Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

About what I've written in the past, diving into it, I feel a bit embarrassed.  You'd think that a person like myself could know a better way of experiencing and expressing what all there is to living and loving life, there is so much out there, that as well as to make things better (but in a way, things, experiences and people that would bring a kind of happiness).

 

It is easy to say it is the journey but (I'm sure you all know) it isn't exactly the way we imagine it to be. To bring clarity to our own life and to sign-post our own (even group) mistakes.  Where is that band-aid when we needed it, when things end, and didn't reach the potential that we were hoping.

 

I hope this is a good start and renewal.

 

 

 

 

 I'm sorry if I came in unintroduced. I'll correct that now.

My name is Kim. I've been in the process of changing my life for six years. One step at a time. I have difficulty dealing with stress. I know it stems from my background. I am happily married and have a wonderful life now. My husband is THE Most Beautiful Man on the face of the planet! Finding someone like him who shared my very soul was one of my earlier steps in healing me.

 I have an alcoholic, abusive father who has a heart of gold when sober, a somewhat "eccentric" mother who is too self-absorbed to care about anyone but herself, a brother who deals drugs and sponges and uses and steals from anyone who is foolish enough to care, and one brother who has a severe psychosis that I personally comitted after waking to the end of a rifle and a conversation that indicated he thought I was part of a government conspiracy to harm him "the son of god". My parents encouraged us to hold each other down or help kick or hit each other. I can say thank god, I was never sick enough to participate on the giving end.

I faced too many crisis in my past with stressful situations. Other than the obvious ones of being in a toxic family where abuse was a "way of controlling us" because "we were out of control", I have been held up at gun-point, beaten until my ribs were shattered by a stepfather and left with a head trauma from three of my peers who didn't like me. I spent 18 months in juvenile detention after running away (the worst part was not being able to pick a flower or sit beside the lake). I really wanted to be peaceful. I spent about 8 years anoerexic off and on. My way of dealing with it in childhood was to curl up in a ball until it was over. I finally got angry several years ago. I got tired, then I got angry and then I started to change.

I jump at loud noises and startle easily. I hate confrontation.

I was "taught" to be a victim. I was taught that fighting back and leaving issues led to more pain. I have unlearned that, but now have great difficulty dealing with stress and conflict. I would rather just get away from it. I know that I seek love and approval because of my need for it in the past. I am getting over that.  I am lucky. My husband is someone I can share my feelings with. He is someone who respects how things scare me and how life affects me differently.

I love animals, I am moved to tears by the sight of new leaves and blossoms on flowers. I am inspired by art and love to dance to the beat of a drum. I find myself dropping off bags from Wendy's to those people holding signs at the highways. I hug strangers who cry and end up crying with them, for them. I can imagine the worst. I do sympathize with those who face hardship. I am somewhat hardened to people who abuse substances because of my firsthand knowledge of how it can hurt others. I don't drink because I'm afraid of "being like him". I have a somewhat diluted sense of humor. I am intelligent, but know it doesn't pave any ways. I don't dress up or wear make-up. I have prematurely gray hair. I've read Chaucer in the oldest language. I  value books. I love people, but I'm somewhat scared of them. I have difficulty trusting police because of my personal experiences with them. I only learned to speak the word sex out loud after I met my husband. I am 34, but my spirit feels one hundred. My husband says I am sappy, because I cry at the movies. The sight of a newborn makes me cry. The sight of a mother holding one tenderly makes me smile. The idea of talking about my background fills me with dread that people will see me as a person in that light. I am scared of being judged and saddened by the thought that I will be thought of in light of those things.

Now, I am attending school and trying to find my place in the world. I don't know how I can change things. We are infertile. I know some people would call this a blessing. I'm just not one of them. I know I can change how I deal with things and have made alot of strides in six years. I am slowly being deprogrammed in my responses and welcome any help in getting there.

Kim

I can't remember when I haven't felt that something was missing or wrong and I couldn't name it.  But it's not been around as much now.  When I did SELF MATTERS it opened up other memories that have helped me work thru some issues like my financial fears.  They aren't painful or make me feel stupid anymore -- I just accept that I was a child and the assumption I made back then was wrong and that now I am taking better care of myself.

 

I just feel different about those memories.   The only regret I have is that I'm 52 years old and not in my 20's or 30's or 40's - cause I would be in such a different place.  But I have a long life ahead of me (figure another 38 years minimum) and I have more than enough time to live finally.

 

 

It's strange how you can read someone else's life story and see connections to your's.  You wrote some words that sounded like my family. 

 

Seek the help of a professional therapist who is into Cognitive Therapy and better yet will help you work thru Self Matters.  It's a fabulous book that helps you to understand why do things or really not do things.  It helps to sort out your thinking and helps to reprogram you thoughts to a positive loving mindset. 

 

And while you do Self Matters, catch Dr. Phil's show because I've found that at least 2-3 shows a week I can catch something that I can relate to and use in my own life.

 

For me, I stepped back and off the roller coaster ride back on 4/03 when I first picked up SELF MATTERS and my motto was:  NO MORE GRIEVING.  I could only get thru the first 3 chapters. Then I found myself in a family death watch and caught Dr. Phil's WLC and by Feb. 04, I was reading SELF MATTERS from front to cover -- when 4/04 rolled around, I committed to 3 years of doing what was necessary to get back my life.  My motto was:  DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  It's year 2 now and my motto is:  PRACTICE  PRACTICE  PRACTICE.  Next year in 2006, I will be well on my way to finally LIVING and not in the past any more.  I only acknowledge the NOW - I can't change the past and I don't want to spend anymore time or energy rehashing it. 

It's over and it's done with.  That's the gift I recevied when I read SELF MATTERS and committed to doing the workbook and the exercises. 

 

Give it a try and see how it helps you.

I stopped dead in my last career - I had accomplished so much but my VICTIMIZE mindset ensured that I would never reach my potential and that when I attempted to stop the craziness, I was told I was too valuable and I came to work for a year or more with no work to speak of.  It didn't make sense - but I saw it as an opportunity so I chosed to deal with ME using SELF MATTERS.  I used my interactions with the people around me to help me bring closure to the VICTIMIZE mentality and when they offered me an early retirement at 52, I took it.

 

I've spent the last 7 months bringing closure to so many VICTIMIZE patterns and bringing closure to some long time goals (some over 40 years).  In May, I actually thought I was going to die because I had made a tape back 13 years ago that I would commit 10 years to heal myself and I remember telling myself I would rather spend the next 10 years doing this and if I died - I would be happy.  Well, that tape was a shocker let me tell you.

 

Anyway, it's now the end of June and I need to go look for a job in September.  I was thinking Kmart or some other store in the neighborhood - but I've always like writing procedures & processes; creating organizaiton where chaos reigns.  On August 10th, I'm attending my first class that will lead me to a Technical Writer certificate.  There's 5 classes I need to take.

 

I'm 52 and I have the potential to reach for my dream.   It isn't too late!  It's just a tape running.  Have you mapped it out like you were taught in Self Matters?  What are you telling yourself?

 

M

I lived with an alchololic for nearly 15 years.  He used to take his anger out on the dogs.  I remember him taking MUFF, our 10 year old and holding him by the neck as he swung the dog while walking throughout the house.  He even managed to hit the wall & door ways in his anger because MUFF did something that he shouldn't.

 

Imagine my surprise when he proudly stated how he had trained LUMPY when she was a few months old and had potty in the house.  He picked her up, threw her outside and knocked her out cold.  He proudly stated she never did it again.

 

When I moved away from him, I bought a home especially for them.  I had a 6' fence around the 2 yard property.   Large open rooms to romp in. 

 

They never knew such happiness.  And it helped me to move pass the guilt and shame.  Now, the 3 are gone and have been replaced by 3 more dogs, 4 cats & 1 kitten (all rescues). 

 

When the 1st 3 transcended, I knew I had done my best for them and that they never lacked from love or kindness.  Their last years on earth were filled with play, joy, and most of all knowing that they were never ever again going to experienced the craziness they had known.

Kim, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain except where the radiology falls into play. 

 

I know that the administrative career I chose was helpful in dealing with my emotions and victimize issues because I could earn a paycheck while I healed. 

 

Have you thought about going to a counselor that is trained in Cognitive Therapy to help you work thru your issues to help you to decide?

 

If you haven't been going to school for long then I suggest you focus on your core classes:  ENGLISH, MATH, SCIENCE, etc.  That would enable you to work thru your issues a little and then you could decide if you want to still do radiology or another health science career.

 

Check out the college HEALTH degree circumlium and see what is common for all.  English 101 is English 101 for nearly all of them.  The maths are different if you plan on going for a computer degree or science degree or health degree -- but there is a common thread.

I fully understand the hostility thing.  I don't judge them nor do I feel sorry for them any more. They are angry individuals and they chose to live in anger instead of learning to look at their anger and work thru the emotions.  They see the world thru pain.  I do fear them at times because they can do harm and when they do, they have excuses.

 

I long ago was given a tool and it was reinforced by Dr. Lawlis Weight Loss meditation cd's.  I surround myself with white light - like a shield.  When I know that I'm going to be facing those PEOPLE, I close my eyes, BREATHE, and then surround myself with white light.  I see their barbs and nastiness bouncing off of me.

 

What I've learned is that they will remain in my life as long as they can see me react.  When I no longer react they sort of walk away from me.  It's also an excellent tool for people who fall into the THE WORLD IS SO TERRIBLE - LET ME TELL YOU HOW BAD MY LIFE IS. 

 

If you practice it, it will be come 2nd nature. 

 

The 1 thing I've learned from my last job was that PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE CAUSE THEY CAN.  THEY HURT PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE HURTING AND WANT OTHERS TO HURT TOO!  This tool is an excellent tool to help you break the cycle of letting these type of people into your life and controlling your emotions.

 I have taken all maths, literature, speech, chemistry, history, logic, psychology, microbiology, government. At this point all that is left are major courses. I have been out of school for awhile, but it's great to finally finish this. I have considered going to a counselor for help in deciding, but really haven't had a clue what kind of professional would be able to help me make that kind of decision. It's awhile before I will graduate, so I will definitely seek out a Cognitive therapist. I wish I even knew they existed before now.

Thanks,
Kim

Thanks, I do respond badly. I have these moments that come on when I'm not paying attention. I internalize it in times of stress. I have been working on handling it, but obviously haven't gotten too far.  I really need to get the whole relaxation thing under control. I guess my personality doesn't fit well with releasing stress. I am always thinking about "fixing" things. I feel more secure when everything is wrapped up in a tight little bow. The problem is, things don't get wrapped up that easily, and they tend to unravel. I have to work on that alot more. Learning to recognize when I am getting overwhelmed would be great too. Gaddds, I became so used to just putting on a smile, pretending everything was just dandy, and takling everyone else's problems when the world was in Chaos, that it's hard to break that habit. It's really self-destructive, and I end up being worn out to no end, and being way worse off then if I had just stuck my head out the window and screamed one good time.  It's amazing that once I can recognize it and my response and part in it, the whole world opens up again, and in spite of any one elses reactions to me, life is just beautiful and they don't seem to matter so much anymore. I have to give myself a little credit. I used to sit in a corner and cry.

Thanks again,

Kim