Message Boards
Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self
As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.
|
July 28, 2005, 6:18 pm PDT
 Quote From: kaatje Hello again,
Thank you all for your very sweet and good advices. It does me a lot of good to read other peoples opinions. It's going to take time to heal from this, and I am thinking of writing it all down for myself, to get it all on paper, but I know I will grow stronger after this. It was difficult to hear, but a lot of things fall together now.
My mother didn't lied to us for our own good. We think she is "ill" and has to lie all the time. I know for a fact now, she still lies about many things to me, to our family, to her boyfriend etc. We, me and my sister, have talked about confronting her but we don't think that will be very wize. We believe that our mother believes her own lies, we have heard she has been lying since her youth, and this maybe makes life "easier" to handle for her. She still is our mom and we don't want to lose her. We are afraid, that when we confront her, she will never want to speak to us again. She has lied about many important things, like for example, my father. They divorced when I was a little girl, and she always has told very bad things about him, that now all turn out to be false. We have "hated" our father for many years and, as it now turns out, for nothing. Thank God we didn't loose contact with him and the relationship with our father is growing stronger. I'm trying not to hold a grudge to my mom, but it's difficult. We have heard she has had help for her problems many years ago but she didn't want it and got away. It's very sad because maybe, with the right help, she wouldn't have to live with all the lies.
Thanks again for all the great and very sweet reactions.
And yes, Jo, I'm from the netherlands. I presume you are to by the sound of your name?
Greetings, Cathelijne I come from a family of liars, in fact, when you really look around you, very few people tell the truth completely. I know that if your mother is elderly, she's not going to change and she sees no reason to. It's something she has to live with and so do you because you want to be a part of a family unit.
For me, I accept that certain family members are liars. Whatever they say to me goes in 1 ear and out the other. I don't take it personally and I don't spend a lot of time with them.
Has your mother ever said to you: I can't ask you to talk to anyone because you are too honest". Mine has. I had to acknowledge a long time ago that I would never fit into my family's mannerism. In fact, when I was in High School, I really wandered if I wasn't adopted because being truthful has been something instinctively a part of my wholeness.
Have you done MER? Self Matters goes into it the best of all his books. It will help you move past this. It helped me a lot!!
|
|
|
July 28, 2005, 6:28 pm PDT
Quote From: kimbrem Please, whatever happens, when you read this, don't think me full of myself. I'm not. Although I do know the gift of my intelligence, I would sometimes love nothing better than to be an idiot. I haven't read any of the books. Maybe someone could give me some good advice who has read them. I am an intelligent person. I have been labelled as "gifted" an "anomaly" "genius", etc. I have heard all my life how "lucky and different" I am. I am not sure of the idea of being different. I know that I am odd. I know that because I am mostly off the charts if I put any of me into it. I have a great difficulty in dealing with the social stigma associated with what I am. It isn't difficult when I am in social situations. It's not difficult not to respond when it's just a conversation. When I am in school and the purpose is learning and exploring knowledge, I stand out like a sore thumb. I am going back to school again. I love studying and learning. I love knowledge like it is water. I don't exactly fit into the classroom setting. I know I shouldn't care what others think, but I do. I am wounded when I hear groans after I announce a topic of study that may seem a bit over the heads of my fellow students. I am crushed to be the object of hostility from classmates who think I may have messed up their chance at getting an A off a curve, because I have one honestly. The honest joy that comes from learning is tempered by the fact that I don't seem to fit. I don't really wish to be a person who stands out, but melting in takes the joy out of study. I do feel that it inspires in some jealousy. I would rather be seen as a person on the same ground, just who is a little more inspired. It is a little depressing to be outside the social circle. I have, in the past thrown my grade a bit. I never strive for a hundred percent. I really don't want a bad mark, but sometimes I just want to fit in more smoothly. A couple of days ago, I ended up feeling very hurt and being more frank than I should have been. After one person said I was messing up the curve for the tenth time and asked the teacher how this was affecting their grades, I stood and said "Do you really think I am going to fall anywhere on your curve. My score will likely be discarded as an anomaly." Rather than making me fit in better, I am sure I just emphasized the differences between us and fostered more discord. How can I honestly be what I am, and be part of what they are? I'm a real person not a prodigy or savant or genius or whatever social label. I have a million hobbies. I love my dogs. I never remember where my keys are. I have to check the iron twice to make sure it's unplugged. If I lose my glasses, it's slapstick comedy (Think crawling around the house two inches from everything). I think sometimes people only see certain parts and forget I'm just like they are. 1st - are you going after a degree or are you just taking classes to learn?
If you are not, than may I suggest that you audit the classes so that you aren't interfering with others. I too love to learn and getting my associate degree was so hard because I kept changing my major until 1 day, I finally said I can't go on like this anymore. Sat down with the degree list and figured out what degree I could obtained the quickest. I was able to obtain my associate degree in 1 quarter and that was years ago.
I thought about getting a 4 year degree but again, doing what!? I have way too many interests.
So - now that I'm out of work and looking for a new career - I finally discovered an AHA moment when the local university continuing education center offered a Technical Writer Certificate if I take 5 classes. They also have other certificates I could go after too.
There's no testing, no curves -- just me and a whole different way of learning.
I had to teach myself to be organize -- if I don't put my glasses in 1 particular spot at night, I lose them. Lord help me if I take a nap and I don't put them on the end table - cause it's embarrassing when you think you have to call someone to your house to find them. I have 3 dogs, 4 cats & a kitten (she found me!) and they are my family.
I stopped worrying about what people thought of me when I did Self Matters -- because I worried about what they thought and felt, I allowed myself to be victimized. I have spent over 30 years adjusting to being different.
My friends say I have a good heart and they have never left me -- I have people who still are in contact with me from Junior High School -- I know that my differences drive people crazy and that my energy drains many of them. But they are still in my life.
I suggest you pick up SELF MATTERS and find out why you feel the need to be a PART OF WHAT THEY ARE. |
|
|
July 28, 2005, 8:25 pm PDT
Quote From: marcia52 1st - are you going after a degree or are you just taking classes to learn?
If you are not, than may I suggest that you audit the classes so that you aren't interfering with others. I too love to learn and getting my associate degree was so hard because I kept changing my major until 1 day, I finally said I can't go on like this anymore. Sat down with the degree list and figured out what degree I could obtained the quickest. I was able to obtain my associate degree in 1 quarter and that was years ago.
I thought about getting a 4 year degree but again, doing what!? I have way too many interests.
So - now that I'm out of work and looking for a new career - I finally discovered an AHA moment when the local university continuing education center offered a Technical Writer Certificate if I take 5 classes. They also have other certificates I could go after too.
There's no testing, no curves -- just me and a whole different way of learning.
I had to teach myself to be organize -- if I don't put my glasses in 1 particular spot at night, I lose them. Lord help me if I take a nap and I don't put them on the end table - cause it's embarrassing when you think you have to call someone to your house to find them. I have 3 dogs, 4 cats & a kitten (she found me!) and they are my family.
I stopped worrying about what people thought of me when I did Self Matters -- because I worried about what they thought and felt, I allowed myself to be victimized. I have spent over 30 years adjusting to being different.
My friends say I have a good heart and they have never left me -- I have people who still are in contact with me from Junior High School -- I know that my differences drive people crazy and that my energy drains many of them. But they are still in my life.
I suggest you pick up SELF MATTERS and find out why you feel the need to be a PART OF WHAT THEY ARE. I am working towards a degree. The classes are biology and chemistry and then radiology classes and cannot be taken independently (which I would, if I could). I absolutely know why I want to be accepted. I normally don't worry about other's opinions. I am different. I know I am different and am ok with that. It is not gratifying to be "intelligent". There isn't a sense of self-accomplishment. It's just all chalked up to "being smart". I like people. I am not unpopular. I do have a wonderful assortment of peers that I am happy to be around. There are always other people who are "different" and they are usually very acceptant of others of the same or different kinds of differences. I like all people, well, mostly. I don't form negative opinions based on differences in intelligence, talent, religion, etc. It just seems so extremely difficult to be around people who have belief systems which make it ok to be hostile to others who are different from them. To me it is not acceptable to mock or degrade another persons beliefs. It's great to disagree and discuss/ debate issues. I so would like for it to be a part of my "educational experience" to foster that kind of discussion and debate. I would so want to face an open-minded set of peers. To me, it heightens my enjoyment and learning. My "differences" seem to inhibit that part of the experience. I am coming to realize that maybe if my "differences" are stunting those, it's not really my differences, but maybe that kind of open academic environment just isn't there. |
|
|
July 28, 2005, 8:30 pm PDT
Quote From: ritehere I feel your pain. Why is it that we revere some people with talent (athletes, actors, singers) and don't expect them to have a thought in their heads otherwise, and even excuse their bad behavior, but ostracise the more intelligent of us? I'm nowhere near the higher intelligence levels, but I have siblings who are. I once had the experience of moving from a progressive school system to a rather poorly funded (shall we say) rural one. I was 1 to 2 grades ahead of the class, because this school was not at the same level as the last, and heard alot of the groans you spoke of, so I can relate. The good thing was, the old school system taught us in a way that nobody was aware that some were ahead of others, and nobody felt dumb. It made for an atmosphere where learning was fun, that has stuck with me for life. In answer to your question, yes you can be what you are, and be part of what they are. Try doing something that you have absolutely no talent for, and ask for help from one of the people who see you as a "brain." If you fall on your face, laugh at yourself. Others will see you in a different way. See, some of them fall on their faces everday in class, or that's what it feels like to them. Never compromise on tests though, throwing them is phony. Football players don't compromise their talents to make the rest of the team look better, why should you? I am at least feeling alot better today. I guess stress always impacts the way you view things and the way you react to them. I am usually better at self-deprecation in a humorous way which has a way of easing the differences with my peer-set. I have just realized lately that I have been under more stress than usual and have not been able to respond with the humor that usually makes other people feel better, and therefore myself. Instead, I have been internalizing my peers reactions to me, and that's never good. Leaves me feeling bad, and them feeling worse. I just really need to practice that whole meditation and destress thing, i think. Kim |
|
|
July 28, 2005, 10:36 pm PDT
Quote From: kimbrem I am at least feeling alot better today. I guess stress always impacts the way you view things and the way you react to them. I am usually better at self-deprecation in a humorous way which has a way of easing the differences with my peer-set. I have just realized lately that I have been under more stress than usual and have not been able to respond with the humor that usually makes other people feel better, and therefore myself. Instead, I have been internalizing my peers reactions to me, and that's never good. Leaves me feeling bad, and them feeling worse. I just really need to practice that whole meditation and destress thing, i think. Kim I have to admit .... having positive conversations with peers and people like you has helped turn my own mood around. I guess because of the vicious circle of stress and it's affect on my own self-esteem coupled with a difficult social situation, which I didn't handle as well because of an already stressed mood just acted as as reinforcement to the first negative and created a terrible circle until I could remove myself and get in a frame of mind to examine it and respond with a better response. Some people will never like me, they have their own dialogue and events which influence their responses towards me. See.... I really am just like everyone else. I have to accept my own role in the cycle and make it as good as I can. That's my own issue. I would love to be able to just make everyone, including myself realize that just because we are different in some ways, lots of ways, lots of differences..... that we are all so very much human. There are no bionic people. Those differences are wonderful, beautiful things for the most part and I wouldn't do without them. I need to remember to do my own part in making it clear how I feel about the differences among us. Maybe the rest of the world will follow suit? I hope so. I wouldn't want everyone to be like me. I'm kinda boring. Thanks so much to you and everyone for helping me to reach a better state of mind and be better prepared to cope with these things. Kim |
|
|
July 29, 2005, 12:33 am PDT
Quote From: marcia52 1st - are you going after a degree or are you just taking classes to learn?
If you are not, than may I suggest that you audit the classes so that you aren't interfering with others. I too love to learn and getting my associate degree was so hard because I kept changing my major until 1 day, I finally said I can't go on like this anymore. Sat down with the degree list and figured out what degree I could obtained the quickest. I was able to obtain my associate degree in 1 quarter and that was years ago.
I thought about getting a 4 year degree but again, doing what!? I have way too many interests.
So - now that I'm out of work and looking for a new career - I finally discovered an AHA moment when the local university continuing education center offered a Technical Writer Certificate if I take 5 classes. They also have other certificates I could go after too.
There's no testing, no curves -- just me and a whole different way of learning.
I had to teach myself to be organize -- if I don't put my glasses in 1 particular spot at night, I lose them. Lord help me if I take a nap and I don't put them on the end table - cause it's embarrassing when you think you have to call someone to your house to find them. I have 3 dogs, 4 cats & a kitten (she found me!) and they are my family.
I stopped worrying about what people thought of me when I did Self Matters -- because I worried about what they thought and felt, I allowed myself to be victimized. I have spent over 30 years adjusting to being different.
My friends say I have a good heart and they have never left me -- I have people who still are in contact with me from Junior High School -- I know that my differences drive people crazy and that my energy drains many of them. But they are still in my life.
I suggest you pick up SELF MATTERS and find out why you feel the need to be a PART OF WHAT THEY ARE. I am also at a sort of life change in education as you are. I'm trying for the radiology program locally. I'm having a difficult time deciding where I want my career there to go. I have fertility issues and since we have had such a time getting through it, I would love to be a part of the community that helps other women to get help with that. However, since it is such a difficult, sensitive and emotionally draining aspect in my life, I am a little afraid it may be too difficult for me emotionally to be a part of that on a daily basis. I am having such a difficult time coming to terms with it. I am not sure if it would be better to separate my career from trying to in some way impact other people's struggle with infertility or if it would be less rewarding. I really want to be part of what makes a difference. Since this is something that has personally impacted me, my marriage and my husband so strongly, I feel this is where I want to make the difference. It was actually a big part of why I chose the radiology program. The field, tempered, of course, with financial and time-constraint issues. Maybe someone has some advice and some good 20/20 vision on this issue. If so, I certainly welcome it. Kim |
|
|
July 29, 2005, 12:46 am PDT
Quote From: marcia52 I too found the first half of the book very very painful. But I stuck it out because somewhere in the beginning a couple of things registered in my head.
When I did SELF MATTERS, what I discovered was that I was traumized at 8 years old. It was the 1st time I had ever ever experienced a major life event that lasted for nearly a year.
It started the day before Easter when my sister got hit by a car and nearly died. Later, I joined a dance school which is my soul and 1 day the teacher said I was terrible and then I never went back (I thought I had been thrown out of school because I was so bad) and then that summer I was molested by 2 neighborhood teenage boys and then we had to move and then move again. What made it worse was that at Sunday School I was told: Bad things happen to evil people. I took that as my truth.
The reality was: My parents had to sell the house to pay the medical bills and I didn't go back to dance school because of the bills not because I was a terrible dancer! When I moved the 1st school, I lost my friends and I was placed into a public school system where I was more advanced in Math than they were. With learning difficulites, I got lost and never felt comfortable doing addition or subtraction. And what that woman should have said was: Bad things happen to good people by bad people.
When I realized all that had happened to me - I was so shocked by it. No wonder I was screwed up! If I hadn't been molested, I still would have been screwed up!
Don't be afraid of what you will discover. If you are still living in your past and those memories are still painful, then it's controlling how you live.
I have never been so peaceful or comfortable in my life. It's like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Also know that once you have completed Self Matters, you can be a teacher to your children in a way that will help them all adjust to life events better.
The 2nd half of the book is fabulous. I choose to tackle a long time dream of learning to sew because I knew that I had some really negative tapes going on. But it was a goal that I could easily sit down and write what I needed to do/learn/practice. It helped me to adopt the tools into my every day life.
I would also suggest that if you get so anxious, maybe you should try meditation or BREATHING techniques to help you thru those periods. I used Dr. Lawlis' WT LOSS cd's - I got one of the earliest sets so I was able to play it when I went to bed at night. It was so cool! He tells you that you are a wonderful person and that you deserve the very very best. It was so amazing - I actually became addicted to them - especially the 1st one -- cause never before had I been told that I was a good person. My central problem is not that I have traumatic events in my past to discuss but I have strong feelings that there is something that I should know about myself. All of my life I have felt that some part of me is missing, what I don't know. I do not obsess about it daily but this very strong feeling crops up at the most inoportune times. I will make a concerted effort to continue on with the book. |
|
|
July 29, 2005, 12:52 am PDT
Quote From: ritehere Your sadness comes through your post and touches my heart. I spent a good deal of my life "in the corner" also. Take your time with Self Matters. Sometimes the memories can be difficult, and sometimes we need help with them from a professional. If this is the case, don't hesitate to ask for the help you deserve. Congratulations on 50 years of marriage and all of your children, I hope to accomplish as much as you have when I get where you are in life. You are the first person who hears my sadness and I thank you for that Encouragement to complete Self Matters means a lot
|
|
|
July 29, 2005, 1:04 am PDT
Quote From: teri_id You know, Life continues to be a learning experience. My boyfriend and I have pack goats. We take them into the mountains, and they faithfully carry anything we ask. Our oldest goat, Mackay, was with us the last time we went in the middle of June. While we were hiking, there was a rather large log we all had to cross. Everyone made it across, yet afterwards, Mackay stumbled a bit. He didn't complain or give us any indication that he was in pain, so we continued.
There have been may times since we came home from that trip that Mackay came and rubbed us with his head with tears in his eyes. I even remarked that I did not know goats could cry, but seeing this had a deep effect on me. Appearantly not deep enough.
Last Sunday we were in the barnyard giving the baby goats their last bottle and found Mackay laying down. At first we thought he was dead. He did pick up his head when I walked to him, and when I touched him, he was incredibly hot. We immediately gave him water to drink, which he drank half a bucket in just a few seconds. We got him to stand up and he stumbled on his front leg. I felt over his legs, seeing if there was any heat or anything and when feeling under his chest I found a very old wound, infected and gangrenous.
We started right away, doing all of the right things, trying to save our sweet goat. He is doing better, but only time will tell.
I have not slept well the last few nights because of the guilt I feel for not heeding those tears I saw. I felt it in my gut that something was wrong, and I ignored it. I have learned a huge lesson at an innocent friend's expense. Thus, I am carrying guilt.
I am not sharing this story for anyone to tell me not feel bad, how could I have known, etc. I am sharing this because I am trying to own my part, which was not listening. Anyone have any solid advice on how to help the guilt? It is not really helping anything, yet it has even effected my appetite. This sort of thing cannot be good, and in the past my M.O. has been to ignore it, pretend I didn't feel anything. Well, being authentic means being real, and my real right now is I feel guilty and I am not sure what to with it. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for "listening" to me. Teri I have issues with guilt as well. I share a similar type of event with you. A little over six years ago, I left my pekingese with my father so that I could go meet my now husband. I was going through a rough time in life and, after talking with my husband for some time about computer things and each other, I felt like it was time to meet and find out if he was too good to be true. I planned on either returning or returning to get my darling pekingese to take with me as soon as possible. I spoke with my father and he said he would take good care of him. My father is a man disposed to violence after drinking, and had not too long before left a sizeable( 12" or so) cut in my arm, not to mention choking and ultimately ended up at the other end of a 9mm I had bought (which I sold shortly thereafter, because I didn't want to end up pulling the trigger). He is not a nice man when he drinks, which is often. This I knew, but failed to adequately consider when I left that sweet, defenseless puppy there. Needless to say, I went back a few weeks later, having realized my mistake in leaving him and being filled with terror at finding him poorly disposed, I went back to get my darling. I found him with a ulcer in one eye that had eaten to the retina. We took him for treatment, but he was permanently blinded in that eye and forever left disabled and not whole. The worst part, I have no idea what he endured while there. I can only imagine, and it makes me so full of sadness for his suffering because of my very poor judgement. I can never forgive my father for his injuries. He was defenseless. I am still riddled with guilt for my own part in his suffering. The best part... my little darling, my husband and I are a very happy family. My husband helps me spoil him by giving him more attention than I possibly could have alone. The spoiled character gets the best of healthcare, the best of food, massages at least every other day, tummy rubs several times a day, playing always and laps snuggles whenever we sit. We carry him outside, down the stairs four to six times a day to potty, since he can't on his own. He has a full life and the vet is amazed at his health. He is still as healthy and happy as a puppy. I am forced to admit my husbands insight is correct. It happened, it's terrible it ever did. My little darling is still the happiest, spoiled, healthy and sweet doggy to ever walk the face of the earth. He's alright, so should I be. He is now thirteen years old, and has recently lost the sight in his other eye. I assuage my own guilt by making sure that he is well taken care of. He is spoiled and I am happy that way. He has forgiven me, he never held it against me. Animals are great that way. He has never associated me with that pain. He associates me with salvation from it. We should take our cues from them. You didn't hurt him, the stick did. We do the best we can. They love us for it. Just treat him with the best you can and make him happy. |
|
|
July 29, 2005, 1:21 am PDT
Quote From: kaatje Hello all,
I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago..... Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ? I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...
Í'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.
I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.
Thank you
If you have a family that is destructive or toxic, it just seems the normal way to be, not right, but normal. There is usually a feeling and even strong belief that this is not right. This is not the way things should be. In childhood, we are often helpless, in spite of all we do to change it. Our lack of insight, experience, and inability to fend for ourselves makes it almost impossible to change what shouldn't be into what should. When we make a break from the influences of those toxic relationships, it leaves us scared, uncertain, emotionally torn and left to figure out who we really are without them. There are so many aspects to discovery and self-fulfillment. I am on the same road. I am so lucky not to have ended up as a percentage point on someone's chart. I thank the gifts my parent's unwittingly gave me for that. I love my parents. I don't love who they are, but I am now relieved of any clouds that were previously in my eyes about who they are. Don't worry about what you are feeling. It's natural. There are stages to dealing with these things. Just try to move ahead through them without letting yourself get stuck in one that's toxic to you. Good Luck, Kim |
|
