Topic : 03/19 A Model's Dangerous Marriage

Dangerous Doctor Marriage Model's Phil Now you know why I am not getting marry at all. See you on We---

dnesday March 19th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.---------------------------------------------------------

In America there is a common misconception that children runaway from home because they are societal delinquents who want to be free of authority. The media depicts homeless and street kids as "rebels without a cause", as children who have no regard for society, who have no dreams and no aspirations for life but to get high.  

We know this portrayal of homeless and street kids to be false. In fact we know that 90% of children who run away have encountered mental, physical, emotional, and/ or sexual abuse. No child wants to live on the streets. No child wants to have to beg, steal, sell drugs, and/ or themselves just to survive.

More than half of the children on the streets are still under the age of 15.  Unable to legally work, these kids get involved in criminal activity just to survive.  Based on current estimates, there are more than one and a half million children, teenagers and young adults trying to survive on the U.S. streets today.  Children now make up 27 percent of the fastest growing segment of the U.S. homeless population.

For more info:  www.turnpurple.org 

The Turn Purple Campaign is the nations' first campaign against child abuse and the resulting problem of youth homelessness. 

DON'T RUNAWAY - TELL SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.  But just as physical and sexual abuse have signposts to mark their presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.  Just as physical and sexual abuse come in degrees of severity, emotional abuse runs the gamut of intensity and damage.

Anyone who had the misfortune of being raised by a parent who is cruel, vicious, vindictive, calculating, manipulative, a liar, cheat, selfish or neglectful, may benefit from reading some of my favorite books on the subject: 

Why It Is Always About You?  The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss AND Emotional Blackmail:  When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward  

Understanding the Borderline (Parent) Mother Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson OR Surviving a Borderline Parent:  How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman OR The Angry Heart:  Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen

A Child Called It:  One Child's Courage to Survive by David Pelzer OR Switching Time by Richard Baer OR Whatever Mother Says by Wensley Clarkson

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

Healing Anxiety and Depression (7 types of anxiety and depression) by Daniel Amen and Lisa Routh OR Getting Help:  The Complete and Authoritative Guide to Self-Assessment and Treatment of Mental Health Problems by Jeffrey Wood

If you tell your problem to someone that you can trust and still feel unhappy, unsafe, or uncomfortable, or if you don't trust anyone that you know, then you should CALL these numbers until you speak with someone you can trust:

National Runaway Switchboard  1-800-RUNAWAY or 1-800-621-4000

Covenant House Nine Line 1-800-999-9999

Child HELP USA 1-800-4ACHILD

Stand Up for Kids 1-800-365-4KID

Volunteers of America  www.voa.org

If you are unhappy or uncomfortable with something in your life it is up to you to change your situation and tell someone that you can trust. 

Hope it helps!

SAVE YOUR CHILD AND YOURSELF AND GET OUT ASAP.....

Don't wait until it's too late get out, I know it seems there is no escape, but there is.

I have been in abusive marriages (yes more than one) and I can say I have been there and I now think more of myself than to put myself  in that place again and I think she and her child should get out asap. I loved him, but it nearly cost me my life at one time and it could have cost my child/children theirs, I gave him a second chance when he said he had changed and for nearly two years he had me convinced, but then it started again little by little with his words and then actions.  Before we finally split in 2007 he was talking suicide and homicide and I knew with God's help I had to get out of that marriage.  I am beginning to love myself (not in a conceded way) and no longer want to be with anyone who even has hints that he may be abusive whether it be physical, mental/emotional. We have to protect our children and ourselves. We listen to them ( the abusers) and start to believe what they say that we are no good, that we cause them to be that way towards us, it's our fault they are as they are, be told it's hair brained to go visit our own children, etc. For years I apologized even if I didn't think I was wrong to keep the peace, but after a while even that didn't work.  Was I afraid to get out, you bet, but with God and prayer and the help of my mother and step father, I was able to say enough was enough and I will never go back to him(My last husband). There are times you have to make an escape even if it has to be in secret to get away from the abuser, but it's possible so you need to get out in order to live a full and a safer life for your child/children and yourself. I am now 47 and yes I feel alone at times without a man in my life, but I'd rather be alone for now and be alive and have my children safe, then to stay and one of us be hurt or dead. 

When we love a man we don't want to see what others are telling us about him, but I say listen to those who are warning you, sort it out, is it because they just plain don't like the man or is it they see the signs that you cannot because love can truly be blind.  The signs can start out like a sharp remark, a put down, then they progress to name calling and belittling to great extends, to trying to control all you do, keeping you from family and friends. They try to convince you that your family and friends are just trying to come between you to ruin your marriage when in fact they are trying to safe you from danger. Don't wait unitl it's too late to get out except in a coffin, seek help in getting away if you have to and let God deleiver you from the bondage of an abusive relationship whether it be a marriage or someone you are dating/living with. It's hard to get out sometimes but you can do it . Listen to your children, I wish I had, they can sense things when you are still to blind to see the signs,  we don't give our children enough credit, we think oh I am an adult and I don't see that so it can't be, but trust me they sometimes know more than we do about the one we are with, they can see what we refuse to see.

Even though I love my children more that I can say I didn't listen to them and now I wish I had. I only have one child still underage and at home, but I still have apologized to all of my children for not listening and for being in that marrage that was dangerous. I have asked their forgiveness as well. We have to give them credit where credit is due and let them know how much we love them. I hope Heather and her child gets out. Also there is a good book out called, "WHEN IN DOUBT CHECK HIM OUT" which I suggest all read if in a dating relationship or a marriage

Don't wait until it's too late to know about who you are with. Men are abused too so they too could use this book.  

You can also check online for any past prison record of the man/woman in your life. Beware and be safe..... 

It took me most of my life to realize I don't have to be in an abusive relationship of any kind just because I didn't want to be alone. 

We have to stop the cycle in our lives so that our children don't think it's the way relationships should be so that they don't follow in our own footsteps of being in abusive relationships/marriages.

Signed            A survior not a victim.......     

I am a victim of domestic violence and I can relate to Heather's fear; anxiety; depression.  I do not like that whenever Dr Phil discusses these types of issues that he has to contribute to the abuse on the woman by telling her that she "allows" this to happen.  That there is no such things as victims, only volunteers. I for one would stand up to my husband and tell him that I did not accept that behavior so he found another tactic. He would appologize and tell me that I mis-interpreted his intentions, blah, blah, blah.  I'm sure that in the beginning of the relationship Heather did attempt not to contribute to this and I'm sure that she did stand up for herself and I bet Kevin acknowleged that his behavior was wrong and he then behaved as he thought she expected he should act.  Thus beginning the cycle of abuse.  He would be kind and gentle, loving and caring then whammo he gets nasty and it's out of the blue and Heather was left with OMG where did that come from what did I do to deserve that?  Did I really do what he accuses me of?  Am I really such a bad wife/mother?  Then she starts walking around on eggshells.......UGH!  I do not condone that she has her daughter there when the fights start, however, I do believe that that is a startegy that Kevin does on purpose.  He does not value these two beautiful females.  They are nothing to him and I believe that Heather may instinctively grab her daughter to protect and flee if necessary.  I'm sure no mother intentionally puts their child in immediate danger or middle of fearse arguments.  Dr. Phil where is your compassion?

I think Dr. Phil is being too hard on Heather.   She is in an abusive relationship and has probably been told before they went on stage what she can or can't say or do.   Kevin is an egotistical liar.  He sits on the stage trying to blame his behavior on Heather.   He shows no emotion.  He seems to be a heartless cold man.  She probably knows that if she says the wrong thing she will get the crap beat out of her when she gets home.  She probably has the daughter with her all the time to try to prevent the abuse, hoping he won't do it if she has the child.   This is wrong, but it is her only defense mechanism.  You say get out, do you not know how many women tried that and were hunted down and killed.  Most of these women are told that if they ever leave they will kill them.   He says he just wants to leave or her to leave, if that was true he would just walk out, he wants the fight and probably enjoys it, makes him feel like more of a man.    She needs a SAFE place to go where he can't find her.  If he will beat on her, he will do it to the child, it only takes a matter of time for that to start happening.