Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

 Kiaora...

  I understand how you must feel.  I was in a marriage /relationship for 22yrs... My husband and i have 3 beautiful chldrn.  I had an abusive relationship with him.. physically, and more mentally..  He was aa drug addict, had a very good paying job, and then became self employed.. I had always worked, even after having all the children... accounts for the phone, rental properties, power etc were always in my name... and i paid for Everything!!  We are now divorced, and thats because one day i'd come home from work and my car was repossessed bcoz he hadn't been payin  the bill... i'd seen alot of change in him, he became self centred cruel and manipulative, i guess that day changed me, and i what i decided i deserved for my chldrn and i!   Life is too short for worrying.. worry is a killer, it destroys who we are as people... we become angry bitter people... i don't know if you have chldrn.. if you do don't just stick around because of them.. We as women are strong .. we do survive.. I am happy, and you know what, having put up the boundaries with the kids dad... we are great mates!  Something we never had before!  Good Luck to you ...don't leave it too long ... the longer you leave it.. the older we get... You deserve happiness... kia kaha (means, Stay Strong in Maori)  xx Jody

Thank you for your reply.  I know everything always works out in the end.

I am 32 almost 33 years old,, and i still don't know if i am "pretty" or "worthy" or anything,, i was married once, i have 2 wonderful kids but,, i'm lost on myself. You see i was born missing my right ear, kidney desease and other troubles. I have surgery scars on my abdomen from numerous kidney operations so wearing anything that shows "skin" in that area i wont do,, my hair is usually down because i don't like people looking at my head, i wont smile i have very crooked teeth and i still break out in pimples so even that makes my face "unpretty". I havn't had a "date" or a real relationship in almost 4 yrs. the divorce was 7 yrs ago,,, but thats another topic aint it? i hardly ever leave the house anymore,, i just "don't care" about the outside world any longer because no one really "cares" about me (i think.).  when i do go out,, getting assisted in stores is non-existant, i know i aint "catch the eye" pretty but ,,,,have manners and peoples views on how a person is supposed to look or dress define how we are as a customer in a store or restaurant?  Thats probably one of the reasons i don't go anywhere anymore.

I hear you.  I'm 20 years old, overweight, crooked teeth and wild hair.  I have a rare degenerative disease that slowly cripples the joints, and slows healing; so I have bony crooked fingers and some pretty nasty scars.  I have often wondered what other people are thinking about me, do they see me as freakish or ugly? Then I realized that I didn't care.  It doesn't matter what other people think of you. Why do the uniformed opinions of other stop you from living the life you want to live? no matter what you do or how you look, there will always be someone who's got a problem with it.  I may not be a cover girl either, but I am a beautiful person, and I think you are too.... if you let yourself be a beautiful person

 I know you are going through some hard times, but think of all of the hardships you have already endured and overcome. You had no control over being put up for adoption and who adopted you. Many of us share a similar fate at the hands of those who give birth to us, at least you don't have to wonder if you share the same genes as these people. I'm not making light of your harrowing experiences with them, I'm pointing out a fact.
That someone within this family abused you is disgraceful, but that nobody believed you or took your side is even more so. That you stood up to them and left them when they showed no regard or loyalty to you shows a strength and inner regard that few of us have at such a tender age. This is a trait of the authentic self, to hold yourself important enough not to let others abuse you.
Same goes for your decision to leave your husband when he displayed abusive tendencies towards you. The fact that you remain in contact indicates that you have a forgiving and compassionate nature, that you are willing to give him a second chance, but not endure further abuse while he decides if he's going to pull his head out. This also indicates that you listen to your better and higher self. You have accepted that we can only change ourselves, and we can only influence others but not change them. If he does not decide to work on his anger and controlling attitude, this is not your fault. It is his, and also his loss. All you can do is point him in the right direction and hope the best for him.
We all want acceptance, approval, and love. But the first one we need to accept and love is ourselves. You have done this. You are such a strong person!  If you find it difficult to stay in therapy, there are  books out there that help. My personal recommendation is SELF MATTERS, but there are many. You may want to try to find a support group in your area.
My very best wishes to you and for your future.

 You're not clear on who had the numerous affairs or drug addiction, but I'm going to assume it was your husband since you lumped these behaviors in with being last on his "important" list.
I have a question for you: if you have put up with this treatment for 21 years, what is your own opinion of yourself?
Please don't read this defensively. I'm not trying to make you mad, I'm trying to point out one of Dr Phil's Life Laws at work here. He states that you teach people how to treat you. What this means in your case is that since you let him get away with treating you this way all these years he has no respect for you and will probably continue to act this way. The deeper question is why would YOU let him treat you this way? Do you think you deserve it?
Before you definitely decide to leave him, you need to work on your personal issues. If you leave him with your self esteem and regard in such tatters, you will likely hook up with the same sort or worse. It is imperative that you take a look at who you have become and use the tools and advice available to get into a stronger frame of mind before making any life changing decisions. This help can be through counseling or books. Make a decision that you are going to stop counting on him to supply you with the emotional support you need and supply it for yourself.

 Somebody thought you were pretty enough and worthy enough to marry at one time. Yes, you were born with challenges. Yes, you have ongoing challenges that get you down, but there are some things you can do. I'm 49 years old and wear braces on my teeth. I sometimes wish I would have opted for false teeth when I found out that was my two options, but I've taken care of my teeth for many years and didn't wish to lose them. You see more and more adults with braces these days.
 I too had adult acne. Read the labels on facial creams and cleansers, look for ones containing salicylic acid and stay away from sugar. (The misnomer is chocolate causes pimples, it's really the sugar.) But these are just surface fixes, real beauty shines from within.
You lament that you haven't had a date in almost 4 years, but you say that you don't go anywhere. Well... you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. Get out more, go places with friends, or make some new friends so that you CAN get out more.
I wish you all the best, I know how scary it can be.

 Yes, you are a beautiful person.
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

When I turned 33, I had an abdominal surgery that left me with an ostomy (a bag to hold poop hanging off my tummy). I have had rheumatoid arthritis most of my adult life and I have crooked knobby hands and feet.  I still go everywhere and live my life-I have sex (often-yeah!) and I even think I'm sexy.  Your "disabilities" aren't causing you problems, your wrong thinking is causing you problems. 

  

If you look at what you DO have instead of what you don't have, you will realize the difference in value.  You have some surface scars on you abdomen but in exchange your health improved-right? Which is more important? 

  

You sound like you might be clinically depressed (you don't leave the house or care about the outside world).  I understand what you are going through.  I had counseling in group sessions with other women who had disfiguring surgery-breasts removed, amputations-we were a real bunch! What I learned from them and myself was that our physical bodies don't create our beauty-our spirits do.  Maybe talk to your physician about post surgical counseling? 

I have been in your shoes too many times, even though I thought I had removed myself from what I thought, was causing the tears!!  Make your decision with God in control, the road may be troubled, to get you to that point, but sometimes God places us in positions, unknown to us, and it is actually His purpose to allow us to grow! We can't see the forest for the trees, but take the time, listen to the whispers, God is Blessing You as you sit! Change the day, find a quiet moment in time, for YOU! I feel that my life at this point is down to; "One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, and sometimes one minute, to each second of time", I call on God's Angel's to help me through my daily life! He helps me as  I am going through my days! At this moment I am not crying, yesterday I was, each day is a decision, sometimes, the moments or memories of a past time cause tears! I listen to the song, at times, (sorry I do not know who sings it) "Calling All Angels", this song has brought tears many times, as well as bringing me through some deep sorrows! Love yourself, once you love who you are, you will be able to see, who, what, is causing the tears! If you are staying in a relationship that is causing so much pain, you must re-evaluate your relationship. Your relationship with yourself, may be the one causing you so much pain! If getting help is not easy or refused, if a relationship with someone you feel is causing you the pain, perhaps it can't be helped! May God give you His Comfort of His Arms,  holding you, lifting you from the burdens of everyday life! God has carried me many times, it is when I forget that He is in charge! I end up in tears! God's Peace to you!