Topic : 03/19 A Model's Dangerous Marriage

It's not as simple as "just make good decisions" and "just walk away".  First of all, BOTH people in this marriage are SICK.  This is a dysfunction on both ends. It's like pointing a finger at a diabetic and saying "quit being diabetic".  Doesn't work that way.  Yes, she needs to leave, but she needs the tools and support to do it, or she's going to continue being the victim in either this relationship or the next. 

Second, men tend to KILL women as they're leaving an abuser.  Remember, this guy held a knife to her throat, I don't think he's above finishing what he started.  She needs to get a police escort when she leaves.  Then they BOTH need counseling as well as their daughter. 

Third, Dr. Laura has a nuance of blaming women for creating and enabling an abuser, when it's the man's problem to begin with, and liklihood of changing them is very low.  It makes for a woman with even lower self esteem/worth, staying in the dangerous abusive situation, and blames instead of empowering women, as I'm sure was the original intention.  ;)

Fourth, I don't think she's asking for a handout.  I think she's trying to "reposition" herself (per TD Jakes :)) so that she CAN be financially independant and NOT leech off of you or anyone else.  Unfortunately, it takes resources that may or may not cost $.  I don't mind some of my tax money helping out someone who is temporarily down on their luck as any one of us may find ourselves in the same situation (as a member of a Christian subculture, it's also my social responsibility to help people in need).  I think that she will get back on her feet and become a financially stable productive member of society again, and I pray for her  during this difficult time.

I will never get used to seeing women staying in a relationship which is dangerous and destructive to not only themselves but their innocent children!

I endured that myself as a new wife of 16...we had a one month old baby. My husband never laid a hand on me in anger until the day we were married....then all hell broke loose! I GOT OUT!!

For all of you women who find yourselves in a dangerous situation and don't know what to do, please go to www.nononsensegrammytree.blogspot.com and click on the January archive, then scroll down to the article I wrote titled "Even A Turtle....."

Also, in the February archive is an article titled "Before You Say I Do" which, if you are considering marriage, you may want to read first and to which you might want to give some serious thought! Many of the mistakes you may make can be avoided if you will ask yourself the questions in this article.  

I am currently in the middle of a verbally abusive relationship. one time it was physical when he bit me on my arm. I am right now, 7 mths pregnant, I was I believe 5 mths pregnant when he bit me the one time. The verbal abuse started around that time, and has gotten worse. Me and him got married only 8 mths ago, pregnancy was somewhat earlier then we had planned, but only by a few months. And the abuse wasn't present before. We did have problems after we got married, and I know it was because I was too sensitive with certain things ( the types of things he showed me, dreams, hopes he wanted to give me, would tell me how life would be like, didnt happen).

And the reason it didnt happen was because his parents were very much a part of our lives, in the sense, nothing could be done without their permission kind of thing. I felt like a kid all over again. I completely respected his parents, have never raised my voice to them. After the first few mths of marriage, I realized where I was wrong, and did a complete 180. I stopped my bickering, I stopped being sensitive. But he didnt stop himself. I apologized for my actions, to him AND his parents (because they involved themselves, my husband involved them) so I wasn't just talking to my husband, I was dealing with his parents too.

It was very hectic. A tough time, but I handled it the best way I could which was to be quiet, and hope for the best. Then I guess this was taken advantage of. Ok, long story short, basically because I didnt follow a so-called 'plan' of the family, I was sworn at, numerous talks of abortion from my inlaws and my husband (they had talked about abortion before as well), exiling me from their home, telling me NOT to come home, my husband telling me continuously to shut up, that I was dumb, unable to live up to his expectations, he didnt care for our child, all of this his father has said to me as well, swearing at me, putting me down over and over again.

Luckily I am not with him at the moment due to work and school. But I have NO IDEA where things are going to go, what I'm supposed to do. Just completely lost! I know I have to put my child first, which I am looking forward to! But I am very confused. I havent spoken with my husband for a month now. My inlaws (and yes, they are COMPLETELY involved in our marriage) do call me once in awhile, just to see how I am, how the baby is and such. very very confused

Do not feel compelled to defend yourself against the ignorant comments of others who haven't a clue about what you have gone through!

It take REAL courage to leave an abusive relationship and take on the burden of trying to support yourself and your children with limited resources...I've been there! When a women leaves a marriage, her income is severely reduced in 90% of the cases....even now, in this day and age, women's income for doing the same job as a man is less, PLUS she has the double job of trying to be there for her children AND having to work multiple jobs just to survive! I've been there, too! 

If you need to temporarily call on government resources to help you through this mess, then do it without any shame. You aren't making it a life-style; just a respite....and the tax dollars you put into the system were a pay-it-forward!

Do what you have to do to make a safe place for you and your children.

Good luck!   

Where was Dr. Phil?  He is in a dream world.  Not one bad word for the abusing wife.  While I believe that no man or woman should be abusive, it doesn't give her the right to act like she is the angel here.  Why didn't Dr. Phil attack her the way he attacked him.  She has many problems too.

Get real and be fair to both of them.