Oh Marcia, you are so right! Seeing some of ourselves in others can help us understand ourselves so much better! When I find myself responding to another person whether it’s internal or something I choose to give voice to, I always find myself reflecting on what it was that I was motivated by. Thus, I spend a good bit of my time thinking!
I, too, like watching Dr. Phil. Even when I’m viewing something that has not been part of my own personal experience. I find, on occasion, that there is something in a portion of what is said, where I’m saying to myself, “Oh, I’ve used that as a coping strategy, myself!” OR “Nothing wrong with a little avoidance behavior.”(I've used that, too.)
However, the truth, for me is I know why I am searching.
I’ve found some answers in the darnedest places and situations! I’ve found that sometimes struggling with something brings more answers than I was initially expecting! I’ve also found that when pushed to the very edge of tolerance, I find myself NOT reacting BUT responding to loved ones in my life in a way I’m unfamiliar and often uncomfortable with. When my identical twin sister from San Francisco, was visiting and I found myself trying to converse with her with little success, she very condescendingly asked, “And, just WHY are YOU using that tone of voice with me?!?!” To my surprise, I calmly said, “I suppose it’s because I’m a bit angry with you right, now. See, I view us a equals, and I felt that your behavioral message and your style of delivery was…is very minimizing right, now. I’m not willing to stand here explaining that I have value, knowledge, insight, skill or anything else, hoping that eventually you’ll get it. And, that’s about it on why I’m using this serious tone with you.” My sister stormed off. I didn’t realize that my father had heard what I had said until she was gone and I heard him chuckling. He then smiled at me and said, “I think she got it!”
That wasn’t REALLY all her fault, we really do teach people how to treat us. I had accepted her condescending as part of a belief I held about myself. I believed I was somehow not particularly knowledgeable, skilled, or of very much value. I had allowed that to become acceptable.
I had, in that moment, began changing that. I LOVE MY sister and she really does love me. Devaluing myself changed our relationship.
Live & Learn,
Brenda
