Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

There are people who just want to dig an emotional bunker and jump inside. They think if they put up enough walls, they'll always be safe. The irony is that instead of locking others out, they are actually locking themselves in. They may avoid a few things that make life difficult, but in the end, they also miss out on all the wonderful things that make life worth living.  

--Bradley Trevor Grieve   

Teri, I winced when I read your post. I can only imagine how painful that was for you.  

I'm glad you found each other in your relationship! I admire your courage and I appreciate your willingness to share this kind of painful sadness. I think that what you've described is a testament to how you've grown as a human being, just since I've been reading this board.  

While you may not have recovered from the pain of the chaos your ex created in your life, it sounds like you sure have made a big step in that direction!!!!  

Brenda :-)  

Hi Ritehere -- good luck on the job search -- I know that mine has been an exploration so far.  I gave myself until 9/1/05 to just focus on me - to look at who I was and where I was. It was an eye opening time for me.  Especially when I did a cleansing of my home -- I emptied out every closet, went thru every box, bag, & drawer.  I was amazed at what my interests were then.  As I sorted, I realized that I was cleansing myself as well. 

Every application I've put in has had me looking at it ...  Like knowing I don't ever want to go back into the corporate world again. I spent 30+ years sitting at a desk in an office.   It's been pretty interesting as well.   Every week I put in 1 application ...  deal with the internal talk ... it's not too bad ... I really do find it interesting to see if my fears & anxieties take off ... so far, they haven't. 

You take care and please keep us posted.  I plan on checking in at least weekly.  I only post on 3 sites right now.  They are the ones that are helping me stay on track. 

The one thing we can be certain of in this life we all lead is change and as time moves along the tides of fortune dictate many things to each of us. 

For those of us here we have been fortunate to have been blessed by your presence and thoughtfulness - your wisdom has touched and helped many. 

Good luck on the next stage of your life's journey and may the mountains that you climb all afford you a wonderful view of the world around and before you - thank you and come back from time to time to let us all know how the journey is faring 

This is interesting, as it applies to all sorts of choices made in life.   

My boyfriend/mate and I were having a discussion yesterday regarding the property and our future plans for it.  We have discussed turning it into a micro-business and marketing our own brand of salsa.  (We had a fish taco stand a few years ago and the salsa was a GREAT hit.)  We realized that in order to protect crops from the deer, we would have to get a dog.   

Now, I love animals.  I grew up with dogs and cats, I have a deep appreciation for birds, and goats are just wonderful...but I don't want a dog.  I don't want to get attached, and have all of the stuff that goes along with having a dog.   

Pros and cons....deciding if I will "hide" in my "bunker" of fear of loving another pet just to lose it, or will the loving of the pet and the experience of having it be something so worthwhile that I won't want to say no.   When we got our kitty, I was the same way, but the mice were such a problem that we felt we didn't have a choice...as poison is just not our way.  So, now we have an absolutely spoiled sweet little kitty who is temper mental, and plain mental, but knows her people love her and she takes good care of us.  I can't imagine life around here without her...would it be the same with a dog? 

I know this is not near as deep as the quote Longstory has provided, yet I am trying to learn to draw parallels, so my understanding of concepts spread.  I want to be able to apply what I learn across the board, so to speak.   

Teri 

Brenda, 

Thank you for the encouragement.  You are right, I am NOT over the pain caused by my ex, yet everyday I work towards self empowerment so that I don't have to be controlled by him.   

We had been married 11 years.  I had not divorced him earlier because I was afraid of what would happen, plus it is against the religion I was raised in.  He suffers from mental illness and was hospitalized twice when we had been married 7 years.  I really wanted to leave then.  

When I finally could take no more, he had a very hard time accepting it.  In fact, I don't think he has, and we have been divorced about 5 years.  We were emotionally divorced long before that.  We didn't even share a bedroom.   

We owned two houses right next door to each other.  We tried to be neighbors, but it was too much for him.  He ended up putting signs on my windows, constantly watching me, and would go into my house when I wasn't home and take things. It's called stalking.  

Condensed version, I ended up leaving, him having forced me into a situation where I had to leave my kids behind, and I left fearing for my life.  I didn't see my kids for a year, and it almost killed me, literally.   

With my boyfriend's support, encouragement and sometimes insistence, I started to put myself back together.  I got through the suicidal depression and became angry.  I chose to use it well.  A wonderful mentoring program was born of this, as I had to learn how to get back to court on my own and have my rights as a parent reinforced.  I did it and I won.  The kids did not want to move, but we have a good relationship now, and we talk so much and I go see them as often as I can.  They won't come here because of how angry their dad gets when my boyfriend/mate is around.  My ex hates him, even though he doesn't really know anything about him.   Thus, blending the families is not an option right now.  I want it to be, though.   

When we divorced, I lost everything.  My parents have not spoken to me in over 5 years.  My brothers have not as well.  The church I grew up in preached so many good things, yet when I needed them, they did not want to help...so I was alone, devastated and watching my life be destroyed by an angry ex.  I cannot allow that to happen again....thus I must grow and become empowered.  

I appreciate your recognition of my "growth."  I was pretty happy when I realized I caught something before it became a fight or argument.  The healing from talking about it was so good and warm...and complete.  I will work towards continuing this path. 

Thanks again Brenda, 

Teri 

Back in 1991 when I first went suicidal and every summer after that for a couple of years before I could start tackling the triggers, I discovered that the only reason I didn't leave was because of my 4 dogs.  If I left this plane, they would be left with HIM!  In fact, my leaving him and buying this property was because of the abuse they suffered in his hands. 

Now, I'm on another set of 3 (and 4 cats & 1 kitten) - all rescues.  I love them and know that one day they will leave me.   It will hurt but I know that is the way of life.  I even have a cat that's been hit by a car twice now - I know that it's his nature and his choice to go outside and cross the street -- I can't control him.  But I have dealt with it.  I will cry and I will grieve and I will probaly replace him with another rescue that comes to me. 

I say, get a dog. One that doesn't have emotional issues.  That may mean puppy -- check with a no kill shelter to see if they have a litter born there.  Puppies take about 2 years to work out their babyiness - then they settle down.  If you want an older dog, again, check with a no kill shelter or any animal shelter.  Try being a foster parent first.  Or better yet, ask someone to let you babysit there's.   

Puppies require you to take them for a walk whenever they wake up - yep even in the middle of the night.  You walk them and when they go Pee/Doo Doo -- you praise them.  When they are bad, don't focus on it -- focus only on their good behaviors. That way they don't learn to get attention for bad behaviors/habits.   

I have a doggie door -- made my life so much easier and being a single woman - mydogs are great protectors.  I put a lock on my fence as well as the neighborhood kids were playing once and ended up letting my 10 month puppy out -- took me 9 days to find him in a city of a couple 100,000 -- I as pretty lucky but I didn't give up! 

Well, when I finally named PIG PEN, I really thought it was the end of all it.  So I've been waiting for stuff to happen.  No family or event has triggered me to go off on tackling my latest FOUND/REMEMBERED tape/script.  In fact, it's really quite peaceful.  Oh, I'm not saying that things aren't happening, they just don't throw me off like they used to. 

But I still have tapes running but they aren't trigger by anything.  In Self Matters, I learned that what I thought is how I lived.  It was hard to face up to the fact that my lousy work life and home life and relationship life was all my fault - but it was. I was a victim and I needed everyone in the whole world to make sure I remembered I was a victim so I kept the victim role/script/tapes running 24/7.   

Now, I know that I deserve more, I give myself permission to deserve more, and I allow myself to go for whatever I deserve more of.  BUT...  and it's a big one.... 

I can't get past the last wall -- but finally, I got it!  When I read Harriet Lerner's FEAR & OTHER UNINVITED GUESTS last May after I really thought I was going to die when I began to bring closure to my long-time goals/dreams (that one was 40+years old), I realized that I was dealing with an emotion, not a tape/script described in Dr. Phil's book.  When that same emotion/feeling surfaced again in June & July, I knew that I had to do something cause it was exhausting me.  

Then in August, I was able to see it as 2 separae events occuring at one time.  I'd already done quite a bit of work on changing the relationship with Mom and me.  I knew that it was going to be stressful because I was once again changing our status quo.  So when I felt that "DEATH/DYING" feeling again, I knew that it wasn't really connected to my current financial management goal - that it was something older than that.  Harriet's book helped me to understand Fear, Anxiety, etc.  It helped me to put a name to what I was experiencing. 

So I found RHonda Britten's good housekeeping article and discovered she uses the word DIE when she teaches goal work.  Well, I bought her FEARLESS LIVING and yesterday, I sat down and read Chapter 2 and did the exercises as she asked. It confused me - what doesn't for that matter - so today I redid the exercises and WHAM!!  I finally got it.  

What I'm feeling is similar to a script / tape but it's not the same.  PIG PEN was written as a child and it surfaced all thru my childhood, young adulthood, and even when I was in my 40's.  It's the emotion/feeling I experienced as I laid in my bed feeling depressed.  It was a script I lived to. 

This morning, I got it.  When I experience the 10 symptoms of FEAR, then I can do something about it.  That I have certain responses for 1 thing and different responses for another.  I actually did chapter 2 with 3 different focuses so that I could see if there were differences.  There were! 

There are 10 chapters - I'm just finishing up Chapter 2. The last 5 make me feel that she's going to bring up a lot that I learned in Self Matters.  I sure hope so -so far, much of her writing is very much like what Dr. Phil wrote in Self Matters & Life Strategies.  I guess that's why I feel comfortable with it.