Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

R&R, why would you believe that you are THE ONLY ONE!!??  you are not. There are thousands, maybe even a million people who think along the same lines.  You are not that unique ... fear of putting down in writing what you are saying to yourself is FEAR and you have quite a bit of WHAT IFs going on too!  Which is just a vicious circle you are in.

 

Right now, I've been journaling 16 years, 3 months ... I used to live in terror that someone would read it ...   that they would react in pain or be hurt by my writing ...  however, I quickly discovered after 1-2 months writing that it was a wonderful tool to help me work thru what I'm saying to me, to see what I truly believe and to keep track of my behaviors.

 

For example, all you have to do is come up with a disclaimer -- one that you can glue to the inside cover of your journal ...  informing people that you are journal to help you work thru the thoughts that are going on in your head 24/7 so that you can being living your life and not just existing.

 

YOu could write a little blurb to your kids, family, friends .. who ever .. advising them why you are journaling .. that it's a tool to help you quit thinking and start living.  That your life is so painful with all the thoughts and you want to stop the craziness.

 

And my friends are leaving me ...  I'm no longer the pain filled person ... I'm moving forward .. my beliefs don't match up to them.  It's a little painful and yet, releasing to me.  I always thought I would be the one to leave .. however, they are choosing to.  It's their decision. My one friend still connects to me every so often; however, we don't see each other as much.  In a year, she may just be a phone call friend ... I'm not sure.  However, she is still my pet's babysitter so they get to see her more than me!

 

Right now, I'm reading Robin's boo .. and I'm finding that her mannerisms are very similar to my own.  The big difference is her parents were able to express love .. where mine couldn't and she wasn't molested as a child either.  And I probably could go on and on .. but that's not the point .. I'VE FOUND ME A NEW ROLE MODEL!  Someone to show me how a healthy life style is.

 

she didn't come into her own over night .. it took years and years ... and she really did have a really messed up family.  But being loved by her parents was the secret!  Dr. Phil's too!  Being loved, shown love, and knowing you are loved ...

 

That's the gift you give your kids ... that when you work out your thoughts, feelings, and actions and begin to finally live ... you give them the gift of unconditional love that they can take with them for the rest of their lives.

 

M

 It's not necessary to keep your journalling. I have let my honest emotions flow onto paper, and then destroyed it so nobody could read it. Oftentimes what we write WILL be taken badly by others, and for this reason your writings must remain private. If you can't be sure that others will stay out of your private writings, then destroy them when you are done.
The point to the activity is to get the parts out into the light of day. When we write down our emotions, it causes us to slow down and really connect with what is going on within us- our symptoms such as heart racing, sweating, breathlessness, fatigue and lethargy, and the emotions that are causing these symptoms- depression, frustration, anger, sadness, etc.  As you write, your mind gets clearer and you can get down to the thoughts that are driving the emotions and causing the symptoms.  It can be enlightening.  You are entitled to your feelings and emotions, even though you would not act upon some of them.  When we bring them out for examination we are then able to set them free, no longer carrying them around inside but denying that they are there.

Friday, I went to a fitness Q&A by my gym and discovered that what I've been telling myself about ME NOT BEING ABLE TO SWEAT has been a lie.  Yes a lie!  The reason I don't do well in aerobics is because my heart hasn't built up to handling the exercises.  And can you believe that I know it's the truth because when I'm in the Total Body Toning class last Tuesday, I realized I could do all the standing still or just staying place movements and I was fine.  The moment she had me walking I had to stop! 

 

Once again, I had to sit down and figure out when I wrote this LIE ... and I discovered that I had never been told this .. that I just made the assumption based on the facts at hand .. that when I rode the healthryder, I couldn't breathe after a few minutes.  Well, now that I'm older (like by 10 years!) I realized that the machine was exactly what it was supposed to be .. an aerobic workout that I couldn't do ... so I just took all that I knew and put 1+1=4 together ...  yep, I've been living a lie and I'm feeling really stupid!!

 

Now, I'm having to re-educate myself and that's cool!!!  I also being a woman whose been losing weight now well over 35 years (started worrying about being fat when I was 16 and in High School) --  that I've also screwed up my eating behaviors.  I learned that when I took those 3 naps last week after the Total Body Toning class that it was because I'm not eating enough ... that I'm putting my body into starvation mode.  And worse, the nasty moods are also part of that.

 

I'm glad that I was able to see all sorts of behaviors surfacing from this class .. cause when an expert talked to me, I saw the truth and not went into denial.  So I've been working on and off all weekend in putting together a plan to get my heart rate to handle this class cause it's exactly what I need in my life right now.  And lucky for me the government has a tracker that I just have to input what I eat and how much exercise I do each day and it will tell me the calories I've eaten. 

 

The only glinch I can forsee right now is that they want me to eat 1 svg of protein each day, and I've learned the last 3 years, I need 3 servings.  I haven't checked it out yet; however, it will definitely make my life a whole lot easier!

 

So, once again, I sit here totally amazed that unless I sit down and educate myself when I experience something new .. that I will never be able to stop having to address those lies I've written.  Good thing I do that now .. I've been bemoaning that I spend a lot of time researching and experimenting ... however, I now see that there is a good reason for me to do so.

 

And no, I'm not allowing this hiccup to make me feel bad .. I just laughed at myself and celebrated by knowing that it came at the right time in my life!

I believe our tragic pasts are to help those that currently cross our paths.  I mean, there are so many could of, would of , should ofs that I should have done or things that I learned after the fact.  But, I learned and after the calamity people just happened into my life.  Either they except the pearls of wisdom or they don't.  The choice is theirs.

 

Keep going forward and gleen what you need from the past to keep going forward on your path.

 

Peace out.

I agree with you Marcia, it's great that we have come so far.

 

I've started to work on my relation-pattern now, i e; on how to behave handle myself against/towards fearful and not so nice people in my surrounding. It's best to work out strtegies before I come to situation where feel uncomfortable and scared. I am doing quite fine with these strategies.

 

The weird thing is that I am still a little scared for what other people might think of me when I have to work and journal this. But sensibly I know that I am not alone to have to write down and work on myself.

 

How are you doing Marcia?

I know that when I worked thru it, I had to do a lot of CONNECT-THE-DOTS work ...  I had to understand that they weren't going to be mad at me, that they loved me .. and that I've done a lot worse in my life than stick up for myself.  That's how we were taught to be .. authority figures are always hard and then you have adults .. and we just carried it over with us.

 

Planning is perfect ... I like to sit down and tell myself how good it's all going to turn out and then do it.  sometimes, I'm scared up to that point .. however, if it's really going to be hard because there's a pattern in place .. I then just practice doing a little different.

 

Like when we are talking or doing ... I work on remembering to just to take 1 step back ... then then begin working on taking another step to the side or something ... that way, I'm slowly breaking the pattern.   Took me awhile to learn it ... now I do it without thinking and because I had to disconnect from the "pattern" in place, I was finally able to stop myself from just repeating the same old self-distructive behaviors.

 

Right now, my car isn't working .. so I'm doing stuff .. being lazy .. however, I have walked twice out in the cold .. they say it's the worse weather we have experienced in a long time.  We may get a break next Tuesday!

 

M

Well, last night I sat down and journaled once again ... I'm still actively trying to break out of this viscious circle that I'm in ... It's coming around a lot faster .. only 1 week now ...  that means I'm close ... that I am focusing on it even when I think I'm not.  Last night I finally started to write down what the pattern is ...  There's 8 things that keep circling in my head ...  so each one was taken as it's own.

 

Somehow I keep feeling that I'm doing too much yet when I write about it, I see that everything is doable .. in fact, I just completed one task this morning.  Duh .. I know it's old stuff .. an old habit that's in place .. I just haven't figured out how to let it go .. maybe that's what I need to do ... do a releasing ritual and allow myself to give it to God. 

 

All my tasks are me just practicing new eating behaviors and adding cardio to my day.  And my constant focus on these tasks keeps me from doing the others ...  hmmm   I am beginning to see the pattern, my thoughts as I post right now ...

 

Well, I'm stuck at home -- car's not running ... so I got plenty of time to work this out today and still get in my exercise!

 Marcia, I soooo understand you!  I have a problem with getting obsessive about my goals. For instance, I like to fall into a daily pattern when it comes to weight loss, and if I have an appointment or go on vacation or something, I feel cheated! Instead of "rolling with the punches" and fitting in the things I need to do for myself around the real world occurances. I let  them derail me and then blame the world for my temperary failure. I not only do not enjoy the outing as I should, but I beat myself up for being weak. This leads to feelings of failure and guilt and depression.  And it's all because of my thoughts and rigidity.
I've had an insight into my own obsessive behavior this week, and I need to relax, but remain resilient. (RESILIENCE is my "touchstone" word at the moment.)
I had an ah ha moment somewhat like yours about 2 1/2 years ago. I was stalled out on my workouts because I wasn't pushing myself enough. I was having shin splints that I couldn't seem to get past in order to ramp up my activity.  I kept beating my head against the wall until I tried a different exercise. All it took was to TRY SOMETHING ELSE, and this is what Dr Phil encourages us to do when we hit a brick wall.

I know exactly what you mean ... I'm just amazed about all the crazy tapes I've written and when they come to light and I begin to work thru to when I first came up with it ... I just feel STUPID!!!   Then I laugh at myself and move on!! 

 

Today I figured out my calorie intake from last week and discovered that it's true!  Just because my calories say I've eaten so much food --- when I take away the exercise, I discovered I'm eating way below my calorie intake. 

 

I got a few AHAs today ... like I am turning to sweets to eat because I'm hungry!  And When I'm HUNGRY .. I can't focus my energy. 

Marcia, I've also figured out that I'm very sensitive when it comes to "authority" people who critics me (of course sometimes the critic is all negative). I'm learning to not take the critic as my truth and a reflection of my value, I just take in the critic for evaluation and than desides whether or not is something I want take on board or put in the trash.

 

This is a new way, a side-step, for me to start changing my lifepattern. I'm glad I'm sensitive and not coldhearted.