Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Your deepest need?  Your most personal motivation that noone else shares in this world.  Your own purpose in life?  That you've substituted something for something deeper and that is not bringing you the health and happiness that you want?  That is so difficult that means sacrificing each day, not living properly, because without what you really thing that you deserve?  That which is a constant companion that reflects your true self, like a shadow that tells you that you're there but is not as accurate?  That is both a burden and something that you need?  (this is rhetorical jargon but a familiar experience) 

  

All for now 

  

Taemanai 

Hi,   

This is my first time writing.  I am looking for support in uncovering my authentic self and for how to stop taking care of people.   

   

I was second-born in a family of five children.  My parents were narcissistic and violent.  We were told we were geniuses and better than other kids, and were pressured to excel and achieve huge careers and successes.   

   

I was the "creative one".  I was a childhood prodigy at playing classical piano.  I began to rebel as a teenager and eventually left this path behind.  I never found another one.   

   

My older sister was a tyrant in our family.  Today she is one of 3 women doctors in her field, in the entire world.  My parents were cowed by her and devoted all of their resources and energy to her, while still pressuring the rest of us to excel.   I was groomed to support her.  Even though I have long "divorced" her from my life I am still programmed to assist her in her life.   To this day, when I hear an alarm clock go off I awake panicked with the thought "I must get (her name) up and going!"  

   

I realize that my deep unconscious mind is still making supporting her life my own life's goal, and it sucks.  

   

Since my parents were often raging and violent, and I am naturally a nurturing person, I also took on the responsibility of raising my younger siblings and protecting them, daily.   

   

My mother came to me for counselling starting when I was 12 or 13, so here is another place where I created a pattern of unhealthy caretaking.  

   

I can't seem to find a different way of being in the world, except to lay the groundwork for change.   

   

I am currently a married mother of two boys, aged 8 and 12.  We are a very happy family without raging, violence, or narcissism.  We truly enjoy each other.  My husband is loving and supportive of me.  All is lined up for me to find my self and fulfill myself - except my own behavior and thought patterns.   

   

How do I get started?  The only thing I wanted to be as a child was a "movie star".  I seem to have a lot of musical talent and I enjoy singing.  I am 48 years old and not unattractive, but now about 20 pounds overweight.  Prior to my marriage and weight gain I was considered extremely attractive by many, but I have let myself go.  I am starting to regain my looks and body, but it has been very hard and uncomfortable for me emotionally.   

   

I basically feel that I have no life or identity other than that as a mother of my boys, which is a happy and good role for me but limiting.  I take on part-time jobs that are boring to me and lead nowhere, and I don't know where to begin discovering my authentic self or how to support it.   

   

Wow, I have written so much!  Thanks in advance for reading all of this.  I am embarrassed now and worry that no one will answer!   

   

May my sharing be of benefit.   

 I loved this quote. My current husband taught me to be more patient. As we grow older it seems I have to teach it back to him. ha ha
When I read your comments on people using abusive situations as a catalyst for change, I wondered if it was a personal observation, or a general one from what you see around you or something you read. You don't have to answer that if it makes you uncomfortable.
Sadly, humans DO seem to need some kind of event to happen to goad us into doing something different.  I always remembered a quote I heard once, sorry I don't recall who said it first: A smart person learns from his or her mistakes. A wise person learns from the mistakes of others.
Take care of your health Belinda, you have many more options in life when you have your health.

 Why do you think you are embarrassed?
It sounds like you were asked to take on roles as a child that were inappropriate for your years. I'm curious about who you want to stop taking care of: your mother? sister?siblings?husband? children?
I'm assuming it's your mother or sister or both.
I'm also assuming that you don't actually care for them on a daily basis but your anxiety springs from some inner obligation that you feel, your "programming."
Reading SELF MATTERS plugs you into your inner dialogue, and how these personal tapes and perspectives got started. You will understand yourself like never before. After he introduces you to your thought processes, he shows you how you can change them. Give it a try. This board is support for those that are in the process. It's not the easiest book and I can almost guarantee that you will have to do it a chapter at a time, but its very rewarding.

But you cannot hide in your work. Sooner or later the heavy work load will ease up, and you will be confronted with your choices. Or maybe your husband will force a decision on you. Either way, you will need to allow some time to think of what is best for you. Since you are an RN you may have access to good counselors? Have you tried this or thought about it? Most of the time those answers don't come to us, we have to reach for them.
Be well.

greetings to you, and apparently you are bored as your spelling errors regarding how boring your life is! If you ventured out into the real world, looked for a job, you are apparently a professional student, parents covering tuition? If so, continue on with your "5 master degree programs"  you say you have not skipped an interview, and have to drag yourself out of bed! Move your butt to the local shelters, visit with the  homeless Vet's from our Military, visit a V.A. Hospital in your area, people old & new, women's shelters  and animal shelters, see if you are capable to feel life as you stare into faces of those people that have seen and/or been beaten by  the worst of society! You may be surprised at the intelligence you find at the shelters, best way to get a job, is volunteer someplace, since any volunteer position can place you into a field of interest because they deal with every day life!! Being alive is important enough to make a difference in this world! Get a job as being employed is a privilege, it seems, but we all start at low wages, if you are lucky perhaps a little easier in the door for your college courses, but if you are able to be a nice to animals, volunteer to walk the dogs for an animal shelter, or witness the need for puppies and kittens during euthanasia, (due to over population because people that do not take care to spay or neuter their pet!) Life is Boring?, get a life! and start living! (No I do not drink alcohol, or do drugs, I live!) choices we make every day, yes sometimes difficult, but do you know how many people would love the opportunity to go to school and actually be physically able to go to work? Live your life, love your friends and family, all animals, and even the strays that show up! Always remember; Loved one's die, friends no longer with us, Moms & Dads die! Sometimes way to young! I know, I have lost both of mine, when your parents are no longer with you in life, you change!! Your own mortality stares you in the face! Do yourself and others a favor, stop the schooling, enough degrees to hang on your wall, nice to show off, but can't get a job, perhaps you aren't really looking! May God Bless you and Keep you safe, go and experience life in any field, as a volunteer, a great step up to jobs! Get a job, or volunteer, you will always start out at the bottom like everybody else, the  only person to start a job at the top, is a well digger, then is downhill from there!!

I am wife of 22 years and a mother of 2.  The oldest just graduated from high school.  The other child is 16 and just gets her permanent drivers license.  I am feeling like my job is about done.  I am glad and sad at the same time.   

  

Three years ago, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  So far my husband and I are dealing with the problems that go with the disease and I take one day at a time.   

  

My mother lives only 3 miles from us and I haven't talked to her in 11 years.  I have a twin sister who I converse with routinely.  We have a brother who is only 18 months older than us that I don't talk to.  He lives about 10 steps from our mothers back door.  He always was her favorite child.  I am not sure why it bothers me that I don't talk to my mother.   I never felt she was the mother that I should have had.  I would like to get over it.   

  

As a mother, I always tried to correct all of the things that I felt were wrong in my childhood.   I feel that we have 2 successful children up to this point and I don't want to quit now and I hope that my health will let me continue to be the best mother and wife and not disappoint anyone.   

  

I am not sure where myself  as a person fits into this roll.  Everything that I have done for the last 20 years has been for someone else.  How do I start doing something fun for me?  I do have limitations now.  I always thought that when our kids were grown that I could do some of things for myself and now I have this disability and I am starting to feel somewhat cheated. 

  

How do I feel content with my life and what is ahead of me? 

  

I am a 23 year old woman born and living in Australia.   

As a child, my parents divorced and I was the "man of the house". My mother worked a lot and I helped with keeping the household running. It was a role I fell into and graciously accepted by all family members.   

My childhood wasn't desirable or what I wish my children to have, but I was educated and had a roof over my head at all times, despite the circumstances under it.   

   

I live away from all of my family now, leaving the state where all my family are in order to find my authentic self.   

Since moving away almost 4 years ago I have realised only recently, my authentic self has been discovered. Ask anyone of my past and they will tell you I was hard, cold, aggressive and extravert. Instead ask people who know me today and they will tell you instead, that I am a sensitive, caring, open, passive introvert who dressed up in all the other attributes in order to keep that household running smoothly whilst ignoring a childhood that escaped me.    

I'd just like to say that if there is anyone out there worried they are not living the person they were born to be, take the time to look deep into who you are now, how you got there and whether it is who you believe yourself to be. It is so worth the time and emotional journey!   

   

Had I not looked beyond my circumstances, I would still be the 15 year old mother of 3 siblings. I was a wavering girl running entirely on nervous energy and fixing everyone elses' problems to avoid acknowledging my own.   

   

All I can say is now is the time to make up for lost time! I sought counselling, self development and family reconcilliation. I did not want to look back 30 years from now and wonder how my life took advantage of me. I'd like it to be the other way around. I decided to take advantage of my life; use my history to perfect my future and claim back everything I'd lost.   

   

Everyone has a story, and everything comes full circle. Use what has happened to lift you higher, rather than pull you down. I just wanted to share that with people who may be struggling with life issues. It is amazing what can happen when you open yourself to the amazing possibilities!!!  

I signed on to this website fully believing in what your e-mail just said. I have a very similiar childhood as you. I grew up with my mother and two younger sisters. I was forced in to caring for them because my mother was always working. I don't believe I did a very good job, however, we are all very close now and they are both very loving and genuine. I too, moved away to find myself. I am struggling at that. I am not too intellegent and not very creative, my support system is basically non-exsistant. I'm alone. I'd still be alone if I were home. There are just times when I walk into my apartment and I wonder why I am doing this and not with the people that matter most. It gets very hard pushing myself to be succesful and to become somthing. I wouldn't give up my past because it's made me who I am. How do I become when it's just me pushing myself?

Sorry for my english (i'm from a beautiful country in North Africa) 

I'm 37 years old,   

Divorced and i leave with my daughter   

I spend a lot my time in my job which i live it very much, i feel that i do a good work but i'm not satisfied, i want to show more and more , when i was alone i feel that i have nothing  very intersting in my life, only my daughter of course which is the most precious thing in my life , but i'm not satisfied. Some times i think that's beacuse i fail in my marriage, some times i'm afraid to not succeed in my work..........i need to be supported  

i speak with my self all the time, i love to be alone reading ot watching TV,   

why i'm not happy, why it's hard for me to be satisfied in my life, why i need to do more and more.....