Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

I'm just checking in with everyone. I'm still working on the exercises in 'Self Matters', Chapter 4 Ten Defining Moments. I am amassing an enormous number of moments and I'm only finishing the adolescent years. I'm still grappling with the 'now', 'feelings'. I just don't seem to have ANY!!! I've been sticking with this for days. I don't really know what to write for my 'now' 'feelings'! I know that no one out there has a magic wand or can tell me what I should be feeling. This just seems so odd with all of the 'Drama' in these moments to not have feelings about them, now. I really do wonder about that.   

   

I'm beginning to believe that the more 'Dramatic' the event the MORE detached I feel. STRANGE!!!!  

   

I'm hanging in there...I'll continue to work on this.  

   

Thanks for letting me bend your ears.  

   

Brenda   

That not all of the moments you are putting down are truly defining moments.   

  

You need to look at each of them and determine whether you came out of the particular moment a different person with a different view of the world from when you went in. 

  

I found that many of the 33 items I put down in my working on this same exercise were simply significant memories.  I managed to cull my list down to 13 truly defining moments. 

  

Test each one Brenda - did the moment change the way you thought about yourself?  Did it change the way you thought about the world and your place in it?  If the answer is yes then it is a defining moment. 

  

And don't forget that you need to be looking for positive defining moments - they are an integral part of you and you need to use them as building blocks in your authentic self. 

  

  

We were to hike to the summit of Mount Elbert this weekend, but our friend had to bail, and I'm not sure I'm up to it. Had some kind of bug this week, (school started!) So we cancelled, but are still considering a hike somewhere closer to town.

 I think you're missing something. A few posts back you said that while working on this chapter you: had to eat first because it caused you to lose your apetite, if you weren't overdosing on humor you were holding your breath. Pretty strong reactions wouldn't you say?
I think you may need a rest for a couple of days. Put it up, think about other things. Try to work in some quiet time where you just BE. Sit around and daydream. Sometimes it comes when you stop trying so hard. It's not a race, it's your life.

When it comes to those defining moments work, you always have the best advice. Hope things are better on the homefront.

Brenda, for me personally, I did the same ...  I wrote out my history and found that I couldn't connect to the event really.  I mean, I had done the work previously over & over again, that I just couldn't understand why I had to do it again.  But somewhere I read where he said that if I get upset or angry, than I haven't bought closure to it.  And because I was in a really intensive nasty work situation, I was enmeshed from it.  So it was painful, not my childhood or early adulthood. 

  

What I loved about Self Matters was the last 7 chapters on Internal Dialogue.  I focused my energy on SEWING so that I could hear why I wasn't able to focus on it.  It allowed me to listen to my fears and then write out steps to help me work thru it.  Like taking a class on altering skirts & pants so that I could see if it could provide me with the missing knowledge.   Then I took a class on how to make a shirt, and then I made x-mas presents (a couple of flannel gowns & pj's for my great nephew & niece).   

  

As I gained the knowledge and learned to LISTEN and then ask the 3 questions (Is it True?), I was able to figure out if I needed to learn something - like goal work or a behavior -- or if I had already learned / educated myself and never connected the dots.  That was pretty funny actually.  I spent so many years reading, taking classes, talking with other people that I never actually was able to truly apply what I had learned until I discovered CONNECTING THE DOTS.   

  

Now, I'm able to easily hear the "tape" because the key for me is:  I just disconnect and forget about it.  Now, I know that when I'm doing goal work that I need about 20 minutes, my journal, and a separate notepad.  I write my goal down and then begin to break it down into separate steps or just begin writing about it.  If I discover that I've just faded out - then I start the process all over again but this time, I have the notepad ready to listen to what I'm saying.  Sometimes, it takes me a couple of attempts before I maintain my focus.  Then I can ask the questions. 

  

Marcia 

I wrote these words down and refer to them every so often: 

  

We learn difficult concepts by studying them until we "get it" and then by stopping for a while to let the ideas settle. 

 

It reminds me that I need to space my self from charging forward -- I need to process.   

  

Sometimes, and it does happen frequently, I discovered that when I awake, I have worked it out and know what the next step is. 

Read your post and the first thing that comes to my mind is the way you protected yourself by being detached.Is it that maybe you don't want to face the music again and go somewhere you were so unhappy.I personaly have no recolection of feelings about my youth except that we were left to ourself and we were supose to be good and quiet .Feelings was something that was not discuss and something that was prooving weekness.  

  

Couples years ago i decided to let by gone be by gone and live only the moments.I know that someday i will have to face the truth about my feelings .Even my 3 sisters don't want to discuss any of our past  i guess it is because our parents are still alive and we feel oblige to bee good and quiet girls still. But i am sure that one day all of ours feelings will come out and that we will all feel relieve and free ......that will be a great day  

  

So be good to yourself let it come if it has to, or else life will put you in position to learn an other way. Take care and enjoy the moment dear Brenda 

  

Sincerly Lyne 

Good point! I will keep tha in mind as I continue to work.  

   

Thanks Again,  Brenda  

I've really been holding my feet to the flames. I didn't want to wimp out. But, I believe I really do need a break. The developement of all sorts of physical symptoms and no 'now' 'feelings' was beginning to concern me. I think I will put this down for a few days and see what I experience when I return to this work.  

   

I spent so much time with humor earlier this year, about my first reaction to 'Self Matters' that I felt a real need to just dive right in and get serious. I think now I need to give myself permission to take a break for a few days.  

   

I'll keep in touch. Thanks again!  

   

   

Brenda