Quote From: gwarrior6
It's not as simple as "just make good decisions" and "just walk away". First of all, BOTH people in this marriage are SICK. This is a dysfunction on both ends. It's like pointing a finger at a diabetic and saying "quit being diabetic". Doesn't work that way. Yes, she needs to leave, but she needs the tools and support to do it, or she's going to continue being the victim in either this relationship or the next.
Second, men tend to KILL women as they're leaving an abuser. Remember, this guy held a knife to her throat, I don't think he's above finishing what he started. She needs to get a police escort when she leaves. Then they BOTH need counseling as well as their daughter.
Third, Dr. Laura has a nuance of blaming women for creating and enabling an abuser, when it's the man's problem to begin with, and liklihood of changing them is very low. It makes for a woman with even lower self esteem/worth, staying in the dangerous abusive situation, and blames instead of empowering women, as I'm sure was the original intention. ;)
Fourth, I don't think she's asking for a handout. I think she's trying to "reposition" herself (per TD Jakes :)) so that she CAN be financially independant and NOT leech off of you or anyone else. Unfortunately, it takes resources that may or may not cost $. I don't mind some of my tax money helping out someone who is temporarily down on their luck as any one of us may find ourselves in the same situation (as a member of a Christian subculture, it's also my social responsibility to help people in need). I think that she will get back on her feet and become a financially stable productive member of society again, and I pray for her during this difficult time.
I do not believe that both people in an abusive relationship are dysfunctional. The person responding with anger and abuse is the dysfunctional one. Jesus, Stephan, Paul (after he was saved - previously Saul), and many others in the bible and on earth today try to make choices that would please the Lord but look foolish to the world. "And you will be hated and detested by everybody for My name's sake, but he who patiently perseveres and endures to the end will be saved." Mark 13:3 Many Christian wives face these issues when married to husbands of the world.
As you stated, and this is VERY IMPORTANT FOR ANY WOMAN WRITING IN WHO IS CURRENTLY BEING ABUSED, woman are MORE LIKELY to be killed by the abuser when they leave the relationship. This is very dangerous and serious. Make sure that you notify the proper authorities before you leave. If you have built up a man's reputation by creating businesses for him or church affiliations in the community, leaving will be MUCH HARDER because someone NO ONE believes you when you tell about the abuse. Injunction are pieces of paper that are helpful but do not stop killers or abusers - they can and do violate injunctions and a beating or a bullet can kill you before the police have time to respond.
Lots of women stay for various reasons including 1)not wanting the child to be alone with abuser or his abusive family 2) not wanting the child killed, kidnapped, or prostituted out 3)not wanting to disobey God because lots of preachers state the only allowable reason to leave is for adultery (which many abusers commit but deny) 4)not having the financial resources 5) not wanting to put their family, friends, and loved ones in danger 6)not wanting to face the scorn and mockery of people who have been lucky enough not to get caught by an abuser 7)fear if the unknown 8)they love the abuser when he is nice 9)they have strong attachments or soul ties to their spouse 9) they are praying and believing God to change him to list a few.
She was not asking for a handout, she was asking for help and hoping that he admitted all his lies. If a husband denies all the allegations of abuse and the wife builds up businesses and a financial empire for him, and she contributes all her savings and her inheritance to him, then it makes it very difficult and unsafe to leave or get help in an abusive situation. In the case of divorces, statistics show that abusive men are very good at getting the children and getting custody because the wives are tired, emotionless or angry during court, they are not able to provide as well alone, they are not usually able to live in the "better" neighborhood, and the men remarry quickly so that they can have their new wives (many times the lover) take over the primary care of the child. This mother very clearly stated that he daughter was not ever allowed alone with him so she was serious about protecting her child - reminds me of Esther in the bible and "her people" is represented by protecting her daughter.
I am so glad that you wrote that you don't mind some of your tax money helping women in this situation. And it makes sense that you are part of the Christian subculture also. Christians are called to help the voiceless, abused, fatherless, and widows. When I had the money and I was in a good stable marriage, I did not mind helping women and children in these situations. When I had a career, I left finance and all it's money & worldly glory to help young women who had been abused. And it is still on my heart to help others who are in pain and to win souls for Christ.
(Original Air Date: 10/31/07) It was the picture–perfect wedding -- a model marrying the handsome man she says treated her like gold. But after a few years of marriage, Kevin and Heather are in a dangerous relationship. They constantly yell, scream and fight, and their home life has gotten so bad that Heather says Kevin has picked her up by the throat, thrown her to the ground, held her at knifepoint and even taught their 3-year-old daughter to call her the C-word. You won't believe where their daughter ends up during the chaos! Kevin says Heather is the one who gets in his face, and she needs to stop being so controlling. He claims he's a changed man, but should she trust his behavior now? The Dr. Phil show installed cameras in their home. Why does Dr. Phil say the footage caught on tape is frightening? And, their moms weigh in on the situation. Should Heather spend another night under the same roof as Kevin? Her uncle offers her a safe place to rest, but will she take him up on the offer, or return home with the man she says could kill her or her daughter? Join the discussion.
