Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Glad to see you here again. It sounds like your life has undergone change. I hope this IS a good start, and renewal for you. Keep your chin up.

 NOT sanitizing it.  I thought about not putting that there.....  It is in the past, I am over the grief of what happened back then. I am so over it. I don't feel sorry for my relatives or get sucked back into their sick little games anymore. I moved halfway across the country with my husband and haven't been back in five years.

I have still felt for so long that if any (As some put it) "decent people" were to meet my other "family" or know what they were like, I would be so dog poo in their eyes. I always sanitize my family for decent people.  My mom is "eccentric", my dad is "retired" and decent, my little brother is "sweet and special" and my older brother is just a "character". I am so over what they are and what people think. My husband and I are what we are and we are family. I have felt so much fear over anyone meeting my family and seeing that I lied about their character, about my dad getting drunk and showing his true nature. 

It wasn't without good reason. There have been many "incidents" in the past that have made me steer friends or people I really liked away from them. I can laugh looking back. I stayed away from the house overnight once when I was a young ADULT, I can't remember if I was 19 or 21, but sometime around that time. I stayed with a young man who I was extremely fond of and who was fond of me. I was going to college the first time then and working, but staying with my mother for a few months. I let my mom know I was going to be at this young man's house and that I wasn't sure of when I would get home. I stayed overnight and he didn't have a phone hooked up yet. When I returned home in the morning it was to a screaming mother and my things thrown on the porch. In the middle of screaming, the phone rang. It was that certain young man. He asked how old I was. I was confused by his question and asked why.... Welll, (Didn't I say somewhere my mother was "eccentric"?) my mother had called his work, the place where he was manager and told his staff that she was going to have him arrested because he stayed overnight with a minor. The police were "on their way" in her words to them and he would do well to stay away from me. This young man who I had fostered a relationship with for almost a year made me show him my driver's license, because he was convinced he was with a promiscuous, underage girl, who had lied to him during the whole course of our relationship. Needless to say, darling mother got her wish and we weren't together long after that. This is funny, because if anyone who knows me reads this, they will probably know who I am. It's kinda hard to hide a mother like that! I so understood why he reacted the way he did. Most people aren't used to crazy people, and who wouldn't check up to make sure after someone said something like that. I always regretted letting his reaction drive a wedge in our relationship, but maybe it was for the better after all. Hey guy, if you're out there and you happen to read this, please laugh about it.

Well, now I am married and we have a good life away from insanity, and finally I am going to stop feeling bad about who they are! And not let it have any other effect on me.

Hi!

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe some of you can help me??!!

 

 

 

 

 

My hole life has been about surviving....not life or death....but emotionally. Explaining the details is not what this is about or for that matter important. The things that I am struggling with right now are the anger and the self-pity.

 

 

 

 

 

I've read Dr. Phil's life strategies and that is one amazing book....helped me tremendously. It made my see the truth about a lot of things and gave me a kick in the right direction. But the anger and the self-pity!!!.....what pisses my off the most is that when I was in the middle of the chaos I was capable of working through the pain and the problems and then move on. On top of that I had endurance and perseverance. Now I feel like I have to learn everything all over again.

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like an athlete that was forced in to retirement and not allowed to train for 6 years then suddenly pulled out of retirement and tossed in to the game again, at the same time everyone (but that I mean myself) expects that I can perform and endure the same as I could when I was in shape.

 

 

 

 

 

The thing is that when I read Dr. Phil's book it open me up to the fact that I have an amazing future ahead of me. I never though that was possible I never thought I had a future. Now I am afraid of losing that and at the same time I can't get there fast enough.

 

 

 

 

 

I just want that incredible, amazing and happy place I see in future free from anger, hate, frustration and regret to be the present.

 

 

 

 

 

The one quality that I think I need to reach my goals is patience and that's the one thing I don't have.....at least not when it comes to myself and my abilities.

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like I'm running so fast that my legs and physique can't keep up and I get angry with my self for not being able to find that balance/middle ground where everything runs as a fine tuned machine. At the same time I feel like that if I doesn't find that balance I will lose the opportunity for reaching my goals. At first it scares me, then I get angry with my self and everybody else and then the self-pity kicks in.

 

 

 

 

 

How do I teach my self to be more patience??? And is that actually what I need to learn!!?? How do I get the balance I need in my life?? How do I learn to take things one-step at a time???

 

 

 

 

 

I'm at a point where I'm willing to try almost anything.....so if any of you have some advice I'm listening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kristina (Denmark)

 

 

I do understand completely when speak about knowing that you have a good life ahead of you, but you have to wade through a bunch of muck to get there.

 

I've been where you are.  In looking back, BOY, have I had some muck to walk through!

 

When bad things happen and you get hurt physically or emotional, maybe it would help to remember that you need to grieve.  And anger is part of the grieving process.  Anger all by itself is not necessarily a bad thing, you know.  All it is is an emotion, that by itself, can't REALLY harm anyone.  IT's what you DO with your anger that is important.  Anger can be a GREAT motivator and a wonderful red flag that something is still wrong within. 

 

The same goes for self-pity.

 

The best way through grief is the FEEL ALL your feelings including the uncomfortable ones.

 

Just because most of us think of anger and self-pity as bad things doesn't mean they are.  They are normal, NATURAL, HUMAN feelings.  Trouble is... when you get STUCK in a particular feeling.  THAT'S when you really need help.  Personally as long YOU think you are moving forward -- you will work through your issues.

 

Besides, I think you've hit the nail on the head your own self when you've looked at your situation and noticed -- hey, wait a minute, I need to step back, take a deep breath and practice patience.  I will get where I'm going in good time.

 

Actually none of what I just wrote was the "idea" I was talking about... sometimes my fingers take me in different directions.

 

My idea was... to gently remind your self, that while it's great to have goals and work hard to achieve them, don't forget that your ENTIRE LIFE is a wonderful journey.  Sometimes it's good to look backward, sometimes it's good to look forward, but it is also good to just BE.

 

What's the rush anyway?  It's not like your goals are really going to run away from you, are they?

 

Can you sit a minute and enjoy a cool breeze whisper through the trees?  Can you let the sun warm your shoulders?

 

It's kind of like not rushing around like mad to get the answer to all the questions in life, but to sit a while WITH a question and let the answers come to you.

 

Anyway... just an idea... Q

 

I journal and from my journaling, I was able to see the thought patterns and when I did goal work because I committed to the WLC, I realized that my goals were my thought patterns.  My journaling allowed me to write everything out.  I've even drawn pictures of my feelings and my visuals.

 

I lived a 24/7 stress lifestyle. The funny thing was, I joined this support group last January and I was the only one in the room that actually thought my life style was the norm.  When I listened to their days, I realized that I wasn't right in my thinking.  I turned to Self Matters because I really truly needed to stop my THINKING.

 

Now, I realized that I was thinking all the time. I was writing all sorts of fairy tales about what was going on in my head, I couldn't stop thinking.  I had to teach myself to replace the THINKING with planning exercises instead.

 

I returned to the support group last January (I think it was then) and by me doing Self Matters, I had surpassed them in doing the WLC - well mentally anyway.  Now, I can read the Weight Loss Solution and have no other thoughts pop us except for my weight thoughts.  Isn't that cool!

 

Problem is I have no more excuses and I really miss not having them!  But that's because they have been with me for so long.  I know that in another week or so, I won't be missing them at all and that I've forgotten that I was grieving their lost.  Now, woman, that is pathetic - but it's how I'm doing this healing.  I throw myself a pity party and do play the WHAT IF game. 

Kristina, our normal reaction is to feel pity and sorry for ourselves - it's a sign grief.  Acknowledge it.  During my healing process, I discovered that I was actually upset and grieving because I was leaving behind the familiar horrible life style I was living in.  I didn't want to go forward.  I hated having the "AHA moments" that bought me closer to discovering my true self. 

 

But my motto I chose when I read SELF MATTERS was: DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. If my pity party was my way of dealing with this - then I needed to celebrate so I looked at what I was being shown and thanked God first for showing me the answers to my prayers.  Then I did my candle ritual and turned over the negative feelings to God.  Then I chose to look at doing something positive as a treat for obtaining the answer.

 

I know it sounds corny - but Dr. Phil is right when he says that our painfilled lives are addictive and that we would rather be unhappy and miserable than celebrate the insight as something positive. 

 

It worked for me. 

 

As for patience....  I wish they would bottle something because that's something I keep bumping my head against the wall with.  I just tell myself "I'M TAKING TINY LITTLE WEE STEPS" and I repeat it over and over again.  I also took words from his book about it.  I think it was in LL #3 - I retyped it and printed it for me to read when I felt overwhelmed.  The words are:

 

Each day of progress I make, each action I take, has a positive effect.

 

 

As I move into change, I am going to be doing things I have never done before. I am entering into UNKNOWN TERRITORY . I am not going to like it. It’s human nature to judge & resist.

 

 

And the longer I have been trap in a painful life style, the harder it is to create my new life.

 

 

Trust in my ability to do it. NEVER FORGET that a small & subtle change in what I do is moving me in the right direction.

 

 

I am succeeding because of my choices.  I can deal with my life at this moment – and that is all I will ever have to do.  If something goes awry, I will figure out how to make it right.  Nothing can take my identity away from me.

These words really helped me -- maybe they can help you.

Some skeletons, (hope) are being put to rest.  Change is imminent, writing a bit clearer, seeing  a friendlier responce overall.  Think I know things I didn't before.

 

Rest assured, I think about the good of optimism, of bright people.

 

Keep well, strong and healthy,

 

Taemanai

 It's a shame you didn't get to choose the family you were born into. In time you will be able to tell people right out that your family is dysfunctional, and that will stop any questions of why don't you visit, etc. Whether you choose to elaborate on the dysfunction will be up to you. I guess what I'm saying is that you will be completely free when you can openly admit to others what these people are. It casts no shadows on who YOU are. The good news is we all get to choose the people that surround us in adulthood. My very best to you on your jouney through the rest of your life.

 I think I remember LS saying something about a family reunion at the end of July? Does anybody know for sure?

Ritehere,

 

Thank you.  You put some things into perspective.  I suppose I never considered that Mackay would hide his injury instinctually.  That did give me some peace.

 

You will be happy to hear he is doing better.  The wound still shows obvious signs of infection, but he can limp around, he is eating again, and is interested in being pet and scratched.  He is also a quite affectionate goat and has been the perfect patient, so treating his has been simple, as he has allowed all of the surely painful things to be done in order to clean the wound, plus endured multiple injections of antibiotics. 

 

I still feel the guilt, yet it is lessening.  Understanding that I have learned from this eases that a lot.  I doubt I will ever repeat a mistake such as this.  Thanks again for all of your kindness!

Teri