Topic : Defining Your Authentic Self

Marcia52,

Thank you for your kind words.  As I told Ritehere, you may be happy to know Mackay is doing better.  He is interested in the things around him and has even had the energy to be cranky with the baby goats...which is good in my book.

Ritehere had a good point, giving human attributes to an animal.  Mackay is a goat, which I have come to learn are quite spiritual beings in some ways...and they are loyal and want to please.  Mackay loves affection, and he is getting quite a lot, as well as good care, good medicine, and good food.  ( We cut fresh willow every day to help him manage pain.)  I have also discovered that I will go into places I would have never considered before because of this.  I have lost close to 10 pounds from loss of appetite cleaning this wound, yet I find I can handle this.  I have also learned that Mackay knows when something is helping him because, despite the obvious pain in puts him in, he stands still for me to clean him and give him shots.  So...even though he suffered, he and I have both learned from this a trusting of sorts.  I figure that is pretty cool. 

Thank you so much for your prayer and your understanding.

Teri

After reading your post and pondering for a bit, I found myself leaning two different ways as far as what I would suggest.  I am currently working on Self Matters, yet some of what you mention in your post takes me to some things I learned years ago in a 12 step program. 

I understand that you are not coming from a place of arrogance when you talk of your "gift" of intellect.  Most people I have met that are gifted in this area often have a difficult time interacting with people on a pleasant social level.  My son is gifted, and I see his tendency to isolate, thus I encourage him to be a kid, do normal teenage things and get into a little bit of trouble, as that is what builds the character that will enable him to interact with his peers. Of course, I also encourage him to use wisdom and be safe. 

What I have learned is not one person is "terminally unique".  We all have something in common somewhere, and it often is overlooked as we tend to focus on our differences.  If your grades are an issue to your fellow students, do something to help them pull up their grades.  If you know your area of interest is "above" their heads, bring it down a notch, or else look for peers who can identify.  Join Mensa or some other group that will put you in touch with those who can relate.  As far as grading on a curve, I have never liked it, yet there are students who depend on it.  I am a current 4.0 student myself, and I have to work for it.  It does come easy sometimes, yet I have to remain challenged, so I know I throw off any curve there is.  I ask my instructors to allow my grades to stand alone, not affect any curve they may use.  Most instructors are glad to do this, as well as ask me to tutor other students.  Use your differences to inspire others, rather than to be inspired.  Share some of the "real" things about you with others.  If you continue to see yourself on a different plane as your peers, you will be.  If you visualize you are all on equal ground, then you will begin to feel this way.  Everyone has gifts.  Yours is academic, intellectual.  Maybe celebrate someone else's gift in a social area, or athletic.  Celebrate all differences, as this is what makes it such an interesting world. 

I wish good things for you and peace with yourself.  I hope you will begin to feel comfortable in your own skin.  Good luck!

Teri

For those of you who are in the process of doing Self Matters or Life Strategies or just changing your program - I want to say thank you.  When I first started posting to this site, I discovered that by delving in and talking with others about what was going on in their lives and mine; I was able to reach quite a few AHA moments. These moments then bought clarity to me.

Since May, I've been in a real funk.   Every month, I enter the same funk!  It's due to me doing goal work at the end of the month and reporting out to my support group the status of my goals on weight loss.  In May, I actually believed I was going to die because many of my 30+ year old goals/dreams were coming to a closure.  You can't believe how scary that felt!  I stepped back and figured out that I would celebrate every month at this time because I was close to fulfilling those long term goals -- I'm now at the PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE stage which means, they will become part of my life style and won't require all the work to process them being reached.

But the celebration doesn't last long - I couldn't name it... But you helped me to.  As I've written, I had this nagging thing about "regretting the lost of my old ways". Like what if I don't like obtaining my goals? "What if" games were playing consistently in my head.  So a couple of days ago, I picked up Life Strategies again because I thought, I really haven't read it awhile and maybe it will help me to figure out what ____ was going on with me.

Yesterday, I began to go thru the workbook and when I hit LL #1 this morning and began to answer the questions ... I discovered that what I was feeling was the tenacles of DEPRESSION. Those tenacles are fear and anxiety based.  My depression started 21 years ago (1984) - it was a very slow process which lead me to lose a lot of my basic living skills like cooking, cleaning, and other basic life skills.  What has been happening is that the depression's last hold on me is finally slipping away. That as I practice my basic living skills, I will have conquered that which nearly took my life.

Thank you for helping me work this out -- because now I can name it and understand better how to deal with this.  My goal of becoming a home maker will soon be mastered - I have the tools in place and they will work!  They already have shown signs of it!  Now, I can allow myself to finally take the tiny little steps to reach my dream life style of living healthy (eating & exercising & challenging my negative self-talk 24/7).

I want to thank you for sharing your story with me.  That must have been hard, realizing you left a loved one in danger.  I am glad you can spoil your doggie and love him the way you do! 

I gather from reading all of your posts that you have had many struggles in life.  Amazing how abuse can become the great equalizer, isn't it? 

You have much to offer people, and maybe by letting others see you as human, with the deep feelings you have, will help.  I can relate with not wanting to be a part of a society where hostility is ok and acceptable.  I know the best I can do is not be, and try to love everyone around me and be kind, be loving and be forgiving.  This is not always easy, yet it has been worth it! 

Thanks again for your kindness!

Teri

Ritehere,

I understand how you may have read and thought Mackay had died.  I just got back from doing the morning cleaning and doctoring.  He is definitely doing better, and we got a lot of junk out of the wound.  It is a hole big enough for my thumb to go in, and there was a piece of the stick in it.  A lot came out this morning of the stick, which gave him obvious relief! 

I will try much harder to look at a goat communication point of view, and I do know now to do thorough exams after hikes.  Even under the goat, as this particular wound is in between his front legs on the chest....pretty hard to find unless you are looking there. 

Thanks again!

Teri

I am often inspired by your posts. Thank you for the beautifully sensitive way you responded to this particular issue. I adore the ways in which you express your uniqueness.

It has been my experience of you, via this board, that you actually and actively are an astute observer, appreciating, whatever special 'gifts' others bring to this mix called humanity!!!!!

Thanks, Again!

Brenda

Hi!! again

Thank you for your input. Sometimes you just need some one else to tell you what you maybe already know deep insight.  And you are right, I have to embrace my emotions, stop looking at them as a weakness and try to be in the present, just try to be in the moment. It’s just hard.

As far back as I can remember I always had to ignore my own emotions and always had to keep track and be on the look out with everyone else’s feelings. I had the feeling that if I didn’t the people that I loved would stop loving me and then they wouldn’t have anything to do with me or if I messed up that would be the finale blow that would push them over the edge.

So you are right I have to remember that everything is new and that it’s a journey. I have to allow my self to feel the way I do. That’s the difference between then and now.

Kristina

Brenda,

How does one thank you for a "thank you"?  It is true, I am learning to appreciate what makes people different from me, and to celebrate it. 

I was at a street dance last Saturday (not yesterday) in Hamilton, Montana.  It was a Blues festival where they have about 4-5 live bands come and play and it lasts from 4 in the afternoon to midnight.  You take a chair and water and kick back as long as you can until this amazing phenomenon happens....

People from all walks of life, all ages and all mental states start to dance.  Some are great dancers, some are WILD, and some are just grooving to the wonderful music.  Here, on a street, in a little town on the western edge of wilderness, people danced, and danced their hearts out!  I watched two teenage kids do the Lindy and do it well!  I saw two people who obviously had mental illness do some kind of dance I can't even begin to describe.  I saw people in their 80's dancing as well as small children dancing with their parents.  Families danced together and people danced alone.  We were all different, yet here, we were the same.  We were all moved by this blues...so we danced.

When I first picked up Self Matters and I did the exercise where I circled words, I realized there are many things I want to be, many words I wanted to describe me, yet I knew I had to be open to becoming those things.  I want to be observant, I want to be an active participant in this thing we call Life.  I want to look around and be able appreciate everyone for being a part of this world I call home. 

So Brenda, Thank You, for seeing this and recognizing my efforts.  It means I am growing as a person, so I truly appreciate your observation and smile warmly at you with gratitude.

Teri