Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Thank you, I appreciate it very much. I found Dr. Phil's books online & have ordered all the ones I could find from the Library Of The Blind.

I told you there was a lot to my story...Lol.

I hope I'll be able to follow his advice like you have & become a better person because of it! (hopeful smile)

Well, I hope the same will be true for me. The thing is, it's hard to move away from your past when your still kind of living in it.

I told you there was alot to my story, so here goes...

I was born blind, & I've had 63 reconstructive operations on my face, first to create a face, then to build up the bone structure of that face. I'm 21 now, & graduated public high school back in December of 2003 6 months earlier then the rest of my classmates. All through my public education I was punched, kicked, & spit on. Kids hated me because I didn't look exactly like them. & at home, my parents used me as their psychotherapist. I was to make the decisions on who was right & who was wrong when they argued. My mom was sexually abused, & she would tell me about it all the time. I know she had good intentions & was doing it for the right reasons. She wanted me to be safe, & to know that if the worst did happen, I could ALWAYS, ALWAYS go to her, something she hadn't known as a child when she was abused. So I know she did it for the right reasons, but that combined with the brutal attacks on my person (committed by mostly boys), has left me extremely uncomfortable around most men.

Now I have a Stepmom because my parents divorced back in 2005. My mom left in March of 2004 though. So now I'm right back in the same role I was in before. Handling some disciplinary things with the 2 girls, trying to monitor my 16-year-old sister to make sure she's ok, watching over my parents domestic partnership to make sure their ok, & there's no way out. I have no job, am unable to go to college at the moment, & have no transportation most of the time (because both of my parents work), leaving me isolated from the outside world, & with friends over the computer as one of my few contacts. I rarely get out for anything, & don't see how I can untangle myself from my parents problems when I'm living under the same roof. I know they can't cover all their bills, I know when one of my sisters is causing them problems (which in my opinion they don't handle correctly), & I know when something's wrong between them, or when my Mom is having a hard time understanding why my blood sister is acting the way she is towards her & my 2 little stepsisters.

Add to all that the fact that my other mother is going to die of Systemic Limited Scleroderma & that my best friend who lives about 20 minutes away from me has irreversible eye damage, & you get a cauldron of depression & hopelessness.

I have a few hopes & dreams, but why reach for them when their impossible to attain?

I've been in contact with the Commission for the Blind here in MI, but they say they can't help me. Their funding has been cut by 60%, & even when I was on their case load a long time ago they weren't helping me so I told them to close my case. They would tell me about job fairs then turn around & say that I needed to find my own transport.

70% of blind people are unemployed & I'm one of them. (disappointed) The majority of the 30% who are employed are selling snacks out of vending machines on government owned property!! (angry)!!!

This is America for Pete's sake! Just because I'm blind doesn't mean I can't do anything! I'm blind, not deaf or mute, or unintelligent. & people who are deaf, or mute, or don't have the highest IQ's can work as well! I have the same wants & needs, goals & aspirations as most people do! So why am I being treated like a second class citizen without any feelings???

Anyway, I apologize for how long this is, & if you have any questions about my blindness at all, please feel free to ask! I did public speaking back in school, so I'm perfectly fine with anything you might ask.

& the question I get asked most often, how do I get on the computer? (smile)

I have a program called JAW'S that allows me to surf the net, download music, & post to message boards & send/receive email.

Thank you for listening,

Michelle

Thank you for your questions. Even though they are now moot, I had to answer them for myself. I also had to go back and think about WHY I would have displaced responsibility for that heath care professional’s profoundly inappropriate conduct onto myself. There are some boundaries you just don’t cross, professionally! For example: As an RN making a choice to make care that I offer to a surgical patient ‘sexual’ constitutes patient abuse. It’s just like, if you go to your GYN for an annual check-up and he makes a comment like that while you’re in the stirrups. It’s always unethical, always unprofessional and just plain wrong! Sure you may discuss sexual issues with your GYN- and you should when you have a problem-but that never gives him permission to personalize your questions or sexual concerns.

When I thought about the situation, I remembered the hundreds of times this guy just announced to the group that I had serious problems of jealousy with the narcissist. Well, I did have problems with the narcissist. My problems with her did not involve jealousy. Her motives were made clear to me, by her. She ongoingly demonstrated those motives for me in that group. She told me and then she showed me. Her intent was to corrupt specific peoples- typically other women’s- work in that group. She felt they were unworthy of time in her group. She felt that these specific individuals deserved “their, dull, meaningless, dreary, humdrum, uninteresting little terrors.” and, she resented the fact that they were using her group and time in her group with what she termed “such monotonous nonsense!” and dismissed them as, “A mind-numbing waste of my time. I won’t just sit and listen to that…”

I was becoming miserable and crestfallen because not only was the group leader not addressing, her intrusive dominance of the group, when I did confront her he angrily called me jealous, stupid, implying that I was crazy and the others in the group followed his example and he re-doubled his efforts to make his labels stick. To be honest I was really beginning to feel crazy in that group. Outside that group the rest of world just didn’t work that way!

Being a whistle-blower was costly. Remember the clock waver who when I walked in on a very loud, raging argument between herself and the narcissist, that could easily be heard throughout the downstairs of the old mansion that had been refurbished for office space? At a time when ALL of the members of the group were saying, “Problem? I don’t see a problem. Do you see a problem?” Well, I again asked if there was a problem as I was taking my seat. In that moment, she came over to me, furious, only inches from my face screeching, “You are the ONLY problem that this group has! Do you understand or are you just too dense to get that?!?” The group leader nodded and supported that with his silence as did the other women. The men seemed uncomfortable. I believe that was when I re-assigned blame for their corrupted process onto myself.

I now recognize that my twin sister and I BOTH have historically been whistles-blowers. There are serious consequences for making the choice to become a whistle-blower. I was deeply hurt to learn that a therapist that I had known and trusted for three years, had shared all of my most sensitive, most vulnerable, most horrible history with, would use my trust and faith in him in that way. But, that's what he did.

Getting to a feeling level with anyone carries enormous risks.There are serious consequences that come with getting to a 'feeling' level.  

So, when I walked out of that group every Tuesday, I was literally walking back into sanity! Thank God, the rest of my world was filled with people who saw me as a person of worth and value. Whether we agreed or disagreed I had some dear and loyal friends.

Brenda

I see what your saying. I don't go to church, but I was talking to my friend about seeing if I could get help from them anyway.

As far as bus passes, I know I can't get those because I live to far out. I'm on the border between two counties, & neither of them will come out of their jurisdiction or cross the border if you will, to come & get me. I've been denied by both of them already.

As I say though, I see what your saying, & after I vented yesterday I went to some other message boards asking around about volunteers, & how I could find them. I've already been in contact with community places, but they weren't of any assistance. Since we live right on the border, everyone tries to pawn you off on everyone else. Lol. Flint sends me to Saginaw, Saginaw tries to send me back to Flint. It's just a big mess. (smile)

But I've ordered those books, & I am looking at the church. Thank you for reading! (smile)

Michelle