Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

My mom has been reacting to my life changes for awhile now. It was actually harder on her before.  Years ago she used to tell me how badly the family was treating her, than 1 day when I went to defend her, she defended them.  I told her that I was tired of her doing this.  That I didn't want to know what the family was doing to her becuase when she told me, I defended her and then she would jump down my throat.  I told her it was HER CHOICE to allow it to happen.   A few months later, she was upset and when I went to say something, she angrily told me:  IT'S MY CHOICE.   

  

My was told that I knew she didn't like parts of who I was by my brother.   I told him when he asked me how the trip was - I was still so upset with having to acknowledge it.  He went back and told her.   

  

And yes, I can finally get on with my life.  Now when I do my quarterly review of my life 

  

Every so often, I go over a list I've developed and write down what is going on, what is it I'm looking for, or how am I doing.  The list:  Work, family, community, friendship, beloveds (pets), home, creativity, finances, sewing, lawyer, dance, nutrtion, exercise, new life style - has been slowly developed since 1/1/04 - all due to Weight Loss Solution's Chapter 2 on goal work. At the time, it was the closest I could come to doing goals.  Without realizing it, I had prioritized this list and have bought closure to:  WORK, LAWYER, BELOVEDS, FRIENDSHIP, & HOME.  I still have some work to do with sewing, dance, and the last 4 on the list.   But those 4 are not as painful now.  I've come so far on all of them that I'm at the practicing stage --  PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE is my year's motto.   Last year is was DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, the year before NO MORE GRIEVING. 

 

I still have some work to do with my paralegic younger brother - a few months ago he built a ramp so he could come visit me.  I was so emotionally drained before because of my job & my thoughts, that now, I'm able to have him in my life more.  He's coming over tomorrow for dinner and we'll play cards and then I'll drive him home.  I now have to work things out cause when I start work, I want him to still come over and make dinner for him.  That's another family goal. 

 

Take care and thanks for the congratulations! 

Grey Dog Wisdom: 

Fact: "Before your life can go in the right direction, you have to pull your head out and stop going in the wrong direction." 

Fact: "When you are at the bottom of the well the only way to look is up." 

Fact: "Make a plan and work the plan. Life is not a dress rehearsal." 

  

I dont understand you reply  

Its not a story it was my life, I have not repressed anything, othewise i would not have written about it would I?. If my poem opens one eye to my understanding then to me its worthwhile.  

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." 

  

--Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner 

 Deep belly chuckle, but so appropriate. To claim it you've got to name it.

I invited my MIL up for a week of our vacation. I did it in spite of the fact that any visiting in the past has ended with me feeling the need for something strong and a whole week of sleep and her comments on how i "Just need to come around to her ways". 

My husband and I had a long conversation on how he should intervene should the experience take a nose-dive.

Well.... needless to say, I should have seen it coming a mile off. Pulling my husband into "private" conversations. Expecting me to be her maid. Running roughshod over me. Going into pout mode to get my husband to pay attention to her instead of having vacation fun (She doesn't want to have fun, just do what she does. It is a vacation for her)

I didn't react well. I quickly had enough of becoming an outsider on "Our" vacation and suggested that my husband find her a hotel room close by, so that, if she didn't feel like joining in, she could spend some quiet time(without pulling my husbands chain). That was rebuffed as if I had told her to go jump in a cesspool(even though we had discussed a hotel beforehand and I have no clue how she ended up in the guest room). MIL goes into a hysterical crying fit. Husband says I am over-reacting. I suggest they just spend a day together to get it out of their system. That brought a response from MIL that "She would just pack now" and more tears, protestations of not being "aware" of any problem, etc.....

Well....... can we say that I LOST it? Yeah, I think I can. I had enough of hysterics and finally said I couldn't deal with that, suggesting she might need a minute to collect herself. She turns to my husband with waterworks turned on full throttle and told him she would just go, she was making things difficult. I admit, at this point I turned to her and said there was no need for us to play tug-of-war with my husband's emotional strings, we fulfilled two different roles in his life, she as his mother, me as his mate for life. We couldn't fill each other's shoes. I would never be his mother and she would never (I went too far) give him the satisfaction that I did in my wifely duties. I told her I refused to converse with her in thar fashion and refused to set my husband at odds in my own house.

Welll......  I ended up threatening to leave. MIL and hubby spent some quality time at my insistence, She ended up leaving just before my patience was completely worn thin. Now, I really don't want her back in my house. I had some respect for her before this, but now... I think it's all used up.  I have to admit, I would rather maintain a polite, but distant respectful relationship with her. I have the feeling after that powerplay she had the nerve to put on that she will just bring it full force now. I really see no need to "compete" with her. I absolutely refuse to bow down to being disrespected in my home or anyone else's any further.

Is there someone who is a MIL, or who has a MIL similar that can somehow explain to me what she was thinking?

Kim

 You don't mention your husband's father, so I assume your MIL is single or widowed? She may be very lonely, and not know how to express her needs without coming off as trying to assert herself in your lives. From your past posts, I know that you guard your self respect, and that your freedom and your home is not to be violated by anybody. You are entirely justified in this attitude. Does your husband have any siblings? If he's an only child, this makes it even harder for the mother to stay out of your business.
You have a very kind heart, the fact that you invited her for a week, knowing that she can push your buttons shows that. I know this must put a huge strain on your husband, he loves you both.
I would suggest that in the future, you limit your visits, now that you have learned what the outcome is likely to be. Only you two know how long it's possible to be civil with each other. And I would control the environment as much as possible, make reservations ahead of time to go out, don't ask her if she'd like to, just say, "we thought you'd enjoy this, so we made reservations." It's difficult to get into shouting matches in public. Prepare ahead of time. Marcia's plan of using index cards with her plan of action in certain situations with her mother was an excellent approach to heading off ugly moments.
Good luck to you.

 Lynn wanted me to say Thank You from her. She will post in a few weeks.
 
Hey everybody, she's very busy right now, her husband is not feeling good again and she is caring for him. Send your affection and good wishes her way OK?

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