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Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 11:20:02 am
Author : dataimport
Have you read "Self Matters" or become familiar with the process of uncovering your authentic self from watching the show? Share your story here.

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October 4, 2007, 11:44 am PDT

Thanks!

Quote From: marcia52

The one thing I had a hard time wrapping around was that the more I worked on getting my thoughts healthier, the more I couldn't and can not count on those who have been in my life the longest.  At frist it hurt like the dickens until I realized that they were just sabotaging me out of habit not out of malice.

 

Sounds strange doesn't it?  Yet it's true.  The hard truth is everyone is living to their own script and that for me to step outside the boundaries of my own script and theirs really messes with there head. And knowing that I can not change anyone and I too sabotage them to keep them in their script .. is just the norm.  We don't realize it until after the fact.

 

And they only can mess with me if I'm weak with my boundaries ... as I practice with my boundaries the more they simply walk away and live their own lives.  And I get all sorts of practice for all areas of my life .. including people I don't know.

Wow!  Thanks!  Your statement about "can not count on those who have been in my life the longest" really turned a light on for me.  Working through the book I realize how passive I really had become for the sake of everyone else, their life, their feelings, their happiness.  And boy, am I so tired of pushing myself so far back that I have had to wonder if I had an opinion about anything.  Does that make sense?

 

I don't think I'm liked very much anymore and yet it feels so good inside when I know I have stayed true to myself, knowing that self does matter.   But it does cause more conflict, doesn't it?

 

Thanks again for responding.

 
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October 4, 2007, 11:54 am PDT

Very Helpful!

Quote From: ritehere

 When you begin acting and living differently, others notice right away. It can be scary for them if say, you used to be passive and took their abuse silently. Maybe now you are saying things like "THAT'S NOT TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT!" or "KNOCK IT OFF!" in the face of verbal abuse, (what they considered their normal interaction with you.) I can relate this because it happened to me. My husband was raised by a dysfunctional pair, one of whom used verbal abuse and treated his wife and children as possessions. I knew this and had the mistaken idea that one day my husband would "get it" and realize that he was becoming the person he hated most- his father. But no, I had to resort to other tactics and start calling him by his father's name and not letting him get away with name calling a ridicule of me and our children. (In the end, it didn't matter why my husband was treating us this way- I understood it but could not forgive it while he kept it up. So I did what I had to do to get it to stop. Be warned, if you are dealing with a physically abusive person, or one you are afraid can get physical, don't wait around. This is a deal-breaker- GET OUT first, then work on yourself.)
At first my husband was surprised at my new reactions and attitudes, and the amount of verbal abuse got worse for a time. But I stuck to my guns and he eventually got used to the new me, and liked the new me better than the old me. I demanded that he be a better person, which is true love in action.
So, when you change, expect different reactions from others. Their "status quo" has just been changed and it wasn't initiated by them. They will either applaud your difference and fully support you, or they will display their fears and rebel. Be prepared for whatever happens, but don't let it cause you to backslide. Eventually they WILL adjust to the new you.

Your response was the second one I received and like the first, yours has been so helpful.  "status quo", hadn't thought about it that way.  I am not being abused in any way, I'm just ...."not being heard".  Do you know what I mean?  Now that I know "I matter", they just keep on expecting me to give and give and give, while saying nothing, of course.  When I do "say" or "behave" know I matter, it's like they don't even hear me and when I don't move they just keep on as if I agreed, etc.  Does that make sense?

 

Thanks again!

 
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October 5, 2007, 3:45 am PDT

Hi everybody

Hope things are going well.  I did glance at the other board but don't have much time lately.  Lots of real changes going on.  Learning how to overcome difficulties.  It helped in some ways coming on-line but some things don't at all.  Especially when it comes to being specific and keeping ahead of things.  Lagging behind is easier, especially as this isn't live.

 

Best wishes.  Speak from the heart, that's important also.  As being pent up and losing perspective is only all too common and trying to get too much out.  It's probably better to know much more than what is currently available and it can be difficult to know what that is, sometimes.  Also, freer expression and creativity is a skill often forgotten when trying to get something. ie. In order to change or adapt to a future world that for some, is old hat.

 

Nothing is simple in this world, just more familiar and dream-like, than others, and more intimate like our DNA, as opposed to the stress of the unfamiliar and different, that becomes familiar, with time and frequent experiences with change.

 

The bottom line - one has to sometimes reach rock bottom to go upwards.  And that's a fact of life, especially if change is to happen.  People say they have trouble getting the message through, I'm better, I think.  People observe the mood and place others are at and this social activity is something we all do or should be improving.  That actual changes being put in place is not for everyone but being balanced and to continue to improve and help others, is.

 

Thanks for listening/reading.

 

I'll come back occasionally but I've really said all I possibly can think of, for the time.

 

Taemanai 

 
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October 5, 2007, 6:22 am PDT

Yes indeedy I do!

Quote From: msnicegal

Your response was the second one I received and like the first, yours has been so helpful.  "status quo", hadn't thought about it that way.  I am not being abused in any way, I'm just ...."not being heard".  Do you know what I mean?  Now that I know "I matter", they just keep on expecting me to give and give and give, while saying nothing, of course.  When I do "say" or "behave" know I matter, it's like they don't even hear me and when I don't move they just keep on as if I agreed, etc.  Does that make sense?

 

Thanks again!

 I was described as "passive" by those that knew me and liked me, described as "doormat" by those that didn't know me.  I always figured if I didn't make waves and kept quiet, rewards would finally come my way, and people would notice that I was a good and worthy person. Instead, the treatment I got kept getting worse and worse.
The difference between me and one who goes about their life peacefully, without recognition or applause but still happy with themselves, was that I really wanted to be loved, approved of, and encouraged to do the things I wanted to do. I craved attention for who I was, but was too timid to ask for it. I mistakenly thought those attentions had to come from others.
Life has a way of throwing events and people our way that can teach us the things we need to learn. I needed to learn to advocate for myself, to stick up for the value and worthiness of MY life. So I fell in love with a man that was bound to treat me with disrespect until I stood up to him. In fact, it was a recurring theme in my life, I had disrespectful boyfriends and my first husband was the ultimate in betrayal! I stood up to him by kicking him out, only to beat myself up later as a "failure."
Isn't it liberating when you realize that it's OK to "matter"? It's not selfish or vain to put your life first and take care of yourself? When we do this we are more effective in the world and with others.
 
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October 5, 2007, 6:33 am PDT

Taemanai,

Quote From: taemanai

Hope things are going well.  I did glance at the other board but don't have much time lately.  Lots of real changes going on.  Learning how to overcome difficulties.  It helped in some ways coming on-line but some things don't at all.  Especially when it comes to being specific and keeping ahead of things.  Lagging behind is easier, especially as this isn't live.

 

Best wishes.  Speak from the heart, that's important also.  As being pent up and losing perspective is only all too common and trying to get too much out.  It's probably better to know much more than what is currently available and it can be difficult to know what that is, sometimes.  Also, freer expression and creativity is a skill often forgotten when trying to get something. ie. In order to change or adapt to a future world that for some, is old hat.

 

Nothing is simple in this world, just more familiar and dream-like, than others, and more intimate like our DNA, as opposed to the stress of the unfamiliar and different, that becomes familiar, with time and frequent experiences with change.

 

The bottom line - one has to sometimes reach rock bottom to go upwards.  And that's a fact of life, especially if change is to happen.  People say they have trouble getting the message through, I'm better, I think.  People observe the mood and place others are at and this social activity is something we all do or should be improving.  That actual changes being put in place is not for everyone but being balanced and to continue to improve and help others, is.

 

Thanks for listening/reading.

 

I'll come back occasionally but I've really said all I possibly can think of, for the time.

 

Taemanai 

 I'm amazed at the changes I've seen in your posts over the time I've been coming here.
You are absolutely correct about being online, it has it's good points and is useful, but can also hold us back if we tend to "hide-out" here.
"Nothing is simple in this world" is true in some ways, and not true in others. To my way of thinking, often things ARE simple, but we MAKE them complicated, because we are emotionally complicated ourselves.
Sayonara, for now...
 
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October 5, 2007, 3:19 pm PDT

It's always going to be a conflict ...

Quote From: msnicegal

Wow!  Thanks!  Your statement about "can not count on those who have been in my life the longest" really turned a light on for me.  Working through the book I realize how passive I really had become for the sake of everyone else, their life, their feelings, their happiness.  And boy, am I so tired of pushing myself so far back that I have had to wonder if I had an opinion about anything.  Does that make sense?

 

I don't think I'm liked very much anymore and yet it feels so good inside when I know I have stayed true to myself, knowing that self does matter.   But it does cause more conflict, doesn't it?

 

Thanks again for responding.

Life is about lessons and learning how to be who we are in our heart-of-heart.  And that's your own thinking getting in the way.

 

When I started to take swimming lessons earlier this year, I was sure the instructor didn't like me.  I said it out loud to others and to my friend.  And I was bluntly informed by those that worked with her that she really liked me and she was quick to tell me how the swimmers were rather proud of me and my friend. 

 

It's your own thinking that's on board.  What if you simply began to think, they like you .. that they want to be around you ... BUT BE CAREFUL of what you ask for ... 

 

Be sure to be very specific of how you want them in your life now.  None of my friends have left me .. some have changed our relationship .. they don't like being with me for very long because good things do happen around me ...  like I'm more positive, I see things differently and I'm friendlier.  Where I'm treated good, my friend isn't ... all because it's what they believe they should be receiving in their life.

 

Strange huh ... but so true.

 
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October 5, 2007, 3:22 pm PDT

You hit a chord....

Quote From: ritehere

 I was described as "passive" by those that knew me and liked me, described as "doormat" by those that didn't know me.  I always figured if I didn't make waves and kept quiet, rewards would finally come my way, and people would notice that I was a good and worthy person. Instead, the treatment I got kept getting worse and worse.
The difference between me and one who goes about their life peacefully, without recognition or applause but still happy with themselves, was that I really wanted to be loved, approved of, and encouraged to do the things I wanted to do. I craved attention for who I was, but was too timid to ask for it. I mistakenly thought those attentions had to come from others.
Life has a way of throwing events and people our way that can teach us the things we need to learn. I needed to learn to advocate for myself, to stick up for the value and worthiness of MY life. So I fell in love with a man that was bound to treat me with disrespect until I stood up to him. In fact, it was a recurring theme in my life, I had disrespectful boyfriends and my first husband was the ultimate in betrayal! I stood up to him by kicking him out, only to beat myself up later as a "failure."
Isn't it liberating when you realize that it's OK to "matter"? It's not selfish or vain to put your life first and take care of yourself? When we do this we are more effective in the world and with others.

You made me cry!  Shame on you - ha! ha!

 

It is liberating to "matter" but I tell ya....my relationships with others has taken a turn for the worse!  It seems no one is interested in ME.....unless I am interested in them first.   And to tell you the truth, I'm really not interested at this time.  So it is a lonely existence right now.  Husband is quiet.  Grown kids don't call or email unless I do it first.  But I hear you saying this will pass with time as they learn to respect me.

 
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October 7, 2007, 6:46 am PDT

Actually you are experiencing life ....

Quote From: msnicegal

You made me cry!  Shame on you - ha! ha!

 

It is liberating to "matter" but I tell ya....my relationships with others has taken a turn for the worse!  It seems no one is interested in ME.....unless I am interested in them first.   And to tell you the truth, I'm really not interested at this time.  So it is a lonely existence right now.  Husband is quiet.  Grown kids don't call or email unless I do it first.  But I hear you saying this will pass with time as they learn to respect me.

When I began living Self Matters, I quickly realized that every one is so busy living their painfilled lives .. going from one thing to the next .. never actually stepping back and figuring out why they were repeating their life patterns over and over again.

 

It happened to me as well.  I actually was embarrassed when I realized that I was the reason I was being abused at work .. my inability to stand up for myself and say NO ...  then I realized one quiet moment that they were too busy with their own life patterns to worry about me.

 

And then the wonderful AHA moment occurred!   That I could step back and fix my thinking ... and they wouldn't even realize it.  Oh sure, I was dragged in a couple of times into some craziness by them ... however, I wasn't being dragged in and getting lost by it. I was able to see it for what it was .. tried to fix them .. and that's a hard lesson too.  Wanting to share your peace-of-mind with others ...

 

Anyway, you are becoming the example ... the living example of how life can be different ... and slowly, and it's happening to me this way ... others are seeing how differently my life is and they all knew me from when it was really messed up ... they know I'm truthful, honest and that my life is so much happier now than it ever was.

 

You are a living example for your family and friends ... continue on the journey and they will return to you ... on your conditions.  Right now you are being given a gift .. a wonderful gift.

 
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October 7, 2007, 6:54 am PDT

I'm on track and I finally got it!!

I watched Oprah on Friday with the lady that wrote EAT PRAY LOVE ... and there was 2 things that I got from the show ... 

 

(1)  each morning wake up and write:  WHAT DO I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT?  and then allow myself to journal about it.

 

(2) write one thing a day that made me happy. 

 

The 1st one came at the right time ... I've been doing it for 3 days and my focus has been "why can't I just break this habit of creating new habits?  Why can't I just be doing it?"

 

And the answer has surprised me ... it's just reacting to how habits happen.  When I lapse and return to my old ways, it's just because I've lost momentum .. life has happened .. or I've changed my life pattern some how.   And part of this reaction is to feel POOOOOOR    MEEEEEEE   ... yep, a pity party ...  I just want it over with ...

 

and when you add in the SECRET teachings ... I realize that I'm reacting .... the same old way over and over again so I'm not doing something different.  

 

DO DIFFERENT is the mantra I learned from SELF MATTERS.  I'm always asking myself that and now I see that my pity party needs to be DIFFERENT.

 

and the Find 1 Happy ... goes along with my gratitude list .... I just don't want to focus on what I'm thankful or grateful for.  I want to recall a happy and a powerful me accomplishment for the day too.  I want to remember the good things that are occuring to me.  It's so wonderful to keep these in mind.

 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend .. I sure am!

 
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October 7, 2007, 9:25 pm PDT

I hear you...and...thanks!

Quote From: marcia52

Life is about lessons and learning how to be who we are in our heart-of-heart.  And that's your own thinking getting in the way.

 

When I started to take swimming lessons earlier this year, I was sure the instructor didn't like me.  I said it out loud to others and to my friend.  And I was bluntly informed by those that worked with her that she really liked me and she was quick to tell me how the swimmers were rather proud of me and my friend. 

 

It's your own thinking that's on board.  What if you simply began to think, they like you .. that they want to be around you ... BUT BE CAREFUL of what you ask for ... 

 

Be sure to be very specific of how you want them in your life now.  None of my friends have left me .. some have changed our relationship .. they don't like being with me for very long because good things do happen around me ...  like I'm more positive, I see things differently and I'm friendlier.  Where I'm treated good, my friend isn't ... all because it's what they believe they should be receiving in their life.

 

Strange huh ... but so true.

I have ALWAYS been available to sooooo many people in making their lives better.  I have been going down a road of loss for the last 6 years and none of those people have been available for me in my time of need.  The "real me" is so angry about that.  I wish I could tell them all...."thank you so much"..... for absolutely nothing!  I mean.....not a card, phone call....absolutely nothing! 

 

But.........it has been during this time I began to look at and search out myself.  In reading the book I realized I had allowed myself to be used so much, by sooooo many people.   And now, here I sit without a friend in the world.  And you are right...........I will be so careful as I allow others into my life.  It is great to realize I have that right.  And it is great to know I do not have to allow myself to be used for the sake of others. 

 

 

 
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