Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

I am loving my freedom so much now like you say here.

I dont need much anymore and I have gotten my whole life down to where it fits into my car.

Imagine that? Most of everything I own can fit into my car so i am pretty transportable and I can go anywhere without worrying about stuff. So If I want to live by the beach for a month I just go and

do it. If I want to live near the mountains I can do it.

Thank Goodness there are subleases out there to rent and short term leases. Right now I dont

want to lock myself into anything for a whole year. So now wherever I am I take the advantages

of that place. All places have something to offer and its kind of fun to explore different areas.

You know most of my life I wanted to be a gypsy so I had better take advantage of it now eh!!

thanks

I'm still working on giving this current life experience to the UNIVERSE and practicing ACCEPTANCE of what I can not change.  I feel sad and I'm doing really good disconnecting that emotion from my THOUGHTS.  It's tiring though, always is when I first begin to practice a new response.  I realized the other day when I was journaling that is actually an old type of thought pattern that I've been saying ... like when I walk my dogs and see kittens and cats living on the streets. 

I'm actually getting quite a bit of accomplishments happening too. I'm picking up my healthy eating practicing and exercise too! I sat down last night and figured out where I stood with all my long-time functional goals and discovered that all of them just needed to keep on practicing.  ANd because I'm dealing with a heavy emotional issue and still practicing them, I've come quite far.

My goals for next month is to practice keeping to a budget and start making ~$800 a month clear. Not sure doing what .. should be interesting.  I feel only a little stress and a whole lot of I CAN DO THIS joy joy.

Mars, when I took my early retirement, I gave myself the gift of healing.  To just work thru the stupid self-talk / abuse I had been living to all my life.  Now, I'm happy that I gave myself permission and that I've used the time to my advantage.  

And I've always thought it would be neat to move from one place to the next .. just following the seasons. 

I always find it interesting that the people I connect to seem to have something that reflects in my own self.

Start with the basics, what is it you want? Where do you want to go with your life? What exactly do you feel you have "lost"?

There are no stupid questions and you can't do it wrong, it's just life.

I started to re-read Chapter 5 last night and a major AHA moment occurred.  My "sick" friend knows that she suffers from sinus problems which develop into colds unless she starts on benedryl and nyquil immediately. So instead of buying a body of nyquil to keep on hand, she waits for the next occurrence to suffer. Well, I feel SET UPON because she's not taking care of herself and I seem to be her "care giver" and it's a role I don't want.  ANyway, I got her nyquil yesterday and she called me.  And when I saw who it was calling I laughed and said, she's going to tell me this pathic "THANK YOU hee hee".  And I was right.

When I first the 1st section of the chapter, I realized that she's a phony and I know it.  That I'm not like her and I see her "sick-ness" as something she lives for. She has to have to 15+ meds, she has to lay in her bed and suffer.  And I want more from her .. I want a playmate, a confident .. and all I am is a care taker .. and only when she really needs me.

I also got a big AHA moment when I read the passage that "if you are sick, it will rub off on others" .. and I can see that.  I don't have sick people around me .. they wear me out .. having to do for them.  Yet, when I read that passage, I realized that my truly sick sick friends live with people who are just as sick as they are. That it's like they're feeding themselves illness.  Kinda weird AHA moment for me. 

I really thought it was a crazy ideal .. but the more I think about it, she's so much like my kitten Emily ... when she wants my attention, she takes her claws to the doorway or my kitchen table.  She gets thunked .. but she's doing it because she gets attention. 

And my mom does the same thing.  She knows what my buttons are and she's trying to get me back to her safety place.  DUH!!  Go figure!!  I'm making so many life pattern changes since picking up ANE that it's just like when I was living / breathing SELF MATTERS.  That handbook was my bible.  I just opened it up and did the ACTION PLAN with any and all pained memories and allows myself to step thru the pain.

Now, I'm working on PAIN-BODY -- emotions that I first named back in Sept 05 and can now honestly say .. that's where I need to work on again.  And pain hurts ...  good thing I know that when I work thru it, I'm going to be at such a nicer place.

And my mom and me, we're going to move into a very loving relationship!!  I'm reading ANE for her.  I want me to just ditch what hurts us both!  My behavior can change because I'm willing to make those changes.