Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

As Linda and I will tell you, it's about working out our patterns.  The things you need to be asking yourself is WHEN WILL YOU KNOW YOU WILL HAVE BOUGHT CLOSURE TO YOUR LIFE EVENTS?   sometimes, it's a matter of the law ... sometimes it's a matter of letting go of wanting something to be one way and it's not happening.  I'm never going to have the dream mom like I see others have.  My mom isn't ever going to be my friend and co-hort.  She's always lived her own life and there have been periods when I was working that we never connected but for me to take her shopping (she doesn't drive).  I know she loves me - it's just the way she is and has nothing to do with me.

When you ask that question, you can then begin to let go of the craziness.  It's what I kept telling my girlfriend about her son ... his ex-wife (as of last week) stole 6 months of the mortgage payments before she left him, tried to get custody of the 1 dog, took him for over $900 plus whatever she wanted from the house -- however, she made his life miserable before she signed the divorce papers.  The stress was putting him in the hospital -- he was losing 2-3 pints of blood .. since the divorce, he's not been feeling it. He now knows what his limitations are and he knows that he can get back everything .. cause they were just material things.  and guess what!  no word about him having to be admitted into the emergency room for the last 2 weeks. 

I may go with him to look for furniture on the garbage night out in the suburbs -- I need a new living room couch!  hee hee .....  

And remember, working with family and friends is hard work -- however, it's worth it in the end because once we work thru our fears and WHAT IFs ... we all soo discover it's all been lies and they still love us even though we aren't the same people we once were .. we are better!

I think that bullying is one of the most dispicable behaviors known to man. Anyone that is in a position of power that is deliberately cruel is evil.

Yet even as a former victim of abuse and long term bullying at school etc... I have come to see how I enabled this behavior. Of course i didn't know I had a right to boundries until i was in my 30s. My first memory is being assaulted by my babysitters husband... i just 'knew' that i had no rights, no say, no strength, no substance and that I deserved to apologze for taking up space and breathing for existing........

I have learnt better and I am now happy to be alive and happy to thrive. I still have a very heard time trusting people and triggers i have to avoid.... but i know that i can ask for help now too....

anyways good luck all keep up the good fight and smile...........breathe........explore..........know that you have the right to exist and BE and be free........

Darlene

Thank you

For me it is about the patterns. Oh for sure. Its not about the law in my case. It is about the

letting go and the closure of the life events; yes that is it.

I have been very anxious about the closure and it is making me feel ill and insecure to the point that I am literally frozen; but if I can just put closure to this and hoping it will be in a few weeks then I can move on. If I cant get the closure I am going to have a problem with moving on.

Now I really want the closure now that I know what I am dealing with; but it doesnt mean I am not anxious and scared about it.

This is what I mean by realizing how truly messed up I was.  I can think back to being 8th or 9th grade and a boy sitting next to me in class always touching me in very sexual inapproriate ways.  I knew it was not right, but as an unnattractive, fat girl I was getting attention from an older football player.  Even though it was just in class I honestly craved the attention so much I let it go way to far and felt like a slut but couldn't or wouldn't stop my payoff of the attention.  I needed that feeling more than I needed a healthy self esteem.  That was just the start of my double life as a young moral christian girl and the allowing of boys to touch me and fondle me even strangers as long as they would pay me attention I did not care who it was or what they did to me.  As I am writing this I realize not only is this the first confession to anyone about this, it probably the first time I am letting myself be honest enough with myself to see I allowed all of this I wasn't a victim.  I found a coping mechanism for my lonliness and validating my self hatred.  I never even really dated anyone until my husband years later.  Believe it or not he was probably the only guy I have ever dated without the pretense of needing him to feel sorry for me to get his affection.  To this day and I have been married for 13 years he still doesn't know the sordid details of my life other than he knows my self esteem is not my strong suite and I have struggled my whole life to fit in with my family.   In my early teen and college years I just searched out guys, men who had tender eyes and let them do what they wanted so for one moment I could have someone "caring" for me and giving ME attention.  So you can't really say I was sexually abused.  It hardly ever came to intercourse and I was a willing participant just enjoyed (if that makes sense) the self pity and hatred of the aftermath.  Even though this is so much a part of my past, old feelings resurfaced momentarily  as there is a friend of my husband that it never fails on my down depressed days he senses.... knows ....and will call me and try to pull me into intimate conversation pretending to care about my woes, But I was able to recognize and stop his predator ways and my desire to feel I needed that from him.  I didn't need his advances......I am better than that now and I want to be okay and live a different life for my husband and my children and most of all for me.  I have been faithful to my husband since I have met him.  I love him.  I don't want to go back there because I can't get passed my past.  I know walking away isn't good enough.  I need to find my authentic self, I suppose what I have been looking for this whole time just in the wrong faces and places.   

There are things we can control and others we can't ... I had a hard time accepting this truth.   You can't control your family or your ex so allow it to go the way it will.

I used to write down on a piece of paper all the things that were going on in my life ... I drew a big circle with the date in the middle and then little bubbles with all the stuff.  Then I sat down and asked myself will these be in my life in 6 weeks?  6 months?  And if so, how?

Then I would give it to god ... I knew that I couldn't / wouldn't know how any of these things would go because they were out of my control. I knew that I could handle anything because it was in my life and God never gives me nothing I can't handle.  Sometimes, it feels like it's killing me -- however, I realize now it was just my own fears running amok in my head and I can control my feelings, actions, and thoughts.

So when I gave it to god, I then posted notes everywhere so that I could remember I had given it to God and that when it was over it would be over.

Does this help?

Yes; This does help.

I am going to do try what you suggest. I will have to just accept what happens.

Give it to God. I used to do that many years ago but need to get back into that again.

I am once again exploring my spirituality which I love. Need to do that some more.

In the past when I let go and gave to God things worked out.

Yes; sometimes it does feel like its killing me. So much emotional pain.

Thanks Again

I know from my own personal experience that I would feel emotional pain and run for high heaven.  Chapter 4 was really hard for me -- I read it did some of the exercises and walked away. I picked up the book a few months later and knew in my heart that the answer laid within it.  And it did.

I remember that when I faced my very first emotional pain that I thought I was dying .. actually had a small panic attack ... I laid in the bed and cried and prayed I would live thru the night.  It continued like that until I had racked up a couple of accomplishments and hadn't died. Then I knew that I was home free because I had memories of conquering that fear and not being hurt at all!  That was in 2005.

I always find myself returning to my spiritual side.  Sometimes I forget and walk away; however, it's slowly becoming a habit 24/7.  My goal this year is to set up my altar where I focus on it every morning or sometime during the day for at least 5-10 minutes.  I want to start my day focusing on the good in my life.

Have a good labor day weekend.  I have the A.F. Thunderbirds flying over head and I do mean flying over head!  It's been quiet for about 10 minutes now and I'm hoping they're done practicing.  When they do the shows, it will be loud once again ... makes my windows shake.

Have a good weekend also.

You know many years ago I had an altar and it was actually working.

You have reminded me of so many things that I used to be part of and do; but so many things

have sidetracked me; like getting away from a bad man and all that stuff.

Maybe I had to have all of that closure and now I can focus on the great things that I used to do like holistic health meetings and spirituality and attending workshops and classes.

I have decided to try and pick one thing a day and focus on that and also try and live in the moment. Need to read some scriptures today and meditate.

Thanks Again

Sidetrackedness happens to everyone ... so do deadends and just getting plain old lost. 

Glad to help and I'm glad you have memories you can fall back on in re-building your altar once again.  I'm in the process of doing mine this month.