By not being true to myself I have landed myself in a hell of no return. I compromised until I compromised myself, to my detriment. I understand the concept of self matters, I get it now. Too late. Because even though I get it, I am not in the position to follow through. Why?. I am stuck. I can't get out of a relationship that is literally killing me. Why? Many reasons, and I suppose I must explain in order for you to understand. I have no answers anymore, but I have one question. The question I have for y'all is this, "what do I tell myself to keep me willing to face another day."
What do I tell myself to help me survive another day, with a mate who cannot accept me for myself. A mate who is controlling, and critical of almost everything I do. He has criticized how I walk, drive, talk, think. He criticizes what I wear and critics it before I go out to be sure I am appropriately dressed according to his standards.
This man is a negative attitude, and he doesn't trust people, including me.
I love people and I like to go about in public and spread a little light and laughter with my fellow humans beings. But, of course almost half of the population is male, and that is a threat to him. He doesn't want me to smile at the men, only the women. He does not want me around other men and that includes my girlfriend's husband, or any male that might be around if he is not.
Yes, I did ignore the red flags, but those flags increased in size many fold after we began living together.
I hear y'all now, LEAVE, but I can't or I would be so gone he would choke on the smoke from my runners burning the pavement.
What do I tell myself, to get me through another day.
I feel so hopeless, and discouraged. I am sure you are wondering why can't she leave. Well, I will try to make a really long and involved story as short as I can.
I haven't any support system, as you can imagine he has kept the reins pretty tight. I have one daughter in town and she can't help me, she is a single mother with three children and she has a roommate with two children as well. So I can't stay there or move there. Also, in short my daughter's house is almost always in turmoil, and I know my tender soul could not take it.
I am in a position where I can't afford to be a room mate to someone else, I can't afford room and board, and I know through experience that room and board is soul sucking experience at best. I can't afford to live on my own in an apartment. So I wonder where would I go.
Like Dr. Phil has said so many times that he would rather live in a tent if that is what it took. That takes a lot of courage to do, and I have pretty much done that in the past. I have lived on the edge, going to the food bank, just existing day to day, watching TV or playing games my only entertainment. Not able to see my grandchildren who only live across town, because I didn't have bus fare to get there and my daughter doesn't drive.
I have had the courage to get out on my own before, when a relationship with my mate was toxic, I have struck out on my own a few time in my fifty-three years of living. But I do have the courage now to face the many hurdles I will have to face. Firstly even if I had somewhere to go, there is nowhere except perhaps subsidized housing, and there is no telling how long that would take. The waiting lists are long. Then I face having to move my things all alone, I still have most of my possessions from the apartment I left to live with my mate, (Wayne.) Freud ism I am sure. I also did not want to end up with nothing if this current relationship did not work.
It is next to impossible to plan an escape, because he keeps close tabs on where I go and what I do. So the secrecy needed to plan to leave makes it almost impossible to network and get information to me of resources that can help. No phone calls can come to our house or messages left here from resource people or advocates who could assist me. I have not a friend here in town who can do it for me either. I feel so stuck.
Another thing that impedes my progress is my disabilities. I have physical limitations that do not allow me to be as vital as I need to be in order to make it all come together, and even if I did I wonder how I could do it on my disability pension which is $500.00 am month. I feel so stuck.
So any suggestions on what I could tell myself that would help me make it through one day to the next, would be appreciated.
My authentic self is screaming to get out. For almost three years I tried to play it his way, to be more like what he needs me to be. I did nothing with myself. No more volunteer work. No more going to the gym. No more seeing my life long friend Richard, because he is a man. No more charity work, I am not allowed to pursue what I call my free lance missionary work because of course some people in need will be men. In the past four years I have gone from a trim 137 pounds to an out of shape 170 lbs. I have come out of the dungeon enough that I am exercising more, but sometimes get discouraged because the active I get the more physical pain I suffer because of my physical limitations.
The physical limitations I am talking about are congenital spine curvature, and side effects from several surgeries. I also deal with depression, and have come to realize that I have all my life. And this emotional depression which I live every day, by being with a mate who would like me more if I was who he wants me to be, instead of liking or loving me for myself. But I like myself. I think I am good people. I mourn the person I used to be, the person I really am.
I do see a counsellor, and it helps. I have learned some coping skills for living with chronic pain. And I have learned some coping skills to deal with living in the clutches of a controlling person.
I have asked Wayne to see a counsellor with me. He came once with me to my counsellor, who I wanted to recommend a marriage counsellor for Wayne and I. At the end of the appointment my counsellor took me aside and told me that from what he could see Wayne is so stuck in his way of thinking that he would not recomment a counsellor because it would be to no avail. Just as well anyway. Wayne thought the counsellor was on my side and against him. He is not willing to see another counsellor and he sure as heck would never appear on the Dr. Phil show. One factor being that he is well known in this town and no way would he air his dirty laundry on national television. Not only that, he would hold no credence to what Dr. Phil said unless of course Dr. Phil agreed with him. So counselling this relationship is out of the question. A waste of time.
Some days I am stronger than others, but I am finding it very hard to find hope amidst the adversity. I think to myself how much longer can I do this. What good am I to this world, what am I contributing.
What for?? I ask myself constantly, what for?
Again y'all, any suggestion as to what I can tell myself to make it through another day are welcome.
The following is a poem I found that describes exactly how I feel. I could have written it myself. Yes I am a poet too. Another thing I have given up.
Eileen.
Christina Rossetti (1830–1894)
A Daughter of Eve
A fool I was to sleep at noon,
And wake when night is chilly
Beneath the comfortless cold moon;
A fool to pluck my rose too soon,
A fool to snap my lily.
My garden-plot I have not kept;
Faded and all-forsaken,
I weep as I have never wept:
Oh it was summer when I slept,
It's winter now I waken.
Talk what you please of future spring
And sun-warm'd sweet to-morrow:—
Stripp'd bare of hope and everything,
No more to laugh, no more to sing,
I sit alone with sorrow.
