen me and my bf. We haven't spoken since mid-December. I am currently living with (and off) my bf and others that I know, on the other side of the country. It is an annoying situation to be in, because I am 6 months away from becoming of age, and NOW, all of a SUDDEN everybody (here meaning my mother and social services, etc) decides to tell me that I'm "a child" and need "to be taken care of"... Let me just vent a bit, and please excuse the language. HOW THE F**K CAN THEY SUDDENLY BUTT INTO MY LIFE, TELLING ME ALL THESE THINGS, WHEN FOR FREAKING 4 OR 5 YEARS, NO ONE HAS SAID A S**T?!?!?!?! Explain it to me! How is it that after I moved away from home (August), everyone decides that I am not cabable of taking care of myself, when before that I have handled SCHOOL, MEDICAL CARE, PSYCHIATRIC CARE and INVESTIGATIONS by myself - and at the same time STARTING UP and RUNNING an organization, all these things that I have taken care of since I was 13, WHY IS IT THAT NOW THAT I AM FREAKING 17, 6 MONTHS FROM TURNING 18, IT'S TIME TO TELL ME THAT I'M A "CHILD" AND THAT I NEED "TO BE TAKEN CARE OF!??! ) BS, is all I have to say.
And all the while I "need to be taken care of", NO ONE sees fit to support me (except the friends I move around at, and my bf). How come they cannot help me financially?? My mother has given me NOTHING between November and last week, when she suddenly decided to give me the money that she used that was in reality MINE. And that's probably because I call this one guy that is supposed to look over my finances, my "econom" if you so wish. (Dunno the term in English - sorry)
All social services can offer is to ship me back to my mother's untill I have finished junior college (I got expelled for not showing up - even tough I tried to explain why I wasn't and what was going on when they called me) and/or turned 18. I will not go back up there. I will not go back up to a situation where I have literary NO emotional support, NO friends and NO "allies". I refuse to be put in a home for crazy kids, I refuse to have to spend 6 months in a "new family" or in what I believe to be hell, just to please social services.
I do understand that the cursing and ranting is far far from adult and mature behaviour. Please do not mistake this for being how I am at all times - right now I am ANGRY and I am HURT and CONFUSED and DISAPPOINTED. I was thinking about you yesterday, and here you are! I'm sorry to hear that things are still on the rough side for you. It occurs to me that possibly the social services need you to be established at an address? This sounds really insensitive I know, but even though social services pays for your counseling and possibly some other things, that money comes from taxpayers and goes through a government agency, which means there's all kinds of red tape and documentation behind it. It all comes down to the distribution of money, you see, and since you are considered a minor, you need a permanant address on their records, supervised by a "responsible" adult, in order for them to disburse funds in your behalf. That's why everybody's hounding you about either going home, or going into some other "approved" facility. This is the way it is here, and from what you say, it sounds similar there. Would it be the end of the world for you to move back for the 6 months remaining of your "childhood?" I know it will be difficult because you are so independant and used to living on your own, but it sounds like the choice comes down to either that, or giving up your counseling and aid programs. You mention that your mother is manipulative and you and she don't get along. Is there verbal or physical abuse as well? Is it possible to arrange something with another family member? I know this is hard for you, but sometimes we have to comply with the rules of society in order to use the benefits that society conveys to us. There are always options within those rules however. Gather as much information as you can. And take care, you are a very courageous and intelligent young lady. |
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