Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

I do need to express what's on my mind and how I am feeling.  I feel hemmed in,  I feel wishful, I feel slightly frustrated, I feel more focussed but not, I feel I want to stop writing, but if I did, I don't know what I'd do if a real-issue came along and I had no way to express it.  I feel slightly imaginative yet too tired to remember what inspires me.  I feel ashamed at my inabilities, but at the same time, I put much more thought into things because I realise much more what is important.  I am amzed by some of the things that people write, but at the same time, I don't really know everything but I did know things that didn't get communicated at all, or not as well as maybe where or how I learned it.  I feel that what is true can also be false.  That oxymorons is the way of the world, and in some ways, reading is the only way to clarify all the confusion, in this regard.  That it can't be done on-line.  All for now, for another week (for me) 

  

This format is so much clearer, in some way,  I'm very appreciative of learning to become much clearer.  I can't do it for very long, in this way, but many things are a long, long road, that winds all over the place.   

  

Taemanai   

Life's Winding Roads by Donnie Winslow Sometimes we take the long way
To places we need to go,
We find that it's a winding road,
So round and round we go.

We think we find a shortcut;
It takes longer than it should.
Some turns that we make in our lives
Aren't really all that good.

>From here on out I'll take the straight away,
No matter the time in which it takes;
And hope that God will guide me,
And that I make no more mistakes.

Think about the road you take,
It may take you out of your way,
Do not take the roads I took,
In the end, you may have to pay.

Thanks for your reply. I'm going to find that article!

Thanks for your input.  You definitely understand what I am going through.  Good luck to you!

In Weight Loss Solutions, Key 4, Step 2 was what helped me to learn about triggers.   I know from previous weight loss times that a food log is the best tool for me to use.  When I read Key 4, Step 2, I asked myself HOW CAN I DISCOVER WHAT A TRIGGER WAS and I thought about the log I had started to do back on 11/18/03.  I went over them to see if I could see anything and discovered that when I wrote down what was happening to me when I went to eat, I could see patterns of getting derailed.   

  

For example, in March 04, I had been doing my log for a week or two when I became really really angry on Wed., so I went back to my log and discovered that on the previous Sunday I had been hurt and then I remembered that on 2 previous Sundays the same things happened.  So I journaled out what happened and discovered that I was re-living a childhood trigger of the family dynamics.    

  

Since then, I've used my food journal, like I am doing now.  I am an emotional eater.   When I undergo real stress bursts, my eating goes nuts.   And because of my  support group, I have to pick it back up and find out what's going on. 

  

This is a really good system for me as long as I am not focus on DOING the weight loss.   I pull it out and practice my new WANTED healthy life style experiments.   It allows me to be nice to myself and over time, I adapt the new behavior without knowing I'm doing it. 

Let's see what you are feeling is:  Exhausted, shame, confused, misunderstood - these 4 are symptoms of FEAR.   

  

Wow, for me it shows that I've learned to recognize these emotions/feelings just from your writing - my goal is to continue to work out FEAR so that I can recognize it immediately and have a plan in place to deal with it. 

  

Hope you had a good week. 

Yesterday's AHA MOMENT has caused me to stress out -- I bought closure to this on-going internal discussion and realized it was A PUSH - that's when I keep wanting to DO and I'm in PRACTICE MODE.  It's so conflicted within me.   

  

Using my food journal to record my eating habits & what's going on when I eat is allowing me to slowly tackle the "PING PONG" thoughts I haven't dealt with.   I feel like a robot bouncing off the same 2 walls.   It's really too much - I'm not sure I can do this of an entire month - I'll continue it this week for as long as I can.  It's going to be crazy --  Yesterday, I appolized to my friend/sister because SHE TOLD ME SHE COULDN'T SAY NO and I deliberately loaned her money.  I was her saboteur and my own as well (went against my Financial Goal: STOP LOANING OUT $$$ task). 

  

Any way, tomorrow I'll have the day off and I really truly do need it!  I want to just relax and just do stuff around my home - like vacuum my floor, transplant my plants, etc.   I don't want to think.  So I'm going to attempt a Key 4, Step 1 -- Incompatible Activities for the day.   It's an experiment day -- Let's see how far I can stick with it.   Need to see how I feel about it. 

Thank you Marcia.   

  

I appreciate your thoughts in this.  And yes, the vet stepping up was really good.  She handled things so well, and she was loving to me as well as our goat.   

Thanks again Marcia.  You have a wonderful heart. 

Teri 

Finally, a nice day for me to rev' up to sewing the X-mas yearly gowns.  But my reward can't come until I sit down and do the 3rd cleansing to the "clothes".  I will be moving into my next smaller size and I have been overwhelmed by the bulkiness of it all.  I have 3 totes & 2 boxes of clothes that I've either purchased or have been given for when it reached that magical size.    

  

Right now, I have figured out the line of jeans I'll be wearing.   From largest to smallest.  The hard part was seeing my summer clothes going away.   It's going to be NEVER when I'll ever wear them again.   I got some really neat clothes for the next size smaller.   DAMN, I got another accomplishment.... Since before May, I've been working on WHAT DEFINES A WARDROBE FOR ME...  It's been really crazy cause I love colors - the brighter the better -- and yet, I love the browns and golds too.   Really strange huh?  Any way, I'm still BEING my 52nd year of living goal work.   I've already written up 3 my 53rd year goals.   It's really neat!   

  

I have some major accomplishments and it's really so weird to me.  I mean, I accomplished ALL OF MY 1991 COMMITMENT:  CHANGE EVERYTHING I THINK, I FEEL, AND DO so that I can make my life less hassle and more calm.   DONE!! 

  

Now, I'm reviewing my life -- how many goals have I accomplished.   It's really neat ... it's like ... well every year I write up a list and then for about a month or 2, I focus on them -- then I walk away and see where my year ended up.  And I think the rule is:  1 out of 10 will be accomplished.   For me, it's more like 8-9 out of 10.   

  

I'm really enjoying myself!  This is the 1st time that I can remember not being in pain or frightened or scared or SHAMED because I haven't changed the script.  I'm still living that pathetic life.  Now, I have so much less and at the same time, so much more. 

 
Hi people.

I felt I had to stick my nose in and just quickly tell you that I'm okay and that I'm more tired then anything. I'll be going to Mum's this weekend for a quick visit and to sign some papers at the police. We found out the cause of death of my Father (12th on June 2005), it was a heartattack. For those who didn't know, he died peasefully in his sleep.

The other thing that's been up has been my brithday, on Thursday. I desperately need a new cell phone, but lack the money to buy one, so I thought "hey, here's something my relatives can give me money for!" - but no. To give me anything, they want a social party of the horror kind. I wont sell out like that again. That'd be going against everything I stand for and I view it as a rape of those things. Thus, I said "To hell with you people, if you don't feel you care enough to give me something without me doing the one thing you all know I hate, then I'll save money to and buy that cell phone myself."

And I'm proud of myself. Later I'll tell you about the first Critical Choise I found, but now I got to run to the bus.
Cheers,
Sanna-Terocia.