Quote From: ttindallWhen I was growing up, a lot of things were instilled in me. Not by my parents..., they were off having fun lives and dumping me here and there. Through the people that did raise me, things were instilled in me. When I grew up, these things taught me right from wrong. When I would do something wrong, I felt shame because I knew that I should not be doing those things. When I did something right, of course I was proud and happy with myself for making the right decision.
Growing up, you think "I would never do that because it would be wrong". However, as you start to live the rest of your life and things like growing up, marriage, family, etc. set in...., you end up having to sacrifice and do things and make choices that you never would have made otherwise. This is some of what causes shame. Shame, to me, has been a life saver and a problem all at the same time. As I grew up around the wrong crowd, shame is what kept me from going the wrong way. And the pressures of always having to do everything right so that I would not be shamed, has made me a better person in the long run, as I make better decisions for it.
For example, my mother and father had 3 children--my brother, my sister and me. I am the baby. They divorced when I was 1. My brother and sister went to live with my father at young ages and I stayed with my mother but as she was working most of the time or in between husbands and boyfriends...., I was left with my grandmothers, aunts, women from the church, etc. All positive influences in my life, but on the other side..., I went to visit my father during the summer and on weekends, etc. I have all of my children with me...., I am 5 classes away from a bachelors degree, etc. My sister, who grew up with my biker father, lost all of her children to the state, has been to jail, has been a drug addict, prostitute, etc... My brother...., similar circumstances because my father did not instill "shame" (right from wrong) in them.
Believe me..., I am not perfect by any means and I am not slamming my sister, or brother. They are a product of their environment. My father, being a biker, promoted the type of lifestyle that they eventually took. And I have had my ups and downs. Have done many things wrong but it was the shame that I felt while doing something wrong that always turned me around.
I am no expert. I have just lived 33 years of life thinking I am crazy because I do not think like anyone else that I know. I am ultra-responsible, ultra-independent. If someone tells me to do something, I ask why and believe me...., I expect a good reason in return or I am not doing it. Why? Because I want to make the right decisions at every step of the way because of shame. Because of inhibitions. I am not vey social because of shame, unless around the right crowd. I mean, everyone that I know does drugs, are alcoholics, are on antidepressants and I just don't understand all of it. I don't think that they learn from their mistakes. They just continually commit the same acts over and over with the same consequences and I don't understand it, at all. Most of the people that I know are like this and I just cannot bring myself to be close to them because of shame. I see they way they live and I am sad for them. I am very polite to them. Will go out of my way to help anyone, anything. But I do not depend on anyone.
Shame has made me this way. It has drove me crazy trying to be this perfect person. But when I look at someone without shame...., I am glad I am not them, in their situations. I think it comes from adults down to the younger ones because they have a pure heart in wanting a child to grow up to be good and when we buck the system of how we were raised...., (going against shame) we spin out of control because it is new and different and something we are not supposed to be enjoying. It can be exciting. It can be liberating. But it can also make you feel awkward, different, non-socail. But having shame is not, in my opinion, an entirely bad thing. I am someone who lived the 2 different lives--right with my mother, wrong with my father--and it was shame and other positive influences in my life that has made me a better person today to my own children. I have instilled in my children some shame about certain things but I will be there for them, unlike my parents, when they buck the system and end up in a bad way. I will not point the finger at them and say oh, you just cannot handle this yourself. You need to come with me. I will accept them and their mistakes...., and allow them to be independent and allow them to learn from their mistakes. When you constantly tell someone "oh, I knew you could not do it on your own"...., you only make their resolve to do it on their own that much stronger...., and you only make them want to be even more daring and more irresponsible.
Tammie
Tammie, I recommend an article that was in May issue of O Magazine by Martha Beck called SHAMED, HUMILATED, EMBARRASSED. It really helped me to understand and learn about a healthy level of SHAME. Your words reminded me of how I lived TO WHAT OTHERS CONSIDER RIGHT/WRONG. It was and still is very helpful in my life.
I also learned more about shamed when I read Harriet Lerner's book: FEAR & OTHER UNINVITED GUESTS. It helped me to understand what I was feeling and allowed me to let go of being SHAMED by what I was doing.
It also helped that when I read the Chapter in SELF MATTERS on values that I realized that it was my values that would help me do what was right, not the FEAR OF BE SHAMED or LIVING IN SHAME or making a decision that will bring on SHAME.
It's hard isn't it. I know that shame is a motiviator that I no longer want to live with or against.
