Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Thank you, Marcia!  You have played a big role in several areas for me to admit things to myself, based on your posts to everyone, not just me. 

This past weekend was a really good one!  Saturday, my husband and I started out for our hike out on the mountain.  We werer going to do some climbing versus just our "normal 13 mile hike" for a Saturday.  We got up to a certain point and it was sooooo windy and the air was horrible.  My husband decided we should turn around and go back home, as his eyes and his chest were burning from the pollution - mine were too!  Needless to say, I was relieved he wanted to go home. 

Anyway, we stayed up late Saturday night, around 10:30 - which is very late for us - we are usually asleep by 8:30 at the latest!  I woke up Sunday and the sun was shining - can you believe that?!  I can't tell you the last time I woke up and the sun was already out!  It felt great!

We decided that we were not going hiking and were just going to stay home and relax for a change!

We watched some football, took a little nap and then went out to the pool for 1 1/2 hours.  TALK ABOUT RELAXATION - it was so totally awesome!

We made a lot of progress with talking to each other the entire weekend.  I am really working very hard at all of this!  Sometimes I feel as though I am working too hard, which is usually when I mess up again.

That's when I feel like it's just not worth it!  I then quick jump back into the right frame of mind and tell myself I AM WORTH IT - besides, I have to prove to myself and everyone else that I AM NOT the lazy, fat, ugly, good for nothing person who will never amount to anything - that I have always been told I was. 

You know, with all the positive things my husband has told me for 7 plus years, you would think I would be over all of that by now, but I am not.  My mind still wanders back - especially when I mess up - and it's hard to change that way of thinking.  Well, at least it was hard, it's getting a lot easier to jump back into where I need to be - REALITY!

OH!  I have to tell you, when we were watching football, there was this one commercial that came on.  It showed 3 or 4 women who were thin as toothpicks wearing short dresses - you know the type, knockouts.  When the commercial was over, my husband looked at me and said, " I wouldn't trade you for any one of them, or anyone else for that matter."

I broke out into tears, I was so happy!  I think he is finally starting to see how hard I am working to fix my self and our marriage, and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,  beginning to have a little bit of belief and faith in me again???????!!!!!!!!!!

I agree with you about being afraid to start your diary!

I was afraid myself when I started mine, I guess because it means taking a good hard look at yourself and admitting that you are not perfect, that you are only human and make mistakes.

Wondering about life is normal, I do it too!  As far as the counselor you went to, they are not all alike.  Unless you firmly believe in NOT taking pills / medications, search for another one and keep searching until you find the right one for you.

I cannot take medications because they upset my stomach, even an aspirin bothers me.  I have been diagnossed with Adult ADD.  Right away, it was bring on the medications.  I said no and went to find another therapist.  The same thing happened 2 more times.  I finally talked to my husband about it and we agreed that he would help me work it out without the medication and he would be my therapist.

You know, I guess I have to admit that I am very blessed to have the man I have.  I have finally realized, even more so typing this post, that he is the best thing that has happened to me and he has been there right in front of me for 7 plus years and I never realized it!  He really and truly is my everything - doctor, dentist, massage therapist, hairdresser, shopper, chef - you name it he is there and does it.  If he doesn't do it himself, we do it together.  I'll never know why I kept fighting it for the past year or so - FEAR, I guess - or just plain old stupidity!

Anyway - keep entering in your diary, it gets a lot easier the more you do.  And a lot more fun when you start to look forward to making those entries!

Good luck and remember - we are all here for you!

Time to write in my diary!

Right now, I'm just dumping my TO DO lists ... I've dumped my thoughts and feelings in my journal and have all sorts of notes to sort thru.  I'm creating my 55th Year of Living memory book so that I can remember what I've learned during my last relapse.  They are such wonderful opportunities to see where I am in my life and if I'm on the right track.  I came out of this one so empowered.

And I'm with you ... reading too much into something is always going to get your side-tracked.  It's about stepping back and just following your own train of thought.  If you post, most times the other person does the same thing.

What you are discribing is called RELAPSE and it's just part of the change process.  You are responding to it like I usually do .. beat-her-time!!! 

See it as something powerful happening. You have been given a wonderful opportunity to review where you are and how far you've come.  We all relapse and we will continue to do it.

And as long as you continue to focus on that you are loser .. you are always making mistakes and getting off track, then you'll continue to do so.

Haven't you made any progress at all?  Maybe you need to do a gratitude list every day and include your accomplishments and good choices you've made that day.  That's what I had to do to help me swtich out of BEAT-HER-UP periods.  It really does work.

I will try the gratitude list.

Yes, I think I have made progress, I guess I just get discouraged because I want it all fixed NOW, not one day at a time!  I know that's not even possible because it took so long for all of this to happen.

Thank you again, for all of your encouraging words.

Onward for another positive afternoon.

Lori; I dont know how to address your situation and I am getting into your business but I can relate

to your marriage and your life. I read some of your other posts to get a feel for your situation and

it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. I say this because I was married to an abusive man for years and now we are divorced. I have been come full circle with this and been in extensive therapy and read tons of books and got so very well educated on abuse that I see that you are walking on eggshells and in denial about this.You question your authentic life and that is truly understandable.

I do not mean to hurt you in anyway but It pains me to see you hurting. That is what I get from your posts. Pure hurt and pain that breaks my heart for you. I feel this because I was there like you.

You say that this guy saved you from your divorce? In one of your posts you mention that you work

and he is retired and you still have to go home and clean? Why he cant he clean if he is home all day?

My emotions are going crazy right now with your posts and I am filled with so much emotion I will stop before I say something I regret if I havent already.

Please I urge you to go over and read the abuse board and ask questions over there on dr.Phil.

I am sorry if I went over the boundaries here but abuse hits a personal note for me and hoping you will understand where I am coming from.

Sorry, my new internet connection is lacking!!!

In my last post to you, I was actually commenting on my father; the irony that he is, incapable of seeing well enough to drive BUT CAN see well enough go into the pitch black night, along the river to help a friend look for a deer, that the friend had shot!

My comment about being unable to set limits then was because he was in the woods looking for the deer and NOT present for any conversation limit-setting or anything else!

Thanks,

Brenda

Sorry, my new internet connection is lacking!!!

In my last post to you, I was actually commenting on my father; the irony that he is, incapable of seeing well enough to drive BUT CAN see well enough go into the pitch black night, along the river to help a friend look for a deer, that the friend had shot!

My comment about being unable to set limits then was because he was in the woods looking for the deer and NOT present for any conversation limit-setting or anything else!

Thanks,

Brenda