Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

I got my Self Matters book and I've started reading it...not quite through the 1st chapter yet but I'm definitely relating to all of it!! I find myself feeling hopeful though. My health insurance kicks in on March 1st & then I'm gonna begin therapy. I'm looking fwd to that. (Believe it or not.) I also have begun a dance aerobics class twice a week with my best friend for the past 2 weeks and it has helped my overall well-being, I think. I have joined an online diet support group as well and am tracking my progress there as well. I don't know if this is all part of my mania kicking in (I have bi-polar II) or just starting to feel better, but either way, I know I feel better lately. Well, today I feel better. That could all change. I am really looking fwd to Spring. Winter does major damage to my moods and this cold is killing my spirit BIG TIME! I had mentioned before that I am in a relationship with a married man who is separated, well, he and I are doing well, except for the fact that he still hasn't told his family about me yet! And we have been together for almost 15 months! The problem there is we started seeing each other before he actually left his wife. I know - shame on us. I don't feel good about it and neither does he. But he has been officially out of the bedroom for a year and out of the house for 6 months. This is such a sore subject for us. I feel like such an outsider in his life. The thing is, they (his parents, who he lives with now) know he is seeing someone, he just won't elaborate or go into details. He is so afraid of them disliking me for his marriage breaking up. He is so worried about what everyone else is going to think. And that really pisses me off. He is 31 yrs old and if he and I are happy together, then that is all that should matter, right? Am I wrong? We are so perfect together. Very much in love, treat each other with kindness & respect, have loads in common & are just plain happy being together! But I know I deserve to be part of his entire life. And he keeps promising me he will get to all of that "when he feels it's time" and I've been waiting so patiently. Well, not exactly "so" patiently, we've had some major disagreements about it but I keep giving him more time and he keeps agreeing that he needs to do this and I keep saying it's OK. Anyway, he is with me 4 nights a week and does everything and anything I could ask for otherwise. I just needed to vent. Thanks for being there.... 

Heather 

It actually went good...  J bought me roses for my birthday... 

on another note... 

last night j finally told his ex off.  And he told me that since im the one that gets woke up when the phone rings in the middle of the night, to tell her not to call after 8 pm anymore.  Now I just have to wait until she calls in the middle of the night again...  She got snotty on the messages she left him, so he called her back and told her off.  I'm glad he finally stood up to her and let her know that she isnt going to be able to manipulate him anymore.  good for him.. 

One of the moments in life that brought me here was when my mother died. For years every one worried about what I was going to do how much trouble I would cause etc. I had tried to let everyone know I had changed, I guess they need to see it themselves. The last few weeks of her life, in the hospital, I was sick and had limited visits with her, I was there all covered up I had to be careful. She had less than a 2% chance of living most of the family was, of course, giving her hope. I told her it was time for her to rest and that I would be ok and so would every one else (what a lie). Now she's gone. I have my Father,sister, her childern, my children and my grandchildren. She and my father gave so much and provided as parents do, however these two people are so very Special they gave my sister and I the greatest gift "a home and family" we were chosen children (adopted). When it came time to make the arrangement My husband and I stayed in the home where I grew up and in my old room for 5 days. We cried and shared memories, which had come flooding back. This was in 2003. Since then we go visit with dad, still at home, and try to stay the night. He wears mom's robe and takes her flowers every friday with-out fail. I hurt for him, he loves her so much and misses her even more, so do I. It is so hard to go home she is every where and in every part of the house and my heart. Dad, sis, hubby and I talk lots about her, I love to hear dad's stories and remember all the thing we had the privlage of doing. This is what I call priceless !!!! I still need to come to terms with all of the rotten things I did as a child, I have no peace all I have a tears.