Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

It is kind of getting late now, I'll talk next week.  Keep broadening your horizon!   

Taemanai 

With the naming of PIG PEN, I finally had reached the goal I given myself back in the early 90's when I was in an English 103 class - I had to read poems of death, of incest, of sucide.  Wouldn't have been too bad, but at that time, summers always bought on suicide behaviors because I was molested in the summer of my 8th year.  But my belief that if I took my own life and left unfinished business here, I would return to this plane and it would be 10x worse.  So I made a commitment to tackle why I got depressed in the summer.   

I spent years journaling, tracking, experimenting.  It didn't take me long to realize that as a non-sweater and living in an area of high humity and 90 degree weather in August that my biggest problem was I needed to get Central Air.  I did that the summer of "1999".  I actually had to leave a relationship because the man just didn't understand that I needed it to live.  But I did manage to get an air conditioner for my window and I lived in my livingroom the summer of 1998.  With me getting Central Air, I was able to challenge my pattern.  I finally did that last summer - it took a little longer because of the life events that occurred in 1999 that took me so far off-track. 

But in 2004, when I committed to using the tools in Self Matters, I was able to finally start tackling the thoughts that I had written during those depressing times.  I didn't like what I saw, I didn't like that I was the reason my life was in shambles. 

With the naming of PIG PEN, I have finally named what / how I thought.  I've known about it cause it's a pattern.  But I just didn't know how to feel it / touch it so I could name it.  Once I did, I knew that it was time for me to stop the SELF-FIXING and move on out. 

Yesterday, I wrote in my on-line journal that it was time to move forward. That I had reached the point where I could return to the crazy life around me and climb on board.  I gave myself 8 months to emerce myself into tackling my thoughts and to challenge them.  I did that.  I knew that when it came to summer time, the "suicide" feeling would emerge - but it wasn't suicide anymore - it was something I had created as a child because I couldn't talk, couldn't understand, or do anything to defend myself against the events/people in my life. 

The naming has released me - I've not suffered a manic episode in years. I learned to watch out for them and learned that I need a simple life style.  That corporations & large businesses were too much for me to deal with.  That being a homemaker and working part time was what I needed.  I accept that because it really does work for me. 

Now that I've finally understood the depression side of my illness, I now have the necessary tools to deal with it.  Especially as it's been years since I've laid in bed and cried / bemoan my life.   

Journaling was the biggest tool that helped me understand what I was experiencing & it helped me to see the patterns my life / thoughts were in.  Self Matters was the tool that helped me to analyze what I was thinking and why.  It taught me to understand who I was at the different ages I lived.  I taught me to stop hating myself for being EVIL - cause no 8 year old is evil - it was just words I lived to for over 40+ years. 

Yesterday morning, I wrote that I was ready to get back into the world again in my online diary.  I went and applied for a part-time position at K-Mart (it's mindless job - I don't need to create a process/procedure, or documents, or be a project coordinator - I can go to work and do my job and come home). 

Yesterday afternoon, my mom called to tell me that my sister's cancer has come back (her left breast was removed last October) and they want her to get a hysteromy ASAP - but her life dream has been to go to Hawaii -- which is scheduled for 9/22/05.  That means her operation will be in October. 

I've so proud of myself for taking the time to do SELF MATTERS cause Dr. Phil is just so right!  If I hadn't done it, I wouldn't be there for her NOW.  I feel different, I'm acting proactively.  I'm thinking NOW - and I'm doing NOW.  Before, I would be lost in self-pity, blame, shame, guilt - whatever and not be there for her. 

but you want to know what the kicker is?  Her words for the last few years has been:  I KNOW I'M GOING TO DIE.  Doesn't that sound very much like my own words I said about me?  And her work life is just as bad as mine was & her relationship with her hubby is just as abusive as mine was.   

But I can hear her now.  I'm not busy with me anymore - cause I'm living my life 24/7. 

I'm not sure if I can help her - but I can stand by her.  I'm really glad that I gave myself the 8 months to discover who I am inside - to forgive - to learn - to practice - to finally be able to be the sister, friend, daughter, co-worker that doesn't hurt people just because she can. 

I'm not sure if I will be posting to this particular board anymore.  But I will keep up my online diary.  It's helping me because I need to be upfront about what's going on in my life.  My posts here are just too intense for most folks - there I can be as intense and a open as I need to be so I can work things out. 

Please pray for my sister. 

Hi , My corner of the world is full of sunshine one day , rain the next . I have read some of things you have posted , You touched my heart deeply with Your feelings . Every time I am down , And it seems there is no one around , My tears flow like a stream , As the emptiness grows - Darkness seems to be a companion . Yet ! I keep telling myself that No matter what is set before me . I will overcome it . Because I choose to do so . Let me tell You right now that You are a very bright and intelligent , with a gift - that will lead You to many lighted roads . You have the most beautiful and thoughtful ways of showing your feeling . Keep moving forward , You can do what ever You set out to do . Until next week - With Love - Lynn   

Your sister has someone special to be with during a very difficult time. I will keep you both in my prayers. I will miss you on this board. I have been able to gain so much from your willingnes to share and I wish to thank you. I have personal NEVER perceived you as "too intense" in your postings. Are you sure that "too intense" is accurate with the others, here.  

After all, I'm usually the one who drops the UNTHINKABLE life bombs on the board. Really hoping that I don't just blow people away with the INTENSE experiences that I have posted.   

I sure hope you will check in once in a while and let us know how you're doing. I will miss you. However, you have to do what YOU need to do right now.  

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  

Brenda  

Hi Brenda, thank you for your kind words - right now, I'm running 24/7 and for me that's intense - it's like I just can't stop -- but I have too -- I really do need a breather.   I've been pushing myself really hard since last summer (2004) to get myself together when I finally had to admit that I created the world that surrounds me.  Luckily, I realized early on that everyone so just so screwed up that they wouldn't notice that I had gotten off the ride. In fact, can you believe that my boss actually forgot I existed for long periods of time until I surfaced on her radar.   

Right now, I have to re-enter the world and it's gonna be hard for me cause I'm so comfortable not participating.  But I want a part-time job, I want to call my old friends, and I want to use my new knowledge with people that enter or in my life.   

I want to explore "pattern" reading ...  I've been tracking my mom & my girlfriend/sister and I want to see how right I am.  It's part of the validation experiment I'm developing.  I really do want to see if I'm right about what I'm seeing in others cause then I know that I'm right on with me. 

And Brenda, I'm not sure if my posts are going to make much sense to folks now.   But I will continue to read the boards until they go nuts - I expect that by the 2nd week of the NEW DR. PHIL Shows, this website will be unidated.   

But you can send me an email if you like if you would like to talk about stuff.  my email address is:  myb4242@yahoo.com.   

Also, the WLC Rockport Library Support Group is starting back up and can you believe it's going to be my 5-6th time reading that damn book!  I'm not sure I can do it anymore.  I've mastered Keys 1, 2, 3, & 4.  I'm working on 5 & 6 and 7 - well, I got that one mastered as well. 

Take care.... 

And we get to decipher what that is.  I am learning that wisdoms come in many ages.   

As I read your posts, I find a reference to a map.  A life map is such a wonderful tool!  My boyfriend/mate and I were discussing goals, and how they are much like maps.  We see where we are, put the proverbial "X", and then we mark where we want to be.  How we get there, however, is just a detail that works out as we go along.  Often there are many ways to reach the same destination.  Freeway is usually the most direct, yet often not very picturesque.  Sometimes we can find side roads that take us through the interesting places, yet are smooth.  Then we can take the back roads, which can be rough, hard to navigate through, yet almost always with a spectacular view.  Each way of reach the goal is right, yet maybe not each way is right for each individual.   

I triage my goals and decide my routes based upon the urgency I place upon them.  I have only one goal right now that I feel requires the "freeway", the rest are back-road types of goals.  I want to know my path intimately, and I want to fill it with interesting people, and I want to hear the music as I go along. 

Teri 

Brenda, 

In a situation such as this, you have a few choices on how to react, interact and act.  I suppose the first choice, and usually the least confrontational, is humor.  You could always interrupt your own conversation with a demonic possessed voice saying "GET BACK!!! SHE'S MINE!!!"  I also found that picking pretend bugs off of my clothing would cause people to pause and increase the personal space between us.   

Humor is all and good, yet if you want to be taken seriously, or if you feel threatened by the behavior this guy put out there, then directness .  What would be wrong with saying, "I need you to finish building my home.  I have no interest in any relationship with you other than professional."  If it goes further, is he really the guy you need to finish your house?  I don't know the particulars here, yet often there are others who are willing to be professional.   

Now, to address your comment of " I'm NOT an attractive person."  Obviously you are, or men would not come on to you.  You may not believe you are, yet what you see as not attractive may be to someone else.  I am a redhead.  Most men do not find redheads attractive.  That does not mean I am not, though.  Of course, it doesn't mean I am either....hmmm.  Anyway, my point is this, whether or not you believe yourself to be attractive does not mean that you are not attractive to someone.   

Did you ever consider that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, as the men are coming on to YOU???  You are not encouraging it.  Some people have no desire to keep their commitments, or their agreements.  This is not under your control.   

In the world of 12 step programs, there is a saying.  There are three things we have no control over....People, places and things.  You only have control over yourself.  If you are not coming off as flirtatious, and you are not encouraging this kind of behavior, then realize it "isn't your deal", so to speak.  Not much you can do about it other than let them know it is not OK to bring their deal your way.   

I don't know if this helps, yet it seems you are taking responsibility for something you have no control over, which is just not necessary, you know?  (smile)  Accept the ego stroke of someone flirting with you and then hone those A** kicking skills and understand you are a better person for it.   

Good luck, 

Teri