Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

those are the words I got from watching Dr. Wayne Dyers' Public Broadcasting Show -- I was channel clicking, of course, and stopped to watch him.  He talked about how WE GET OFFENDED SO EASILY ... I got his book and read the passages as well.  Then I posted the words and it's been so helpful ...  I really understand it ... it was such an AHA MOMENT ... I've spent a couple of times with those words on my mirror or in my mind's eyes.  

And now, I find that I'm telling people when they're angry about something that's triggered because they got offended to stop ...   that they are giving away their power to someone just because they're having a bad hair day.

I can't tell you how many times, I discovered that I took offense at something because some was having a bad day (or I was) and (1) it was remembered by the person who said or did something  and (2) when I stepped back, I realized that I was just having a bad hair day and was just being too sensitive. 

Isn't it amazing how many different teachers are out there with the same message?

The questions right know is to get a job (a more permanent position). And also to do some courses in the future and so on.

Basically I am on my way, and taking it slow like you.

I guess because I'm coming from such a veggie state, it takes me longer to figure things out ... like taking better care of me -- I had to learn to brush my teeth twice a day, to floss 1x a day ...  I'm really good at putting face cream on now.   So recovery means different things for me --  and because I'm responding back to you, I'm making myself put it in writing -- which is a tool RHONDA taught me.

This is the last time I'm going to experience this ... this chaos .. this thing I've named TIME LOOP.   I've been in it since October ... all the way thru November ... and praying for Xmas so I could finally say it's over!   It has been such a harsh time for me.   I couldn't be reactive because I had no idea of what I was saying or doing to myself ....  I had TO ALLOW IT ALL TO PLAY OUT ... and as each "self-destructive tape" surface, be it the words in my head or the habits that went along with them ... they had to be exposed and allowed to surface.

Now, I know that next year at this same time, this same place, I'll be at such a better place ... I will experience these 3 months as happy occasions .. that a trigger may surface to attempt to bring me back - I'm hard at work figuring out a proactive plan to never allow myself to experience a TIME LOOP with all the BACKLASHING that goes on.

I know that once I've RECOVERED from this ... that I have dealt with nearly all of my mental triggers -- I'll still have some -- not many ... most will be new to me and I will deal with them as they happen.  However, that was ... how I've lived nearly all my life is no more.  I know it ... I can remember things ...  things that I did last year at this time and understand that I am only working thru the different layers.  However, what triggered all the events this time will not trigger them the next time ... got all sorts of post-it notes to write on my calendar to remind me of what to expect and how to use the plans I'm putting together.  

I've gone over my calendar and my feeble attempt to REMEMBER the life events that occurred this year and ask myself how I fared ... well, I did pretty good.

The hard part time is PICKING MYSELF UP and getting back on my feet ... and what / where I'm coming from is different .. thanks to VOlAREN.   I was forced to faced what I know are truths and realize that my thinking is based on lies right now.  I'm still working that out.

And connecting here is one of the reasons I've come so far along ...  we are connected by the pain of our childhoods and the lies we wrote and others told us.  We are slowly working thru them and allowing ourselves to face the pain because once we truly and honestly face the pain, the events of our childhoods slowly do not own us anymore. Do you find that so Linda?  Feliss?

I've not read any of his books .. I find that the same "learning" is being presented to us in various stages by many different authors.  I tend to me more visual and find authors like Martha Beck, Rhonda Britten, Wayne Dyer, Louise Hayes, Dr. Phil more "visual" in their writing.  And right now, I'm sorry to say, I'm not as connected to self-healing as I once was.  I've made such major headway ..  I know that my answers don't like in reading whole books anymore ... that a magazine article or a TV show or something holds the answer for me and that I just need to receptive to it.

Right now, the only book I'm reading is YOU ON A DIET by Dr. Rozien & Oz -- it's teaching me about my body and how it works ...  it's something that is greatly helping me at this stage in my healing.  I'm moving out of the MENTAL PLANE into the PHYSCIAL PLANE ... and it's been a hard transition to reach this place.

I'm only on Chapter 4 and it's some hard reading for me.  I've learned about how my fat tells my brain that it's full unless I've turned it off ...  it's really interesting and of course, they're giving me all sorts of action items.  Stuff I've already been doing or have to see if I can or will do them. 

We all trigger each other ... it brings to the surface that which we need to heal ...

I truly believe that our healing comes in layers ... we look at our "chosen" healing (you know that which you want to address at the moment) and then allow yourself to recall all your current learned truths ... and then you let it go.  When it resurfaces, you have walked a little further down the road ... you might have hit a deadend or a path that makes you turn around.  Or you've found a teacher that helps you to look at your truths.

So whether you have been here a long time or just starting to join us ... it's all about the journey of self-discovery ...  

I am writing a small message on Dr Phil's message board because I am bored. Does anyone here ever just find it exhausting to live life? I have always been considered a "happy", and "fun" person. I have been married for 2 years. I am a going to school to be a Nurse practioner. I tell myself that I love it, I tell myself that I couldn't be going into a better career and that I love treating patients response to illness. Truly though I want a huge house in the mountains that is covered in fruit trees with a fence that is twelve feet high surrounding it. A pool, a barbeque, a million books to read and a dog by my side to keep me company. I don't like people and their infectious diseases. I actually like infectious disease more then I like people. I have no reason to dislike people except that all I see in them is sadness and the ability to be hurt. I see their ability to hurt others with acts of stupidity or just plain accidents. I think I may be depressed, but I have no functional problems yet. My husband tries to get me to talk to a psychiatrist and he makes appointments for me to see one. On my way to the appoinments I rationalize my self out of the appointment. I see the problems in me and I am scared to change them. I like me but I see the sickness in me. I see the sickness in Americans all around me. I try to tell myself that when I am done with school I will find a country with less sickness but I know there isn't one out there. I tell myself I will be happy making enough money to be comfortable on and helping people with their sicknesses and being "good" and "kind" but it won't happen. I know that good and evil are relative and that I am not a candidate for either one of them. I see my fellow students not relishing in the fact that they will soon be able to help people, but the fact that they will be making a 6 figure income soon. All of my ideals of going to school to be a health care provider have been shot in the conversations with my peers. My mind is sick, and I am tired. Maybe I will finish my degree and become a beach bum. That will make my parents proud!!!! I must sound crazy but I was just trying to define my authentic self so deal with it.

When I was suicidual and living with an alchololic ... I realized that if I murdered myself .. they woould have to live with him .. and he wasn't a nice drunk .. he used to take his anger out on them ...  like he trained the one puppy to not piss in the house by throwing outside and knocking her out cold ... my gift to them was leaving that relationship ... she lived to 16 years old.  She loved her new home, they all did.

And yes, it's wonderful to have them around ... mine are my kids ...  well, actually my brats.

I couldn't afford therapy either ...  I couldn't afford the $50 co-pay ... but I did have a marvelous experience one time ... I had a doctor tell me I WOULD KNOW WHEN TO COMMIT MYSELF ... it was like a flashbulb going off for me.  For the 1st time I was able to connect the dots.   If I would know then that means I had to learn what my triggers were ... I didn't know that word then ... triggers ... however, I began to journal ... taught myself to do visuals ... taught myself my candle rituals ... 

and over time, I learned to deal with my manics ... and my depressions ...   I'm not sure if I'm still a manic depressive ...  I think now I'm more ADD then anything else ... with a caffeine addiction that helps me to "return to my manic side"  --- that's just something that popping up in my life right now.  So far 2 articles have said that and I'm beginning to work thru that -- it's my 28-day goal that is helping me work thru it.   No sweets after 2 pm. (so I can sleep at night - I'm real sensitive to sugar & caffeine)

DO NOT GO BACK TO CHAPTER 4!!!  allow yourself the gift of knowing what the whole process is about and then return to it.  Like Linda ... I've read and re-read SELF MATTERS a dozen times ... I used it as a bible when I began to learn the processs.  And like LInda ... I've read LIFE STRATEGIES a few times as well (I think 4 now).

Chapter 4 always derails you ... by reading the whole book, you'll be able to really get a different perspective ... remember to do the exercises as you go.  I got the workbook to help me practice the cognitive behavior process.  You can do this ... it's not easy .. in fact, I would have to say it's painful .. however, it's been one of the very best gifts I'd ever given myself.