I was thinking about your post this morning as I climbed out of bed early to get dressed and drive my mother and father to the back doctor. My mother uses every second of every minute of every day- when she isn’t sleeping- engaging in DRAMA and/or emotional blackmail. I’m the only one who can drive them right, now or trust me I would NOT be doing it! My father is my mother’s primary enabler. So, when she engages in passive controlling behaviors-just to inconvenience others- I intervene. However, my father has been conditioned by my mother to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that if confronted in anyway my mother, 110 times out of 100 will resort to tears and any other manner of negative attention-seeking that comes into her head. Further, as punishment she will climb back into bed, once at home and loudly sob, scream, or just plain sulks, broods, engage in petulance, insisting that she is ‘just too upset’ to get up out of bed for food or to do anything else for at least 24-76 hours. However, if she feels that the person hasn’t been punished enough with her passive demand for bedside service then she will stretch the time out for a week beyond the time she was confronted. My father brings her food, nervously waits for her next whimper or moan, to run to see if he can “cheer her up” He’s in emotional distress throughout the whole ‘DRAMA’ ordeal. I have said to him, “IT’S WHAT SHE’S ALWAYS DONE!!!” But, my father is going to treat it like a brand new experience each and every time! When that act has seen more performances than all of the plays on and off Broadway, since New York was founded! So, that’s WHY he doesn’t want anyone upsetting my mother! My father has problems with Blood Pressure and when my mother finally climbs out of the bed and his blood pressure is TOO high she has a list of people she chooses to BLAME for this. His brother or ME. (Others have stopped coming around.)
Personally, I know the routine. I know the consequences for challenging the routine. I have repeatedly assured MY father that I will not participate with her in game playing, when I’m helping him do 15 different things and my mother decides to interrupt by standing next to me with her arm hyper extended holding an object because she WILL NOT observe the tiniest courtesy of simply waiting to place whatever nor will she ask. She does this while standing BY the table and wants the item PLACED ON THE TABLE! Instead she will resort to huffing and puffing and finally say, “Here! Take This! I am about to fall down! I can’t hold this any more!” I then say, “Then, JUST PUT IT DOWN!” OR she’ll just point to something expecting you to get up and fetch it for her without her ever uttering a word. Now, MY father is SO well trained that he’ll just break his neck, jumping up to get it!
Well, today was like every other day she was passively trying to block people from either entering or exiting the office with her HUGE rolling walker, for the 1,000,000 time! It’s a favorite game of hers to have people WAIT and she WON”T move the D*** thing until someone asks her personally to move it! So, today, I just moved it away from the small foyer. She just leered at me.
She will do the exercises requested of her perfectly right up until the time the one on one stops then she begins doing them inaccurately -even with my father and I both re-directing her- until someone else COMES BACK OVER to re-address that. In faux sweetness, she tells them how much she appreciates their help and when they again disappear she starts the, ‘I can do this right routine.’ all over again! So, that even when my father and I are there reminding her about the appropriate movements she still wants others involved with her non-stop!
I ask her before we leave anywhere, if she needs to go to the bathroom before we go. Just as soon as we are back in the car, have her 75 lb walker folded and lifted back into the car, then she calmly says, “I believe I will go to the bathroom after all!” So, she gets another opportunity to do the ‘anguished, Sarah Bernhardt’ walk back into the office. (Which, at home and without an audience, is a quick noise-free sprint.)
After packing her and her 75 lb walker back into the car, she then turns and says, with phoniness that few can imagine, “You don’t know how much I appreciate you.” Well, yes I really DO. She’s been careful to show me that throughout my life! So, when we were stopped at a fast food place, at my father’s request, she actually asks me, “Why do you hate me? I’m Your mother, you know!” After explaining to her that I didn’t “hate” her but went on to identify the numerous behaviors, manipulations, etc that I literally despise about her, I then added that after using people for your own amusement and then telling them you appreciate them is like preparing a crap sandwich for someone and placing their favorite jam on it, I explained. “What you’re consistently missing is the fact that you’re still offering up a Crap Sandwich!”
My father called me after they returned home. He sounded distressed again saying, "Your mother has always had trouble with her nerves! You know that!" I responded with,
"Actually, she just has NERVE, Dad!"
Oh, well. It’s progress, not perfection!
Brenda
