Thank you for your questions. Even though they are now moot, I had to answer them for myself. I also had to go back and think about WHY I would have displaced responsibility for that heath care professional’s profoundly inappropriate conduct onto myself. There are some boundaries you just don’t cross, professionally! For example: As an RN making a choice to make care that I offer to a surgical patient ‘sexual’ constitutes patient abuse. It’s just like, if you go to your GYN for an annual check-up and he makes a comment like that while you’re in the stirrups. It’s always unethical, always unprofessional and just plain wrong! Sure you may discuss sexual issues with your GYN- and you should when you have a problem-but that never gives him permission to personalize your questions or sexual concerns.
When I thought about the situation, I remembered the hundreds of times this guy just announced to the group that I had serious problems of jealousy with the narcissist. Well, I did have problems with the narcissist. My problems with her did not involve jealousy. Her motives were made clear to me, by her. She ongoingly demonstrated those motives for me in that group. She told me and then she showed me. Her intent was to corrupt specific peoples- typically other women’s- work in that group. She felt they were unworthy of time in her group. She felt that these specific individuals deserved “their, dull, meaningless, dreary, humdrum, uninteresting little terrors.” and, she resented the fact that they were using her group and time in her group with what she termed “such monotonous nonsense!” and dismissed them as, “A mind-numbing waste of my time. I won’t just sit and listen to that…”
I was becoming miserable and crestfallen because not only was the group leader not addressing, her intrusive dominance of the group, when I did confront her he angrily called me jealous, stupid, implying that I was crazy and the others in the group followed his example and he re-doubled his efforts to make his labels stick. To be honest I was really beginning to feel crazy in that group. Outside that group the rest of world just didn’t work that way!
Being a whistle-blower was costly. Remember the clock waver who when I walked in on a very loud, raging argument between herself and the narcissist, that could easily be heard throughout the downstairs of the old mansion that had been refurbished for office space? At a time when ALL of the members of the group were saying, “Problem? I don’t see a problem. Do you see a problem?” Well, I again asked if there was a problem as I was taking my seat. In that moment, she came over to me, furious, only inches from my face screeching, “You are the ONLY problem that this group has! Do you understand or are you just too dense to get that?!?” The group leader nodded and supported that with his silence as did the other women. The men seemed uncomfortable. I believe that was when I re-assigned blame for their corrupted process onto myself.
I now recognize that my twin sister and I BOTH have historically been whistles-blowers. There are serious consequences for making the choice to become a whistle-blower. I was deeply hurt to learn that a therapist that I had known and trusted for three years, had shared all of my most sensitive, most vulnerable, most horrible history with, would use my trust and faith in him in that way. But, that's what he did.
Getting to a feeling level with anyone carries enormous risks.There are serious consequences that come with getting to a 'feeling' level.
So, when I walked out of that group every Tuesday, I was literally walking back into sanity! Thank God, the rest of my world was filled with people who saw me as a person of worth and value. Whether we agreed or disagreed I had some dear and loyal friends.
Brenda
