Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Defining Your Authentic Self

ritehere

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chillin'

August 28, 2005, 8:33 am PDT

Why are YOU doing something wrong?

Quote From: blgspc

I need to reclaim my power, ya’ll!!!!

Yesterday, I realized that I was LIVING a Dr. Phil Show re-run- for both my life and the show that aired. While trying to speak to someone I’ve known for a relatively short period of time, now and ONLY on serious business matters, this man starts FLIRTING! At first I thought it was just me. So, I continued to speak to this individual about business in a more SERIOUS manner, which became increasingly difficult. HE kept insisting that I NOT call him ‘mister’ but by his first name, speaking to me with ‘endearing’ comments which I tried to work around until he came out and said that he would be willing to DRIVE a flooring sample from the beach THREE hours to where I now live!!! Then, “Brenda, is there someone, ‘special’ in your life right now?” That’s when it HIT me. So, I asked him WHERE he was going with THIS “BUSINESS” conversation! SO, HE TOLD ME!!! According to HIM, He says that he is legally separated. NOT EVEN AN AVAILABLE!!!!!! @$%*!?&%#!!!@?#%&#$!!!!!

Well….I just had to BITE my tongue rather than say, “Would you excuse me, just a moment? I need to step into the downstairs bathroom just to be sure that I didn’t ACCIDENTIALLY get a SCARLET LETTER stuck to MY FRONT while we were talking!!!!” Honestly! I suppose if I didn’t desperately need him to just FINISH building my HOME I would have just gone for the JUGULAR! This is like the third time in about two years that I’ve been approached by men who KNOW that I KNOW that they are in a committed relationships!!! I’m NOT an attractive person. Also, I DO NOT conduct myself in a manner that could even remotely be perceive as flirtatious. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH WHAT I’M DOING!!!

I‘LL JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH. That I JUST want him to finish my house and that MADNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY!!!!!!!!

Brenda

Brenda, cut yourself some slack. These guys are the ones doing something wrong, don't you think? And I would hazard a guess that you're not the only one they try this with. When we are hit on this way, we women have a tendency to 1.) Think the cad is joking, 2.)Think he's "just flirting", 3.)Didn't really mean it. You see, most women are stuck in their reality, and can't perceive that some men are just jerks, with no feelings or brains. We are too kind because we wouldn't THINK of hitting on someone if we are in a committed relationship or they are. Get over it, there are some real slow learners out there Brenda. All you have to do is tell them "Stow it, or I'll tell your wife what you're up to." Cheats want nothing to do with someone who will broadcast their activities. Of course, you'll gain all kinds of new nicknames from him and his ilk, but who cares?
You're not the one who needs to change their behavior, you're not married. You can be as alluring and seductive and interesting as you want to be.

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marcia52

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August 28, 2005, 8:36 am PDT

Brenda , it could be you...

Quote From: blgspc

I need to reclaim my power, ya’ll!!!!

Yesterday, I realized that I was LIVING a Dr. Phil Show re-run- for both my life and the show that aired. While trying to speak to someone I’ve known for a relatively short period of time, now and ONLY on serious business matters, this man starts FLIRTING! At first I thought it was just me. So, I continued to speak to this individual about business in a more SERIOUS manner, which became increasingly difficult. HE kept insisting that I NOT call him ‘mister’ but by his first name, speaking to me with ‘endearing’ comments which I tried to work around until he came out and said that he would be willing to DRIVE a flooring sample from the beach THREE hours to where I now live!!! Then, “Brenda, is there someone, ‘special’ in your life right now?” That’s when it HIT me. So, I asked him WHERE he was going with THIS “BUSINESS” conversation! SO, HE TOLD ME!!! According to HIM, He says that he is legally separated. NOT EVEN AN AVAILABLE!!!!!! @$%*!?&%#!!!@?#%&#$!!!!!

Well….I just had to BITE my tongue rather than say, “Would you excuse me, just a moment? I need to step into the downstairs bathroom just to be sure that I didn’t ACCIDENTIALLY get a SCARLET LETTER stuck to MY FRONT while we were talking!!!!” Honestly! I suppose if I didn’t desperately need him to just FINISH building my HOME I would have just gone for the JUGULAR! This is like the third time in about two years that I’ve been approached by men who KNOW that I KNOW that they are in a committed relationships!!! I’m NOT an attractive person. Also, I DO NOT conduct myself in a manner that could even remotely be perceive as flirtatious. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH WHAT I’M DOING!!!

I‘LL JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH. That I JUST want him to finish my house and that MADNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY!!!!!!!!

Brenda

Brenda, it sounds like the guy who put my siding on my home. He actually kept telling me that I would make the perfect wife! It was so funny cause in the cleaning & cooking department, I suck big time.

I had to think about what was happening because on a couple of occasions men approached me, said something to me & even 1 flexed his muscles at me. But I'm not wanting or needing to get myself into a relationship right now. So I looked at what I was doing - and guess what, it was me! And it really shocked me cause it just wasn't men - it was old folks too.

I found that when I smiled at elderly women, they would talk to me about stuff - then I smiled at women my own age and it happened again. (I stayed away from men because I'm still weak on me and I don't want to have the hormones kick in and wham me to the wall.)

What I realized was that as I found peace within, I was broadcasting it out by my smiles and energy.

Step back and do the same experiment with the elderly. They're lonesome too. If you find that they are connecting to you then it's a sure sign that you are moving towards a peaceful self. (Word of warning, that guy took something like 8 weeks to finish up on my home. but he finally got it - I'm not interested. I told him that I had gotten out of an alcholic relationship and that I wasn't interested in getting involved right now with anyone. I had a lot of damage to undo. I repeated it and repeated it and he finally got it. And that was the first for me!)

And do yourself a favor, sit down and write out a list of what you are looking for in a relationship and what you are not. That helped me when the siding guy approached me. My list of what I'm looking for feels a page now - I'll be adding more later. I'm not sure I want to be in a long term relationship - 14.5 years living with a man who became an alcholic has made me really leery. I have to be a whole lot surer of me.

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blgspc

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August 28, 2005, 12:55 pm PDT

Thanks, Ritehere, Teri, Marcia!!!!

Ya know, I spent time thinking about this. I mean here I am a 50 year old female, trying to be polite to someone who is crossing MAJOR boundaries! What WAS I thinking.?!?! I did feel FOOLISH because I really, at the time, became perplexed and a bit ill at ease with this guy. I really do want him to FINISH my house. I think that he’s just desperate right now. Instead of just saying, “Oh, I see…” I’m going to be telling this guy that I ONLY NEED him to FINISH my house. Nothing more; that our relationship is strictly about business, period! I will be using my ‘NO NONSENSE’ verbiage! I LOVE Teri’s suggestions of pretending to pick bugs off yourself! (LOL) And, using that ‘demon possession ’ voice! Love it! Love it!!

However, this situation did give me some food for thought. I came to realize that if this guy was someone else, available and someone I also found attractive and even interested in, I would have probably encountered the same problem. I just don’t think of people as sexual beings and it shows because my best friends and my twin sister have ALL teased me about it. It REALLY does take a solid stone wall falling on me in these sort of situations, before I ‘get it’. Once many years ago this repair man kept injuring himself and would come to the Infirmary and quietly ask for me. He declined all the other RN’s offers to clean him up and bandage him. They ALL teased me. I just said, “Oh, ya’ll he’s just a little quirky that’s all!” My supervisor just shook her head saying sadly, “That poor man. He’s probably going to lose half his blood supply, waiting on Brenda to notice that he ain’t JUST coming up here for injuries.”

So, I suppose that it’s a GOOD thing that I will be resuming my work on ’Self Matters’ tomorrow.

Thanks All!

Brenda

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blgspc

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embarrassed

August 28, 2005, 1:42 pm PDT

You're Right...

Quote From: ritehere

Brenda, cut yourself some slack. These guys are the ones doing something wrong, don't you think? And I would hazard a guess that you're not the only one they try this with. When we are hit on this way, we women have a tendency to 1.) Think the cad is joking, 2.)Think he's "just flirting", 3.)Didn't really mean it. You see, most women are stuck in their reality, and can't perceive that some men are just jerks, with no feelings or brains. We are too kind because we wouldn't THINK of hitting on someone if we are in a committed relationship or they are. Get over it, there are some real slow learners out there Brenda. All you have to do is tell them "Stow it, or I'll tell your wife what you're up to." Cheats want nothing to do with someone who will broadcast their activities. Of course, you'll gain all kinds of new nicknames from him and his ilk, but who cares?
You're not the one who needs to change their behavior, you're not married. You can be as alluring and seductive and interesting as you want to be.

I just have WAY TOO many insecurities about stuff like this! And, I'm too passive or neutral when I'm really wanting, in my personal life, to say, "No way Buster!" THUS, I WILL HAVE TO SUCCESSFULLY FINISH 'SELF MATTERS' BEFORE I CAN CONSIDE BEING ALLURING, SEDUCTIVE OR INTERESTING.

Thanks, Brenda

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carol_

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August 28, 2005, 2:34 pm PDT

Dianevj

Quote From: dianevj

That is terrific, 57 pounds, way to go. I also went out and bought the "Self Matter's" book, I had to read it from front to back, and now just starting to get down to serious business. I have also been a people pleaser, go along to get along, but no more, now it's about me, I will not be selfish but I will look after myself. I joined Weight Watcher's a long time ago, and had great success, got myself down to 133 lbs, I was looking good, but it/I failed because I was doing it for someone else. Anyway, enough of that. I could stand to lose 20 to 40 lbs right now. Twenty pounds I would be very happy, forty pounds would be like eat your heart out baby. I think if I lost 40 pounds I would feel like skin and bones. But no, I'm a little bit over weight, I need to tone the flab, oh my god, I have flab, I just admitted that I have flab. It hides so well inside my clothes. Anyway Carol, I am very proud of you losing 57 pounds, and I hope you are just as proud of yourself, it sounds like you are. I will look for your posts here on the board and we should keep each other updated how we are doing, if you want to. Take care.

Hi Diane, Sorry I didn't see your reply till now. Thanks for your comments. I know exactly how you feel. I would like to loose at least another 50 or so pounds. Be proud of yourself to, you seem to have things under control as well. I'm just going slow and trying to do it right this time. I would love to keep in touch and see how your doing. I know we can do this........

Take Care, Carol :)

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grub48

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Good

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August 28, 2005, 3:43 pm PDT

The Real Aim

This weekend my wife asked me a question and it went something like this:

"If you could have one thing in the whole world what would it be?"

Well the answer took less than 20 seconds to come to me. I replied

"To have an enduring sense and feeling of peace"

I believe that if we have truly found what Dr Phil calls our authentic self then we have that sense and feeling. If we are true to and within our self then the world can be welcome but does not afflict us with its sham and drudgery because we can move on through and with it all.

The morning brings a new day full of possibility and wonder - fill the day - each of its moments - with anything at all - the experience and beauty is yours to define

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longstory

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Peaceful

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August 28, 2005, 5:04 pm PDT

Self Matters August 29

We either make outselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.

--Carlos Casteneda

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teri_id

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August 29, 2005, 7:08 am PDT

A resounding Amen

Quote From: longstory

We either make outselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.

--Carlos Casteneda

We put out more effort than we realize creating our own situations. How amazing it would be if we consciously directed that effort towards creating the ideal situation for ourselves?

Teri

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teri_id

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August 29, 2005, 7:19 am PDT

A Quandary

I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.

I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away. I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home. I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m. Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking. This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.

I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not. The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought. This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.

He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry. Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes. I don't know. I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing. I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up. The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt. This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.

He has been distancing himself also. I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to. I don't know. I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him. Wow. Relationships are not my strong suit.

I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective. I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part. Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out. I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks everyone.

Teri

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michelyne5

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Depressed

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August 29, 2005, 8:58 am PDT

Hi Teri,

Quote From: teri_id

I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.

I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away. I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home. I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m. Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking. This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.

I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not. The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought. This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.

He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry. Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes. I don't know. I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing. I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up. The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt. This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.

He has been distancing himself also. I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to. I don't know. I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him. Wow. Relationships are not my strong suit.

I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective. I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part. Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out. I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks everyone.

Teri

I read your message in disbelieve . Why would your husband acuse you of having drink. I guess is looking for a way to start a argument. Did you think that maybe he is just unhappy not going with you and it is his way to make you feel bad. And why the distrust in his eyes , there is no reason to suspect someone of drinking if that someone hasn't been drinking.

You said that he is distancing from you and vice versa maybe it is time for the both of you to play fair and square and say what is on your mind you will feel alot better to make everything open .

You have every reason to feel hurt by him for the way he treats you , there is no reason of accusing someone of a fault not commited.

I wish you clarity with this matter and with your relationship. Take care and try to find serenity.

Friendship Lyne

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