Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Returned from T.W.F.M. (That Whole Family Mess) 

We went to Lake Waccamaw with my Aunt Betty and visited with extended family members from BOTH sides of my mother and my fathers family! Very interesting and wonderful! 

I heard Dr. Phil say at some time, something I, in fact, know works. He had pointed out that it doesn’t take 2 people to make change in a relationship. I did a little ‘role’ change with my primary family. It was QUITE ILL received. I think because I’ve typically assumed a role of the ‘quiet one’, stepping in only when there’s need for ‘damage control’, help, or intervention, that I basically set myself up to fail. They really weren’t expecting me to claim time and space no matter how thoughtful I was in the approach to this. 

The whole visit was filled with every single emotion on the spectrum, expressed in a variety of ways. My mother, of course, provided the non-stop DRAMA. My sister , who is quite verbose, as well as very articulate, plays the role of ‘Whistle Blower’, scholar and entertainer.  

While my mother initially donned her candy-coated, super sweet persona toward everyone, that didn’t last long. This woman has spent HER life expressing her utter and complete distain for her children, has the belief that she would have had a happy and healthy life if we had never been born. She believes that we are responsible for the fact that she became psychotic when we were about 6 yrs. Old. Thus, it was a struggle for her to keep that presentation going and soon lost in, climbed in the bed, pulled the covers over her head, and basically spent about 18-20 hours of each day in bed. She did frequently call from her room for each of us to do things for her. Thankfully, there was ONLY one incident of a threat of physical violence- from my mother I swiftly intervened saying, “No!” Explaining that violence was UNACCEPTABLE!!! 

I really felt badly for my 13 yr. old niece, who really did not want to be there. (Wonder Why?) So, I made plans for outings, Putt-Putt Golf, the beach-when it wasn’t raining, even Bowling, ANYTHING! 

After I returned my sister and my niece to the airport for their return flight, I had planned to hem-up loose ends regarding the building of my house and come home on Sunday. However, on Saturday evening my mother cornered me and began lamenting about her intense sadness about how my sister and I had never praised her on her mothering, never thanking her for all that she did. She then went on at length about how she had completed household chores when we were adolescents. Thus, I thanked her for the chores she did. Then using the kindest and most sensitive words and tone, I carefully explained that mothering, parenting involved more than ‘chores’. Further, that the relationship between parent and child involved more than one person. My mother stormed off in a huff. I really knew that I had NOT said what she wanted to hear because that would require extensive lying. On some level I knew that THIS was NOT over and that she WOULD devise a plan to disrupt the ENTIRE household in some way before I left. 

On Sunday she was up but refused to speak, refused to have lunch with my father and I, refused to interact verbally, period and ultimately returned to bed. As I concluded my packing I heard an all TOO familiar sound emanating from her room, loud talking and whaling that would require someone to come and check on her which I reluctantly did. Upon entering her room she was sobbing and yelling about how ‘thankless’ and awful her children were, that she felt God was punishing her by sending her people like us to her and (straight out of that scene from Young Frankenstein ), “I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE!!!” When I approached her she angrily swatted at me and warned me to ‘Get AWAY from ME!’ My poor tired father came in and she continued her ranting, insisted that he fetch her an additional dose of her tranquiller because of her dreadful children, “They don’t love me!” My father went to fetch an additional pill for her as I-outside of striking distance- began trying to talk with her. She initially refused to listen and began screaming to the top of her lungs to drown me out. I remained with her and continued to talk with her. She was seeking the ‘praise’ I had not offered the night before. Since I was unwilling to lie, I began talking to her about the belief I have that God puts every person in our lives for a reason. Further, that I believed that she was placed there for a reason. I spoke of how our circumstance allowed us to become self-reliant very early in our lives and that without her life for my sister and I would not have been possible. I also explained, that in our own way, we did in fact love her but neither she nor my sister and I had ANYTHING like a traditional mother/child relationship. Initially, she steam-rolled saying, “It’s going in one ear and out the other!”, over and over again. However, after about 15 mins. She was not yelling and was far less disruptive. About 2 mins. More she was sitting up smiling chatting about how awful her life was but that she was “all better, now. Thank You very much!” I stayed to be sure but she continued to chat, laughing, lively, got up out of the bed saying, “You need to be on the road. You just don’t know how much I worry about you!” 

I told my father that I would stay until Monday morning before heading back home. He was grateful. My mother remained ‘chipper’ after her outburst saying, “Ya know, my nerves have been so bad lately. I think it’s because of the pain in my back. I have just suffered so all of my life!” 

You’d think that she would get tired of the same CRAZY scene time after time but she never does. 

On Monday I came home!  

Welcome to my life! Thanks again for allowing me to bend your ear, Brenda