Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

 As to your foster mother, it would depend on her physical and mental state. If she is in good health, it might not hurt to question her, in a non-antagonistic way. Be fully in control of yourself though. I would caution you in this way, if you are not ready for another brush-off like the one your mother gave you, don't do it. If you're not too invested in the outcome, you will not be shot down again with rejection. You must be fully aware of your worth, value and place in the world before you question her.
Sometimes step-children and adopted children are abused by parents who supposedly "chose" them. It really doesn't matter what the parents excuses are, it comes down to the fact that these people don't know what love is. Whether they were never shown love as a child, or they had horrendous things happen to them as adults makes no difference to your situation. It can help you to understand them a little better, and maybe show you how such cruelty is possible, but it makes no difference to your situation. Only you can change your thoughts and perceptions, and then the responses that flow from your thoughts.
As to your parents, you mentioned their difficulties. Are you ever in contact with your other siblings?
There could have been many feelings of guilt all around, and guilt makes people act in strange ways.
All I can say is keep going with the book. Dr Phil does not make you drag out all of these painful memories just to make you remember them. There's a master plan behind the process. You are in the "acknowledgment" phase. If you are familiar with his sayings you will know that "you cannot change what you don't acknowledge." Later he leads you to insight of your position, then he shows you how you can rid yourself of your limiting feelings and emotions.
Many people stop too soon because it's painful. Keep going, he won't let you down.

 My kids are 26, 20, and 17. One is a step-child that I feel honored to have had the privilege of raising. Another is a child by a previous marriage, that my current husband adopted. Another is ours together.

How you saw the woman as a child will be different now that you can talk to her as an adult.   You don't have to ask her WHY she did the things she did ...  the one thing about learning the tools in Self Matter is that you can ask questions about the past and learn about the woman herself. 

  

It's how I dealt with my own 72 year old mom last year.  I acknowledged that my mom just simply continued the abuse she experienced as a child ... be it a reality or defined by her child-self.  She is just a victim of the conditions that made her ...  and that she sees nothing wrong with her behaviors then or now is a choice/decision.   The only person I can change is myself.    

  

What is it you want to learn?  What is it you need to know?  What is it you want to receive from this talk with her?    

  

Have you finished reading the book?  or are you still in Chapter 4? 5? 6?  If you are, then put your desire to talk to this woman aside.  Read the book from front to cover first.  Learn to understand the process of cognitive behavior and practice it before you approach others for answers.    

  

Isn't the goal here to bring peace to your mind and thoughts?  To step off the roller coaster ride and slow down and learn to be your best friend?    

  

Once you have accomplish this, you will be able to meet with the woman and know what it is you need to bring closure to your memories and move on.    

I wonder if you have reached this place I'm in ... cause I'm just not sure where I am right now.  Boy that sure didn't make a lot of sense did it? 

  

As you know, I've been doing this focused 45-day period because I ... well, I'm hoping for some answers to what is going on in my life.   It's day 38 and I have 7 days left.  I've accomplished quite a bit. I've gone from not wanting to work to wanting to work because staying home 24/7 is boring and I want to meet people and test out my new cognitive skills on the world.  I knew that I just needed time to become comfortable with the idea and that always takes a couple of weeks to work thru. 

  

I'm not sure when I woke up to the fact that I'm just disoriented.   And this weekend, I finally had to acknowledge that it's because my brain has quieted down.  My memories are not surfacing like before.  They are not the main driving force in my life anymore.  In fact, my mind feels to quiet.   I feel like I've reached a place that is so strangely different than what I've ever experienced except as a small child. 

  

I picked up a "career book" that delves into goal work yesterday and got totally emerged in values again.   It's coming from a different angle than Dr. Phil's.  It's helping me understand that there are different levels to values -- ideals, standards, wants, True Values, work and non-work values. It's helping me a great deal with what I expect from the job area.  I know I need to plan how I'm going to handle myself if I ever fall back into the same abusive work place like before. 

  

The question is:  have you reached this place?   how did you handle it the first time?  I've been calling it a plateau ... I have to do different this time and I thought I'd get your feedback.   I keep falling back onto my old patterns and I want to add a new pattern or two.  What is your pattern now?  What changes did you make when you reached the LAPSE - pick myself up - PRACTICE - lapse - PICK MYSELF UP - practice pattern?  There are things I need to focus on more ...  however, this pattern is something I need to keep going but add to it is necessary? 

I'd sure like some feedback on this problem.  Might seem a little ridiculous to some, but it's something that really bugs me. My husband and I dated 7 years off and on. During that time we fought over his cheating. He'd cheat, then come back. And so on.  We have now been married 8 years, and he is faithful and a good husband. We have a fairly good marriage. But, I have these darn dreams of him cheating, or leaving me for someone else.  They reaccure every once in a while. Some are really related to the last one, like a continuous movie. I believe I trust him.  I know I never doubt him when he goes somewhere.  He likes to hunt, and all he does is work and occasionally hunt. So, what can my problem be? Can someone knock these nightmares out of my head?! 

Thanks  

Daffy 

 Thanks for your response and I am taking it all in account.  Yes, I think I am emotionally ready for any rejection, although, I do not think I will get that, but I know I should be prepared for it.  Secondly, yes I have been in contact with my other siblings.(my sister-in-law contacted foster mother to try to get in touch with me and told her to call her, this is why I don't feel she will reject me)  It is amazing how you can share a set of biological parents and turn out so different.  Keep in mind, that I was partially raised by nuns.  My other siblings do not all share the same ethical values as I have.  Not that I am putting myself above them. They party hard.  There was a rare time when I would see my brothers sober.  One of my brothers  has 3 girls and they all had  2 kids  before they  were  19.  The youngest  was pregnant at  13,  and again at 14 and my brother claims  he did not even know it.  Again, I am not judging them,  but  this is the type of  life style I fought  so hard  to change in my own life. One sister I have and did not know about her,  was born from an affair my mother had and she gave my sister away to an adopted family and said she never wants to see her again. (kind of gives you a warm fuzzy feeling doesn't it?)  But  anyway, according to them my life was better then their's.  My brothers who were living at home, said that they had to go thru garbage cans looking for food. And my one brother said that, he got a daily beating at school because he was the only white kid there (he quit in middle school). Anyway, I stayed in contact with them for a while, but it was hard to be around that same life style, I left when I was four.  (It sounds like I was the lucky one doesn't it?)  But why don't I feel so lucky.  My foster father tried to get in bed with me when I was just 15.  I tried to tell my foster mother, but he told her I enticed him.  She believed him and then I was treated  like  the other woman.  I wanted to tell a social worker, but I did not know how to get a hold of her, and I was too ashamed to tell anyone else.Even if I did, I was afraid of what other families would be like out there   (at least I could fend him off because he was such a small guy, and that was what I did)  My foster parents used me and another foster girl as maids.  We were not allowed to go to the main part of the house (it was just a little ranch). We ate dinner downstairs, we never ate with them. We were only allowed to take a bath once a week and we had to share the tub water, I always wanted to get a bath first.  We were downstairs for anything other then to clean their house.  And we were only allowed to go up stairs when we were invited and this was a rarity and when we did we were not allowed to sit on their couch. And  when they left , they locked us downstairs.  We did all the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, ironed, dusted, vacuumed, washed cars, trimmed all the grass  around all the bushes and long fenced area and we were not done until you had it perfect.  You get the picture. I really don't feel lucky.  But I do know some people have it far worse.  Now the question, for my foster mother.  Why did you treat my foster sister and I like that when you knew we had enough dysfunction in our childhood.  I felt used.  I would like to have some sort of acknowledgment or sincere apology for what she did.  Although, it is very possible that she may not even know she did anything wrong. Although, I tried to give you an accurate picture of what I went thru, do you really think that anyone could do this to another person and not know it?    Ritehere, you said that maybe she did not have love in her life and therefore did not know how to give it.  I don't understand that, I did not have it either. l I know how to give it.  Do you see my point? 

Thank you both, for letting me sort this out, I really am tired of always looking back at this and feeling cheated.  I want it gone for once.

Marcia, did your mother acknowledge what she did to you and did you get any satisfaction out of it?
Ritehere, I think your stepchild is very lucky to have you, take it from a person who really knows.

Thanks again!

cmdwalk

there are not that many things that have happend since my last entry but i may say that im getting more and more confused.. im finding myself more tired, or shall i say even lazy, it takes alot of efford for me to get daily chores done and then there are those days where im running through the house like a tornado and get things done where i would normally need atleast 3 days... 

  

i guess thats part of the process of asking yourself what your life is all about and how to find yourself... i know i am far from finding myself.. i also found that the deeper i dig the more i find things i totally forgot.. things that hurt so bad that i have to cry for days, that i just want to disapear into a hole in the ground.. but after the pain is gone i have this feeling of relief... well.. i gotta finish my deep thoughts for right now because my alone time will be over soon..  

  

i just wanted to let you all know that these boards here are one of the better things in my life that have happend to me.. thank you all for being there for each other.. i wish there would be more people like that even out in the "real" world 

  

Annie 

 Marcia, I reread your message and I am sorry that you did not get the answer you were looking for.  I guess all you can do is understand what she went thru and why she is that way.  I am sorry for her, it sounds like she raised a wonderful daughter dispite it.  How about you? Do you have any children and how is your relationship with them?

I am still on Chapter 4, I will take your advise and read the entire book before approaching her.  But I am very anxious to go.  I really want to put this behind me.  Like I said I am not going to attack her.

Thank you and God bless you.

cmdwalk

 Hey Brenda,
I was waiting to hear from you and missed the boat. The first day available is the day I leave California. But that's OK, I didn't really want to go without you anyway, it was your idea. I'll be sure to take some pictures and post one or two.
Your Dad's habit of calling you by your mother's name may be just that- a habit. I catch myself doing that once in a while. (Unless he does it all the time?)
I'm going to read FAMILY FIRST next, I'll bet there's some good stuff in there about boundaries, because I know there's a chapter on meddling in-laws. I'll let you know if I find anything that might help you with your Dad.
Keep the taping in mind, we'll do it one of these days!