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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self
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September 24, 2005, 6:45 pm PDT
 I never forget good will, no matter how long ago, and one can't help but be affected by things that are for someone else.
Keep going strong, Lynn618! That's all,
Taemanai
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September 24, 2005, 6:59 pm PDT
Quote From: teri_id Brenda,
It has taken me some time to get caught up on the boards and I had to read your history a few times to make sure I got it right. I cannot believe what you experienced with that group! Actually, I can believe it.
I was raised in a non-denominational Christian church. Every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night I attended services. It was preached how we are to love one another, support one another and give to each other. It was preached that we should count on each other and only each other, supporting and filling each other's needs. Great in theory.
I had gone through years of feeling determined to stay with my husband because of his mental illness. It was my Christian duty as a wife to not leave. I was so torn inside because I was not receiving what I needed at home, yet it was a sin to go anywhere else. To divorce was very, very bad.
When I finally decided I could take no more and told my mother I was getting a divorce, she reacted the way the rest of the church did. Of course, he decided to become a member of the church and evoke as much sympathy as possible. I then became very evil and bad. Nobody from my church would be supportive, not even my mother. I was committing a horrible sin and there was no excuse for that. My ex took this opportunity to tell people I was doing things that just were not true, but because I was getting a divorce, they figured it all must be true. I was crushed. My whole life I had put faith and belief in the ways I was taught, only to have it all come crashing down. The support system I thought was there for me disappeared, I was completely alone. During that time I became very depressed. My ex had started to mess with some of my clients and encouraged my boss to accuse me of fraud. Well, even though there was no fraud and I was cleared of any wrongdoing, the accusation ruined my career as a case manager. My ex took the time to completely and systematically pick apart and ruin my professional life. Then he started stalking me, leaving notes every day in my mailbox, going into my house when I wasn't there, stealing my mail, painting messages on the highway between Idaho Falls and Salmon, putting up posters in my windows saying I was going to Hell for the choices I have made.
It occurred to me just how alone I was. I realized that things were becoming increasingly dangerous. I tried to sell my house and he chased off the realtor, threatening him. He forced me into a position where I had to turn over physical custody of the kids because I had lost my job. He left messages on my voice mail threatening if I didn't turn over my house I would never see the kids again. It was horrible.
I became so depressed that one day I was driving on a very rural highway and I saw a semi about 3 miles away. I decided I would wreck into him, knowing that would kill me. It would be over. I sped up, going about 95 miles and hour on a curvy highway, just waiting to meet up with the semi. It came closer and closer, and when the time was right I went to pull the wheel into it and my hands wouldn't move. I had frozen. I took my foot of the gas, coasted to a stop and right there on the highway I just sobbed and realized I needed to get through this for my kids. I could not leave them with him this way.
I moved to Salmon with Erv, at that time we were not together, we were friends, yet not close, and he was kind enough to give me a place to live. He pushed me to quit feeling sorry for myself and to get proactive, so I did. For over a year I had been kept from my kids, I was emotionally crippled and didn't know where to begin. Long story short, with his encouragement I took my ex to court, representing myself, and I won! The judge actually heard what I had to say and agreed. My ex was angry, but now it was on the record that this behavior could not continue. Side note, my parents were at court to support my ex...figure that for supportive parents.
I have nothing to do with organized religion now. I have a strong belief in God, yet it is something I have independently come to have, not taught. I am rebuilding my life one step at a time, giving myself credit where credit is due and knowing that through this I have been gifted with a wonderful mate who is also my closest friend. I have kept one friend from my "before" life and "after" life, and she is loyal and precious as well. She was rather powerless during the divorce and such, yet when all was said and done, she still loved me. We all live here on this property and function as a family. It is more fulfilling than anything I have ever known before!
Brenda I share this because you have paved that brave way. I believe I know what kind of betrayal you felt and how that must have hurt, even though you may not have felt it the way you wished you could. Please know that I value you, your worth is great to me, and I consider you to be an exquisite gem like no other.
Teri
the right-kind of person, no matter what our belief, if we can be relied upon 'when the chips are down', (an aussie expression) things will work out.
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September 24, 2005, 7:03 pm PDT
Australians have words for 'hello' - g'day, how's ya goin' mate, but not an Aussie word for goodbye, that's for the Brit's, so .....sayo... all
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September 25, 2005, 6:49 am PDT
Quote From: taemanai does this have anything to do with why you have chosen to write on this board? I think I chose to because even there was so many choices to choose from, probablly more interesting topics that I know of, butI was interested in the television show at the time and I couldn't make up my mind what I would do later on when I'd exhausted the topic, when probally certain prior knowledge or experiences would be expected.
I instantly wanted to write about me, so Dr. Phil is a flag-ship for that, and yet I didn't want people reading to just talk about being just a problem without any real solutions or changes in other ways, and so I hesitate to reveal problems, unless from my situation and perspective. That reflect me, not 90 percent of the population, some things because we are all different, solutions that do nothing of course, the placebo effect is strong, I feel when it is about feeling better, rather than getting better inside.
It is thought-provoking to talk to you too,
Taemanai
Taemanai,
I have not considered why I chose to write on this board. Quite possibly it is because I had no sense of self at all growing up, thus the authentic me did not get a chance.
On the surface, I believe I started on this board once I started on the book, looking for others with experience that I could draw from. Writing about me and reading about others...their experience, strength and hope...people with the same goal.
I do like solution based discussion. I do not like lots of drama, my experience with that has been negative. I like smooth, waveless function, yet I understand that is not the nature of things. Knowing that we are all different, yet quite similar when it comes to how we process things.
Interesting that you bring up the placebo effect. How often do we look for the fix of feeling better instead of healing? I look at the wounds on our worst attacked goat. His wounds are beyond deep, they are devastating. They must heal from the inside out or he will have so much difficulty we will have to put him down. I know I am the same way. I must heal from the inside out, I must be diligent in my work on me without forgetting I want to serve those I love. I don't like the notion of being entirely self centered, yet I know that I am the center of my own universe, and not much is going to change that.
I know that in your writing here your past knowledge and experience colors everything. The choices you make in your metaphors, the poetry and lyric you post all are chosen by the person you have become. What I find so fascinating is how little I know about you, yet because of your choices, I know more than maybe some that are closest to you...isn't that interesting? I know I am more candid on this board than I am at home. I am trying to become more straightforward here at home because I am learning it leaves no room for error. If I say "I feel _____", then that is what I mean. Writing on this board has encouraged me this way.
Revealing problems may not always be necessary in order to gather from other's wisdoms and experiences. In my mind, you make some very wise choices and keep your sense of private self. I admire that. Teri |
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September 25, 2005, 2:16 pm PDT
Quote From: teri_id Brenda,
It has taken me some time to get caught up on the boards and I had to read your history a few times to make sure I got it right. I cannot believe what you experienced with that group! Actually, I can believe it.
I was raised in a non-denominational Christian church. Every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night I attended services. It was preached how we are to love one another, support one another and give to each other. It was preached that we should count on each other and only each other, supporting and filling each other's needs. Great in theory.
I had gone through years of feeling determined to stay with my husband because of his mental illness. It was my Christian duty as a wife to not leave. I was so torn inside because I was not receiving what I needed at home, yet it was a sin to go anywhere else. To divorce was very, very bad.
When I finally decided I could take no more and told my mother I was getting a divorce, she reacted the way the rest of the church did. Of course, he decided to become a member of the church and evoke as much sympathy as possible. I then became very evil and bad. Nobody from my church would be supportive, not even my mother. I was committing a horrible sin and there was no excuse for that. My ex took this opportunity to tell people I was doing things that just were not true, but because I was getting a divorce, they figured it all must be true. I was crushed. My whole life I had put faith and belief in the ways I was taught, only to have it all come crashing down. The support system I thought was there for me disappeared, I was completely alone. During that time I became very depressed. My ex had started to mess with some of my clients and encouraged my boss to accuse me of fraud. Well, even though there was no fraud and I was cleared of any wrongdoing, the accusation ruined my career as a case manager. My ex took the time to completely and systematically pick apart and ruin my professional life. Then he started stalking me, leaving notes every day in my mailbox, going into my house when I wasn't there, stealing my mail, painting messages on the highway between Idaho Falls and Salmon, putting up posters in my windows saying I was going to Hell for the choices I have made.
It occurred to me just how alone I was. I realized that things were becoming increasingly dangerous. I tried to sell my house and he chased off the realtor, threatening him. He forced me into a position where I had to turn over physical custody of the kids because I had lost my job. He left messages on my voice mail threatening if I didn't turn over my house I would never see the kids again. It was horrible.
I became so depressed that one day I was driving on a very rural highway and I saw a semi about 3 miles away. I decided I would wreck into him, knowing that would kill me. It would be over. I sped up, going about 95 miles and hour on a curvy highway, just waiting to meet up with the semi. It came closer and closer, and when the time was right I went to pull the wheel into it and my hands wouldn't move. I had frozen. I took my foot of the gas, coasted to a stop and right there on the highway I just sobbed and realized I needed to get through this for my kids. I could not leave them with him this way.
I moved to Salmon with Erv, at that time we were not together, we were friends, yet not close, and he was kind enough to give me a place to live. He pushed me to quit feeling sorry for myself and to get proactive, so I did. For over a year I had been kept from my kids, I was emotionally crippled and didn't know where to begin. Long story short, with his encouragement I took my ex to court, representing myself, and I won! The judge actually heard what I had to say and agreed. My ex was angry, but now it was on the record that this behavior could not continue. Side note, my parents were at court to support my ex...figure that for supportive parents.
I have nothing to do with organized religion now. I have a strong belief in God, yet it is something I have independently come to have, not taught. I am rebuilding my life one step at a time, giving myself credit where credit is due and knowing that through this I have been gifted with a wonderful mate who is also my closest friend. I have kept one friend from my "before" life and "after" life, and she is loyal and precious as well. She was rather powerless during the divorce and such, yet when all was said and done, she still loved me. We all live here on this property and function as a family. It is more fulfilling than anything I have ever known before!
Brenda I share this because you have paved that brave way. I believe I know what kind of betrayal you felt and how that must have hurt, even though you may not have felt it the way you wished you could. Please know that I value you, your worth is great to me, and I consider you to be an exquisite gem like no other.
Teri
Teri, I read your post and thought about how painful that kind of discounting, diminishing, devaluing experience must have been. And, so isolating! I was saddened by your account. I can certainly relate to that kind of abandonment. Your description of the ‘judgment’ and condemnation from the church and loved ones was particularly awful. Having grown up in a Fundamentalist Christian faith-the good ole Southern Missionary Baptist Church-I certainly do know just how quickly they can condemn you to ‘Eternal Damnation’! One of my cousins attended Seminary at Bob Jones University.( That ’Christian’ school only recently began accepting African American students!!! How’s that for ‘loving your fellow man’?!?! ) He condemned my twin sister and I to Hell, regularly! I was fortunate, during that period of time, as my cousin, the minister, was NOT particularly liked by most of the rest of the family because of his hateful approach to EVERYONE. You and I certainly do share a lot of common history. I was also fortunate, in the Gestalt Group situation, in that I was strongly supported by some very close friends at work. Many of them knew the leader of the group. And, for a long time, I lived in constant fear that if they knew of his discounting of me that they would CERTAINLY dismiss me as just plain ‘crazy’. So I was NOT going to in anyway let them know that that experience was going to hell in a hand basket! However, one day my best friend and then boss, who was VERY close to the leader of this group called me into her office. She DEMANDED to know, “WHAT in the world is going on with YOU? You look TERRIBLE!” I just knew that telling her ANYTHING negative about him would be the beginning of the end of our friendship. As I explained to her that I just couldn’t say, she began assuming that it had something to do with the fellow I was dating, who was also a PhD prepared Psychologist, who worked at our facility. (She REALLY didn’t like him.) I quickly explained that it wasn’t the guy I was dating. I went on to explain that the reason I couldn’t speak of my concerns was that I might be violating a confidence. To which she responded, “Well, TOUGH! Cause you ain’t walkin’ out of HERE before TELLING me something‘!! So GIRL, you need to start talking, NOW!!!” So I VERY carefully spoke to her of my situation WITHOUT violating anyone else’s confidentiality. I was far too depressed to be emotional, at that time. I just held my breath waiting for her to find a tactful way of telling me I was just INSANE. However, she just leaned back in her chair gazing at me, took a very deep breath and then very slowly said, “You know, BG….if he EVER did ANYTHING even close to that with me…I would LET him hold the truth like he had never seen or heard before!!!” (She was, I believe, appointed as head of our service because she WAS FEARLESS and was known for her capacity to be objective, decisive but very intimidating even to the BRAVEST men!) “I would then apprise him,” She continued in a very angry tone. “of the fact that he had PERMANENTLY impaired any degree of faith or trust I ever had in him, or ever would have. I would further let him know that I was severing ANY affiliation with him. And, lastly I would let him know that I would do EVERYTHING in my power to assure that he NEVER got the opportunity to EXPLOIT anyone like that ever again!!!” I know I must have been standing there slack jawed. She knew BOTH the leader and myself and didn’t even hesitate for a SECOND!!! I WAS SHOCKED!!! She then looked at me and asked why I was looking stunned. As I took a breath and swallowed, I asked her about, how she could be so sure that I wasn’t just…well…wrong. She then pointed out that it was BECAUSE she DID know us both and, “I’ve known him a LONG time and he ain’t the epitome of professional ethics that he seems!!!” |
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September 25, 2005, 4:07 pm PDT
Quote From: teri_id Brenda,
It has taken me some time to get caught up on the boards and I had to read your history a few times to make sure I got it right. I cannot believe what you experienced with that group! Actually, I can believe it.
I was raised in a non-denominational Christian church. Every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night I attended services. It was preached how we are to love one another, support one another and give to each other. It was preached that we should count on each other and only each other, supporting and filling each other's needs. Great in theory.
I had gone through years of feeling determined to stay with my husband because of his mental illness. It was my Christian duty as a wife to not leave. I was so torn inside because I was not receiving what I needed at home, yet it was a sin to go anywhere else. To divorce was very, very bad.
When I finally decided I could take no more and told my mother I was getting a divorce, she reacted the way the rest of the church did. Of course, he decided to become a member of the church and evoke as much sympathy as possible. I then became very evil and bad. Nobody from my church would be supportive, not even my mother. I was committing a horrible sin and there was no excuse for that. My ex took this opportunity to tell people I was doing things that just were not true, but because I was getting a divorce, they figured it all must be true. I was crushed. My whole life I had put faith and belief in the ways I was taught, only to have it all come crashing down. The support system I thought was there for me disappeared, I was completely alone. During that time I became very depressed. My ex had started to mess with some of my clients and encouraged my boss to accuse me of fraud. Well, even though there was no fraud and I was cleared of any wrongdoing, the accusation ruined my career as a case manager. My ex took the time to completely and systematically pick apart and ruin my professional life. Then he started stalking me, leaving notes every day in my mailbox, going into my house when I wasn't there, stealing my mail, painting messages on the highway between Idaho Falls and Salmon, putting up posters in my windows saying I was going to Hell for the choices I have made.
It occurred to me just how alone I was. I realized that things were becoming increasingly dangerous. I tried to sell my house and he chased off the realtor, threatening him. He forced me into a position where I had to turn over physical custody of the kids because I had lost my job. He left messages on my voice mail threatening if I didn't turn over my house I would never see the kids again. It was horrible.
I became so depressed that one day I was driving on a very rural highway and I saw a semi about 3 miles away. I decided I would wreck into him, knowing that would kill me. It would be over. I sped up, going about 95 miles and hour on a curvy highway, just waiting to meet up with the semi. It came closer and closer, and when the time was right I went to pull the wheel into it and my hands wouldn't move. I had frozen. I took my foot of the gas, coasted to a stop and right there on the highway I just sobbed and realized I needed to get through this for my kids. I could not leave them with him this way.
I moved to Salmon with Erv, at that time we were not together, we were friends, yet not close, and he was kind enough to give me a place to live. He pushed me to quit feeling sorry for myself and to get proactive, so I did. For over a year I had been kept from my kids, I was emotionally crippled and didn't know where to begin. Long story short, with his encouragement I took my ex to court, representing myself, and I won! The judge actually heard what I had to say and agreed. My ex was angry, but now it was on the record that this behavior could not continue. Side note, my parents were at court to support my ex...figure that for supportive parents.
I have nothing to do with organized religion now. I have a strong belief in God, yet it is something I have independently come to have, not taught. I am rebuilding my life one step at a time, giving myself credit where credit is due and knowing that through this I have been gifted with a wonderful mate who is also my closest friend. I have kept one friend from my "before" life and "after" life, and she is loyal and precious as well. She was rather powerless during the divorce and such, yet when all was said and done, she still loved me. We all live here on this property and function as a family. It is more fulfilling than anything I have ever known before!
Brenda I share this because you have paved that brave way. I believe I know what kind of betrayal you felt and how that must have hurt, even though you may not have felt it the way you wished you could. Please know that I value you, your worth is great to me, and I consider you to be an exquisite gem like no other.
Teri
She then said, “This guy needs to hear from those of us, in healthcare, who know him, who have known HIM, who DO practice ethically! I’m telling you , *******, NEEDS to be toppled from that damn pedestal he’s on and be informed that his unethical conduct, is NOT acceptable! To single out and to scapegoat ain’t a part of any sound group process. You can’t shake him cause…well you are just too MOUSEY, BG!” I knew then that I had said too much and I asked her not to DO anything. I thanked her for being my friend and for her support and even thanked her for wanting him behaviorally eviscerated. I can’t even begin to tell you how affirming that experience was for me. It didn’t fix everything but, it sure gave me another perspective. I was then aware of the difference between just being depressed and being profoundly depressed. I couldn’t do battle at that point. I knew that I was being exploited by him. I also, became aware of how desperately that guy and that group NEEDED for me to ACCEPT and EMBRACE the role of ‘Crazy and Stupid’. It DID NOT MATTER to them who I really was! At that point, they didn't care! Sadly, HE didn’t recognize what I did and that was that when a group needs a scapegoat and loses their favorite one they just pick another, so it was a group where NO ONE was safe any longer! And, I informed them of that on my final visit to that group just before flying out to San Francisco, to visit my twin sister. I was heartbroken that these people I had cared for so, wanted me, in their group as an ‘object’ rather than a person, to fill a role for them. So, in saying ’Goodbye’, I also wish them well and explained that for whatever it was worth I had valued them and cared enough for them to NEVER expect any one of them to accept the “Crazy and Stupid’ role. The ONLY role they would allow me. Nor, would I expect any one of them to accept the numerous negative ‘labels’ that the leader and they had placed all over me. I advised them that I was leaving ALL of those dreadful things THERE, with them, ALONG with that HORRIBLE GROUP Process. It really wasn’t until I arrived in San Francisco that I even began to realized HOW I had allowed this situation to affect me and who I was. I saw my identical twin sister scanning the faces in the crowd coming off the plane, essentially looking for her own face- mine! She kept searching the crowd, even as I walked in plain view toward her. I began wondering who else she was looking for. It wasn’t until I touched her arm and she startled and pulled away, that she saw that it was me. She then began sobbing as we embraced. I asked her why she was crying and for a moment she couldn’t speak she just kept sobbing. I asked her what was wrong, since I knew from the look on her face that these were not tears of joy. When she finally caught her breath she said, “You’re so thin! You look like a ghost! I didn’t recognize you!” She continued to sob as she spoke saying, “Please, tell me you’ll leave that group!!!” I explained that I already had. She then grabbed my hand and said, “We’re going to get you some food, now!!” It was only then that I really understood that I had actually internalized so much CRAP!!!
Brenda |
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September 25, 2005, 9:40 pm PDT
Ritehere, As I found myself trying to resolve the very strange odyssey of exactly how this 'relatively great learning experience’ went from ‘good, health and thought provoking’ to ‘strange, ugly and just plain bizarre’, I kept yelling at you through my computer screen, “I’ve thought about this SO many times! There were red flags. I just know that there were red flags! What were they? Where were they? And, Why didn’t I see them?” So, through trying to re-process this AND answer your questions. (By the way, THANK YOU so much for all of those questions!) Finally, after all this time, The red flags became crystal clear!!! The red flags were strategically place on all of the very basic fundamentals stuff!!!! “While I was a bit diminished going in, it wasn’t substantial. Besides, I was there to learn, right?!?!” I told myself and, “You can’t be thin skinned going into that kind of group!” However, I became clearer on my own role in this whole thing. The first red flag that I discounted was a doozy! The fact that I placed more merit on how well respected this guy was, than on my own observations that this guy had a pecking order on each and every human beings ‘worth‘, as well as, a need to make that known and have that accepted universally in his group! The second , red flag was just NOT trusting my own beliefs and instincts about how unacceptable that is ANYWHERE!!!! This guy had some marvelous takes on things. And, for the most part he “sounded good” except for all of the fundamentals stuff. I mean it’s gonna be real hard to focus on working in ‘good-faith’ with someone if you really have already decided that the individuals ‘worth’ is negligible!!!
NOW....just why did it take me YEARS to figure THAT out!!!!!
Brenda |
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September 26, 2005, 8:42 am PDT
Yesterday, I sat down and read Harriet's chapter 5 THE TROUBLE WITH ANXIETY. The first 3 chapters were a breeze - it was like "Okay, I understand what I was feeling and why. Now, I can deal with it and let it go." Then I hit Chapter 4 and began to understand how Anxiety works when it's healthy. But Chap 5, was the hardest one yet. I wrote out a lot of stuff. (It allows me to remember better.)
Then I read this paragraph with this sentence: We all face the challenge of living the life we have, not the life we imagined having, the life we wish for, or the life we are quite certain we deserve. And got totally blown away. I've been working ever so slowly in adapting Weight Loss Solutins into my life. Each key explains what a healthy eating and physcial life style needs. It's been my heart's desire for so many years and years!! So one of my affirmations has been: I WANT A HEALTHY LIFE STYLE. It's been a mantra actually.
Then when I read this, I realized that I am living my life style NOW. That the healthy part isn't there before of the fears/anxieties I have. It's the fear of the unknown. Last night, when I asked myself in the wee hours of the morning - I'm living the UNKNOWN for 9 months now, how goes it? FINE I SAID. It's not too bad at all. But I laid in my bed for hours with my heart & thoughts racing, practicing my BREATHING.
It's a new month for me. I'm doing my goal work. I'm chosing my Financial Management goal to focus on this month. It holds the key to opening my life to the heart's desire to be a homemaker for the next few months. To just live the healthy life style. It's the key because all my goals are pointing to it right now. and yet, I'm so scared, frightened of my own shadow.
I will endure this. I will take the necessary steps to walk forward and to embrace myself with kindness and love. FLYING is back in my vocabulary, so are so many of my other NAMINGS. Next month at this time, I will be different, I will have faced my fears and I will have done so because it's what I want.
Harriet says, I just need experience - this is how I'm going to do it. I am going to stand up for myself and experiment my new piece of my life style. I know I don't want the old negative behaviors in my life. I want more than that. I deserve more than that. SEE WHAT I MEAN, WHEN I READ THAT SENTENCE, I REALIZED I AM LIVING MY LIFE STYLE. what an AHA moment for me. |
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September 26, 2005, 8:58 am PDT
Brenda, you are still reading Chapter 4 aren't you. Have you started Chapter 5 or 6 yet? From your responses to everyone, the answer is no. What happened at the support group has a lot to do with HOW YOU GOT THERE. These are your words:
So after just a couple of months doing the individual sessions I requested to join his group. I knew from talking to my co-workers that he HIGHLY valued his group. He wanted to know ‘why’ I wanted to join his group. So I explained my situation. He was thoughtful and asked me if I had spoken with my supervisor. (She and he were quite close. She had been a part of so many of his experiential Group Training Sessions over the years.) He was somewhat reluctant, saying, “You know it would be real easy for you to just get lost in a group process, Brenda.” I assured him that I wouldn’t just get lost. After some debating he reluctantly agreed, saying, “Okay, but if I see you falling through the cracks, I’m gonna snatch you out of there so fast that you won’t be able to finish your last sentence!” I agreed, but I really sensed that there was something more to his reluctance, than my wellbeing. Was he afraid that my presence alone would ruin his group? Was he afraid that I wasn’t as ‘arrived’ as the others in his group? (I wasn’t as arrived as they were and I knew it, even before I met them.) What exactly was that other part of his reluctance about? I was too afraid to ask. I had learned that he could become quite easily offended at… I still don’t know what.
You wanted in the group - not him. He didn't want you. You were told to go by your supervisor. It wasn't your choice.
All you have done is validated yourself to HOW YOU RESPONDED and not WHY YOU NEEDED THIS IN YOUR LIFE. the bottomline: YOU TREAT PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU. Why did you want this experience. What was your payoff?
You have done what I did when I first read Self Matters. I had so much KNOWLEDGE, so I used it. And I was wrong. That's why I had to read the book so I can get an idea of what I needed to do to stop me from bringing the nastiness into my life. When I finally gave myself permission to just read the book, do the exercises as they came and ALLOW MYSELF TO DO IT by committing 1 year of my life to focusing on this tool, I came away with the understanding of my PAYOFFS as well as experimenting with my SEWING GOAL to teach myself the tools in the book.
Brenda, if I seem harsh - I do not mean to be. I would love to see you work thru your FAULTY THINKING and obtain the peace and understanding that many of us are reaching. It's scary and it's frightening - it's why we revert back to old behaviors/habits. It's why I'm re-reading Harriet's book: FEAR & OTHER UNINVITED GUESTS. I am learning to understand what the WALL is that derails me and has me starting over and over again.
It's a slow process yet, in less than 2 years (I commited to Self Matters on 3/9/04) and I've reached so many different levels in my life! Dr. Phil says you can do it in less than 1 year - he's certainty right! I can't believe how far I've come. (It took me 2 years because I fought the entire way! I really wanted to prove Dr. Phil a liar - I couldn't.) Now, with the knowledge I'm learning my Harriet, the walls won't hold me back anymore. I have renamed them FEAR & ANXIETY. I am right now gaining the necessary experience to face the next day!
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September 26, 2005, 3:23 pm PDT
Quote From: marcia52 Brenda, you are still reading Chapter 4 aren't you. Have you started Chapter 5 or 6 yet? From your responses to everyone, the answer is no. What happened at the support group has a lot to do with HOW YOU GOT THERE. These are your words:
So after just a couple of months doing the individual sessions I requested to join his group. I knew from talking to my co-workers that he HIGHLY valued his group. He wanted to know ‘why’ I wanted to join his group. So I explained my situation. He was thoughtful and asked me if I had spoken with my supervisor. (She and he were quite close. She had been a part of so many of his experiential Group Training Sessions over the years.) He was somewhat reluctant, saying, “You know it would be real easy for you to just get lost in a group process, Brenda.” I assured him that I wouldn’t just get lost. After some debating he reluctantly agreed, saying, “Okay, but if I see you falling through the cracks, I’m gonna snatch you out of there so fast that you won’t be able to finish your last sentence!” I agreed, but I really sensed that there was something more to his reluctance, than my wellbeing. Was he afraid that my presence alone would ruin his group? Was he afraid that I wasn’t as ‘arrived’ as the others in his group? (I wasn’t as arrived as they were and I knew it, even before I met them.) What exactly was that other part of his reluctance about? I was too afraid to ask. I had learned that he could become quite easily offended at… I still don’t know what.
You wanted in the group - not him. He didn't want you. You were told to go by your supervisor. It wasn't your choice.
All you have done is validated yourself to HOW YOU RESPONDED and not WHY YOU NEEDED THIS IN YOUR LIFE. the bottomline: YOU TREAT PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU. Why did you want this experience. What was your payoff?
You have done what I did when I first read Self Matters. I had so much KNOWLEDGE, so I used it. And I was wrong. That's why I had to read the book so I can get an idea of what I needed to do to stop me from bringing the nastiness into my life. When I finally gave myself permission to just read the book, do the exercises as they came and ALLOW MYSELF TO DO IT by committing 1 year of my life to focusing on this tool, I came away with the understanding of my PAYOFFS as well as experimenting with my SEWING GOAL to teach myself the tools in the book.
Brenda, if I seem harsh - I do not mean to be. I would love to see you work thru your FAULTY THINKING and obtain the peace and understanding that many of us are reaching. It's scary and it's frightening - it's why we revert back to old behaviors/habits. It's why I'm re-reading Harriet's book: FEAR & OTHER UNINVITED GUESTS. I am learning to understand what the WALL is that derails me and has me starting over and over again.
It's a slow process yet, in less than 2 years (I commited to Self Matters on 3/9/04) and I've reached so many different levels in my life! Dr. Phil says you can do it in less than 1 year - he's certainty right! I can't believe how far I've come. (It took me 2 years because I fought the entire way! I really wanted to prove Dr. Phil a liar - I couldn't.) Now, with the knowledge I'm learning my Harriet, the walls won't hold me back anymore. I have renamed them FEAR & ANXIETY. I am right now gaining the necessary experience to face the next day!
Marcia, Thank You for your feedback. Your words were NOT too harsh. I think that I’m struggling with the PMS stuff, and in working on Chapter 4 and uncovering REALLY unaddressed things. Truthfully, I’ve been blown away by my own personal responses to everything from my history to failing to intervene in my own process to the things that I’ve posted on the message board! Today, I was just looking back at the things I had recently posted and saying to myself, “Now, Brenda, was ALL of that totally NECESSARY?!?!” AND “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!” I REALLY do appreciate your feedback ! I suppose that because I am finding ‘new stuff’ as I’m reviewing all of this and finding new stuff that I should have noticed at the time of these events. I do appreciate all of your feedback. I think that MY PRIMARY problem since the message boards came back up AND I re-started ‘Self Matters’ I’ve been HORRIBLE in just BLASTING the message board with all of this ‘Bravo Sierra’, of revelation.
For me, I believe that ‘fleeing’ anything that I find disturbing IS part of a VERY OLD PATTERN of behavior that has not served me well. So, I do not believe that just moving from task to task, for me would be anything short of doing want I’ve always done. What I DO believe is that my responses to these things NEEDS some fine tuning. Such as NOT BLASTING the message board when I am feeling overwhelmed with new revelations. I do completely understand the ultimate goal of the book through self examination, including faulty thinking to find peace and understanding. That’s why I picked it up. In working in Chapter 4. I am ALREADY coming up with some rather glaring faulty thinking on my part, in any number of ways. For example: In just reading my OWN posts! Which generated, quite a bit of embarrassment for me that was ALL self created. That was before even encountering your message. So, needless to say, THIS NEEDS WORK!!!!
Again, I do Thank You for your feedback. All of this is stuff I need to consider as I work through the material and do the exercises. I also, have not considered something that Teri had mentioned and that is that I, as well, am not ‘terminally unique’. Brenda |
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