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Topic : 06/02 Banned From the Wedding

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Created on : Friday, November 02, 2007, 11:50:57 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 11/08/07) A bride-to-be takes on her future mother-in-law in an ugly feud that has torn a family apart. The wedding day is fast approaching and the best man has resigned, the aunt has disowned the groom, and the wedding planner is on alert to call the police if the mother-in-law shows up -- which she’s threatened to do! Michelle says she cannot stand her future mother-in-law, Jane, whom she thinks has a sick and inappropriate relationship with her son, Jay. Jane thinks Michelle is a cold-hearted “you know what” who has stolen her only son. She says unless they hire a hit man, they can’t stop her from being at the wedding. Jay stands by his fiancée, which is why his whole family is saying they won’t attend the wedding. Has Michelle manipulated Jay? What happens when the mother of the bride and the soon-to-be mother-in-law come face to face for the first time in four months? Can Dr. Phil cut through the drama and heal this family feud? Tell us what you think.

Find out what happened on the show.

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November 4, 2007, 10:10 am CST

banned

 I have never been banned from a wedding but my husband was banned from his Aunts funeral!  It was by invitation only and we were not invited.  WE did not want to go any how so no big deal, from our understanding some one was posted at the church door to make sure we did not show up and only the invited get in.  This woman was not like by anyone really,she was , mean., nasty, just not a nice person peroid.!  She did have  money lots of it, but would not share it with any one.  Especially the ones that did help her go to the store, take her out for a beer or just get her out of her apartment.  she got into fights with others, even another lady  that was in a wheel chair, in the apart ment building where she lived --low income!  She would not tip a waitress let them go get another job!

She was never married, she and her brother lived together till he died., they farmed some, and drank whiskey or beer a lot, she brags about her father and one brother going to jail for making moonshine.

Now no one ever goes to put flowers on her grave or to visit the grave.  This is in N>Central Ks.

She left her property to  a nephew that lets it go to pot just like she did, never fix a fence or cut the hedge trees or nothing.  Instead of leaving it to the nephew that his property adjoins hers, and did take her out for groceries and beer and to eat, plus took her out to see the old home place a few times.  Which was a 150 miles one way.
Oh well she is dead many years now and we are still here.
Puzzled in Kansas
 
November 4, 2007, 11:48 am CST

You SO need to get out of there

Quote From: simonjrt3

My was suppose to be future mother in law dis owned her grandkids and called me slut trash and that she can't excuse the kids being bastard children...... 1 month from our wedding!!!  The wedding is cancelled and we are in thearpy.  He hit me after I called his mother an ignorant redneck which obviously she is after all the things she did and he hit me because of it.  therefore counseling counseling counseling but I don't htink it is working but this story is for sure ment to be ours!!!  this is crazy!  Wish Dr Phil could bring some calmness in our life :(  Much needed.  I am so miserable in life I can only imagine what they are going through.

It’s a great thing that you cancelled your wedding, but right now, you’re in couples therapy?  Sweetie, in this case, I would’ve also called the engagement off from the wedding if I were in your position.  It is one thing to “honour thy mother and thy father” but to hit your wife/fiancée/girlfriend because she called your mother an “ignorant redneck” when she was clearly acting like one?   That is a line crossed right there.  It’s obvious that he is nothing more than a MAMA’S BOY, which can be just as bad as a coward.  Lady, I think I would take the kids and get the hell out of there.  Your man isn’t likely to change.

 

Seriously, there should be something to be said about all this “honour thy mother and thy father” business, and that is: “ONLY WHEN MOTHER AND FATHER DESERVE IT, AND NO OTHER CONDITION!”  A mother who won’t have anything to do with her grandchildren, calls her child’s significant other horrid names, and doing whatever she can to keep her son (or in the father’s case, his daughter) in the “never married” status is, in my very humble opinion, not a parent who is worthy of the child’s honour.  Perhaps the only acceptable reason is if the custodial parent got out of a really tumultuous marriage full of lies, cheating and deceit; and as a result, tells the whole world what a mistake marriage is, and basically decides to go on an anti-love crusade that may or may not include demanding that Romeo and Juliet be barred from the high school English curriculum (claiming that high school students should not know what romantic love is!)  After all, why should his/her children make the same mistake of falling in love, right?

 

Psychiatrists have long said that it is not good for people to be obsessed with anything.  An obsession with family togetherness should be no different.  I applaud anyone and everyone who does whatever it takes to keep a HAPPY family together, but if a MISERABLE family shows no interest in changing their ways, (they usually don’t) then I don’t see why the children here should stick around for their parents.  An adult wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) do the same for a spouse who’ll never change, especially if there are impressionable children involved.

 
November 4, 2007, 2:37 pm CST

She is not the only one!!!

Quote From: bullroar

I really don't understand this bride.  She's already started a huge feud with the guy's mom.  He's a coward and why does this mom even want to have anything to do with him.  If my son sided with a girl against me in such a horrible manner, I'd disown him.  He's NOT A SON.  Both of these punks need to go back and read the commandments.  In this day in age, I think everyone better do that.  In any case, in this situation they both need to remember to HONOR THY MOTHER AND THY FATHER.  There might be something to that.  

This girl is a trouble maker and if she's already causing a war....good luck to the worm that marries her. 

This means the poor children these two might have will never know their grandmother.  It's disgusting for this girl to behave this way.  Good luck, Dr. Phil.  Sounds like you'll need it.

I have one of those daughter in laws...... My son has not talked to me since feb of this year. His wife ot about 4 yrs wrote to me and told me that I was a bad mother, she was breaking all ties. This mean't that I would not see my son nor my grandson. I have tryed calling my son, emailing but no response. This is my only blood son, so I can not say he is not my son. This is very very hurtful, not just to me but for my grandson never to know me, thats pure hateful on her part. I will not give up on my son and his baby. I don't care about his so called wife, but just seems these girls need to grow up. I live 5 hours away not like I am trying to interfer, or control them in anyway. I just want him to be a man and set things straight, not just with me, but with his wife as well.... I feel sorry for anyone that is going through this, its just something u can't forget. I wake thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it. My god be with these girls, and give them some sense!!! Hurt and angry in Iowa
 
November 5, 2007, 4:28 am CST

Daughter-In-Law and her Mom, from Hell!

Quote From: bullroar

I really don't understand this bride.  She's already started a huge feud with the guy's mom.  He's a coward and why does this mom even want to have anything to do with him.  If my son sided with a girl against me in such a horrible manner, I'd disown him.  He's NOT A SON.  Both of these punks need to go back and read the commandments.  In this day in age, I think everyone better do that.  In any case, in this situation they both need to remember to HONOR THY MOTHER AND THY FATHER.  There might be something to that.  

This girl is a trouble maker and if she's already causing a war....good luck to the worm that marries her. 

This means the poor children these two might have will never know their grandmother.  It's disgusting for this girl to behave this way.  Good luck, Dr. Phil.  Sounds like you'll need it.

Like you said, most future Brides want to start out a new marriage on the right foot with their future In-Laws, especially those they've never met.  Because of a guilty conscience; however, my only Child, his Financee and her Mom conspired to deliberately deprive me and my Ex from knowing they had met, that they were engaged, and from attending their wedding; then exacted revenge against us because we did not attend their wedding (through no fault of my own)! 

 

When I found out my Son was getting married the 2nd time, I was totally disabled, flat on my back in bed after suffering 3 failed spinal surgeries due to a permanent injury caused me by my abusive Ex.  I had explained to my Son my surgeon said I wasn't allowed to travel further than a 50 mile radius from our cattle ranch--the same distance I traveled one-way to his offices--and my Son indicated to me they would marry someplace within that distance I could travel.  Consequently, I was thrilled about my Son's wedding, as I had hoped he'd remarry sometime after his Divorce.  I ordered a beautiful, expensive long evening gown, evening shoes, and evening purse from a JC Penney catalog. 

 

After the date had already passed for me to be able to return those items, I got a call from my Son and his future Wife, announcing they were instead getting married at a wedding chapel she'd chosen, hundreds of miles away from our cattle ranch, in the NE part of our State.  She deliberately chose a chapel seating 100+ people, despite knowing ahead of time neither of them had any family or friends living in that area, and neither family had any relatives or friends living anywhere near that area! My Son's controlling Fiancee and controlling future Mother-In-Law--both of whom we'd never laid eyes on--threw an absolute "hissy fit", absolutely refusing to compromise by finding a place closer to where we lived to marry so I could also attend my only Son's wedding, like her Mom, Dad, and Stepmom would all be able to do. My Son stupidly backed down and allowed his controlling Fiancee and her Mom have their way instead of insisting it would be impossible for his own disabled Mom (already in horrific pain 24 hrs./day, 7 days/wk. from 3 back surgeries within only a year), to travel hundreds of miles, one way, to their wedding.  I'd explained to my Son my surgeon ordered I had to remain flat on my back in bed, so it could properly heal, except when I was traveling back and forth to doctor appointments.  My Ex had calculated the mileage and discovered there would have only been a 50 mile difference for my Son's Fiancee's family to travel, had they married anyplace of their own choosing within a 50 mile radius of our cattle ranch.  However, his Fiancee claimed she couldn't get her money back if she cancelled, even though she'd deliberately chosen that place only after my Son already told me they would get married closer to where we lived so I could attend!  Had we known then what we discovered later about them already shacking up for a full year in advance of their wedding, we would have preferred they'd instead immediately married in FL, the place they met, or in AL, where her family and friends lived! 

 

I begged my Ex and his Mom to attend their wedding in my absence because I knew if this girl and her Mom had this much power over my Son before they married, they would one day try to destroy a once loving relationship I'd enjoyed with my Son in the past. My Ex and his Mom were so  furious my Son and his Fiancee could be so thoughtless, unloving, and inconsiderate--besides hiding from us they were living together--they refused to attend their wedding.  I cried my heart out because my Son allowed his Fiancee and her Mom to deny me the right I should have had to attend my own Son's wedding!  Not only did that hurt, but I knew one day I'd end up being used as their scapegoat because my Ex and his Mom decided they wouldn't attend their wedding!  That's exactly what happened, after I moved here to this State where they now live, 6 yrs. ago!  Despite the unnecessary heartache they caused us over their wedding location, and despite discovering through my Ex-Husband's Sister that they'd already been living together a full year and could have married in FL or at least near where they were living together at the time they finally decided to marry, I decided to continue being the loving Christian Mom I've always been.  I asked my Ex to please go to the store for me and buy them a beautiful Christian wedding card. We enclosed a big check inside, which he mailed to them. 

 

A  month later, we were surprised to get a wedding video in the mail.  My Husband put the VCR in so we could see their wedding, we had missed.  We were shocked to see a huge empty wedding chapel with only my Son, his Fiance, some Pastor they found to marry them, her Dad and Stepmom and Half-Sister.  Her own Mom was making the video. After the wedding, the new couple and her Mom drove back home to their own apartment some distance away, for their "reception", and the rest of my new Daughter-In-Law's family immediately drove back to AL.  At  their apartment, my Son wasn't in the video.  I only saw my new Daughter-In-Law and her Mom.  Then the only one in the video was my Daughter-In-Law, who began reading the beautiful wedding card we bought them. I really thought it was thoughtful of her to think of doing that, until what happened next. I could hear her Mom's voice in the background, and suddenly, my new Daughter-In-Law began laughing hysterically and continued laughing hysterically the entire time she was reading their religious wedding card!  You have no idea how hurt, angry, and humilated my Husband and I both felt! 

 

Neither my Ex nor his Mom wanted to meet my Son's Fiancee before they married due to their deliberate deception, but I insisted we invite them down because I knew if we didn't invite them, I'd never see him again, nor would I ever see any future Grandchildren I might have!  We had already been down a similar road before with his first Wife, who also totally controlled my Son, and also tried to alienate him from his own family. He had to Divorce her because when he returned from a Navy sub cruise three days before Christmas a year after they married, she was on the pier with some guy of another race with whom she was committing adultery, telling my Son she didn't love him anymore and also had moved out of their apartment, taking all their brand new furniture and new car she'd insisted he buy before he left on his cruise! Despite the horrendous emotional pain my Son and first Wife had caused us, and this additional pain my Son and 2nd Fiancee caused us, when she was there at our ranch, I treated her like she was a Queen, never letting on--and never allowing my Ex or his Mom to let on--we were aware of their secret they'd deliberately kept from us, the secret they stupidly thought we'd never learn.  Why?  Because my Ex was a violent man and I knew a major fight would ensue, and I'd never see my Son again! What made it harder, though, was my future Daughter-In-Law's hypocrisy in telling me several times her Grandpa had been a Methodist Pastor--thinking she was earning "brownie points" with me--totally unaware of the fact I already knew she was a slut and a gold-digger like his #1 Wife had been!  Let's be clear:  My Son is just as much at fault because he wasn't raised that way.  After he told them his Parents had a big cattle ranch and both of his gold-digger future Wives used their own bodies to immediately lure him into bed, into his apartment, and into marriage! The Mom of his first Fiancee shocked us on their wedding day, after we had driven hundreds of miles to that wedding, telling us her Daughter had moved in with my Son within only a week after meeting him.  My Son's second Fiancee did likewise, we discovered. 

 

Several years later, I ended up Divorcing my abusive Ex and escaped to the same State, near where my Son and his Wife lived. After listening several times to both of them astonishingly trying to blame me several times for supposedly "ruining" their wedding because I didn't attend it, I finally got the courage to confront them both about it, separately, because I didn't want them together in the same room so they could make up a story, together! I told each of them they had no right to blame me for not being at their wedding when they knew it was physically impossible for me to attend when they purposely made the decision to marry hours away from our home, a distance they knew ahead of time would make it totally impossible for me to attend!  I also finally revealed to each that my Ex's Sister had phoned us the day after they shown up at her Grandson's Wedding Reception to brag about her new engagement ring to them (which we had heard nothing about!), and also about the fact they confessed to them at they had been living together a full year, both in FL and the same State we lived in (deliberately keeping that info from us, also)!  I was astonished both lied to my face, claiming they weren't at the wedding reception, despite my Ex's Sister, their entire family, and 300+ other witnesses seeing them there! I was further astonished when my own Son blatantly lied to my face, claiming he didn't know anyone by the name of "Chris" (my Ex's Nephew), whose wedding reception they had attended, despite the fact he and Chris would pal around together whenever Chris visted our ranch! 

 

I was so hurt that in my physical condition my Son, Wife and her Mom would try to use me as a scapegoat when it was my Ex and his Mom--not me--who refused to attend their wedding! What is even more hurtful, after my Divorce, I immediately became of no value anymore to my Son and his new Wife because my Ex decided to immediately disinherit my Son from ever getting our big cattle ranch once he dies!  None of these things are my fault, but I've been terribly maligned and mistreated by my Son, his Wife, and by her Mom who's done everything in her power to encourage their deception and hurtful behavior towards me from the day she and her Daughter met my Son in FL, when my Son was foolish enough to brag to them--the same way he bragged to his first future Wife--his Parents owned a big cattle ranch!  My Ex refused to allow me to work outside our cattle ranch immediately after we married. I daily worked my butt off on that ranch for 14 yrs., as his full-time unpaid cattle rancher.  I never married my Ex for money, so I never shed one tear over losing my beautiful home we built, nor the cattle I'd raised and dearly loved, because my Ex not only caused my permanent back injury, he killed 3 of my precious cats and my dog because I Divorced  him!  After all the years of Hell I had to endure with him, because I had no financial means to escape because he constantly kept us in debt buying farm and other equipment he already had and didn't need--it hursts knowing my Son's and his Wife's greed means more to them than them allowing me to have a loving relationship with them and my precious 4 yr. old Grandson! I sacrificed for my Son during all of those years I was a single Mom and had to raise him entirely by myself because his own Daddy decided he would abandon him after we Divorced!

 

 
November 5, 2007, 11:37 am CST

11/08 Banned From the Wedding

I want to share my story with the forum.  We have two sons, the oldest has had a rough past 6 years. My husband and I have been there for him.  He had a child out of wedlock, that we help him get fraternity established and visitation set up which was a very hard thing to do with the mother of the child un-willing to co-operated. Had to get DNA ordered etc.  Everything finally got settled and everything running smoothly.  He lived with us for 3 years to be able to pay his child support. He meets his now wife. We were very happy for him and thought this person would be a very good person for him. We gave them an engagement dinner etc. Very happy for him. However, Something happened , I never knew what Bridezilla really meant until about a month after they were engaged.  She completely starting shutting us out,  we were omitted from everything.  We spent an anormous amount of money on her for Christmas and she never came after  being invited not that she needed an invitation to our Family Christmas to exchange presents and to be with the family, she didn't come, she wanted my son to go to her families function ( which he had already been to two different functions that they had the previous day) and then proceeds to tell some of our friends that the gifts they got from us for  Christmas were probably her presents that we didn't buy her anything.  Just to make us look bad.  We were totally baffled because our son knew we had all the presents and he didn't nothing to stop her.  These friends we have known for years and were very embarrassed that she would talk about us like that to them.  We were thrilled to know that our son had finally found someone that would make him happy we just didn't expect to be shut out of his life. I know there is alot of pressure planning a wedding etc.  But this was totally out of hand.  We did confort her about this after our friends told us about it and she told us that they had a right to know how we were. This all came out of the blue.  We were not invited to any wedding showers, or the wedding until 1 week before the wedding. We had dreamed about our son's wedding his entire life and we were not included, we had saved money to contribute our part to his wedding and were not included in any of the plans and at the last minute was invited not by her or our son but from a friend of our sons.  We did not go. Our hearts are broken.  I know this all seems a little one sided believe me if I hadn't just gone thru it the last 10 months of my life I wouldn't have believed it either.  But there is a reason for the word "Bridezilla"  Trust me.  We recently found out that the mother of our "Daughter In Law" did something similar to her "Mother In Law" when she married her Father.  I don't know if this their way of keeping their "Clan" to themselves or what? but , we are still waiting for a knock on our door to make things right and believe us when that knock happens we are more than willing to put it all behind us.  We love our family it is all we have.   I wanted to share this because not always is it the "IN LAWS" Or The "MOTHER IN LAWS that cause problems.  There are some people who thrive on drama.    Thanks for letting me post. 
 
November 5, 2007, 11:50 am CST

11/08 Banned From the Wedding

My mother in law picked out our wedding cake without my knowledge, planned the wedding with my husband without my knowledge, cooked and sent over food because I couldn't take care of her son like she could, gave my baby black coffee, rice and gravy, and god only knows what else, comes over when she wants, calls to check on the family all the time, and gets invited by my husband to everything we do!!!      Yet, I love her.  She gave me the most wonderful man in the world.  She picked out the cake and planned the wedding because I was too sick to do it.  She sent food because I couldn't cook, she treats my babies as her own ( look how good hers turned out to be-- I married him!!).  Comes over and checks to see if we need anything.

This did bother me at first, but she is not going to be here forever. 

Let them have their time,  you'll have plenty.  They raised the men YOU  love.  They made the man YOU love.  YOU picked him!!!  She must have done something right.  Believe me when you back off, so will she.   It's hard for them to let go and hard for you to learn to share.  But it'll get there.  Then you'll be on vacation and happy that MAWMAW is there so you and hubby can go off for a few hours.  It's worth it!!!!!!

 
November 5, 2007, 1:05 pm CST

11/08 Banned From the Wedding

Quote From: wine42

Dr. Phil,

If you side with this girl on her Mother in Law not going to the wedding but also not being a part of both their lives now and from the wedding day forward, I would have to wonder where your mind had gone.

This is not a good relationship if the girl has problems with her boyfriends Mother they should have broken up long ago. The guy has to know she will control his life on all aspects if he does not stand up for himself and his family.

When you attend a wedding you are supposed to be there out of love and support of the couple getting married? why would you want someone there who has called the person you love and that you are going to marry a cold harted (insert the b word here) I totally disagree on they should have broken up along time ago, for what?? because of what the mother thinks?? he is an adult and can make up his own mind, he picks who he will marry not the mom, and the mom has no say.  If the groom stands by his bride then that is his choice and that must be the way that he wants it...Respect is a two way street you have to give it to get it! and if My mother was ever disrespecting my future future husband I would cut her off to. There are always two sides to every story and before you cast stones on someone maybe you should hear both sides!
 
November 5, 2007, 1:31 pm CST

Commandments

Quote From: bullroar

I really don't understand this bride.  She's already started a huge feud with the guy's mom.  He's a coward and why does this mom even want to have anything to do with him.  If my son sided with a girl against me in such a horrible manner, I'd disown him.  He's NOT A SON.  Both of these punks need to go back and read the commandments.  In this day in age, I think everyone better do that.  In any case, in this situation they both need to remember to HONOR THY MOTHER AND THY FATHER.  There might be something to that.  

This girl is a trouble maker and if she's already causing a war....good luck to the worm that marries her. 

This means the poor children these two might have will never know their grandmother.  It's disgusting for this girl to behave this way.  Good luck, Dr. Phil.  Sounds like you'll need it.

 So if your mother or father abused you physically or mentally  you would still have to honor them?? give me a break! and what happens if you dont have a set religion?? I dont think the commandments apply to those people...
 
November 6, 2007, 9:13 am CST

Their Wedding Day*

The Key word is "THEIR's"

The wedding day is for the couple who are getting married. They are "willing" to share this day with people they love, not with people who are there to cause "trouble/harm/un-happiness"

The mother is NOT the one who will be forever living with this woman her son is marrying and baring his children, she did her job she raised him. Letting go is the issue here and not the new addition to his life.

The wife is his first  concern now and all this other drama is silly foolish and not advisable before his wedding , BECAUSE this will push the son so far from his family they will lose him forever more.

Banning has had to be done at many weddings to ensure that the drama is not there, no yelling , crying  , screaming, name calling, Has been done at many weddings before and so banned people at weddings is now more common than people realize.

Relatives being the #1 , as the BANNED.

 
November 6, 2007, 12:57 pm CST

Similar experience

I can say i almost ended up in a situation where I would have had a MIL from h@ll! I was with a guy before i married the husabnd I am with now. This guy's mom was a world's class b#tch! She wanted to controll her son even worse she wanted to controll me! She hated the fact I didn't dress up like little house on the priarie. I was and still a jeans and sneakers type of woman. Since she felt I was not good enough she even encouraged her son to cheat on me! I dumped him and found my husband I am with now. The guy never got over me dumping him. I told him i could n't stand his psycho mother and it would have ended in divorce if we had married.
 
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