Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

 I started to answer an earlier post, but I see that you have already moved on.
I totally agree with you, A NEW EARTH is another difficult read, and I'm glad that I read SELF MATTERS first.
Do you realize that when you are going through "allow the thoughts, breathe 3 x" when you are with your mother, you are giving yourself the "break" that Dr Phil's 4 truth questions also give you? And it is the same exercise as Mr Tolle recommends, to step back, remember who you are, and not react to the emotions.
It is the same message.
The reason why SELF MATTERS is a prerequisite is that Dr Phil teaches us how to stop the madness, and see it for what it is, in very personal exercises that pertain to our lives.
A NEW EARTH was valuable reading to me because it helped me to understand more fully how I identify with certain roles, and how easy it is to succumb to the old ones when faced with new challenges.

 OK, I can talk about what's up.
We are moving back to Colorado, and fairly soon. An opportunity has come up for my husband,something he's wanted for a good long while. He left the decision up to me whether to stay or to go.
I'm ashamed to say that base motivations reared their ugly heads, but I caught myself in time, and told him that the decision is his to make, since he would be the one to undertake this endeavor. I thanked him for giving me the power to give the go-ahead (or not), but declined the final decision.
Now, this is the odd part, you'd think that I would jump at the chance to go back and be with my kids and grandkids again. I miss them more than I thought I would. But I found myself anxious and depressed and couldn't figure out why.
And then comes A NEW EARTH, with lessons on how we identify ourselves. I realize now that after a year of renting and looking at houses, I was very excited about buying a home and settling down, becoming part of a community again. It was the feeling of being settled that I thought I needed. I identify with my home and all my belongings around me. (Some of which have remained packed all the last year until we found the home we were going to buy.) In effect, I have been living "on hold", telling myself that I cannot resume my routines until we buy a home.
I became depressed because now I'm going to be "on hold" for longer yet, as we will go through the same scenario as last year, uprooting and renting until we find the right house. I feel rootless, and instead of pulling myself up short and looking for positives in my situation, I've been focused on what I perceive to be the negatives. So, even though I'm ecstatic about going back, I've allowed my old nemesis- the victim- to show up and take over. (I felt out of control and began overeating and blaming everything on my poor husband.)
Like Dr Phil says, "there are no victims, only volunteers" and I really volunteered for the mind-set this time.
I know this sounds piddling to many of you, and I suppose it is. I wanted to illustrate my experience to show how easily we fall into old patterns of thought. Even with the lessons and tools I've gained, it happened to me. We have to remain cognizant of our thoughts, mindful in our actions, awake and aware as much as possible.

 I know you're having loads of fun! You deserve it and I applaud your generosity in seeing to it that someone you  love has a great vacation also.
"See" you when you get back.

I was journaling this morning about how my path has taken me down a totally different road than I could ever imagined.  I just knew that I wasn't going anywhere but living in pain and heartache.  SM allowed me to practice listening to what I was saying to myself and then work thru it.

 

Last night, I experienced a level of pain I haven't experienced since my 1st panic attack May 05 and Sept 05.  That's when I realized that Dr. Phil never wrote a book on FEAR ... so I found 3 powerful resources that helped me thru that time.   I still have them in my library.   Last night, I simply wanted to walk away ... this pain I'm experiencing is so multi-layered.  I realized that I'm dealing with the thoughts I have when I walk the dogs and see abused dogs & cats on the streets or in someone's back yard.  I feel a sense of NOT ENOUGH. This time, however, I'm doing everything I can to do whatever I can.  It's giving me practice to step outside of myself. That's one of the lessons this is bringing to me.

 

It was amazing when I realized that I'd link the emotion "sadness" with a whole set of DO THIS thinking process.  I can see how it's part of being human and was very much needed when I was learning to walk, talk, and adapt to my surroundings. However, it stopped being an access. Still need it for situations; however, practicing ACCEPTANCE is helping me to see that there's got to be a point when I stop DO THIS.

 

I found roles kinda neat. I saw myself at work & play.  I'm working on "function" myself. Being a homemaker, gardener are functions.  They're just my autopilot life pattern that makes me feel good and provides a firm foundation.  Roles ... they're interesting as well. 

 

And I've known for 2 years now that I've not had a plan on dealing with my mom ... now that I understand about background resentment, the breathing just disconnects me from it.  I know what the truth is.  It's just lack of knowledge / understanding to come up with a plan that could finally explain my behavior.  So glad I read that in Chapter 4.

We went downtown, to the Embarcadero and to Chinatown. I HAD NOT BEEN to Chinatown in years!

We are laughing so much! I CAN NOT remember when I've had this much fun!

 

I'll try o keep in touch!

 

Brenda

Can't wait for you to write about your fun times! 

After I named the emotion and how when I felt it, EGO would start up, I ended my day zoned out in front of the TV. No kidding .. and I'm so glad I did!!!  I was watching THE BIGGEST LOSER and one of them won this piece of cake which he had to keep safe.  He left it on the table and some one kidnapped the cake. It was so funny and it was exactly what I needed. 

 

I'm feeling more calmer now.  FOCUSING on keeping my emotion and the STRUCTURED THOUGHT PROCESSES which wanted to jump in and help .. just wasn't working for me.  But it was.  And I already can see the very next "life experience" coming my way. 

 

I want to go back to work. I want to earn money, fix up my home, and have some fun money.  I also want to use my skills because I really enjoy / love working. Always did!  I just wasn't able to handle the muck of working with people who are so emotionally messed up (I was one of them). 

I read your previous post about wanting a home again and all. When I read it I so identified with that whole post. For the past year or so I have been kind of wandering around the planet as I call it myself with no one place to call my own home. I sort of go back and forth with living in one place and then going and

staying in another. At f irst I was upset because I didnt know where I wanted to live or how or where or what the best place would make me the happiest. Then I know for sure that I always want the freedom to come and go and do whatever and that is from living with a controlling ex for so many years. Now I want to

be free and easy and I can be. So like you my victim mode came out thinking woe is me but the reality is that my life is pretty good because I can just about live anywhere and I can come and go and do what I like and there is no one to stop me. Right  now I am visiting with friends and family and having fun.

so I am really doing exactly what I am supposed to be for now even though I believe I want  the stability of one place it doesnt really allow the freedom that I so crave and have for now.

Thanks

 Sometimes "downtime" is exactly what you need!
Here's one of those "things" we run into when our receptive antenna is out:

Hubby and I were watching a documentary film on the astronauts and the moon landings in the late 1960's -early 70's. Not sure when this film was made, the astronauts were older and reminiscing- maybe you've seen it- In the Shadow of the Moon? Anyway, two of the astronauts were talking about their emotions as they gazed at the Earth in it's entirety out the window of the spacecraft. They evidently had the "awakening" that ET describes in A NEW EARTH. They used words like "epiphany", a "sense of connectedness", and "a feeling of deep peace." One actually said that the moon walk was an event and highlight of his life, but couldn't compare with the spiritual feelings it engendered, or something to that effect. I was very moved, I know the sentiment well. I've always felt that science is an attempt to understand ourselves and our surroundings and the pursuit of this knowledge is prompted by deep spiritual feelings. Albert Einstein called it the "numinous."

I'm happy for you, that you are looking outward and making plans. It's like Dr Phil says at the beginning of each show: "I want you to get excited about your life!"  That's what it's all about isn't it?

 See, all you have to do is put it out there and you find somebody struggling with the same problems.
When I realized exactly what was bothering me and decided to "re-frame" my thoughts around it, my mood lifted immediately.
Instead of thinking that I was being held back, held down, kept from, or sidelined, I began looking at the positives of my situation, like you said: the freedom of it. Thank goodness we don't have to sell a house this time! We sold the one in Colorado just before the prices took the big slide downward and got locked into a year's lease here in Ohio. We were not happy with that length of time, but in hind sight, it was serendipitous. The lease is up shortly and we are free to go!
Like you, it was the feeling of being settled, the ownership, the belonging, that I wanted, which I can separate from the actual having in my mind. My husband and I have each other, and home is where he is and he feels the same way. It's nice to have a nice home and furnishings, but how much do you actually NEED to live day to day? Not a whole lot as it turns out.
Oprah said something about learning to "wear our identities lightly", so I'm fancying myself as a gypsy for the moment. Hubby went out and bought me a new lap-top for our foot-loose days coming up, so I can keep up with things. He's a sweetheart!
This should be fun....