Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Defining Your Authentic Self

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February 2, 2006, 8:41 pm PST

Thanks to all of you for your replies and kind thoughts!

Quote From: teri_id

Kathy,

It is good to get a glimpse of who the person is behind the persona, if you will.

There are so many here facing demons and surviving. I admire everyone here. I pray I have the strength to do what I see so many others doing...get real with myself. It can be hard, it can be frightening, yet it is not impossible.

Take care Kathy.

Teri

“Good to get a glimpse...”
That’s really all you know
About the folks who stand behind
“Faces” that don’t show!

Sometimes we put up such a front
For this world to see
That when we finally look in the mirror
It was hard to see THE--ME!

Blue

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cmdwalk1

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February 3, 2006, 7:09 am PST

Help with your defining moments

I am on chapter 4 of Self Matters and am having trouble with defining moments. My mother dropped me off at an orphanage at age 4, I know that was a defining moment., because she never brought me back home again. (although my brother and sister went back home). Went with foster parents and were mis treated. There were many defining moments there as well. How are you suppose to pick the 10 defining moements? There are so many incidents in my young life I remember, even though I had no parents to tell me. Do you write down all of these and describe them?

Do you have 10 regardless whether you are 21 or 51? And do they change?

I appreciate any one's help

cmdwalk

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ritehere

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February 3, 2006, 9:10 am PST

Defining moments

Quote From: cmdwalk1

I am on chapter 4 of Self Matters and am having trouble with defining moments. My mother dropped me off at an orphanage at age 4, I know that was a defining moment., because she never brought me back home again. (although my brother and sister went back home). Went with foster parents and were mis treated. There were many defining moments there as well. How are you suppose to pick the 10 defining moements? There are so many incidents in my young life I remember, even though I had no parents to tell me. Do you write down all of these and describe them?

Do you have 10 regardless whether you are 21 or 51? And do they change?

I appreciate any one's help

cmdwalk

There can be many incidents that have a profound effect on you, but some only "underline" a feeling or outlook that was created at another, earlier time. For instance, if you had a critical parent that you could never please, at some point they might have instilled in you a self-concept of ineptness. Perhaps when you went to school you made a social faux pas that everyone around you found funny and laughed at, then as quickly forgot about. But it lived on in your memory, and you burn with shame to this day. At the time maybe you thought, "I'm so stupid, why can't I be like others?" It was not the incident that caused you to change your self-concept, that incident happened at some point with your parents, but this one certainly underlined it, and maybe made you feel that you are unworthy, not only in the eyes of your parents, but everyone else too.
Sometimes we can't remember the original moment that our self concept changed, maybe we were very young. It's OK to use the later one, as long as you realize the difference between them, and where the self-concept was likely to have originated. Does this make sense?

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ritehere

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February 3, 2006, 9:16 am PST

The other question...

Quote From: cmdwalk1

I am on chapter 4 of Self Matters and am having trouble with defining moments. My mother dropped me off at an orphanage at age 4, I know that was a defining moment., because she never brought me back home again. (although my brother and sister went back home). Went with foster parents and were mis treated. There were many defining moments there as well. How are you suppose to pick the 10 defining moements? There are so many incidents in my young life I remember, even though I had no parents to tell me. Do you write down all of these and describe them?

Do you have 10 regardless whether you are 21 or 51? And do they change?

I appreciate any one's help

cmdwalk

As to "10" moments, it varies for each person. I think Dr Phil chooses this number because so many incidents are of the "underlining" variety. He wants you to find that moment when you became less than you were before, so you can eradicate it later. If you have to limit the moments to 10, you are more likely to dig for the original, damaging defining moment.
But bear in mind, there are positive defining moments too, I had one in chapter 5. Now I look for postives everywhere, and I find them.

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cmdwalk1

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February 3, 2006, 10:03 am PST

Defining Your Authentic Self

Quote From: ritehere

There can be many incidents that have a profound effect on you, but some only "underline" a feeling or outlook that was created at another, earlier time. For instance, if you had a critical parent that you could never please, at some point they might have instilled in you a self-concept of ineptness. Perhaps when you went to school you made a social faux pas that everyone around you found funny and laughed at, then as quickly forgot about. But it lived on in your memory, and you burn with shame to this day. At the time maybe you thought, "I'm so stupid, why can't I be like others?" It was not the incident that caused you to change your self-concept, that incident happened at some point with your parents, but this one certainly underlined it, and maybe made you feel that you are unworthy, not only in the eyes of your parents, but everyone else too.
Sometimes we can't remember the original moment that our self concept changed, maybe we were very young. It's OK to use the later one, as long as you realize the difference between them, and where the self-concept was likely to have originated. Does this make sense?

Thank you and you did help. Before I go on a writting marathon, I will think of each incident and ask if it has created a change in the self concept. I certainly was too young too really understand how I felt before my mother dropped me off, but the memory still haunts me today. I still remember her walking me, my brother and sister thru a wooded area behind the orphange and I cried all night when she left. I am now 51, so that incident still comes up in my mind every once in a while. When I revisit that time, it makes me feel so sad to the point I want to cry. And how about she never came to visit after a while. Would that too be defining or could that be lumped into all in one. I did not feel worthy of her and my father (an alcholic) working hard to keep me and my family together. Maybe that would be all together . As a result, the final outcome, is that I married someone who is a hard worker, a family man and who does not drink. It does get very confusing. Would it be the incident entirly (all 7 yrs that I was in the home), defined the fact that I will not let my children be in an orphange and I have lived up to that. (I am lucky enough to have 3 wonderful children and a terrific husband) This is very confusing or am I making this harder than what it is. I really want to work on this and get this all behind me for once in my life.

cmdwalk

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busteroni

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February 3, 2006, 11:39 am PST

abuser

I was very unkind to a beautiful human being. and now it is over. Why did I do that I know I have not like myself never have There is a death of a marriage that I am grieving now. Wanting it back but it

will not happen, I know I have to go forward. I want to stop hating myself but how do I start while going through this grief. I still walk around here in circles like a caged animal. I can't get started on any project. I can't work . I am the cause of this grief because of this hatred. I knew many years ago

in this marriage he would find somebody better and I introduce them. And see it is not about him, yet that is where my brain goes to. I can't seem to make myself think of me. because I am the evil one, not the victim

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marcia52

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February 3, 2006, 3:50 pm PST

Kathy, I'm 53 ....

Quote From: blue_white

Your messages are so helpful. It means a lot to hear your story about being Bipolar. How are things now?

Yes, there are distant advantages to being an adult, its true. With the adult privileges, however, come adult RESPONSIBILITIES! Thats where things get complicated for me.

When youre younger, your hopes and dreams stretch out before you. As you get older, the hope begins to fade as dreams give way to the reality of living. I dont want to be in THAT PLACE in my life... EVER! I am a dreamer! But I also must acknowledge that TIME IS NOT MY FRIEND. Perhaps its time to grow up!

Ill be 60 in Spring. I think I mentioned that before. Ill be 60 no matter what I do. Then Ill be 61, etc. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN I GROW-UP? Its like the teen-aged struggle all over again, but at a different level. Im starting to be concerned about what kind of a legacy I going to leave behind? SELF ACTUALIZATION thoughts, I guess...

Oh no! / Maslow! / Wouldnt you know? / Not back to that! / Time to quit and go put out the cat!!! / Blue

a.k.a. Kathy

This is my 53rd Year of Living ... since I began saying it this way, I have come to deal with my age so much better. I actually like Maslow ... I find it easier to name what it is I'm feeling than to run away from it.

As an adult - which I have been working on becoming -- it's easier for me. Children live in fear and hurt ... I no longer do. I get blue sometimes; however, it's more because I have to pick my self up again and put myself back on track. It's all about habits ... habits that we have developed since we were children.

I see myself mentally stable now. Before, I lived in so much pain ... my manics were always bought on by life events I could not handle ... I slowly learned to say NO, to stand up for myself. I remember when I first started to heal and began to do visuals, I was afraid Chuck (my ex) was going to leave me ... and I stood up against that fear and kept at ... 2 years later, I heard myself say in my visual ... so he leaves me ... that's okay. It's a slow long process and I have trumph over and over again. I am a powerful woman ... I am beautiful ...

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blue_white

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February 3, 2006, 6:35 pm PST

Marcia, again... thank you for the reply. Children don’t have to “live in fear and hurt!” I didn’t! Perhaps that’s why my life AS BLUE is so CHILDLIKE! I LOVE BLUE!

Quote From: marcia52

This is my 53rd Year of Living ... since I began saying it this way, I have come to deal with my age so much better. I actually like Maslow ... I find it easier to name what it is I'm feeling than to run away from it.

As an adult - which I have been working on becoming -- it's easier for me. Children live in fear and hurt ... I no longer do. I get blue sometimes; however, it's more because I have to pick my self up again and put myself back on track. It's all about habits ... habits that we have developed since we were children.

I see myself mentally stable now. Before, I lived in so much pain ... my manics were always bought on by life events I could not handle ... I slowly learned to say NO, to stand up for myself. I remember when I first started to heal and began to do visuals, I was afraid Chuck (my ex) was going to leave me ... and I stood up against that fear and kept at ... 2 years later, I heard myself say in my visual ... so he leaves me ... that's okay. It's a slow long process and I have trumph over and over again. I am a powerful woman ... I am beautiful ...

I’m in that position with my “Chuck” now too. And YES! THAT’S IT! I AM STANDING AGAINST MY FEAR!!! THANK YOU FOR THAT! That is exactly what I needed to hear tonight and I am RENEWED by YOUR words! (To explain see what I wrote to renewal50/Carolyn February 2, 2006, 7:30 pm PST) I know he doesn’t want to live the way we are living much longer. He is mean and abusive.

I own some of the situation, I believe, because I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN!

I was ALWAYS trying to “fix” him.

I put him before my children always! No more!

And here I sit grieving our LOST LOVE!

Now I realize OUR behavior changed who our children ARE! All three of them will talk to me about their father --Why doesn't he... ??? (whatever) Why does he treat you like that etc. ???? and they all understand what I’m doing now for myself. They are wonderful MEN... AND perhaps it’s because they saw what they didn’t want to be like!

I’m way-off subject here perhaps.

Blame it on that infamous CHAPTER 4!!!

Kathy

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ritehere

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February 4, 2006, 7:40 am PST

You were not too young...

Quote From: cmdwalk1

Thank you and you did help. Before I go on a writting marathon, I will think of each incident and ask if it has created a change in the self concept. I certainly was too young too really understand how I felt before my mother dropped me off, but the memory still haunts me today. I still remember her walking me, my brother and sister thru a wooded area behind the orphange and I cried all night when she left. I am now 51, so that incident still comes up in my mind every once in a while. When I revisit that time, it makes me feel so sad to the point I want to cry. And how about she never came to visit after a while. Would that too be defining or could that be lumped into all in one. I did not feel worthy of her and my father (an alcholic) working hard to keep me and my family together. Maybe that would be all together . As a result, the final outcome, is that I married someone who is a hard worker, a family man and who does not drink. It does get very confusing. Would it be the incident entirly (all 7 yrs that I was in the home), defined the fact that I will not let my children be in an orphange and I have lived up to that. (I am lucky enough to have 3 wonderful children and a terrific husband) This is very confusing or am I making this harder than what it is. I really want to work on this and get this all behind me for once in my life.

cmdwalk

You may not remember all the details, but you were not too young to have the emotions. I'm sure you picked up on your mother's emotions as she walked you in the wooded area, and you knew something big was happening. And you were not too young to feel abandonment and fear, and later, to wonder if it was something you did, or because it was just you. Children can and will take everything on themselves, blame themselves because they haven't the experience with the wide world that adults do. Since their world is centered on themselves, therefore every thing happens because of them.
It's no wonder that this memory causes you so much pain. As and adult I'm sure there is anger and puzzlement mixed in there too. Do you know why your mother and father gave you up?
I would definitely consider this a defining moment or incident. I'm sure you felt differently about YOU after the full realization of what had happened dawned on you. There may be other defining moments in this period of time, but the realization that your mother was not coming back is one.

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ritehere

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February 4, 2006, 7:52 am PST

Why do you hate yourself?

Quote From: busteroni

I was very unkind to a beautiful human being. and now it is over. Why did I do that I know I have not like myself never have There is a death of a marriage that I am grieving now. Wanting it back but it

will not happen, I know I have to go forward. I want to stop hating myself but how do I start while going through this grief. I still walk around here in circles like a caged animal. I can't get started on any project. I can't work . I am the cause of this grief because of this hatred. I knew many years ago

in this marriage he would find somebody better and I introduce them. And see it is not about him, yet that is where my brain goes to. I can't seem to make myself think of me. because I am the evil one, not the victim

You say that you hate yourself, and that you caused the death of "a" marriage. (Why don't you say "our" marriage?)
You say you "knew many years ago in this marriage he would find somebody better."
Of course, if you believed this, the chances of it happening were very good, and it DID happen. So now, you are telling yourself that what you knew all along is true- you are "the evil one, not the victim."

Why? Where is the truth in that statement? Is believing this working for you? Is it advancing your health and well-being? Is it getting you anywhere in life you'd truly like to be?

Find out where you came up with this idea and why. Is it valid? Or are you the victim of your own wrong perceptions that have been screwing up your life ever since you aquired this opinion?

Isn't it time to ditch this thought? It may be too late for your marriage, but you still have your life left to live, and it's never too late for that.

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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Thanks to all of you for your replies and kind thoughts!

Help with your defining moments

Defining moments

The other question...

Defining Your Authentic Self

abuser

Kathy, I'm 53 ....

Marcia, again... thank you for the reply. Children don’t have to “live in fear and hurt!” I didn’t! Perhaps that’s why my life AS BLUE is so CHILDLIKE! I LOVE BLUE!

You were not too young...

Why do you hate yourself?