Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

It can be comforting to think that we are born with a master plan, that our soul picked likely people and scenarios to learn the lessons it needs to progress. It's also a great comfort to think of Karma in this way, if everybody's on "different levels" it makes it so much easier not to be judgemental. Yes I've done extensive reading, and continue to. I still have to admit, though, I don't know. All I know for sure is that there is something beyond this life, this plane if you will. I've touched it, it has touched me. I've been assured that it's OK to question. I know that what makes me whole inside usually doesn't involve "the easy way out."
I've also read that there are "exit points" that we can choose if this existence becomes too much. So far, I have been presented with several, and am still here. But I don't know. I don't know if being the best possible human will get me any farther in the big picture, I just know that it feels right. I'm comfortable with not knowing, and I've been assured that this is OK.

Dear Brenda, 

  

It as been a while since i wrote to you but let me tell you that you have been on my prayers.I am sorry to see that things don't get better with your mother. I guess that the quote you just wrote is the right answer not only for her but for you too. It is true that God puts some people in our lives for a reason. You must find the WHY question so you learn how to deal with her. 

  

I think that when you go in her room she feels the power she has over you and everyone for that matter.She controls all of you and you give her the right to do so.What will happen if you didn't go? Have you ever try ignoring her like we do with children? 

  

She doesn't deserve a wonderful daughter like you and she should acknowledge it and grow up. Has anyone ever confronted her with her selfish personnality? Your father must be an angel to have endure her  for so long. I don`t think it is ever too late to make things right in life no matter the age or the situation. She should apologized to you not the other way around. 

  

I wish you time to reconnect to serenity . 

  

Friendship always Lyne xoxoxox 

Of course, there is a whole lot of truth in what you're saying! Especially, regarding her use of extreme behavior to control the family. Please see the post to Ritehere-Linda! 

 

Thank you for you thoughts and prayers. This has been an almost life-long struggle. I am certainly not without responsibility, here.  

  

I'm going to spend some time brain-storming. There may be some more creative approaches to dealing with the family in this matter, particularly, my father. If you or anyone else have any ideas they sure would be appreciated. I have tried a variety of things. Without family involvement, my mother can very quickly undermine anything!  

  

Thanks, Again!    Brenda 

I am sorry to hear that you had such a negative experience in your efforts to reach out to your mother. 

It does sound like you've at least come to a resolve about where you are with her, though. Glad you were able to process the anger. 

I particularly liked your sign-off, "Marcia- a 52 year old woman who has finally accepted her mother." 

 

I sure ain't able to exactly say I've accepted mine! 

  

I saw that you visited the 'Palmetto State'! My home.  

  

Take Care. I sure can relate to BAD 'mother' experiences!!! 

  

  

Brenda  

My goal was to finally bring closure with my mom & I.  I needed to acknowledge the truth about our relationship and in all honesty, I have no anger or bitterness.  I know where & why she's like she is ... we are products of our childhood experiences and she really didn't have it easy.  Fact is, I really don't have much to complain about when I hear others talk/write about their's. 

  

But today, I felt really really good cause I went shopping for the Walton School kids - they are coming to school with no supplies so I went & got them some.  I picked up 20 boxes of crayons in Rock Hill, SC flea market (man gave me 10 boxes when I told him what they were for -- his price was 5 boxes for $1); today I picked up notebook paper (3 pkgs - 325 sheets in each pkg); 3 binders; 3 packages of pens, 12 bottles of white glue for $3, 9 rullers for $3; 3 writing pads for $3; and 6 pkgs of pencil top erasers (25 in each pkg) for $3.  I'm going back to Walgreens to buy more binders, pens & notebook paper later this week.   It lifted my spirits and doing this type of work is something my mom did teach me. 

  

Brenda, I finally was able to turn my Self Matter tools to my mom a few months ago and it's been hard because I do love her and she loves me - she's just doesn't like all that makes me a person.  But that's her pattern speaking and I know she doesn't know she's got a script like that.  She did call me this morning and apolized for being such a bitchy person.  And for her, that's a major accomplishment for me.  But I now know what triggers and I can make sure that it's not trigger around me anymore!  I made alist -- in fact, I took my little pieces of paper with all my little notes with me and read them over and over every day to make sure that I kept my focus.  It worked BIG TIME!!!  Now, I am able to focus on other stuff. 

  

Today, I applied for a job at a catholic thrift shop -- I would love to do that type of charity work.  To give back -- again, that's something my mom has taught me.   She has so many good things about her - and a lot of it has been absorbed by me and I'm so thankful for it. 

  

Marcia 

 I certainly don't think you are a wimp, or a nut. You are a very strong, long suffering daughter who is doing what she feels is right on behalf of her father, who she loves dearly. Your mother's actions are that of a spoiled 2 year old. I don't know what her diagnoses is, or what kind of medications she is on, but it certainly sounds like your dad took the easy road, hoping to keep the peace.
If you haven't already, I would have discussions with your father and your sister, in the event you are left to care for your mother. Now is the time to come to terms with what can be expected, and what each of you are willing to do for her. This can be very painful, but can be a wake up call.
My husband had a tyrant for a father, and a mother who enabled him and took the heat of most of his ugliness. When my mother-in-law passed away first, the old man first tried to get my sister-in-law to divorce so she could move in and take care of him. When that didn't work, he tried to move in with us. I won't go into the details, suffice to say it was high drama. He saw his children as nothing more than possessions, and it was a huge shock to him when they stood up to him. They had always towed the line for their mother. They halfways made up when he came around to being civil, but he ended his days a lonely bitter old man. I don't know if standing up to him while his mother was still here would have worked for my husband, because she always took the verbal and mental abuse when nobody else was around. The old man didn't need anybody else to lord it over when he had her. But he did finally admit to some of his behavior, and regretted the way he had treated his wife all those years. But it was too late.
I don't  know if this helps, but if you can have a decent relationship with your mother before it's too late, my husband would tell you to go for it.

Mom called me this morning and left a voice mail that she was sorry that she was sorry she was so bitchy.  For her it's a first.  She called later tonite and we talked - and that's another first cause usually it takes me days to get over the anger - but I talked to her and when we ended the phone call, I told her I loved her. 

  

ALl this time I was afraid to be truthful to her and now, well, I have rules in place and they will remain - my own mental health is at stake. 

  

But I'm so glad I chose to turn to Self Matters and committing 3 years of my life to step back and stop the merry-go-round / roller coaster ride I've been on for so long. I like growing up and becoming an adult! 

  

M 

 Your mother has sensed the change in you, she does not have the power to get to you anymore, so is re-evaluating her position. I don't think they ever consciously see it that way, they are just so used to being the way they've always been. When you are different, they will react differently to you. Such a simple concept isn't it? But such a long way to get there. Congratulations and welcome to your life.

I'm not really dying - however, since May I've been dealing with thoughts that I'm going to die.  In May, I performed with my girlfriend at a show (it was my 5-6th performance in the last couple of years) and at the time.  The difference for this event was that I was seeing closures for all my 10-40 year old goals because I'm checking them off.  I began to have such FEARS running amok within me.  When I went to performed, I was so sick - I felt like I was going to DIE.  YES FOR REAL!!  And every month, that same DEATH FEAR pops up it's ugly little head and I've dealt with it accordingly.  In fact, right before I left for S.C. I had a couple DIE thoughts again - but I was able to easily switch my thinking to something else. 

  

Well, yesterday, I was going thru Good Housekeeping for september 05 and on page 148, I tore out this 4 step FIGHT YOUR FEARS WITH THIS BEST-SELLING TECHNIQUE.  There's this 4-circle target: 

  

Inner Circle has COMFORT ZONE printed in it. 

The next circle has STRETCH 

The 3rd circle has RISK and the 

4th & last circle has:  DIE 

  

I'm going to get the book from the library if I can - CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN 30 DAYS BY RHONDA BRITTEN.   It is a validation for me.  I can't wait to see what she writes about goal work because I know that it works!  It was and has been so painful for me to finally accept that I have placed myself on hold for nearly 40 years and more.  It's also painful that I'm 52 years old and just now giving myself permission to get pass my long-time goals so that I can have my foundation in place.  Simple things like cooking, maintaining a NEAT home, sewing, and a healthy life style have been on my TO DO list for so many years; some for over 40 years.  It's kinda scary to acknowledge that when I finally obtain these very basic ME (foundation) goals, I'm not sure what my interests will be or where I'm going from here.   

  

I've been validated with my feelings - I have been on-track and I'm doing the right thing!  Isn't that the coolest thing!!!