Quote From: teri_idNow that I have taken some time to think, respond to some other posts and cleared my head a bit, I can respond to yours.
WOW! You were raised religiously too, eh? Non-denominational Christian here. Did your family allow dancing? Mine did not...
I am amazed that you were not rushed to the hospital! You had someone who felt something was wrong, and she at least saved your life to some degree. It is a shame that we tend to only value the breathing, heart beating part of life...not the quality, if you know what I mean.
I remember being angry that I failed. I woke up and realized I was not dead...I was even more depressed. About 6 months after that I tried wrecking a car with just me in it....survived that, and then I have already related the gun story in a post to Ritehere.
We stop and we say "thank goodness she didn't die!", yet what we don't do is say "What can I do to make it where she wants to live?"
I wonder if your parents really cared whether or not you were happy. I think mine must have felt like they were mucking through with some self-righteous/religious fuel. Happiness was not the goal...salvation was. What the hell did I care if I was saved if I felt that miserable?
It took getting away from that influence to learn that the God of my understanding is loving, caring and wants me to be happy. Thankfully, today, quality of life does mean something, and it is my desire to see my children, my mate's children, and all I share Life with to have a good quality of life,
I watch the scenes on TV about New Orleans, and I cry. I cry because I know people will forget them, when they are needed most. Then I remember you and how ready you will be, and I know there will be others. I want to be available, I want to be able to help some way, yet I am broke, so it will have to be time and talent. I want to find a way to listen, to be that "soft place" if even for a moment.
Brenda, your experiences in Life have made you what you are. You are a special, dynamic person whom I admire so much! I cannot express the gratitude I have with what you have shared and the freedoms it has given me. Bless you!
Teri
Teri, I don’t really know if you realize how PROFOUNDLY your sharing your very personal pain has helped ME in getting in touch with my own painful past. When I read your post I felt so sad for you. I began relating to how horrible you must have felt to do something that potentially LETHAL. Then, I just became overwhelmed and just couldn’t stay online even long enough to respond to your post. After I got off-line I realized that your history was striking a very painful core experience in my own life. I don’t KNOW how I didn’t see my own pain UNTIL THEN. I am so grateful to you for that post!
I was raised in and by some very kind religious people who view God in VERY negative ways. They were all well meaning but really, I believe, misguided in their strict conservative views. I feel sad that they still don’t know the loving God that I have come to know. And, I too had to get away from their views to come to know a loving God.
Some of these folks DO recognize quality of life as important but as I posted to Ritehere (Linda) when I was 15 yrs. old it was 1969 in beach country SC. Folks were NOT very well informed about the significance of a gesture as serious as the one I made. And, in my home there was just too much craziness going on and I don’t believe they had enough energy left to deal with even one more drama!!! Life in my home from the time I was ~6yrs. old was about survival! I am recognizing that whether or not one was ‘happy’ or feeling ’safe’ at home was probably viewed as quite frivolous then and to an extent, now.
Even now, as I’m thinking about my father-whom I love- I realize that we all spent so much time managing the chaos that my mother generated that I didn’t even really get to know my father in so many respects. That saddens me, as well. When I mentioned working with the hurricane Katrina survivors to my father there was a long pause and then he said, “Awe, you don’t want to get involved in that kind of mess!!” Well, YEAH, I do!
Teri, of the survivor(s) I’ve encountered (they have only sent one my way, thus far) are very thankful to know that there are people out there, like yourself who are thinking about them, who CARE enough to keep them in mind, in your thought and prayers. They know and they are grateful that people DO care! It matters!!
Sorry for being so fragmented on this post. I’m still trying to deal with how I managed to NOT KNOW all that stuff around the experience I had at 15 yrs. old.
Thank you, again, for offering your own personal experience. It helped so much!!! I admire and respect people like you who are willing to share something that personal. I was deeply moved. THANK YOU!!!!
Brenda
