Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

I can relate to your description.  You can tell people what you do, yet WHO you are is obscure, especially to you.  It is a peculiar place to be.  The people around you can probably predict your reactions to things, understand how you make your decisions, and basically know you better than you know yourself.   

Getting to know yourself without interrupting familial relationships is something that can be done if it is broken down into small steps and a "buffer zone" or "decompression time" is allowed between each step.   

Maybe if you study your behaviors and see what they have to say, you will get some insight on where to start.  Not being close to anyone suggests to me that maybe you have some trust issues with others and yourself.  I often would not get close to anyone because I was afraid they would see me for who I am.  Now I realize who I am is not a bad thing, and I want people to see me, not who I purport to be.   

Breath in, breath out and introduce yourself.  Start trying to be aware of what you do and examine why you do it.  This will give you insight on who you really are.   

at least, it is worth a shot, right? 

Teri 

Taking our lives back is a hard and rewarding. When you make the decision to go for it  nothing can change your mind , go girls go. 

Here is my story i am sharing it with you so you have hope . 

Seven years ago after a three years doing nothing after a very hard divorce i decided to take my life in my own hands and do something about it . At the time i had a 14 years old daughter  who needed me but most of all who needed me to be the better i could be. I decided to go back to school and take a 15 months nonstop  accounting degree. My daughter was very proud of me for having the courage to go back to school at the age of 38  and she help me alot to persevere anyway i had to be the example for her to do something with her life too.It was not always easy  buy i can say that it has been the time of my life i was the proudest of myself. 

I graduated found myself a wonderful job , my daughter just graduated 2 months ago and became a nurse my life has change because i decided to do so . Make the commitment to yourself and most of all believe in yourself and you wont be desapointed. 

Sincerly Lyne 

I missed your response until I had posted the one above. It did occur to me that I was a very emotional child. I really do believe that that is why I'm not experiencing ALL that much stuff right, now.  

What do you think? I know that I have read on this board where folks spoke of how they were just flooded with feelings and emotions. To be truthful I REALLY thought I would have the same experience but I haven't thus far. What is your sense about this? Be honest. Maybe I'm side-stepping things that I shouldn't be or whatever. OR maybe like Kobler-Ross I just had the emotions at a much earlier time and don't need to have them, now.   

Thanks,   Brenda  

Most of my "emotions/feelings" surfaced as I began to put the Self Matters techniques to work.  Writing down my "moments/people/places" allowed me to open myself to those memories.  When you read Chapter 5 re: CHOICES, he explains how Maslow's Theory works in relationship to being a child/young adult.   

When I finally selected a thought pattern I wanted to challenge in my life.  What I was focusing on was those WANTS/DESIRES/DREAMS that I would sit down and write how I was going to do it and than a month or two later, I remembered that I was wanting to do it.   

I chose to focus on sewing because it was the easiest because I could come up with steps for me to follow.  Because I reported out weekly my status, that helped me to focus because I wanted to stay in contact with my support group.  I reported out weekly how I was doing.  Because I reviewed this goal each week, I was able to catch myself when I drifted off.  I call that Emotional Paralysis - I got that definition and meaning from Martha Beck's article:  SHAMED, EMBARRASSED, HUMILIATED in May issue of O magazine.  I then sat down with my journal and began to write whatever my thoughts were.  It was really hard because the paralysis kept making me stop and wonder away from what I was trying to focus on.    

As I journaled, if a childhood/younger memory popped up, I explored how it made me feel.  I used the techniques in Self Matters to help me name what I was saying.  Was I seeing a label, a tape, a script, whatever popping up - making me stop and walk away from accomplishing this goal. 

What also helped was that I committed to this task with these words: I will either do it and accomplish this goal or I would walk away from it forever.  I meant it.  I was just so tired of it being in my life.  I wanted to free my mind up.  It had been a dream since I was 13 years old and I spent years and years writing a very deep tape.   

I'm sure that others who have done Self Matters have experienced the same.  No one does it the same.  I was in a very emotional state when I did SM, I was questioning who I was and why I allowed myself to create such a painful, nightmarish life.   

As I learned the tools, memorized the words & definitions, and I re-read and re-read the chapters as I began to slowly allow myself to hear what I was telling myself and then asking the questions.   

Give yourself permission to BREATHE and allow yourself to just read the book first.  Know that you will experience the book your way.  It also helps to watch Dr. Phil's show when you can.  You can get so many answers/clarification that way.   

M 

Since May, I've been experiencing such great levels of fear & anxiety that at that time, I named it DYING.  It was awful - thoughts of death & dying were taking me to such emotional shutdowns.  I really believed that once I had bought closure to the goal I was working on, I would die because I had nothing else to live for.  That I had done what God & I had decided was my life goal.  I LIVED 

In June, I experienced the same feeling and wrote and wrote about how it felt to me.  I finally wrote my "decision" of what it was in my MEMORY NOTEBOOK so that when I experienced it again in July, I would be prepared to pick it up where I left off.  I experienced the "dying" thoughts again and this time, I used my notes from June to help me work thru it.  I named it DEPRESSION and acknowledged that I had lived it with for so long that I was sad that it was leaving me.  And I wrote more words: 

Depressive behaviors are habits.  For me to move forward, I will acknowledge it and know it's over at long last.  The sadness I feel is the depression.  I no longer want this in my life.  The sadness isn't normal.  It's just a habit.   

In August, once again for the 3rd time, I was bringing another long time goal to closure and the "dying" self-talk surfaced but this time, I conquered it.  But the feeling/emotion that it bought returned and this time, I allowed myself to name what I was feeling. I felt I was withdrawing, I couldn't concentrate or focus, I felt a very deep pain within me.   

I allowed myself to go back to when I first started to heal in 1991.  I allowed myself to remember all that I had done to bring me to this point.  The hard work, the reprogramming of all the programs that made me ME.  And finally, I remembered when I first felt this FEELING of DYING -- I remember as a child laying in my bed crying because once again, I had failed or had been shamed or whatever sad event had taken place.  I remembered how over the years I had laid in my bed feeling this same emotion that had no name.  It was depression and it encompassed so many different feelings like: 

• unhappiness
• anger
• resentment
• frustration
• shame
• guilt
• hut
• pain
• unworthiness
• I am evil
• I need to be punished

I could never see the good or positive when this scriplt/tape began.   

Today, I realized that I've been feeling this emotion/feeling throughout doing Self Matters work.  That when I have to face my fears & anxieties, this feeling emerges.  So I visualized what it was like and saw it like PIG PEN (the charlie brown character that always had dirt floating around him).  I saw that it encompassed so much because it had been with me for so long.  Once again, I had faced this emotion/feeling and worked thru it. 

But this time, I was ready.  I had worked hard on becoming the living breathing VALUES in Self Matter and I was finally able to challenge this PIG PEN emotion/feeling.  I named it:  I AM 

• loyal
• honest
• a friend
• loved
• okay
• a caretaker
• worthy
• deserving
• nice
• SAFE
• kind
• truthful
• at peace
• a good person

So I've written up my challenge and as I brush my teeth twice a day, I will read my list.  I will light my candles and release the "memory" which no longer serves me nor does it contain any truth of who I am.  Every day, I will say who I am.   

When I conquer another goal next month, I will be ready.  I will have my truths ready to challenge the thoughts that stop me from living the life style I deserve to live. 

I Marcia, have named what has been my memory written in lies and deceit.  It does not own me anymore and I am not sadden that it is leaving my life.  I AM. 

Thank you one and all for helping me.  Your questions or requests for help/assistance has helped me to remember how I got this far.  Without your help I would not have gotten to this point in my healing. 

Marcia 

I learned the BREATHING TECHNIQUE from Dr. Lawlis' CD on weight loss.  I was lucky enough to get the 1st set that enabled me to play it every night when I went to bed.  I catch myself BREATHING all the time - it's like when it occurs, I know that I'm stressed out and I'm on automatic and need to tune back in to what's going on with me.  The CD is also wonderful in that he tells me over and over again how good I am, how I deserve.  I haven't played it in a while, but when & if I feel I need to do so, I will play it again.  The 2nd CD confused my mind - it was helpful -- but it's the 1st one I turn to when I feel weak and need to get reinforcement. And Dr. Lawlis has such a nice voice. 

Allow yourself to do the exercises as you re-read the book.  Like I said, I've re-read the book so many times now --  in fact, I even have handwritten out passages because it's a way that I can learn.  My book has been written in and highlighted.  So that when I do re-read it, I can see where I was in the last reading. I also date each Chapter when I read it and when I re-pick it up. It allows me to see what changes have occurred in my life. 

p.s.  I post here when I'm healing a pattern.  He is so right about acknowledging out loud - when I right, I tell myself - but you don't know these people but WHAT IF THEY MEET YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FIRENDS -- and then I write more because that's shame and guilt is speaking and I'm not going to reach closure until I allow myself to express my shame & guilt.  If people can go on his show and tell it to national & international TV watchers, than I can surely sit here and tell this site! 

marcia 

Even though you responded to Marcia52, who's posts I appreciate greatly, something you said struck a chord with me.  The concept of having an aversion to negative feelings, appearing upset, and the self judging that goes with anything we consider a "negative" emotion.   

I have overdosed on humor for years.  It has been my medicine, my drug of choice, and my diversion tactic to how I really feel.  Today I work at understanding the way I truly feel at any given moment is appropriate, and what is not appropriate is to try to mask it in any way.  Discovering this can be quite liberating, yet is not always easy. 

Sometimes we program ourselves to certain behaviors because of other's reactions to our behavior.  A good example of this is my boyfriend really dislikes being woke up at night.  One night a blanket had fallen in between us, pulling the covers off of both of us.  He woke up angry and throwing blankets in a sleep-fit.  Well, I did not like that at all.  I didn't like being woken up with anger.  So, for the next month, I had blankets on my side of the bed and let him have the regular covers.  I perceived my sharing covers with him as the problem, thus creating a separation.  We spoke about it a couple of nights ago and are trying sleeping under the same blankets again, with the understanding that nobody is trying to have more than anyone else, it was just a freak thing.   

The deal is I allowed his reaction to color my behavior.  This was not appropriate on my part, because I was taking responsibility for his anger.  Silly me...I could have just said to myself, "He's grumpy cuz he woke himself up" and left it at that.   

Thank you for sharing what you have shared.  It is good to read some of my own thoughts illustrated in such an easy to comprehend way.   

Teri