Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Thank You for your post! I think that you are absolutely on target about that ‘protective barrier’ and the inability to completely comprehend my situation in my early history. I believe that’s why I just kept on moving from task to task, not really thinking nor giving voice to the things that I simply could not fully understand. Though I do think that I bought into the idea that what was happening was my fault, because I always felt riddled with guilt 24/7!!! I am finding that the older I was in my defining moments the better I am at identifying feelings. However, when I say older I mean MUCH OLDER, like as a young adult. 

Elavil!!! You are VERY lucky to be alive! We do share some common experiences. 

I really had to stop reading when I read your adolescent experience. It was so painful for me. I even signed off rather than respond to your post. I was very deeply moved by your account. I had a very very similar experience at 15 yrs. old. An experience that I thought about for almost a year before, then actively planned for six months. I was puberty stricken and couldn’t even imagine my life being anything other than what it had always been and was already. Being the ‘good little Baptist girl’ that I was I had never consumed alcohol or used illicit drugs. No! Why, that would have been a sin!! (I had this built in belief about the way God graded ‘sin’.) So instead, one Friday night I went to the medicine cabinet and robbed it of about 7 very strong sedative barbiturates, that were prescribed for my mother. It was a drug called Doriden. (My parents called them her, “upset pills.”) Thus, stealing barbiturates for the purpose of ending one’s life was just…well…one of those minor things that God would surely overlook. On that Sunday night, I consumed them all and as I was telling my father that I was going to go to bed early, my Aunt Betty-one of my surrogate mothers- without calling, just dropped by! She really questioned ‘why’ I was going was going to bed early! Pointing out that that sure wasn’t like me. I was praying that she would not mother me right then! I assured her that I was just fine, just needed to get some ‘shut-eye.’ After repeatedly reassuring my Aunt Betty that there was NOTHING wrong with me I went to bed, hoping that she would just let me sleep. However, at some time later my Aunt Betty-I was told- went into my room before she left and found me unresponsive. I really don’t remember much about the rest of that night or the days that followed. I have some very vague dreamlike memories of someone forcing me to drink black coffee. My twin told me that my father had induced vomiting and then forced me to drink the coffee before allowing me to return to bed. I slept for about 36 hours after that. Then, no one ever spoke of it again. But, I was actually relieved that no one pursued that. I was SO embarrassed, humiliated and disappointed that I couldn’t even kill myself and get that right. I felt more inadequate than ever. I worried that I would be viewed as a FREAK for having done such a thing. I was devastated that I had been unsuccessful. I REALLY DID WANT TO BE DEAD! I actually mourned the fact that I wasn’t dead. Worse, I had disappointed and worried my father. He already had enough grief!!! The LAST thing he needed was another loose cannon!!! 

I had included this as one of my defining moments, however, it wasn’t until I read your adolescent experience that I actually realized how badly I felt about myself, my life and everything else at that point in time. I was able to fill in the blank spaces about that event, thanks to you!Thank You for your willingness to share something so personal. I am so grateful, to you for just offering that. I found ALL these ‘feelings’ after I read about your experience!!! 

Thank You, Teri!  

Brenda